Is this The Answer?

I went for a counselling session myself today. The counsellor asked to see me, to see how I'm doing and what I'm thinking/feeling. When I thought about this discussion before hand, I became overly emotional, the way I had at the beginning. The way I get when I think about all the things the SO doesn't do. I went to meet her, thinking that I'm going to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling because I don't really see any other option. He's not enough, but he's good and nice etc.

She helped me see a fact, which is that SO is not a proactive human being, he's content to let stuff happen, whereas I'm very much the type to make something happen. I may not have always been this way, but I am now. And the SO may not have always been the way he is now, but he is. And I can accept and work with this, or keep asking him to change this, and he will not. The key point being, once you accept that someone is reactive, then if they want to be a part of a solution, they want a plan. They want to know what they need to do, and they'll do it.

What she asked of me today, is whether I am willing to take the decision, the decision for us to be parents. Once the decision is taken, then the steps are pretty self-explanatory. I've been fighting this step, because it's a big decision and I did not want to take it alone. As I said to her, it feels like I am alone in all these big decisions with SO and me. That said, what does it really mean? That I say to him that if he's against it, he speak up, else I'm going forward and he shows up for appointments and provides paperwork/samples. Right now, this feels imminently doable.

Being with SO in a 'neutral' frame of mind, I know that we'll be good parents. He'll be a good father and seeing him be a good father will make me like him and respect him more.

Interestingly, this is the most positive I've felt in a long time. Now to go talk to the SO about this.

Choices Damned Choices

The year is progressing at the speed that years seem to have taken on. Days swish past me, beginning, continuing and ending, months melding into each other, one thing after another to be dealt with. Leaving me able to ignore what is happening inside me. Happening is probably the wrong word, making it sound like it is outside my control or volition.

SO and I went back into therapy in November, where the main point I had was that I felt invisible in this relationship. Nothing that I want appears to happen, and he keeps shutting me out. Like he did not know how to share of himself. That has changed somewhat. He went for therapy himself, he now knows how to share, how to interact with other people and even be social, which is quite a change. Things are better, but still far from ideal.

The therapist now wants to meet me, as she's ready to believe that he's fine. That he has progressed and what remains to be seen is if I am fine. And I'm not fine. Superficially, I'm fine. But scratch that surface and I'm a blubbering mess, not willing to look at my life the way it is now, not wanting this to be the rest of my life.

Why is that? Because this is not the life I wanted for myself. I wanted children, I wanted family. Children seems an impossibility, and I'm coming to terms with that. SO... may wind up being all the family I have. It's not a bad existence, I can come to terms with this. In coming to terms with this, I have to grieve for the life I wanted and will not have.

The other part is, that life with the SO will also be ... difficult. It feels like I will have to fight very hard to be able to do what I want to make my life fulfilling. It feels like he does not understand what supporting me means or feels like. And it feels like I have done nothing but support him. So I continue to feel very let-down, and not very optimistic about this relationship and my future.

On the plus side, I'm much more into biking, and earning a different kind of respect there. Which has made me consider options in that space, which I had never thought of before. Which may be differently fulfilling, and may encourage me to keep working for a large organization, but it's so much 'on my own' that I feel very very tired.