And Men will be Boys

So... the more you work, the more you realise that you're the only girl/woman in some situations. Not a bad thing, but guys sometimes forget this. Leading to an overdrive of testosterone and a higher level of irritation. Irritation because men are boys. In large groups where they are not close friends they discuss the most mundane stuff. Cars, watches, girls... I can stomach the cars and watches, having some interest in cars myself. The girls part upsets me greatly. It upsets me as a woman, and it upsets me as a person who works fairly hard.

Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of the guys I'm working on this project with. They're fun and stuff, enjoyable to hang out with, but constantly checking out women. Ok, so you get past that and say to yourself that they're appreciating, what's the harm in that. Then we go to a club. There are several girls there who are dressed to party, and are clearly girly girls - slim and sexy. I'm trying to put down what I found offensive. Why don't I start with the setting. It's a club in a city outside India. A club that shuts down at 3:00 a.m. or so. There is a band that performs here, with a 'lead' singer who's Canadian. She's hot, and a lot of people hit on her. Apart from that, she's got all these men who want to be close to her. Married men, out for an evening of fun with their friends. They may go regularly, or they may go off and on. I also have no clue about whether she has any objections, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't. They're out of shape, they're Asian, they're short and have children who may be this girl's age. They put their hands on her waist and their heads on her shoulder. Maybe she enjoys it... It would be like Bar Girls in Bombay or the Thai Bar Girls. Maybe she does.

Then there are all these other girls. Girls that go out to clubs, well dressed, in gorups of girls only, accepting drinks from men, dancing with men, giving men their phone numbers. Men that they just met, men that maybe they meet regularly at these clubs. The understanding appears to be, I'm young and pretty, you havemoney and want company, let's get together. Maybe some of these go on to be more, but it all seems so shallow. The guys feel happy because they're in the company of pretty girls, the girls feel happy that they went out and partied, without spending much money. And yet, all these men are married. I doubt very much their wives are thinking 'Thank God he's gone out with other women to dance, I so don't want to dance with him!'

So the trauma for me is twofold. The first is that one day, SO will be like this, or in this position. Senior enough to be working like a dog and want to party hard when he's done for the day. Maybe it'll be different because SO hates dancing... so maybe it'll never be him.

The second is what is a working woman to do? I work hard as well, and I love to dance. But dancing requires either supreme confidence in yourself (i.e. not caring how you look) or a very safe environment. Partying with the people I work with, when I'm not in the best shape physically, is not much fun. I had a bit of a blast yesterday, 2 of the men I was with are good dancers. Meaning, if you let them lead, you have a pretty good time. You know how it is? Their upper arms are locked, so there's that pull, you'll only go so far out, they've got you. Both of them are married and I'm fairly certain their wives would love to dance with them. Just that this dancing, their night-out-on-town dancing, is not for themselves, it's for work. So, when they're with family, they won't do this.

But back to me now... What am I to do? These guys are my colleagues, I don't want to become a party girl for them, but I do like to party (i.e. dance). Does that mean I've to find other friends? The other irritation is that they're all so Male!

What is a girl to do?

The Woman and the Mind

So I've never pretended to be anything apart from a woman. And this woman, she's part atavistic and part... well, I want to say refined, but that might be too strong a word. Maybe evolved is the right word. I'd like to think that I'm a good person. A person who can see beyond animal urges. But then... maybe I'm not. I've met a couple of men recently. They're so 'man'ly that it borders on chauvanistic, but they're hot.

So here I am. The 'Woman' thinks that these men are hot and likes their company. The 'Mind' thinks that they're chauvanistic and... well problematic at many levels. An additional problem is that I work with these men. So they can't know what the Woman is thinking. And I need to watch how I communicate what the Mind is thinking.

Ah, the absolute joys of being a working woman! I guess there is a genuine upside to this. The various pheromones that the Woman gets, keeps the Mind relaxed and functioning effectively. The downside is that the Mind is constantly checking the Woman.

I guess I was unaware or unwilling to acknowledge how strong the Woman is. I'd like to spend some time on this. The Woman adds a very useful dimension to my job. There is a lot of empathy and patience that she brings. She also brings some genuineness. But at some bottom line, she's very elemental, reactions are very immediate. The Mind is able to bring some balance, actually a lot of balance. And even in this situation, they get to work together... to keep Me standing.

Of Friendship and Death

It seems odd that in the aftermath of the horrendous 4 days in Mumbai, I'm talking of friendship. I guess the real advantages of an anonymous blog is that nobody knows who I am, so if I say a friend died in that episode, it doesn't matter to anybody but me.

The reasons I'm talking only of my friend are many, but the core is that while the insanity was unravelling in Mumbai, I was rather blase in Bangalore. I knew that some strange shit was going down in Mumbai, but what the heck, it's Mumbai right? Far away from me, etc. But wait a minute... suddenly I found out my friend died. So here's the scene, I'm Blase in Bangalore, I've another set of friends in the US. They're even more blase, because what the hey, Mumbai's soooo far away. But then our friend dies.

In some senses it feels like a play. We're all happy, hunky-dory living our lives and suddenly we hear this. I could write a school play, where one by one, several characters go on about what this particular individual meant to them. Some good friends, some acquaintances, some loved him, some hated him... all of which is true. But does this mean that we've reached a state where we only feel, when something touches us directly? So all this empathy that I thought I had is actually nothing?

Quite apart from that, my friend and I had this weird bond. He would keep in touch a lot. I would reciprocate but never initiate. For some time because the amount of attention I would get made me uncomfortable, for some time because he married a person I wasn't too fond off, for some time because he divorced her and the reason why made me wary of him. And now, he's not around anymore.

I guess in some way I want to say goodbye to him. To the person that he was, steadfast. I remember a lot of things about him, but I think this piece was paramount. My friend was steadfast. If he thought something was right, he would tolerate no less, and he would appreciate 'right-mindedness' in everyone, everywhere. I will miss him a lot.

Somalian Pirates and the World

I'd heard reports about Somalian Pirates. I also know that the Indian Navy has recently rescued a ship that was almost held hostage. I incidentally did some reading and have some opinions (as usual).

Somalia is going through a phase of anarchy where its each person/clan out for themselves. There is apparently no thought given to development of the country as a whole. So the fishermen began overfishing their waters - meaning that in due course there is nothing left to fish. Then the piracy began because it's another way to make money. People are starving and other people are making tons of money by being pirates. Nobody but Somalia can prosecute the pirates because it's either piracy on the high-seas or piracy in Somalian waters. Somalia may not want to prosecute the pirates - after all they're earning money in dollars!

Where does this leave the rest of us? Is this what the White Man's Burden is? Noblesse Oblige? The responsibility of various groups who've gone through this, who know better, to teach those who apparently don't? But who are the enlightened? And what if the un-enlightened don't want to be enlightened? What if every single Somali is willing to have the country disintegrate and the population die? Do we stand by and watch?

Somalia was the centre of a lot of world attention in the 80s and 90s. Famine, civil war, UN Peacekeeping. Eventually the world stepped out and allowed Somalia to take care of itself, and apparently it doesn't want to. Is that a problem? Should it be?

From a distance I can see that their attitude is short-term. It will only lead to more anarchy and an implosion, but if they don't care, what can anybody do?

It's a deeply philosophical question. You can educate and you can empower. Once you've done that, you've to let the person/group/country make their own decisions. They may not be decisions that you would take but they are not your decisions to take. You get to stand by and be a spectator to violence and disintegration. You get to cry when all the things you said would come to pass actually do, and all the pain you forecasted is felt.

But you still get to hope that things will get better. For them and for the world as a whole. If you give up that hope, there is almost no reason to go on.

Me and Abortion...

Interestingly, I can trace all my views on abortion back to a single statement from a lady doctor, who had come to my school to teach us about sex. She showed us a picture of a foetus at 4 weeks or so. She asked us how a woman knows she's pregnant. One answered "When she starts vomitting". Thanks to all hindi movies. True enough, but the first sign, she informs us, is a missed period.

Then she shows us this picture, little baby, hands forming, big head, marks for eyes and nose and stuff, and asks us what we're thinking. Then she says "Are you thinking that you look so human, and your mother doesn't even know you exist yet?" From that moment, I knew what to think. I had other conversations with myself about bodies and souls and when a soul enters a body, when life begins etc. But that was always at the heart of it. Once the foetus is formed - whether it carries to term or not, it is alive. It is a human being.

This all has some special meaning now. I've been trying to get healthier, and want to have a child quite badly. I've missed my July period quite comprehensively, but am not at all sure whether it's just the residual PCOS angst. I was regular for 2 months before this, but 2 months is not enough right? I'm waiting for another week before I take a test. I'm also a bit of a mess. I'm still me, I'm quite excited about being pregnant (if I am) but I'm a bit of a mess. I'm over aggressive and over weepy. I'm not sure at all that I'm pregnant, but there is a chance. It's a scary chance too :)

I wish there was an easy way to tell - like the little toe on my left foot would twitch uncontrollably and then I could be sure. The thing is, with the tests - you've got to wait for a long time to be sure. The initial tests may be negative, and then it may be positive... Or it may actually be negative. So how long do you wait? How long do you decide to keep non-alcoholic... How much exercise is acceptable?

In short, am I pregnant or ill?

Dil ko... nahin pata hai

I watched Jaane Tu... the other day. It was only during the movie that I noticed the brilliance of Nazrein Milana. It's a nice breezy song but has some wonderful vocals. The words... they're fine, but the music and voices are amazing. Of the singers, I've only heard of Naresh Iyer before, and I'm glad that all the others were involved in this.

About the movie though. I saw Pratiek Babbar. I had read a review before which said he was good, so I was expecting a lot. He was good, I'll admit, but not stunningly so. Not like, say Vivek Oberoi in Company. He did have a tiny role though, which he did well. I found it a bit irritating that he was so upset by his sister having her own life. But, that's also not his fault. I realised somewhere in the movie, that he's also Smita Patil's son. He has her cheek bones I would say. Some of the intensity of expression as well. I was intrigued and wanted to see more of him, so did some Google-ing.

I noted a few things. Pratiek is the only child of Raj Babbar and Smita Patil. Raj Babbar has two other children, Arya and Juhi (both of whom debuted in Hindi movies, but didn't make it very far). Raj Babbar was married to Nadira Babbar, whom he left to be with Smita Patil, and had Pratiek. Smita Patil died in giving birth to Pratiek. Pratiek then stayed with Smita Patil's parents, and Raj and Nadira Babbar reconciled. Do I see a minor hindi movie right here?

So many thoughts about all these real people... young people too. There are some older people, who made choices that have shaped the lives of the younger people. I hope they put sufficient thought into it.

Love and Poetry

Hindi Movie style...

It's very interesting that there is a firm link between love and poetry all over the world. My take is that love arouses the 'finer feelings' in a person, which are reflected by poetry rather than prose. A great example of this (at least, I think it's fabulous) is a song from a movie that's flopping. Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic has this song called 'Nihal ho Gayi'. I listend to it many many times before I realised what it was saying. Partly because 'Nihal' doesn't mean much to me. But one day I listened to a verse:

jisko main bheed kehta tha wo log ho gaye
jisko sadak samajhta tha wo raah ho gayi
chamakti aasma mein gol cheez chaand ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
daaliyon mein jhoomte wo rang phool ho gaye
khushbuon se saans saans maalamal ho gayi
teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi


What I thought was a crowd became people;
What I thought was an ordinary road became path to a future;
The round shiny thing in the sky has become the moon;
With one look you've changed my life.
The colours on branches have become flowers;
My breath is filled with perfumed airs;
With one look you've changed my life.

ek hawa jo paas aayi to jhonka kaha use
paani jo barasne laga rimjhim kaha use
hothon ke mudne ko muskurana kaha
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
badla mahina to naya mausam kaha use
sur naya naya nai nai si taal ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi
nihal ho gayi nihal ho gayi


Wind passed by me and I call it a breeze,
Water falling became a musical drizzle,
The bending of lips I now call a smile;
With one look, with one look,
Changing months have now become seasons,
New sounds sound like music,
With one look you've changed my life.

My translations may be rubbish, but think of a person who couldn't care about the moon. Didn't ever look at it as a magical thing, and then, suddenly one day, it's a special object.

:) Now I know why I'm a romantic. And will probably remain incurably so.
Life and love are very beautiful. Sometimes the beauty of it all makes me cry, sometimes the sadness of it all makes me cry. I guess I'm just generally weepy :)

Federer v. Nadal

I saw most of the match yesterday. Federer losing to Nadal. Not such a big thing in itself, but coming hot on the heels of a loss at the French Open in straight sets and the fact that Federer has won more encounters on grass than he has lost. Yesterday, if he had won, it would have been his 6th Wimbledon title. Beating some older records that he had equalled last year. It was a well fought match, but to me, Federer was outclassed. Rafael Nadal was the better player yesterday, and it's only correct that the better player wins.

Does that mean that Federer is done for? One of the commentators was very vocal about how this loss is going to destroy Federer. Which is what sometimes makes me very grateful that I'm a normal human being. My definition of myself and in fact, my own identity, depend on things apart from my 'ability'. And I hope that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are aware of who they are, apart from being superb tennis players.

I keep thinking about that match, and maybe at some level the commentators are right. Being the champion was a part of his identity. There was one particular volley where I could see that Federer did not expect a return. But he got one, a brilliant one at that. Nadal on the other hand, clearly knew that he had to be prepared for everything. He did not ever give up. It was a brilliant game, just a little sad if you were supporting Federer.

And now we get to see the stuff champions are made of. A man who has played and won for over 5 years now, whose career has proved that he is a brilliant player on a lot of surfaces, has to decide what he is. Is he able to admit that he is a brilliant player, but not always the best on a day? Is he willing to admit that? Is he able to push himself hard enough so that he is at the absolute peak of his own skill? At that level, if he's the better player on the day, he will definitely win. But if he's decided in his mind that he is generally the better player, that's not good enough.

The way I see it, the Wimbledon final only showed that one thought he coudl rest on his laurels, the other was clear that he has to push forward. Either way, the future of men's tennis has just got a whole lot more interesting. And with all this, Nadal is 22 and Federer is 26. Each can safely play upto the age of 30. :) Fun Fun Fun.

Inauthenticity

I've been thinking about what someone calls the 'authentic self'. The person you 'are'. This has nothing to do with philosophy and culture or anything else. This is the basic personality that you have. And his thinking is, that if that authentic self is imposed upon, basically by your own ideas of who you want to be or what you want to do, it will be abidingly unhappy.

I believed that my authentic self was happy. Objectively, I'm a happy person. Partially because my professional life is going well and my personal life has all the trappings of success. However, I'm not abidingly happy. I mean, I find myself being unappy from time to time, and not because my work makes demands of me. I tried to blame this on other people and situations, but that's not the case, because I am unhappy, they are not. So... why am I unhappy?

The root cause appears to be that my marriage is not all that I want it to be. See? Now I can be completely objective and say that it's not all I want it to be. Therefore, the issue is with me. Either with regard to expectation or with regard to perception. The only issue here is one that I have consistently refused to acknowledge before. What if my expectations of a marriage are reasonable, but SO cannot possibly fulfill those expectations with his authentic self?

I was asked: What did I hope marriage would do for my life?
I had hoped for a partner who would be happy to spend his free time with me. We would share responsibilities around the house and spend time making each other feel happier. Spend time bonding and eventually have children. What I really want is companionship at a soul level. For someone who knows that I am tired, to try and make me feel better, either by massage or conversation or just by hugging. I'm going through a rather demanding period at work. Not that the work is un-doable or outside my understanding, just that there is a lot of it. I often need a hug at the end of the day. And SO is working too hard himself, comes home late, watches TV till he's sleepy and goes to sleep. By then, I'm asleep and any affection that he shows me, wakes me up - making me very very cranky.

What qualities would I be able to express in an ideal relationship?
Affection. The joy of being with somebody. I have always wanted to be one of those couples that walk down roads holding hands. Not because they're afraid of losing the other, but because they rejoice in being together. As long as I have known SO, I have know that he is not comfortable with public displays of affection, so have tried to be good about this. He is also not comfortable with private displays of affection - something that hurts at times and rankles at other times. Clearly, this affects me greatly. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I did not see my parents enjoying each other's company when I was young. I didn't get the sense from them that they were happy with each other. They are still together, but it was difficult growing up with the tension and constant arguing. I promised myself that my children would not have that. I'm not sure if this 'requirement' of mine is just something in my mind or something that is part of me. I have a ton of friends, and I'm affectionate with them, in that I give of my time and thoughts. Displays of affection are not physical. So why do I demand more of this relationship? Why does it hurt me that I cannot hold SO's hand and smile sappily at him? This requires more thought.

What cannot I do (that I really want to) in this relationship?
The answer is related. The answer is to freely express affection and to have children. I really want to have children and we're making no progress in that department. For a while, I was also at fault on this - was developing PCOS. However, I've modified diet and have taken on an exercise routine. This should make me better, can't say for sure. However, we're nowhere near on the way to having children. I believe this is for no fault of mine. Also... given the way I feel otherwise, I'm not sure in my mind whether it's right to have children. Clearly, they'll see only what I saw. Which is again not something I want for them.

What was my level of satisfaction with life before I got married?
Contrary to the way my question was phrased, all my life, I've known that I want to be married. I want to share my life with someone else, share my home with someone else. Due to this, my level of satisfaction before marriage was low. I wanted a husband, exactly like I want children. The urge to be married, sharing everything, came in my mid-20s and was very very strong. The urge for children has been with me maybe 3 years now. Impractical as I wasn't married, but now...
I can see that if SO turns coat and says he can't do this, he doesn't understand me and marriage, I've become a total bitch and he wants out, I'll agree. I'll also be looking for someone who's ready to get married shortly after that.

There are a few more questions, clearly framed because I seemed unhappy with being married. Myabe if I had expressed a dissatisfaction with this particular marriage, the questions would have been different. I can ask myself. Am I unhappy in my marriage? Yes. I am. I can be honest about this. What I can't tell is, why.

This being unhappy results in me snapping at my husband for stupid little things, making him feel that I'm a bitch, or worse, making him feel inadequate. I try hard not to pressure him on the baby as naturally that makes him feel even more inadequate, but I'm not helping anything. I used to think that the issue was with respect. Which was that I didn't respect him enough. That is very possible, because in the whole process of getting married, I was buffetted quite a bit.

I'd like to think that I am over that. The scars have faded quite a bit, but new wounds keep forming. Wounds along the lines of 'if he knows that I have difficulty sleeping with noise/light, how can he watch the tv with the volume on high?' It presumes a level of sensitivity, which either he may not have, or may not think is necessary. The bottom line is that I make him walk on eggshells in his own house. My excuse? That he does the same to me. He has told me of his 'expectations' for the way the house should be, and I try very hard to keep it like that. I think I feel that I try very hard, but he isn't trying.

I think I have found the inauthenticity. The answer of course is, that conforming to his expectations is hurting me, partially because he is not conforming to my expectations. But then, what are my expectations? What I've listed above? Can you make someone show 'happiness to be with you'? What if they think they 'show' it enough, but you don't think so?

Is the question then, who would need to be less in-authentic to meet the other's expectations? Is that a fair question? Can the answer and living that answer ever be satisfactory?

Kya Hua Jo Laari Chooti

Interestingly, I'm always thinking of songs that suit my mood. I.E. I have a song running in my head all the time and it usually echoes what's happening at the time. Yesterday, the song echoed the sudden excitement at meeting someone. Today it is a song asking what's the matter if you miss the metaphorical boat ... :) My subconscious is a bit surprising. Why am I worried about missing boats? Cause the crush has ended as quickly as it began. The man is married with children.

I've noticed this about myself, if the object of affection is 'reserved', he's forgotten somewhat quickly. Not because he is not interesting, just that it's not an option. The more 'reserved' the faster things get closed. Strange I think... but morally defensible.

And then there was...

The past week and a half has been a bit crazy. I was in the US last week and had fun, but slept badly. I managed to exercise though, so that was very good. I got back on Sunday, which was a remarkably crappy day due to jet lag. Monday I went to work and managed quite well, in the evening I found out that my aunt had passed away. She was very ill, bed ridden and had Parkinsons, so couldn't talk, couldn't move, nothing. It is a good thing that she is no more, but she was my aunt. Endless summers of my childhood were spent with her and I miss her. I messaged SO to tell hem, and he messaged back and forth a bit. I was a bit hurt that he couldn't call.

Monday night I slept very badly and on Tuesday I found out that I had to travel again on Wednesday. Domestic only, so no real stress, but just the packing, catching a flight... irritating. So here I am now, in another city. And what happened? Yesterday I got to the office, walked in to the relevant meeting room, and fell for one of my colleagues. It's a weird crush, I can't explain it. I guess I could explain it as missing SO, but it's a very interesting experience. I've spoken to him before, but very little. And here I am, crushing away!

We'll see when this ends.

Looking for Romance

Life and love... I'm in a strangely philosophical state about both. I don't know what it is, but just thinking generally about the nature of both. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love again. I notice that life is also similar. People are born, they live, they die etc. Some times during this very life time, they are born again. They go through dramatic transformations which make other people that know them wonder who they are. That make their loved ones wonder if they're the same person. That make their lover wonder if this is the one they fell in love with.

I'm going through a slightly transformational phase with regard to my body. I'm trying to eat more healthy food and live a generally more healthy life. This has made me tend towards vegetarianism and get a bit militant with exercise. It's been just 5 weeks, and I've missed as often as I've hit, but I could sense some fear. Fear when I said, I may become vegetarian from the inside out.

Whether I will become vegetarian remains to be seen, but it got me evaluating people and changes that people go through. You can't base your decisions on a person based on what they told you two years ago. But can you constantly poll them? Do you say, these issues are still important to me, what do you think about them now? For instance, it's important to me to maintain a healthy life style, what do you think? And if the answer has changed since you first heard it... do you say stop, this is not what I signed up for? Do you then renegotiate the terms of your being together? How does it all work?

I was reading about this author, I've clean forgotten his name, but I'm sure Google will help me find him. David Sedaris. The only things I remembered about him are that he is gay, lives in Paris, and has recently been 'discussed' for his non-fiction being over embellished. Anyway, what struck me about what he said about his boyfriend:

"In his case, he writes, Mr. Hamrick annoys him by walking too quickly, leaving Mr. Sedaris to scuttle, bewildered and lost, in his wake. But then he remembers that Mr. Hamrick does all the couple’s paperwork, and handles all the money, and fixes all the broken appliances, and negotiates all the day-to-day living, and how happy he is when he finally spots Mr. Hamrick again."

So which of this is important? The division of labour between the couple? Or the feeling of joy when he finally spots his boyfriend again? Are both equally important? Would he stop caring about the division of labour if he was no longer happy at spotting the man again? I think that's the key. To all lasting relationships, the key is to be able to smile every time you think of the person you love. Parents have that with children most of the time. Spouses have it with each other in the honeymoon phase. Then they have to work hard at maintaining it. How? That's a brilliant question. That's one that has me twisted in knots. This is probably also the source of all pre-wedding jitters and cold feet.

You cannot know for sure, ever, that for the rest of your life, you will smile when you see a particular person. You cannot know that even though they make you furious today, tomorrow you will be besotted again, wondering how you could have ever harboured a mean thought about them. So what then is marriage? The belief that no matter how bad things get, this person has the qualities that will make you forgive them everything, everytime? And then what if this person changes?

And in all this, what is romance? What is that spark that the various movies have... that make us feel that this man and this woman, who appear to have nothing in common, will make it to a happily ever after?

Hi, I'm A and I'm an Incurable Romantic

I've noticed this about myself in the past, but thought I was over it. I used to get excited at weddings and love watching romantic comedies. I thought I'd grow out of it in time but now I'm learning to accept it.

What is really weird is not that I'm this way, but that I'm also very cynical about the world in general. I try to believe the best of people, but I know that people are people. I know that when times get tough, most people quit. I know objectively, that a movie is a tiny chunk of a fictionalised set of occurrences in some people's lives. I know that some movies even romanticise love too much, leading to a bunch of impossible expectations.

I know all this, and still when I see SO, my stomach moves around a bit. I know that real life and real love are remarkably hard work, and still (unless we're fighting a lot), I'll take all that hard work to have some time that I can snuggle into him and feel that absolute peace.

No Wonder!

For anybody that cares to notice, I started another blog regarding my aim of losing weight. Well, more about getting healthy really. Now I know why I needed to. I'm middle class Indian and am eating too much, see? For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, over the past few days, Condoleeza Rice and President Bush have suggested that improving nutrition in India is responsbible in some part for price rise in the world.

:) So now I'm watching what I eat so the starving masses in America don't feel so bad. Maybe for my children, it won't be that there are starving children in Africa, but that there are starving children in the US?

Today...

I am not a happy person. I'm functioning normally. Nobody around me knows, but I don't want to go home. I'm depressed and really don't want to meet SO. I mean, I want to meet him, but I'm angry with him. And he doesn't seem to care.

Why am I angry with him? Because he doesn't understand me, but won't take the trouble to do things that I request. I know that sounds weird. I mean, he doesn't understand why I like things a certain way. Fine, I get that. But it's important to me that they be done that way, so if it doesn't hurt him, couldn't he just do them that way? Do we have to go into 'why' every single time? Can he genuinely not see the why? To me the why is logical. The most fights we have is because I don't like waste, and it doesn't affect him much.

I guess what depresses me is that I feel very strongly about it. I just read that poor in India are getting less and less food. In my own country. So how can I order more than I need? In cities itself, there are issues with water, so how can I use more than I need? To me, these are matter of fact. They are not debatable - waste is wrong. Is this a bad principle? Am I asking for too much?

So the things that upset me are, opening taps too wide when washing hands, washing vessels etc. Letting water run when not necessary, using more gas than necessary, ordering more food than you can eat. I guess the 'necessary' part is where the main difference is. What he thinks is necessary, I think is too much. I try not to crib, but it genuinely hurts me. What's worse is, sometimes I get depressed that it doesn't even matter to him. Not the hurting me part, but the waste part. We live in the same world. We are exposed to the same poverty around us, and it doesn't matter to him.

What set it off was that yesterday, he'd made rice in the pressure cooker. Not bad in itself. But he used the biggest available vessel for that. We have normal sized vessels, that would have comfortably held the amount of rice he wanted to make. So I asked him to use smaller vessels. I was tired and hungry and really didn't want to eat rice (cause I prefer not to eat rice at night). So I was making my own meal. He asked 'why'. I snapped.

I understand that the situation arose more out of tiredness and hunger, but I'm still angry. I couldn't apologize last night and I didn't even want to share a bed with him. I'm still angry and don't want to talk to him. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I want him to understand.

And it hurts that he's never going to.

The worst is, I don't know what to do about this. I can get beyond yesterday, beyond his not wanting to make amends in any manner. But I can't get beyond the fact that this is important to me. Trying to make the world a better place in small ways is important to me. He doesn't get this, but he does manage to mock me and pick holes in my attempts. I know I'm being petty, but so is he at times.

I've prayed for strength on this many times, and I'm going to continue to pray. I love him, very much. When we're making sense to each other, we have a great time. But when this happens.... throws me off.

Phoenix Squeaking

The urge to write has struck again. Oddly actually. Just a few days ago I was thinking that I've stopped writing. Partly due to not having anything to write about, partly due to not having an audience. But then, as usual, I need to write for self.

Last year was a nice roller coaster. This year promises to be much of the same. I think I did a New Year post at the beginning of 2007 but don't really want to visit it now. I know that life went on that year. I know that my job went on, went pretty well actually. I'm happy and confident and pretend to be overworked :) That's the best way to be, pretending to be overworked. I think in the past year, I came to terms with my work and my role. I didn't always want to do what I'm doing now... i.e. this profession. I wanted to be in a very different line when I was much younger. However, in 2007, I figured that I really enjoyed what I do, I'm good at it and with the right level of support, I can do a good job. I'm not a star, but I'm nice :)

That's my consolation for not being a genius. See, if I was a genius, I would be nasty, cause I woudn't have much patience with mere mortal's inability to understand. But being a mere mortal myself, I'm patient and nice. I guess a large part of my role, and my new job (new from November 2006) has been to understand a situation and communicate it clearly. The people I'm explaining to should ideally already know the situation but often don't. The ones that do are a pleasure to work with, we're all on the same side then. But the ones that don't fight the other side's battle first. It's a challenge to convince them, without getting hyper agressive. My new job has helped in this a lot, by providing me information. Now, I understand properly myself, and therefore can explain without too much stress.

On the personal front... I guess a lot happened. I got married, for one. Did that change anything? Not really. Having known SO for a bunch of years before we got married means that there's no real 'newlywed' time. But there is still a lot of adjustment regarding new family and stuff. Stuff that I honestly didn't think I'd need to deal with, but have managed reasonably well. Sometimes I'm not very interested in being a good girl, but I'm still not rude or nasty or even bad. Just a little less gracious than I would be otherwise.

At some level, I find it irritating being a daughter-in-law. Like I find it irritating to be a daughter. The 'duty' is a chafing leash, but one that's on for life. The Daughter Leash was one that I was born with, the Daughter-in-Law one, I chose. :) Serves me right what? It's not like there are some weird demands, just that there are demands, when I'm not ready for them or not in the best mood to deal with them. But still... duty right?