In the past week, I've got the final word one one marriage that was in shambles, and news that another marriage has ended. The first one is a cousin-in-law by marriage, the second is my cousin, whose second marriage it is.
When my cousin said she was getting remarried and with all the time I spent with her and her new husband, I kept wanting to ask, why will this one work when the previous one didn't? We're all human, we all have quirks and habits that are endearing and exasperating, which means that sooner or later, everybody will exasperate you, and you will exasperate them. What then do you have to look forward to in a long term relationship? I think it's the idea that both of you want similar things from life, and truly enjoy each other's company. I've thought about this quite a bit because there was a time when I considered leaving the SO, and in self-analysis, realised that I wanted to be with someone, and someone else, would have their own issues and the like - just like SO does.
Now, my cousin is on the verge of a second divorce, this marriage leaving her with 2 little children (the older is 4, born the year his parents got married). She's also not spent much time working, and now needs to find a job that will support her family. I can't help but hate the man that would leave his family in these straits. He's nice, fun, charming, funny, intelligent, and apparently selfish. He would naturally argue that he's desperately unhappy in this marriage, and staying with them would hurt him immeasurably, but is this the answer? It's not a bad answer, I'll give him that - it's an 'It's not you, it's me' answer, which is fine. But it's not acceptable.
The cousin-in-law in the first marriage, bought his wife and disabled child flight tickets to her parents house in October last year, because she did something he repeatedly told her not to. She was devastated, and when she overcame the grief to some extent, she called his extended family and told them stuff about him and what he thought of them. She also said that he was an intensely jealous husband who did not spend any money on the treatment of his child and did not give her sufficient money for household expenses. Since he sent her away, he had not attempted to meet her. They met on the weekend that just passed, because my father-in-law organized a meeting. My father-in-law feels that in the meeting, the girl's family came off badly because they shouted a lot, made random accusations and unsubstantiated allegations. The girl's family believes that the cousin-in-law came off badly because he alleged that she was of loose character (yet again). Only SO and I presently know both sides of this, because I know the girl's sister. I'm not in favour of telling anybody else, including my father-in-law, because the outcome of the meeting is that the pair should separate. It is probably best for each side to feel they got the better deal so I shall hold my peace.
The reason for the title is that maybe that's what marriages and relationships are about. You hang on till you're satiated and then you let go. I believe we learn from everybody in our lives, useful lessons which may not always be pleasant, but lessons nonetheless. I've used this to my advantage in my professional life, and though I've not really 'used' this in my personal life, I can see that my deepest attachments are to people who are constantly thinking, learning and growing. The times I've had serious issues with SO are times when I feel we're not growing as a couple. I think I still have a lot to learn from SO so there's still life left in 'us'.
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