It has been a long time, and the key update is that I am pregnant, and hopefully this pregnancy will turn into a healthy baby. I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, which is why there is still a doubt.
The reason I am posting though, is because of more stuff that I have had to come to terms with in the relationship, and an internal conflict that I could not articulate till just now.
I have written in the past, about how complicated things become when my in-laws visit. I have dealt with that situation by taking myself out of it. I told myself that they are here only for days, or at most weeks, if she wants to take over the kitchen for that length of time, why does it matter? Similarly with other housekeeping decisions. I feel reasonably proprietary about my home, I don't like it criticized, I don't like others taking steps to clean it, because to me it suggests that it is not well kept. I tamp down reactions when my mother-in-law takes steps, because I don't believe she's seeing it as criticism, just as cleaning.
One area that irked me greatly is the cooking that happens for SO when they visit. What specifically irked me is that SO would repeatedly say he is not a breakfast person, but when she's visiting, or when we are visiting her, every meal would be consumed with gusto. If he is not a breakfast person, why should it matter if there there is breakfast, right? Which brings me to now.
SO has started working again and this new job takes more of his time and energy than he can really afford. He'll work it out at some point, but it meant that for many days, he would not eat lunch. Initially, he would eat cornflakes for breakfast and, as I later learnt, not eat anything till dinner. The one fine day, he found that cornflakes didn't work for him, so he stopped eating breakfast. Which meant that occasionally, there are days when his only meal was dinner. It irritated me, because he is an adult right? Just like me? If I am responsible for my own meals, why can't he be? I agreed to take care of dinner because we now have only one income, and we need to save as much on frivolous expenses as possible.
The added wrinkle is that our tastes are very different, and I often feel that the effort I put into cooking is appreciated. This is my fault, because I'm not fond of cooking, or rather, I'm not fond of cooking food which is high in spice and oil, which appears to be the only way SO likes to eat. I did some work on this for myself, have decided that I have to cook and eat healthy for me and the baby. SO also gets to eat, because there is food. He does not have to relish it, in fact, he doesn't even have to eat it. But it will be available for him. To his credit, he usually eats it.
Fairly recently, I have also taken responsibility for breakfast for him. It irritated me no end to do so, and the conflict, which I have only just been able to articulate is that I feel like he is not being an adult. He refuses to take care of himself, his health and body. I belittled this in my own mind, saying that he just needs to be 'mothered'. This is true, he does like this, it makes him feel cared for. I will continue to work on this, because I don't believe that it makes for a healthy adult, if they cannot take care of themselves, but in the interim, I also came to the conclusion that if he won't do it, for the sake of 'us' and now the potential baby, I have to do it for him either till he decides to do it for himself, or till his mother visits.
What I need to be mindful of though, is that if we do have a child, the child learns that making them happy independent individuals is my only job as a parent. Pampering them is a perk, something I might do on a whim, but they need to learn to take complete care of themselves. Even if their parents do not always do the same.
The reason I am posting though, is because of more stuff that I have had to come to terms with in the relationship, and an internal conflict that I could not articulate till just now.
I have written in the past, about how complicated things become when my in-laws visit. I have dealt with that situation by taking myself out of it. I told myself that they are here only for days, or at most weeks, if she wants to take over the kitchen for that length of time, why does it matter? Similarly with other housekeeping decisions. I feel reasonably proprietary about my home, I don't like it criticized, I don't like others taking steps to clean it, because to me it suggests that it is not well kept. I tamp down reactions when my mother-in-law takes steps, because I don't believe she's seeing it as criticism, just as cleaning.
One area that irked me greatly is the cooking that happens for SO when they visit. What specifically irked me is that SO would repeatedly say he is not a breakfast person, but when she's visiting, or when we are visiting her, every meal would be consumed with gusto. If he is not a breakfast person, why should it matter if there there is breakfast, right? Which brings me to now.
SO has started working again and this new job takes more of his time and energy than he can really afford. He'll work it out at some point, but it meant that for many days, he would not eat lunch. Initially, he would eat cornflakes for breakfast and, as I later learnt, not eat anything till dinner. The one fine day, he found that cornflakes didn't work for him, so he stopped eating breakfast. Which meant that occasionally, there are days when his only meal was dinner. It irritated me, because he is an adult right? Just like me? If I am responsible for my own meals, why can't he be? I agreed to take care of dinner because we now have only one income, and we need to save as much on frivolous expenses as possible.
The added wrinkle is that our tastes are very different, and I often feel that the effort I put into cooking is appreciated. This is my fault, because I'm not fond of cooking, or rather, I'm not fond of cooking food which is high in spice and oil, which appears to be the only way SO likes to eat. I did some work on this for myself, have decided that I have to cook and eat healthy for me and the baby. SO also gets to eat, because there is food. He does not have to relish it, in fact, he doesn't even have to eat it. But it will be available for him. To his credit, he usually eats it.
Fairly recently, I have also taken responsibility for breakfast for him. It irritated me no end to do so, and the conflict, which I have only just been able to articulate is that I feel like he is not being an adult. He refuses to take care of himself, his health and body. I belittled this in my own mind, saying that he just needs to be 'mothered'. This is true, he does like this, it makes him feel cared for. I will continue to work on this, because I don't believe that it makes for a healthy adult, if they cannot take care of themselves, but in the interim, I also came to the conclusion that if he won't do it, for the sake of 'us' and now the potential baby, I have to do it for him either till he decides to do it for himself, or till his mother visits.
What I need to be mindful of though, is that if we do have a child, the child learns that making them happy independent individuals is my only job as a parent. Pampering them is a perk, something I might do on a whim, but they need to learn to take complete care of themselves. Even if their parents do not always do the same.
