Happy Thanksgiving!

It was my first Thanksgiving in the US and I spent it with a second cousin and her friends. I had a much better time than I expected, because I expected a bunch of people talking about themselves (talk about low expectations!) What I found instead, were a bunch of bright, articulate people who were warm and welcoming, we played Taboo and some of us even watched a movie (Life of Pi). I got back today, have some work to get done, and potentially a dinner tonight. Most of the people I spoke to over Thanksgiving are older than me, and the one message I got for myself, is that you've got to be self-aware.

Life of Pi is a beautiful movie! It's so... beautiful! I haven't read the book and as always, the way India and Indians are portrayed jarred a bit, but it was still very beautiful. I'm guessing Irfan Khan will soon become a sought after Hollywood star, people will begin writing parts for him, which is good for all Indian talent in North America I guess.

Also, as some of the people I met over the weekend are very into music, I heard of 'Perfect' by Pink. Like everything else of it's type, this song made me cry. The sanitized video is simple, about how easy it is to make a child confused. Maybe it's especially true about little girls or girls, who are anyway bombarded with messages about body and beauty but maybe not. At any rate, as an adult (who should therefore know better) with self-esteem issues, this song made sense. I wanted to say that I've forgiven my parents for not noticing or not helping earlier, but that forgiveness is complete, so I no longer want to say that. They did their best, and I know that. So we're good. What's left now is for me to work on myself.

I saw a version of the Cinderella story, in some magical kingdom, with Anne Hathaway and a really cute prince. The twist in the story was that Ella was cursed to be obedient, when people discover this, they use it to their advantage, making her do things she doesn't want to, and to hurt people she likes.  [SPOILER ALERT] The way she breaks the curse though, is to tell herself what to do, while looking in a mirror. It's a very simple twist, which she doesn't discover till a very crucial point in the story, but that's the key isn't it?

We grow up, believing what the world tells us about us. We grow older and learn about ourselves, learn that we can change and learn new stuff, be different. And I'm  now working on telling myself what to believe about me. I may not be perfect, but I am certainly enough.

Clashing Tides

Today, my parents depart after visiting the US for 55 days. When they came, I realised that it had been over 10 years since I shared a house with them for more than an occasional day. For one month, we shared a bathroom, then they travelled for 2 weeks and now for another 9 days, we've been 'family' again. Not a complete family as my brother is elsewhere (where they were for 2 weeks) and somehow, the thought of them leaving makes me tear up.

I thought it might be relief that they're going, but it's not. I'm going to miss having them around, as remarkably weird as that sounds.Sure, we aggravated each other, but we're family, we took the aggravation and tried to be nicer. They did stuff like grocery shopping and cooking and fixing things, so I wouldn't have to. I took them places and negotiated the unfamiliar as much as I could, so they didn't have to. And this is what it's about. 3 adults who like each other enough to make allowances for tempers and moods, and want to help each other do less. What also upsets me is that when we all go back (I follow in just about 2 weeks) we'll go back to seeing each other once on 2 weeks or 3 weeks for 2 hours or so, our lives going back to routines that don't include each other, and this makes me ineffably sad. I guess I finally understand what the parent-child relationship is. Especially one where we've all made our peace with the people we are, have gone beyond control issues, so genuinely respect each other and trust each other.

I'm going to miss my mommy and daddy!

The Things You Know

Or don't know or want to learn or want to ignore... or whatever :)

When I was little, I heard or read the story of the monk in training who studied for years and years and then took the all important exam. The exam had a single question 'What do you know?' The eximinee wrote pages and pages and thought hard and took as long as he possibly could. When the results came out, he had failed and he complained bitterly to his master. The master just told him that he hadn't leant the right lesson. So the monk studied harder for many more years, and then took the exam again. The question was the same, but this time, the examinee answered with a single sentence. When he read the sentence, the master hugged the monk and told him he had passed.

The thing about this story is, they don't tell you what the sentence is. So when I was little, I thought the sentence was 'I don't know anything.' I was in my teen years, or maybe early 20s, learning about biases and stereotypes and how colour is a concept and numbers are representations, I thought that must be it. Nobody could say with any certainty that they knew anything at all.

Then a few years ago, I found QI. IT's a quiz show on BBC which is now in it's 10th season, which I discovered in my 30s. As it's not available on TV where I am, it's available on YouTube :) QI is merely an example, but basically, though my life, I've retained a curious spirit, I want to know more. I keep reading things, learning things, forgetting things, but I want to know more. And paradoxically, I found there were some things I was sure I knew. Things like you must always be kind. Things like all people are the same and must be treated equally.

So now, in my mid-30s, my answer to the monk's exam question is 'I have a lot to learn.' Maybe one day I will find the answer to the question in the actual story, but till then, this is my answer.

Soft

I can't tell if I'm too soft, but I'm weird. I cry easily, in a way that people that know me, both personally and professionally (apart from the SO) would not expect or even acknowledge. When I am with myself, when I'm fully me, hurt touches me deeply and the grave injustices of the world suggest that God is not kind or beautiful and certainly not all-loving. I've felt like this before, when my 30 year old cousin died from a brain aneurysm that a 30 year old had no business having. Leaving behind him a wife who was his college sweetheart who had to go through another marriage to get to him, and a 4 month old baby who is almost 4 now, growing up with words about her father instead of memories.

Today, thanks to Google's abilities to find something or the other in response to any search query, I found http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/. A blog by a lady who was married to a man she loved and who loved her. Three children, two of whom were adopted, two with special needs, one with psychological issues that they were working with. The last post was in October 2011, talking about how the family scatterred the ashes of her husband. I read on to the time he died, a 46 year old man who died of a heart attack, suddenly one Saturday, while with his children. Then I went back to the last published post and noticed a list of comments. The blogger had herself, passed away 2 days after her last post, injured fatally in a freak road accident. At first, reading her blog, I cried for what she'd lost, and how simply she talked about her challenges. And how she was being a good person, choosing the 'right way' each time, every day, though it's a very difficult thing to do. And then I cried for the children. In 3 months, their world changed completely. From struggling with their issues with the support of two wonderful, loving, caring parents, they had to face the world themselves. They continued to have family, a grand parent and an aunt, and I hope they are doing well, but my heart goes out to them.

I can't tell what it is, but these ordinary cruelties of life are killing me these days.

Inside a Lamb ... or was it a Cow?

I now own a leather jacket that I promise to love and cherish until death parts me from it. It is soft and supple and tan and... beautiful. I feel, at some level, sad that it was an animal that is no more, but I also feel glad that it is now mine, and how wonderful it is to have this beautiful thing to keep the wind away from me. My time in DC is coming to an end and I've to contemplate packing. Thanks to the new jacket, I now can send back several other bulky jackets with my parents who are off 10 days before me.

My dear animal that died so I could find this jacket, thank you. I see you!

I'm also writing now, to remind myself that I see me. Whatever happens to me, around me and for me, I need to remember it is who I am on the inside that counts. Beauty, for the world, is a flexible concept. A beautiful person though, is one who is always appreciated and yes, even loved.

I can accept that I am and probably always will be a romantic. I am a sucker for a happy ending and I believe in true love and mush. I don't think I want to change that. What I do want to remember though, is that havng or not having that in my life doesn't make me any more or less of a person. Or even a less beautiful person. Yes, there is the yearning to be able to attract that kind of love and longing, but it's ok. If it's not for me, it's ok.

What is for me is knowing that I am and want to remain a good person. I want to remain kind and helpful, looking at the bright side of things, believing the best of people and situations. I want to keep learning and trying to do the right thing. I want to be the best person I can be in this life, to cause the least hurt and pain, and be the most support that I can be. And my face and figure are coincidenes of genetics which I can work to keep healthy, but will not attract lasting love or friendship the way my personality will.

What is Wrong with TV Today

I'm saying 'today' but what I really mean, is in the age when broadcasting companies seem to have forgotten that they are also held to some standards. When TV was invented, the first uses were to share information, like the news, or like shows on science or the natural world etc. But people, being people, they quickly got bored, so TV became entertainment. Anything wrong with that? No, not at all. But what I now take objection to is what is considered entertaining, and who is watching it.

TV came into my life in my teenage years, when I was impressionable and didn't really have opinions of my own. I was also just beginning to despise my parents (something I've now grown out of) so obviously nothing they said was any good. What I did have though, was TV programming that had people who tried to do the right thing. Where the characters acted on their best impulses rather than their worst ones, where the moral was that if you do the right thing, everything always works out. Heck, where there was a moral!

Maybe that kind of TV is now seen as boring, but trust me, there are a lot more impressionable children watching TV now than there were back then, and maybe they don't have good examples in their daily lives. Maybe they don't have access to literature, where you can see characters in stories work out these things and learn from them, and maybe they deserve this insight?

The Hard Truths

I'm learning more about myself every day or every so often, and some of these things I learn are... well, not pretty I guess?

For a variety of reasons, I had to bring myself up, and through my adolescence, I dealt with the tough times by thinking of this perfect man who I would find, who would take care of me. He'd think I was beautiful and amazing, and would constantly tell me this. He'd hold me when I was upset (which was constantly) and stroke my hair when I cried. It was very important for me at that time, to be thought beautiful.

I grew older and this need stayed. I got to know guys, and somehow, never got the sense that they thought I was 'beautiful'. They may have, poor guys, but none of them really said so. They may have also thought I was amazing, but who knows. And then there was SO. He never ever said anything about my looks... or when he did, it was more about what I was not. I learned those lessons very well. I listened for every reference he made to my appearance, and others, and learnt that he didn't think I'm particularly attractive. Whether this is true or not. I say this, because one occasion, he has called me beautiful.

But that's not the point at all, the point is what this means to me. It's that as I've grown more confident in my work and in my personality, I've also wanted to grow more confident in my attractiveness. It's purely for ego, it's for the way I want to see myself. Apparently it's not good enough to have clear good skin, and nice features (though my nose is a little big). What I want is to have someone enamoured of my looks. And I'm on the cusp now. The cusp of young and not-so-young. I'm 35, too old for young guys to be interested in. Maybe even too old for 30 year old men, or 40 year old men, depending on what is available to them.

And it's irritatingly, one of the things that I keep coming back to with SO. I hold it against him that he doesn't think I'm attractive, mainly because i think he's gorgeous. Like a quid-pro-quo.

What I understand about myself now, is that it's a stupid thing that I've clung to for years. It doesn't matter whether others find me attractive (they'll tell me what they think I want to hear, till they get what they want). What matters is who I am, and how I see myself. And I'm a good person. I'm nice and kind and sensible and sensitive. And I'm going to continue to age with these characteristics, and one day, my face will show it, but people won't care about my face by then.

I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this, but I'm happy I've found this out. Now, just to make sure I've actually understand it fully, I'm going to repeat it. My face only shows the world who I am. The arrangement of my features does not reflect my personality, my expressions do. I'd much rather the world sees me, than sees a pleasing arrangement of features. And the 'me' that I want them to see, is a kind, sensitive, sensible and fun person. A person who prefers to see the bright side of life and the beauty in the world.

Welcome to the world!

Away and Easy (Not)

So... with work, I have the opportunity to do an 'internship' and I'm doing it. 3 months in Washington DC, of which one month is nearly up. When I thought about this time to myself, before I came, I looked at it as this cathartic time of aloneness. Possibly even a time of anonymity, when my daydreams might come true, and my worst night mares would fade away.

In this month, the only thing that has happened is an increasing understanding that I am not happy. That I'm doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, waiting for someone to give me an award. Someone to say 'you've been so good! Here's your prize!'. And the prize would be fabulous. Then I realised that it will never happen. I get only this life, to live as I choose. And if I choose to life it doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, that's fine. It's my choice, but I cannot hold that choice against anybody else. In short, if nobody ever gives me an award, would I continue to do what I'm doing?

With most of my life, yes, I would. I'd continue being the kind of daughter I am, probably the kind of sister I am, and friend I am. I wouldn't change the way I work much either (not winning any awards there anyway). But in this relationship with SO... the 'children' question comes up again.

Can I live without children, yes, I can, but then I'd need SO to be a very different person in terms of how he relates to me. He's a great guy, but he's not good for my female soul. He's been a great friend and is smart and funny, and cares enough to tell me when I'm wrong, but he doesn't help the 'woman' in me much. He's honest to a fault with me, so has repeatedly told me that I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't claim to be, but I'd like to feel once in a while, that for him, I am. There are occasions when he's called me beautiful (which I clearly will always remember). The woman in me wants to be cuddled and spoiled, and taken care of, and he does very little of that. Maybe he doesn't know how. I'd like to think I've tried to teach him how, but maybe I haven't. Anwyay... I guess I'm feeling that I've been 'good' and have not yet got my award. And there's a chance that without children, I'll never get an award.

So I put this out there. And given that we're in different time zones, one of us is asleep during the other's day. Which means, as much as I'm afraid that he'll say 'I am what I am', I'm going to stay this course. Every time in the past, that I can remember pushing an issue, I've backed down at the fear of losing him. This time, though I'm afraid, I guess it's a watershed. I need to know, I need resolution.

As much as this is hurting me, and as much as I hate hurting him, I'm far enough away that I can wait for it to play out. I am sorry though, and very very sad.

My Day!

Today has been an almost perfect day professionally. Or the perfect culmination to a challenging week. Or not... just, a really wonderful day. I've been part of a particular group at work, which has nothing to do with my job (i.e. an employee related thing) which was challenging, but very rewarding. Today was our 'annual event'. I led this event and it went off almost hitch-free, I met a lot of wonderful people and I earned a lot of respect and brownie points. Why it's a specially wonderful day, is because the respect and brownie points are for me doing what I do and being me. It's intensely rewarding to know that who you are, is appreciated. Not because you did something for someone, but just because you are you. What this means to me, is being calm and patient, is asking questions instead of making accusations, is doing the right thing - accepting blame and correcting mistakes as soon as you realise that it's a mistake. It's also about being nice to people, just because they are people. Today, I am more than just happy with myself, I am proud of myself. For me, this is a phenomenal thing.

Ongoing Learning

I was not an organized child, I grew up trying to be careful and now, rarely misplace keys, wallets, phones etc. In short, I thought I had 'become' careful. Of late, I'm learning that I am not. I had forgotten to do a couple of important things at work, I've lost some tax papers, and I'm really angry with myself. I had thought (and I still hope this is true) that I would not lose anything important. That I'd find stuff when I need it, though it may not always be in the most logical or even accessible place. And yet, here I am. I've lost records of my having filed tax returns for 3 years. I had these original acknowledgements, and I have lost them. I feel extremely foolish and angry. I have got to be smarter about this stuff. Keeping track of electricity bills and credit card statements (which I actually have) is one thing, but keeping track of personal documentation (i.d. proof, tax filings, voters registration etc.) is much more important and I've been to lax about these. Something was bound to give, and something has. Again, I'm still hopeful that the papers are in some non-logical, difficult to access place (mainly because I rarely throw things) but I'll now have to plan how to manage this going forward. Given that more and more documents are now in electronic form, I'll have to do some serious thinking.

Perspective

So, SO has a friend, she was a very good friend for a while, but now that they are in different cities, the friendship is a little less close. She got married late last year and SO didn't go. Today is SO's birthday and she called or messaged to wish him. In that process, she also revealed that she's currently not with her husband, because he is insane! Those are not her words, they're mine, and I'm trying hard to be rational or neutral about this, but I have this urge to slap the man very hard! He found a wonderful, sensible woman, who had a good life going, they decided to get married, and then he found 'differences in their position'. Basically, he figured he and his family are too good for her and hers. I have insufficient detail, but understand that it's about finances. She's basically not as rich as him and he doesn't like it. He knew this when he met her, he knew this before they got engaged, but it didn't matter enough then. What pisses me off is two things (a) that he did nothing about this before marriage; and (b) that he's even letting this bother him! She is professionally qualified, in a good job, has been moving up a career ladder, it's pretty safe to assume that in her life-time, she will be upwardly mobile. So, while she may not have grown up with as much money as him, and maybe that affects the way she views options (like where to eat, where to shop, where to live) but I don't see that as a bad thing. Maybe his way of seeing things is not appropriate either! Clearly he sees this as an issue and chose to be insulting about her and hers. Why this really upsets me is because I'm a trained lawyer, and this is an injustice that our legal system should be able to address, to the extent that it makes a violent example of this man, so that others will think twice about behaving this way. Yet, given the state of our legal system, and my current occupation, I cannot do anything. I feel very strongly for her, and wish I could speak to her, but I doubt I will. I hope that they will get some counselling, and if they make it, that he'll learn that money is a very inadequate measure of personality or potential. Why this post is called 'Perspective' though, is because I'm in a situation where I've to think carefully about my relationship with SO. We're grappling with the question of children and it seems more and more, that only one person's preference will be fulfilled. Not like there's a real choice there, one of us wants children, the other doesn't. There is no middle ground. Which forces me to think about what I want (ostensibly, children) and what I really want (children with SO?), and what I really really want(SO in my life?). We've had a variety of stresses over the last year and a half, mostly related to the frustration of the fighting over children, and I lost sight of SO, the person that he is and what he does for me. In counselling, I'm forced to consider who I am because of who he is, and I'm a much nicer, more balanced person than I would be, if he wasn't himself, or wasn't around. I can say again that I love him very much. He's a good man, and both those words hold a world of meaning. He's good in the way that I love (and would want any man that I love to be), and a man in they way that I love. Which means, that I'm trying to choose between a person that I love and respect and (when things are going normally) want to spend my life with, and the potential of having a child. It is that simple isn't it? But when things are going horribly (as they have been for a while) then I have nothing. I have a man who I dislike intensely, and no potential of having a child. The correct answer, is to wait for the end of counselling before I decide anything, I will also, look at other opportunities to get my kid-fix. Maybe volunteering, or working with a day-care, or baby-sitting for a neighbour, or some such, so I spend time around children.

The Private and the Public

When you study any sort of social science, you get drawn into discussions of this sort. Is there a divide between the private and the public? Should there be? Do some people lose their right to this divide by virtue of public office? Is that fair? The reason I am bringing this up now is because a senior politician has resigned from certain posts because a member of his household staff released some footage of said politician indulging in what is arguably sexual intercourse with a woman who is not his wife. Why this footage was created, nobody seems to care. Why is that a question you ask? Because if he w a hot shot politician, it would be a sex tape that someone was making for extortion. That is a crime and nobody would be asking who the woman is. As a citizen of this country, do I care that the man is being unfaithful? Maybe a little, but very little. If he was extorting sexual favours from people who came to him for help, I would be more concerned. What has allegedly happened is that his rights, and the rights of his partner and family have been violated, and he is being punished for it. Do I condone adultery? No, but it is not my business. If the man's wife chooses to take action, I would support her, if she doesn't, it is her choice. If the other woman has been coerced and chooses to speak out about it, I would support her. At present, I support him as a victim of a rights violation, which is going uninvestigated because he is famous and has apparently given up a right to privacy.

Who I am and What I do

I am enjoying my 30s. I'm young and healthy, earning well and working smart. Also, I seem to have attained some kind of internal balance. I understand myself so much better, my moods, my triggers, what upsets me and why, all good things, because I can do something about fixing issues.

I will not currently post about relationships, because those are impacted by this confidence and awareness and are all coping in their own ways.

What I do want to say is that I still find Sufi music the most comforting. I'm not sure whether it's the music or the lyrics, but it seems to work well. I'm curious about this because I have experience with hymns, which express very similar feelings, in very similar words (albeit in English) but I'm seeking out my Sufi songs and not hymns. I'm also intrigued by the lack of Hindu religious music in my head. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but I don't want to discriminate :)

It's only April and actually a lot has happened this year. A lot more promises to happen and I'm growing as a person. I'm happy with this growth.

Update of sorts

So we went for counselling and it was pretty good. SO said stuff to her that he hasn't said to me and I could see how I am shortchanging him at times. A promising start. He also made an appointment with a doctor for tests and put himself through the humiliation of a physical exam. The actual tests will only be on Monday but it's another step towards me.

And he bought me this kick-ass phone! It is a HTC One X and is not yet a phone because it doesn't have a sim card, but it is now my computer and is great fun!

SO if you read this, I love you. I know I've been a bitch to you lately but I do love you. I don't want to leave you but still don't understand what will keep us together if we don't have children. I am sorry.

Counselling

Tomorrow, we go for our first counselling session. I've never been, and when things with SO are going well, I see no need. We actually talk to each other, have fun in each other's company, are nice to each other, show respect etc. And then one or the other of us makes the mistake of bringing up children, or sex, or travel or one of the many hot button issues, and it all falls apart from there. On days when we're both relaxed and willing to try to keep tempers in check, we find some way around this, but it's killing me at some level to have to avoid topics and things.

What's killing me the most is that I'm going to be 35 and I've spent 11 years with this man. If he's not able to see a future for us that's at least related to what I see, then I'll probably want out (will take a few months to figure that out). By then, I'll be even older, and my chances at finding happiness and maybe a family with someone else will be very low.

Do I want to leave him? No, not really. I do love him, I enjoy his company, but it's hard to get his company and though it's been better in the last 2 months, the lack of sex was also very difficult to deal with. I don't want to have to beg for conversation and affection in my marriage, I believe it should be a part of the package.

However, I also believe that SO can't give me these things easily. For him, it's a real effort to engage with someone else, even if that someone is me. And I'm tired of forcing him to engage.

I don't know what we'll get out of tomorrow's session, but I suppose it's a good start.

Updates in General

As anticipated, my friend and her husband have decided to keep the baby. So, as of 23rd March 2012, I'm childless again. It is not really a big deal, except that I am still convinced that I want to be a parent. SO... seems convinced or at any rate, interested, but whether that will translate into any action remains to be seen.

This 'baby' thing has caused SO and me immense stress. To the extent that it still has the ability to break us up. Maybe it's purely stereotypical but I have always thought that I want to be a parent. Discussions with SO have also typically included children in the future. And yet here we are, I'm going to be 35 in 2 months and not pregnant. He... doesn't seem to care. I don't need to be pregnant, but I want a child/children. And his doing nothing about it hurts me. It also reminds me about the time he took to marry me and the drama we went through then.

At present, I am very angry with SO and every day is a test for him, most days he passes, but on the days he fails, I feel miserable and consider separating. I'm trying to contact a therapist so I can go talk about this. Why am I angry?

1. Because I try hard to do all the things that I think he appreciates (cooking/cleaning, giving him space, letting him play, not bugging him etc.) and he snaps at me on a whim;
2. He won't commit to either having children or not having them;
3. He won't commit to improving himself or his life;
4. He doesn't seem to care about a 'future'.

I need to work out some of this stuff for myself, i.e. if he doesn't do any of 2, 3, or 4, would I still want to be with him? How long do I continue trying to be the 'good wife'? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations?

Also, I think I need to work out some anger in the baby process. I feel hurt and well... not cheated, but not treated very fairly. I know my friend feels bad, but I'm also angry with her and SO for putting me in this position.

I think I need a proper vacation, where unfortunately the only one I can see coming up is with SO's family, where I will actually have to maintain a check on my temper and be as patient as possible with all of them, including SO.

Clearly I'm currently feeling very sorry for myself. Time to remember faya kun.

Fayakun

I watched Rockstar a while ago and was hopelessly confused. I didn't understand the purpose, I didn't understand what the characters were doing, didn't understand why a music company was sending artists to the Czech Republic... but I liked some of the songs very much.

I thought that I like Sufi music a lot, and in my stupidity, assumed that Kun Fayakun was a Sufi song. Finally today I decided to look it up. It may be, but the words are from the Quran and reflect that God is supreme, when God says 'be', it is.

I am trying to accept a few things these days, as God's will. I wish I could be as a thing, be because God decrees it, and not have to think about why/how/why me etc.

I have to remember that I can get there. When it is decreed to be, it is. As am I.

Dararein hai Maathe pe Maula

I appreciated the sentiment before, but now I'm a follower. I'm religious in a weird way. I believe in God, not religion. I'll pray to any God, any time, I thank God regularly, I try to do the right thing all the time, so I'm not offending God.

I'm not a perfect person, I don't think I will ever be one, but right now, my muqadar could use some marammat.

Baby Update

I've been working through my baby-related angst in real life, so didn't put too much on here, but that's beginning to change. My friend is now 25 weeks pregnant and it all seemed to be going swimmingly, but apparently we've hit a roadbump.

She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.

Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).

Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.

Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?

Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.

She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.

But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be fine with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.

The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.

I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.

Loving Life

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, that wasn't surprising, it comes along every year. What I want to talk about though, is how I'm doing. Yesterday, I worked hard, did a lot of things, was pleased with progress. I did more work than I technically needed to, got a few small things out of the way as well (always pleasing).

Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.

It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.

2012

I was chatting online and was asked if I believed the world was going to end in 2012. I'm not sure, but if it is going to end, I'd like more notice please? To find out in November that the world is actually going to end is not enough. Could I have a few more months notice? Like 6-8?

What would I do though... very difficult question. Why? Because I think I'd go completely selfish. I'd stop working, take out all my savings, divorce SO and travel the world. I might be more healthy as a result of the travel and maybe I'll attract more attention, maybe from a hot Spaniard...

What do I have to look forward to for 2012? Maybe a baby, a relationship that is... well, is, I guess. We're friends, we hug and sometimes kiss every day, the affection is warm, but no passion. In short, no sex. No sex in 2012 yet and since I've decided not to push it... maybe no sex at all?

What is Wrong with Me?

I want to shout at SO, tell him to leave me, because it feels like he does not want me. That he's being a dog in the manger... he's not going to treat me like I deserve, and he's not letting me go either.

But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?

Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.

Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.

One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.

Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.

I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.

I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.

...

So much to say and so little to say.

So far, we are all progressing on the assumption that it will end the way we planned. The baby will be born and s/he will come home with us. Yesterday though, I discovered how hard this is for my friend.

Her parents are against the idea, and her in-laws, who seemed supportive, are also against it. So much that they are actively trying to change her mind. She is... conflicted and really doesn't need this additional stress. Could they bring up a second child? Sure! Do they want to? Not really. Can they be bullied into it? Probably.

I want to help her, I want her to feel free to change her mind if it means that all the relationships that she has to manage will be more harmonious. I want her to be happy, but I also want the baby that I've begun thinking of as my child.

It makes it slightly hard for me to be completely supportive and sympathetic to her, but I know I have to be. I know I have to tell her again, formally, that she should feel free to change her mind if she feels like. That I know that she will not do so lightly, but that she must not feel that she owes us anything and the only thing we care about is what is best for the child.

It's been slowly poisoning me, but SO's been great about it and reading it now, it makes sense. Focus on doing what is right for the child, and give her the freedom to do what she needs to without guilt.

I'm going to be a Mother!

We decided (3 weeks ago) that we would take my friend up on her offer. My baby is now 10 weeks old. S/he will be born in end-May or early June.

A Very Special Day

The weekend was quite crap. I was terribly upset with SO who seems to register this but doesn't seem to know what to do about this. So... it wasn't a fun/easy weekend, me on the edge, him trying to keep me from crying and not succeeding for the most part.

Today, I had planned to work and then go meet a school friend, who's changed rather dramatically since I last knew her. But I got a call from another school friend this morning. I met her, her husband and their 2 year old on Saturday. She called to tell me that she's expecting their second child.

For a few minutes, I could not understand why she would call to tell me this, till she went on to say that they don't want a second child, they're strongly considering termination but if we want the child, they will give the child to us. When she said this, I knew I was not going to be working today.

I told SO and he's actually quite excited. I don't think he understands what is involved, but he's excited. All set to tell his parents so they can prepare the broader family. We're basically adopting, and he's quite happy with that.

The day has been... insane I think. I went to bed, I got up and ate lunch, I cried and cried, I read some stuff online, I'm writing this post. I wanted to write it for a number of reasons.

The main reason is that I wanted to record my friend's offer. She trusts us enough to offer to carry a child to term, so we can have a baby, she trusts us enough to bring up their child. I'm extremely touched. Thank you!

I'm also conflicted as hell, and like with several other major decisions in my life, I'm looking for a sign from God that this is for me, it would be fun if there was actually a sign :)

Incidental Lucidity

I'm still navigating through my own minefields, trying not to create craters or trip wires, and trying hard not to pre-judge where SO and I will end up. This morning, I was attacked by a deep sadness. I was struck by this sadness because my past has always led me to believe that there will be a reward for me in this life time.

When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.

That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.

I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.

Time Goes By...

Didn't realise it had been 2 months! Have these months been specifically busy? Probably not, but they have been confusing. I'm going to be quite chaotic, once again lulled into a sense of security by the lack of readership.

One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.

Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.

In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.

It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.

I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.

I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?

I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.

If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.

While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.

Ninja Assassin

I watched this movie yesterday, completely by chance. I was blown away by the male lead. He looked amazing! I wondered what he did for a living and how I'd not heard of an action star named 'Rain' so Google came to the rescue. Now a quip from the movie makes more sense.

What I'm more curious about is, did they intend this movie for action audiences or for female audiences? The fight scenes apart, Rain rarely has a shirt on and looks fabulous (after working out 6 hours a day for 6 months, I'd showcase my body too) and thanks to all the fighting is sometimes sweaty, sometimes has water thrown on him... just making me appreciate the hard work even more. Oh yes! Sometimes speckled in blood...

Kind of like Jason Stratham. I'd watch a Jason Stratham movie anytime, he takes a lot of trouble with his body and likes to show it off, and I appreciate it :)

I'm wondering if this is something producers/directors are on to? Making action movies that couples watch, the men for the action, the women for the star?

Vacation!

I had made a promise to myself early this year. I promised that I would improve myself. I planned to get healthy, to travel and to learn some new things. The healthy part seems to be working, and due to some quirks of fate, travel translated into me going to VietNam for a week. Initially, I was supposed to meet a friend and then maybe go on by myself, I wound up going completely by myself, which was also good.

I think vacationing by yourself is great! Gives you a lot of head space, helps you feel/think about whatever you want. In my case, it was about having children, and my options around this. I want to get pregnant, SO... not so much. I'm 34 now and had thought that I only have till 35 to make this happen. Maybe I don't? Maybe I have till 36 or 37 or some later point?

If that's the case, and SO is reasonably clear that he doesn't want to have kids... does that change our relationship? This and other less stressful things are what I spent the head space on.

I also had a great time wandering around cities and towns, buying stuff, not buying stuff, seeing, feeling, etc. It was an excellent vacation though stressful in its own way. I've done it now, I'm looking forward to doing more such trips!

Just for Posterity

I'll forget that this happened in a few days, or weeks, or maybe years, but it has me upset enough that I want to write about it. Our house has a utility area leading off from the kitchen, where we keep our washing machine. This area has a loft, and as long as we've been here, there have been pigeons. We have some plastic blinds for the opening, which are usually pulled up, so we have sun coming in. The blinds have a cord, which we try to keep neat.

Today, a bird got caught in the cord. They've flown into the cord before, but they've unentangled themselves and gone on with their lives. Today's bird got it's wing caught, struggled, got more entangled and was trapped, in the cord, hanging off the side of the building. I was at home and heard some fluttering, but didn't pay any attention. God knows how many hours later, somebody rang my doorbell and asked if we had kept a bird tied up. That's when I realised what had happened.

I hoped the bird wouldn't choke, which it didn't, but then I had to unwrap the cord. I thought of cutting the cord, but didn't want to let go of the bird. I unentangled it after some effort and am still scarred. The bird flew away, and is slightly injured, but maybe not lastingly. It left some blood on the cord, but it didn't peck me at all when I was struggling with it. I hung on to it's legs and was quite afraid that it would try to attack me, but it didn't.

I thought I was fine after this, but I'm still crying. Not because I had to free it, but because it was stuck like this, trapped and afraid for got knows how long. I don't know why I'm so upset by this, but I am. Stupid bird!

Progress

I know I've had views on in-laws, specifically mothers-in-law, those views haven't changed. but having belonged to another family for nearly 4 years now, I notice that they also make efforts for me (including my mother-in-law) and that makes me fonder of them than before.

My mother-in-law has been difficult for me to handle because her personality is bossy and shrill. She's got a heart of gold, she means well and loves her family greatly, but her perspective on life is quite different from mine. She loves to talk and cook, and while I love to talk, I can't talk to her about much stuff that interests me and I'm an indifferent cook. She's tried to bond with me I think, but has met disinterest and maybe even aloofness. I've never been rude to her, but it's probably safe to assume that she knows I'm not 'fond' of her. This time though, I noticed that she eased up on the talking at points as it was getting to me. I was also allowed to participate in the cooking (a first!) so maybe we're making progress!

An Anniversary

Of sorts. Today (20th April) 10 years ago, SO and I 'hooked up' I guess? We met each other in December 2000, met each other again in March 2001 and spent a good amount of time chatting (MSN)and on 20th April, spent some exclusive time together and clarified our attraction to each other.

Since then it's been a long roller-coaster of a journey and here we are. 10 years later, married, co-owners of a house, co-signatories on a loan. Our lives are now more mingled than they were then (obviously) but I'm not so sure about our selves.

On Display

http://www.gettyimages.com/Search/Search.aspx?contractUrl=2&language=en-US&family=editorial&assetType=image&ep=3&p=mallika+garden

I used to think Mallika Sherawat was pretty and that she had a decent body. She, however, seems certain that her breasts are her main asset. She showcases them and flaunts them consistently. What's the point I say!

Hobbies

I'd like to think I have hobbies, but apart from reading, I don't really have any firm ones. I embroider a bit (but have started only giant projects, so haven't finished any), I knit, I own a digital camera and have taken some good pictures, but haven't taken any in a while, etc.

Beginning recently and taking a serious step forward today, SO and I have begun a new hobby, gardening. Our mothers are avid gardeners (which made me somewhat averse to it) and I was sure I had a brown thumb (after killing a couple of plants in my youth) so I'm not sure how this one will go. We were gifted a plant in September (house-warming) and we bought 3 on the weekend (2 Jasmines and one Marigold) and we bought some pots and did some re-potting today. It's a strangely fulfilling thing, to see pots holding green plants and not leaking (though the sides are damp). I'm hoping that these will live (if not flourish) and we'll get braver and move to more plants.

What's Right for You

Might just be the death of me.

I went to visit relatives this weekend, just so I have the rest of the year free to travel for myself. The relatives in question being my father's brother and his sons. His sons, both older than me (one by 14 years or so, and the other by 4 years) have daughters who are 3 years old. The older one had them with help.

I've made no secret about the fact that I'd like to have children, but that's on this blog. My space, a space that my family knows nothing about. My parents, for instance, have no idea what I want and have been told to mind their own business. However, that's not what parents do. And I know that my father expresses his angst about this to his brother and his niece (aforementioned older cousin's wife). As she had help, she suggested that I meet her doctor.

I agreed, expecting a general chat about what infertility means and what options are. That's not what I got. Added to that was the feeling that my cousin-in-law now has, that I've agreed to start on the process of treatment for infertility. Which I certainly have not done. I want to know if my insides are working fine and the same for SO. If they're not, then we'll evaluate options. If they are working fine, then we have nothing to do but keep trying, right?

Well right or wrong, the whole process depressed me. I'm not sure I want to be 'treated' for infertility. If SO and I cannot get pregnant, then I'm fine to adopt. I do not need to have a biological connection with a baby to raise it. Parts of what depressed me are the hopes of my father and uncle, and maybe of SO's family as well, though they do not say anything. I know they'd like for us to have children, and if we cannot... maybe it'll break their dreams? Yesterday, I felt the weight of this responsibility. Today, I'm refusing to. Today I'm even willing to tell my own father that I'm not going to put myself and my marriage through the stresses of infertility investigation so that his bloodline lives on. Sounds cruel I know, but surely my life and choices cannot be held hostage to his dreams?

Choices

I have two blogs and the other one is about weight loss. I've struggled with my weight through life. When I was a teenager, I wasn't fat, but was convinced I was as I had a paunch. As a result, when I got fat, I didn't realise for quite a while. Then I lost some weight with healthy living and exercise, but gained it back and then some more in a couple of years. Over the past 2-3 years, I've lost a bit then gained more back at least once a year.

This year, I made a pact with a friend that we would both exercise and eat right, and help each other. Email is a great help as we mail each other twice or so a day, with updates on food and exercise and just telling someone else has made it easier for me to eat right. And eat smaller portions.

It's been nearly 2 months now and I've lost weight and fat. Every year, I'd hold the flab and feel I was wearing a fat suit, which I wanted to unzip and step out of. Now, the fat suit is almost off and I feel great!

I've been able to eat smaller meals, so now eat 4 meals a day, but have not had to slow down on any of my daily activities and have been able to add 30 minutes of exercise a day, which doesn't bore me and has made a tremendous difference!

Ultimately, it's about choices. You can choose to eat healthy, you can choose to exercise etc. You can also choose to give yourself a day off for good behavior.

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up so that nobody else could tell me what to do. Now that I'm grown up, I find that I want to do all the things that I was 'told' to do while growing up. That's not bad :)

I also realised yesterday that the answer to 'What is all this about' is that life is a series of experience-fruit that you get to squeeze the juice out of. There are only 3 rules:

1. Stay sane;
2. Stay healthy;
3. Have fun.

And the older you grow, you even get to pick your own fruit, from anywhere in the world! How awesome is that?

Furious

I'm very angry right now, with a cousin. She's in her second marriage with 2 children, knew the guy months before she got pregnant with the first child. They're in the middle of their second separation and she just sent him a long mail about what she wants/needs and how she doesn't think she's going to get it from him, and if so maybe they should see a lawyer. I'm BCC'd on this mail because of the 'lawyer' bit I think, to let me know that we might need to call on the lawyer again. I went with her the first time.

That's not why I'm furious, I'm sad that it seems like the marriage has no hope. I'm furious because she chose to copy my on this mail, presumably to let me know where things stand and incidentally to let me hear 'her side'. I'm not in the least bit interested in 'her side' or indeed 'his side'. I've reached the stage where I know that marriages have a lot of 'he said, she said' and the only real issues are violence, cruelty, insane jealousy etc.

How do I know this? Because I've been in a relationship for nearly 10 years and know that we have enough 'he said she said' of our own. Each of us could claim that the other has been violent, dismissive, horrible, vicious, etc., and it would all be true. I have lost my temper, SO has lost his temper, I've been lazy, he's been bored, whatever! These are not reasons to call it quits on a marriage! If your friend was like this, would you immediately stop talking to them? Your parents? Your colleagues?

Then why do we expect more from a marriage when we put in less? If we're consistently more courteous, gentle, punctual, responsible, cheerful, etc. to people we work with than our spouse, why would we expect our marriage to be better than our relationship with our colleagues? Because we have sex with our spouse?

Added to this strange expectation, is a list that she has of what she expects and what she will do. She expects unconditional love and devotion and will apparently give the same. Clearly she's not willing to give unconditional love and devotion as she expects it first, and who's to say that her husband isn't waiting for exactly the same? So now is it a case of chicken? Who blink first?

Maybe I'm most furious because the past few months with SO haven't been the bestest. We're great companions, we enjoy food, we enjoy a certain type of comedy but of late there have been stresses. Anyway, I've been contemplating the future myself, and not in a very happy way. There have been days when I've been very close to calling it quits but 10 years of being together, building bonds with each other and each other's families etc., means that it's not a simple up and leave scenario. Even though I think I could be well justified. Suffice it to say, it's not something that I'm going to do, and maybe what's upsetting me the most is that she can up and leave so easily with children.

Is it a systematic severing of ties? Slowly you cut yourself off from his friends and family, and then from him, so there's no strings left attaching you to him or his, except the children that you share?

Why am I compelled to write about it? Because the tone of her mail is that she's making a reasonable request that it's totally within his power to grant, and if he chooses not to grant it, then nobody can blame her for not having tried. And as a viewer of this email, I want to point out to her that there's nothing reasonable about her request and that he would never be able to grant it, even if he wanted. Which means, she's writing the death warrant for this relationship, but she's forcing him to sign it.

Love Is

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Rashomon

I'd heard of this story in concept in my mid teens; when I was 16 to be precise. The idea of 4 people who each have different versions of what happened. I bought a VCD some time ago and finally watched it maybe 3 weeks ago on a lazy rainy weekend. SO was bored silly, it's not an action movie, nor is there much dialogue. But here's the thing.

Anybody who reads this probably has already read the plot summary on Wikipedia so I'm not spoiling anything I hope? The fact is that a man is dead, and there is an enquiry on how he died. There are 3 people involved, the dead man, his wife and a bandit. Each of whom has a version. Interestingly, all versions involve admitting guilt, and yet, they're contradictory. So the bandit says he killed the man, the wife says she killed the man and the dead man says it was suicide. There's a by-stander who says that the bandit killed the man.

As a lay human being, who knows she's watching a movie, I can say it doesn't matter. All the people involved agree that the man is dead and that a bandit had sex with his wife. How does it matter who killed him or why?

But as a part of society, if this were to really happen, there are several decisions which would become very difficult. For instance, if it was suicide, then nobody else needs to be punished, except if the sex was a rape. If it wasn't suicide and the wife killed him in a fit of rage (after having been raped by the bandit and insulted by her husband), then it's not premeditated murder and she might be able to claim temporary insanity due to rage. If the bandit killed him in a duel for the woman, then it's still not premeditated murder, but the wife is also guilty for having urged the bandit on.

In each of these scenarios, the 'truth' is only the judge believing one person's version of events, or looking at the versions that corroborate each other the most. In this case, the story itself does not allow for much corroboration around the killing or indeed the reason for the killing.

So... what would we do in a civil society? Who would we punish and for what? This is the question that Rashomon leaves me with.

That's the Man

I want...

I want a man who knows that at the end of a difficult day/week, I want to be cuddled. Properly cuddled, to have him wrap himself around me so the only thing I can hear is his heartbeat and breathing and the rest of the world recedes away into silence.

The voices that clamour daily about how I need to do stuff are silent, the voices in my head telling me I'm not doing enough are silent. The voices that tell me that it's all going to hell are silent. And I can only hear him, as he tells me that it will all be ok. And I believe him.

I want a man who knows how to love. Who knows that sex is one part of it, the release of a specific tension, like eating for hunger, but that making love is much more. An expression of an emotion, a very special emotion, that needs special expression. Who is willing to take the time it takes to let me feel his love. Who appreciates that I start things up, that I keep things going, that I do what I do, to show him my love. That sometimes it's hunger, but sometimes it IS love. And when it's rejected, it hurts the love.

But hey, everybody wants stuff...

Another Something

I use this blog sometimes as a personal dumping ground, for thoughts and notes that I want to keep around me. This is another one of those, like Rudyard Kipling's 'If'. It's about men, but this is what I aspire to be - a thinking human being:

"The mark of the man of the world is absence of pretension. He does not make a speech; he takes a low business-tone, avoids all brag, is nobody, dresses plainly, promises not at all, performs much, speaks in monosyllables, hugs his fact. He calls his employment by its lowest name, and so takes from evil tongues their sharpest weapon. His conversation clings to the weather and the news, yet he allows himself to be surprised into thought, and the unlocking of his learning and philosophy." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Take Your Breath Away

I'm not young anymore,
Except in my mind.
I'm not fit now,
But maybe in a while.
I'm not new anymore,
Maybe less enticing,
But I'm still me.

I'm not just smart now,
I'm wiser,
I'm not just goofy,
I'm humourous.
I'm not just good,
I'm kind,
And I love you.

Maybe I never did before,
But now more than ever
I need you to tell me
I take your breath away.

I'm older but better
Sometimes in every way.
I can tell myself this,
But it's better when you say,
I take your breath away.

Falling Is Like...

I'm working on a slightly newer me. the same person and personality, but fixing my external appearance to match what I feel inside. It started with a hair cut, which all viewers agree has shaved several years off my appearance. I'm working on exercise to make my body feel its true age, but I'll wait a while before I confirm the success of that program.

Maybe it's related, maybe it's the weather, but with this comes the feeling that I want to be 'in love' again. Falling in love is easy, it's fun and it's beautiful. Falling out of love... happens painlessly when you're not looking for a relationship. When you're in a relationship, or the relationship ends prematurely... I had to force myself out of love. It was very hard. It's not something I want to do again, fall out of love. Listening to the songs I listened to then, triggers the same responses, deep sadness at having to end something that was special, and had potential. That one, only had potential for me and not for the man I was with, so it had to end, but that didn't make it any easier.

Every so often, I fall in love with my husband again. Not because I've fallen out of love with him, but because he's changed a bit, or I've changed a bit, or because I've forgotten little bits of what he's like or something. Maybe it's also the weather, but now, I'm looking for my husband again - to fall in love once more, like trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists that love is like falling, and falling is like this (Ani DiFranco).

There's Something Wrong with the World Today

I was disturbed when I heard about Switzerland banning minarets, there's ongoing discussion about banning the Burqa in a few countries in Europe, and now this http://sify.com/news/opposition-to-mosques-in-us-on-the-rise-observers-news-international-khvnafgjbig.html.

What ever happened to the Freedom to Practice Religion? Isn't it something that we've all been told is important and must be protected? Do you then start checking people at your borders, asking what their religious views are before you'll let them in? Isn't it blatant hypocrisy to allow their money in without any questions, but not to allow their faith?

And where have all the voices gone that constantly warn that one day it will be your turn (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came...) that authoritarian rule is never the answer, that people are people.

At times, I didn't know what to say, whether I had a right to say anything, but this is going too far. We have got to stop having knee jerk reactions to things that we've not considered before. People who are rational and sensible in their dealings with work and family turn oddly rabid when they discuss religion, believing that somehow a religion is responsible for the quirks of an individual. Surely we have thieves of every religion and denomination? We have the corrupt, the wife beaters, the child abusers, none of these can be separated out due to religion and it's even likely that every religion will swear that it is indeed the lack of religion that made them so.

Why have we all turned into this weird bunch of reactionaries? Demanding that Islam be limited to countries that are willing to declare themselves 'Islamic' and that Muslims in any other country hide their faith? Do we require that Hindus not wear caste marks? Do we force Christians to put away their rosaries and other signs of faith? Why are we becoming intolerant of an entire religion because of a few people? I've said this once and I'll say it again we have terrorists of all religions. I know of Hindu terrorists, Christian terrorists, Sikh terrorists and Muslim terrorists. Yet nobody is prohibiting the construction of temples or churches.

We need to stop and think. What are we setting ourselves up for here? A culture of hate and intolerance? Is that the future we want to leave our children?

Romance

I've called myself a romantic, incurable at best and implacable at worst, but of late, I'm wondering more and more what that means. I grew up in a practical family, where parents didn't have time for grand gestures of love for each other, but have stayed together nonetheless. Is that romantic? Perhaps not. So what was I looking for? Someone to sweep me off my feet? Not really - or at any rate, not any more. I quite like my feet and making my own decisions. I guess the part that appealed to me most was that someone would unexpectedly be drawn to you, and would want to be with you, no matter what. Disaster, disease, disability, disdain, none of this would push them away. In retrospect, completely stalker-ish.

So what is it? What do I want? I'll confess, I still miss the romantic, and at some level believe there are romantic men, but if a non-romantic man asked me what it is, what does he need to do? Indeed... what?

After much analysis, it turns out that it's what a man does that makes his woman feel special. Parts of it relate to her being a woman (therefore probably applicable across the board) but most of it relate specifically to her. For instance, most women like a man who opens doors for them, not because they cannot do it, but because it shows consideration. I do it myself, because it shows consideration. But If my husband gets to the door before me and opens it for me when I'm on the phone, that's romantic. When my husband knows that I don't like a particular vegetable much so ensures there's an alternative when it's prepared at his parents' place, that's romantic. Yes?

There's still something niggling, something that I only felt once in my life. I was in a bit of a flap due to some circumstances, and a person I was hanging out with (he is 3 years younger and I had very strict rules about these things those days) said to me, 'don't worry, I'm there.' He couldn't have done much to remedy the situation or anything, but it was just an assurance that he would be there through it. I felt more special than I wanted to in that situation, and whether he meant it or not... I began avoiding him.

I guess to me, given my various relationships, insecurity is the biggest challenge. I usually feel alone and when things start stacking up, that's the biggest fear - that I'll have to deal with it all alone.

So in the ultimate analysis, romance is what makes the other person feel special, and for me, the ultimate in romance is knowing that I'll never be alone. Now, if only my subconscious would react appropriately :)

Fingers Crossed

My cousin, the one who's in her second marriage, with two babies, is due to meet her husband this evening. Apparently they met by chance on the weekend and clearly had a civilized conversation, and they're going to have another one today. There were some tensions in the middle, with emails flying fast and furious, copying people who had no business knowing what was going on between the two of them (like my parents, my brother and I) but maybe that's all at an end.

I am very afraid for her because she's head-strong and pampered to a large extent. I'm head-strong too, but have learnt over the years to recognize that I can be wrong, and to listen to a few people in some degree of detail. These people are friends and family, but they're also my weather-vanes, showing me myself. I'm afraid that my cousin, like our family is wont to do, has pushed away people like that from her life, making the rest of us afraid to point out that she can be wrong. Again, this is not to say that her husband is correct, he is deathly wrong in his own way, but he is probably right in some ways. My cousin has a blind spot when it comes to money, never having to earn a living, or having to survive by what she earned. Where I'm comfortable in the knowledge that my education and experience will see me through the rest of my life comfortably, she cannot say that at all. On the flip-side, she's very comfortable spending. She thinks she's aware of money, but she's probably penny wise, pound foolish. She feels entitled to an evening out every week, spending money that she's not earning. While she is a full-time mom, and I can understand that that is frustrating and tiring, asking your mother to baby-sit, so that you can have an evening out with your friends, spending a fair bit of money that your parents are giving you... feels wrong. But again, who am I to judge?

Her husband has not been the most mature about any of this, and at some level, neither has my cousin. The best case is they decide to start with a clean slate with each other, hopefully remembering the affection, but putting all the unpleasantness behind them, never to be referred to again. The worst case is they try again and fall into the same traps of anger, frustration, passive-aggression etc.

Families are what they are, imperfect, but loving at best. Parents are people, but when children are very young, they need to put aside their personalities and concentrate on the children. This is not something I've seriously thought about, but something that now makes perfect sense to me. The parent who is the primary care-giver, doesn't have any time or mental space, for anything apart from care-giving for the first few years of the child's life. Given the way life is these days, several people have children with a gap of two years or so. This means, in the parents' lives, there is a lull in personal relationship for something like six or seven years. The time during which children need full time care (the elder one gets this for 3 years, then the second one gets their 3 years), is the time when parents need to be very secure in the relationship - which is technically the security that marriage provides. The security that though you don't have time for each other just yet, you will find that time, because you have the rest of your lives. The insecure spouse will feel ousted by the child/children, and after a few attempts at date-nights or some other contrived experience to reclaim what existed before, will move on. The secure spouse will participate in child-rearing, realising that this is a way for the relationship to grow and mature, a new phase of marital life, which has its own ups and downs.

I'm not saying anybody is justified in completely ignoring their spouse or indeed themselves, but the secondary care-giver must understand how difficult it is, and what a toll it takes. Several people do this without thinking, decide to have children, stay at home to take care of them, then wonder why they're fighting more with their spouse etc., without realising that the situation is fraught with various tensions.

Though I've been waiting to have my own children, every year that I don't adds some insights that I believe will make me a better parent if I get the opportunity, but insights that will make me a better person in general.

For my cousin, I've my fingers crossed that all will end well for the time being, and being adults, they can work on their relationship to take it where they want.

100% Pure Lust!

Aaah... Cristiano Ronaldo.... thank you Google Image Search!

In Which I Confirm that I'm Stoic

When I was in school, we had to learn Julius Caesar. Our teacher took some trouble to explain philosophies and the like, because, if I remember correctly, Cassius was Stoic. The explanation and the definition at that time, made them sound cold and unfeeling. The philosophy was being separate from events, so that you aren't destroyed by events, but if you're untouched by events, my sixteen year old self reasoned, you've to be cold and unfeeling.

Then my life happened, I studied more, I worked hard, I had set-backs in my personal and professional life and I stopped and thought. People behaved incomprehensibly, things happened that had no business happening at all! And I thought about all of this, about how angry I was with these people and these things. People that I otherwise liked and even loved. What's the option, I thought. How do I reconcile that people whom I like and love, and will continue to love, do such incomprehensible things? And the only complete answer I could find, is that they will do what they do, I can only react to those things. And my reaction does not need to be incomprehensible. In fact, the one thing I take trouble to do, is to process thoughts and feelings before voicing them, because my reaction is now a 'thing' for someone else. Do I think people are wrong? Often. Do I shout from the rooftops that they are wrong? Almost never. Why? Because I cannot choose what happens, I can only choose how I react to the happenings.

How Low Can You Go...

I had expected that life would have a trajectory. Upto some point, I would be learning, and after some point I would be teaching. If you assume the average person lives about 80 years, then you learn roughly upto 50-55, and then you teach. Maybe this is true?

The cousin-in-law may have learnt much from his mother, and I'm in shock. At the meeting with his estranged wife, the meeting in which my father-in-law saw an over-aggressive girl and an apologetic boy, the cousin-in-law also alleged that his wife had tried to seduce his own cousin. He said that his mother had said her sister-in-law (the boy in question's mother) had told her that the girl was behaving inappropriately with her son. Now, those of us that know the mothers in question, know that they would never have this conversation. The girl's family promptly called up 'the boy in question's mother' and she swore up and down that she had said no such thing. Her husband was present, heard this, and said nothing at all. My father-in-law, who was present, said nothing of this incident to anybody.

The net result being that the cousin-in-law and his mother now have my father-in-law's support and are being painted many shades of white within the family. Those of us that know his mother and his ex-wife, know which side is what colour. The pain here is, that they used my father-in-law very thoroughly. Used him, knowing that he would not be able to see their machinations, that he would listen to the words, not the tone, that they lucked out when the girl's family lost their temper and he couldn't understand their rage.

They used a man who has only their welfare at heart, who only wanted to see if a family could be re-united and if a disabled child could get the support he needs. Used him to re-establish some sense of respect that they had in a family that they meet occasionally. Apparently humans are plumbing new depths every day.

Ke Dil Abhi Bhara Nahin

In the past week, I've got the final word one one marriage that was in shambles, and news that another marriage has ended. The first one is a cousin-in-law by marriage, the second is my cousin, whose second marriage it is.

When my cousin said she was getting remarried and with all the time I spent with her and her new husband, I kept wanting to ask, why will this one work when the previous one didn't? We're all human, we all have quirks and habits that are endearing and exasperating, which means that sooner or later, everybody will exasperate you, and you will exasperate them. What then do you have to look forward to in a long term relationship? I think it's the idea that both of you want similar things from life, and truly enjoy each other's company. I've thought about this quite a bit because there was a time when I considered leaving the SO, and in self-analysis, realised that I wanted to be with someone, and someone else, would have their own issues and the like - just like SO does.

Now, my cousin is on the verge of a second divorce, this marriage leaving her with 2 little children (the older is 4, born the year his parents got married). She's also not spent much time working, and now needs to find a job that will support her family. I can't help but hate the man that would leave his family in these straits. He's nice, fun, charming, funny, intelligent, and apparently selfish. He would naturally argue that he's desperately unhappy in this marriage, and staying with them would hurt him immeasurably, but is this the answer? It's not a bad answer, I'll give him that - it's an 'It's not you, it's me' answer, which is fine. But it's not acceptable.

The cousin-in-law in the first marriage, bought his wife and disabled child flight tickets to her parents house in October last year, because she did something he repeatedly told her not to. She was devastated, and when she overcame the grief to some extent, she called his extended family and told them stuff about him and what he thought of them. She also said that he was an intensely jealous husband who did not spend any money on the treatment of his child and did not give her sufficient money for household expenses. Since he sent her away, he had not attempted to meet her. They met on the weekend that just passed, because my father-in-law organized a meeting. My father-in-law feels that in the meeting, the girl's family came off badly because they shouted a lot, made random accusations and unsubstantiated allegations. The girl's family believes that the cousin-in-law came off badly because he alleged that she was of loose character (yet again). Only SO and I presently know both sides of this, because I know the girl's sister. I'm not in favour of telling anybody else, including my father-in-law, because the outcome of the meeting is that the pair should separate. It is probably best for each side to feel they got the better deal so I shall hold my peace.

The reason for the title is that maybe that's what marriages and relationships are about. You hang on till you're satiated and then you let go. I believe we learn from everybody in our lives, useful lessons which may not always be pleasant, but lessons nonetheless. I've used this to my advantage in my professional life, and though I've not really 'used' this in my personal life, I can see that my deepest attachments are to people who are constantly thinking, learning and growing. The times I've had serious issues with SO are times when I feel we're not growing as a couple. I think I still have a lot to learn from SO so there's still life left in 'us'.

Not so Afeared

My body cooperates at its own pace. Clearly I was not pregnant and after holding out for many weeks, it confessed that it wasn't either. Now to see if I can school it into submission to my will, or will be forced to acknowledge the Horrorscope.

Rene's the Man

It runs away with me,
My errant brain.
Leaping from thought to mood
From word to phrase.
Caffeine induced or crazed,
With the need to speak my mind.


It's agitated, I am agitated.
But not in a bad way,
Not troubled or sad.
I've been here before,
Words and thoughts tumbling out,
No coherence, just a cascade.
I miss it when it's absent,
This churning of thoughts within,
My creation of something...
Worthwhile or otherwise,
Completely mine.

He was right you know,
Right about me at any rate.
I think, therefore I am.

Afeared

I was good about exercise through April, 3 days a week through the month. I was feeling better, body was getting a little better. May has been bad, maybe 2 days of exercise in the whole month - though I'm re-motivated now. Why? Because Aunty Flo has been missing!! 45 days and no sign of the woman! I was eating better and exercising, I expected my standard cycle, which was about 35 days but no sign. The depressing side is that I cannot even remotely be pregnant, so it's just that my insides are not working. Which is making me mighty afeared!

Something I want to Remember

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Baby and Horrorscope

No, it's not a spelling mistake. SO's just quit his job (one that he's not happy at) but he doesn't have anything in hand, so naturally his family is upset/worried. Some people are able to understand that if there are two earning members in a household, one can quit without plan, and the world doesn't end. Those that aren't able to understand panic a bit. My mother-in-law chose to panic a bit, the panic taking the form of contacting an astrologer. Again, I have nothing against astrologers, except that they trade in fear. The MIL is convinced that she has to have some pujas done to spare SO from the painful effects of his own short-temper. An aside that the astrologer lady told her, is that we (SO and I) are not having children because we are not interested. The SO heard this from his mother, and didn't tell me till it came out in some random conversation.

To say I was upset would be a tad understating it. I bawled a few buckets and got slightly more upset when SO said that my date and time of birth are required to ascertain how bad his situation is. While the information is collected for purposes of job assurance, what if it is used for fertility analysis? And what if random astrologer person swears that the 'khot' is in my horrorscope and not SO's? This is more distressing because I want a child much more than SO does, and I suspect SO has a more serious medical condition than my self-diagnosed PCOS. What if my horrorscope shows none of this but declares that I will not have children? He's already presumed able, and I'm declared feeble!

On the up-side, I spoke to my MIL recently and she didn't ask me for any time of birth, so I'm hoping that she's either given up or forgotten, so this question is either dead or postponed. The angst it caused me though, is quite significant. I'm not sure it's done with (considering SO and I have been wed for 2.5 years), but hopefully I will not hear of it again.

Diplomacy and Politics

I was travelling for a while and am experiencing a vague sort of dissatisfaction with my life, which is why I've not expressed any opinions about Shashi Tharoor and his downfall. When he entered politics, like all citizens who are looking for new brooms, I was hopeful. Then came the reckless tweets and now this.

My opinion is that he's a diplomat, but hasn't realised that there is a difference between diplomacy and politics. Diplomacy seems to be about deciding what truths to tell, politics appears to be about how well you can weather filth. Nobody has a blameless existence, but Indian politicians appear to first learn how to ensure that no blame attaches to them, then they learn how to make innocent acts appear vile and filthy, then they learn about how to accumulate power, and finally, how to retain power. Governance, good or otherwise, doesn't appear to feature too much.

Looking at it from the bewildered eyes of Mr. T, it seems like he made a few calls to help someone who asked for help, and they offered him a reward. He refused the reward because he is a public servant, but upon being pressed to accept their 'generosity' he directed it towards a friend, in what he thought was another good turn. What an expensive set of favours it has proved to be for him.

I'd like to think I'm good at recognizing opportunities for doing and seeking favours. This, I think, is the basis of politics. Everybody has convictions and beliefs, but building consensus and coalition depends as much on people believing that you can help them, as it does on people believing in you and your convictions/beliefs. The mass of voters need to believe in you to cast their vote, but the people who will help you reach the masses need to believe in your ability to help them. The fine line is the help you are willing to provide. You could help a legitimate project get legitimate clearances with all procedures followed, so that social good is done, or you could help an illegitimate project get clearances so that the entrepreneur is enriched, or somewhere in between. And you must be aware that your enemies can make one look like the other, with no effort at all.

When I was younger, I recognized that politics was a very dirty game and thought that the most easy way to uplift India was through the Civil Services. However, not being fond of examinations and fairly confident that the life was not for me, I didn't pursue that route. Now, I still think it's the best way to work.

Coming back to Sashi Tharoor, he confused diplomacy with politics and has learnt that the two are very different. He has the rest of his term to serve out his constituency and try in little ways to make improvements to the daily lives of his people. Not a mean task if he manages it, but not as impressive as what he could have achieved, if he spent some time learning the ropes first?

Confidence

For a variety of reasons, I wasn't the most confident of children or young adults. This carried though into my twenties,and with each year of my thirties, I find that I'm growing in confidence. Professional first, and now personal. It's about knowing that I'm a good person and slowly working on myself till I'm happy with me and my body. I'm quite happy with me, and for the past 3 weeks, I've been exercising at least 3 days a week for half an hour a day, meaning I'm growing more happy with my body. It's a minor thing but it helps a lot.

The thing is, that for many years I believed that no man that I liked would like me. My first boyfriend was not one that I had a crush on, though my second was and SO certainly is. Insecurity about this 'liking' thing, always meant that I was afraid of ending up alone. Something that I certainly do not want. So now If I'm on a path away from that insecurity, what does it mean? Just that I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. I may never be super-fit, or have a flat stomach, but I can control my health and look the way I choose. This is rather a key realisation for me, as till now I believed that the way I looked was beyond my control. This might be one of my biggest personal achievements for 2010!

Mid-30s Drama Queen

I am having an email fight with my father in which I'd like to believe I appear slightly more mature. It's interesting, but makes it clear to my why I'm such a drama queen. I inherited the talent from my father. My mother does fly off the handle and overreact, but she's much better these days. My father has the 'rage'. He's the one who'll go quiet and cold waiting till he gets the apology that he wants. I do almost exactly the same with SO, regularly. I used to think that my mother had a bee in her bonnet about being right, I'm slowly learning that my father is worse, but less communicative, so it's harder to explain or pacify etc.

In the recent past, my father has done a lot more of the 'being childish' bits. Maybe he's always been like that and when I was a child I didn't notice it and for some years my mother handled it. The real fear I have is that my father will not mellow into maturity, taking offence at everything that his children say to him, or don't say to him. Forgetting that they are very much like him, hot-headed and slow to forgive.

For today though, I'm a child who's hurt her father and doesn't want to apologise because she doesn't think she's wrong. It would appear that my father is throwing a tantrum, but maybe I am.