Notes to Self

Therapy/counselling progresses and I find the need to make notes. The last time we were in counselling, we were both on the same side, I didn't really want to leave him, and I wasn't this angry or disengaged. This time, it's a little different and though the counsellor is trying, I find myself a little irritated and angry. I want to write out why, how etc.

SO does not enjoy this process at all, I can see that. What this makes me feel, right now, is that we should just stop. I am actually more interested in letting go of this relationship than keeping it going. This is funny, because last week, I was more inclined to work on it. Let me try to articulate what has changed:

Last week, what happened was that SO expressed attraction to me, physical attraction. I wanted to as well, so I participated enthusiastically. When he's in the right frame of mind, it's almost all ok. What's lacking? There are still some physical challenges with him, which mean that sex isn't sex. It's almost, but not quite. Which sometimes makes me frustrated, and I suppose I began preempting the future, thinking about how it's almost ok now, but what about in a few months, or a few years etc..

Then we went for a concert. Shafqat Amanat Ali. I thought we were fortunate to get tickets, I had a fabulous time! He... surfed the internet and drained his battery. He kind of enjoyed it, but he wouldn't have gone for it left to himself, and he certainly did not add to my enjoyment of it. Much like his watching movies with me. Am I looking for flaws? Maybe I am. To be fair, we went to NGMA and had a pretty good time. Though, the enjoyment of art is a much more personal experience than the enjoyment of music, which is shared, for me.

Then there was a conversation which went down the 'why?' 'why not?' or 'I don't want to', route, which reminded me painfully of what it feels like normally. I know he's trying, but I also am certain that one day, he'll stop trying, and I'll really want to kill myself that day. I actually mean this. It makes me furiously sad. Furious because I know I deserve better, and I've been saying this for years now, and sad because of the time that elapses, and how much older I will be before I call the 'last straw'. I suppose also, right now, I'm pretty certain that we will get back to that point, and I'd rather call it now, than in a year or two.

The session this week also made me angry. The counsellor identified, correctly, that I tend to talk my way through a conversation, i.e. have it with myself. And her experience of SO isn't that he stonewalls, or doesn't give me responses. That is my experience of him. But I felt wronged. Also, he lied. He said that in conversations, he'll say something and it's a dead end at that point because I get upset. I think I've become much better about this, but this is the impression he's leaving her with. The other thing is that we started looking at a personality inventory. The initial step already showed that he's a more neurotic personality than me. I get that. The counsellor then suggested that it'll take patience from me to get him past this. I burst into tears at that point because I don't want to be patient. It is not my job to be his parent, I don't want to 'grow him up'. I want him to grow up. Also, I want to know if he wants to grow up. Because I don't believe he does. I believe he's saying this for counselling, or because he's afraid of losing me, which are not enough for me. If he doesn't want this, then it's not going to last. And yes, I am pre-judging, but after 13 years, I think I'm not reacting unfairly.

The way I feel after each session is interesting. After the first one, I felt heard. After the second one, I felt rather hopeful, because SO was opening up. After this one (the third one) I feel betrayed. Like SO is giving her a false impression of himself, and therefore a false impression of me. I know he is not doing this on purpose, but I felt wronged. She said at one point, that our conversations didn't feel like pulling teeth, and I said that it's only in there that it doesn't. I have stopped trying to have the more difficult conversations because that's exactly how it feels to me, like pulling teeth.

I know that in the next session, we will go through the personality inventory and I will say, clearly, that I am not on the fence, I am certainly more interested in leaving than in staying, but I'm going to give counselling as long a rope as it needs. I am not resistant but I am scared. Also, the person I am now, doesn't respect the person SO is now. And I don't think he's actually interested in changing for himself, and I don't think it's my responsibility to change him, or improve him.

Progress?

The themes I noted are the lack of intimacy, affection and attraction. Stuff I've been talking about on this blog for years, that I had done nothing but complain about to the SO. The challenge with that, though, is that I learnt how to complain so efficiently, that the complaints were becoming ineffective, and were hurting me more. Initially I'd request, then I'd get upset, and eventually I'd threaten. Sometimes the request would work, but it was already a little late, because the request came after some sense of deprivation. When life was stressful for SO, the issue had to escalate, which meant I felt worse.

I then, as I can tell from the blog, began to feel there was something wrong with me. That I needed to change parts of myself for this relationship to work. I began to feel ashamed of my sexuality, guilty about some of the outlets I chose. It was a negative cycle and I wasn't sure what to do about it. At some point, I realised that the negative feedback was hurting me. Like deep down hurting, part of this realisation came from this blog. Which is why I felt I had to let go for a bit.

Then, when I had some more realisations, I spoke to SO saying that our expectations and commitments appear to be at odds. I also told him that I can accept this variance, and don't believe this means we are bad people, but just that the relationship may not be 'all that'. He was, as usual, stumped by how to make it work. And we have started seeing a therapist again. Our first session was yesterday and I was super tense just before. To the extent that I was very wound up on Sunday, crying at nothing, clinging to SO because I didn't know what I was doing wrong etc.. The session though, was a welcome relief. I felt heard, I felt listened to, and I felt like a tightly wound spring is uncoiling inside me.

I know that I need to work on some stuff, but I am now, not guilty about my sexuality or even the fact that I am a sexual being. I am, after a rough period, ready to embrace it, and not let SO's lack of the same, affect me. What this means is, that my expressions of my sexuality cannot hurt the SO, as long as we are in a relationship, but I think that is imminently manageable. While we figure out what happens with us and this relationship.