The themes I noted are the lack of intimacy, affection and attraction. Stuff I've been talking about on this blog for years, that I had done nothing but complain about to the SO. The challenge with that, though, is that I learnt how to complain so efficiently, that the complaints were becoming ineffective, and were hurting me more. Initially I'd request, then I'd get upset, and eventually I'd threaten. Sometimes the request would work, but it was already a little late, because the request came after some sense of deprivation. When life was stressful for SO, the issue had to escalate, which meant I felt worse.
I then, as I can tell from the blog, began to feel there was something wrong with me. That I needed to change parts of myself for this relationship to work. I began to feel ashamed of my sexuality, guilty about some of the outlets I chose. It was a negative cycle and I wasn't sure what to do about it. At some point, I realised that the negative feedback was hurting me. Like deep down hurting, part of this realisation came from this blog. Which is why I felt I had to let go for a bit.
Then, when I had some more realisations, I spoke to SO saying that our expectations and commitments appear to be at odds. I also told him that I can accept this variance, and don't believe this means we are bad people, but just that the relationship may not be 'all that'. He was, as usual, stumped by how to make it work. And we have started seeing a therapist again. Our first session was yesterday and I was super tense just before. To the extent that I was very wound up on Sunday, crying at nothing, clinging to SO because I didn't know what I was doing wrong etc.. The session though, was a welcome relief. I felt heard, I felt listened to, and I felt like a tightly wound spring is uncoiling inside me.
I know that I need to work on some stuff, but I am now, not guilty about my sexuality or even the fact that I am a sexual being. I am, after a rough period, ready to embrace it, and not let SO's lack of the same, affect me. What this means is, that my expressions of my sexuality cannot hurt the SO, as long as we are in a relationship, but I think that is imminently manageable. While we figure out what happens with us and this relationship.
I then, as I can tell from the blog, began to feel there was something wrong with me. That I needed to change parts of myself for this relationship to work. I began to feel ashamed of my sexuality, guilty about some of the outlets I chose. It was a negative cycle and I wasn't sure what to do about it. At some point, I realised that the negative feedback was hurting me. Like deep down hurting, part of this realisation came from this blog. Which is why I felt I had to let go for a bit.
Then, when I had some more realisations, I spoke to SO saying that our expectations and commitments appear to be at odds. I also told him that I can accept this variance, and don't believe this means we are bad people, but just that the relationship may not be 'all that'. He was, as usual, stumped by how to make it work. And we have started seeing a therapist again. Our first session was yesterday and I was super tense just before. To the extent that I was very wound up on Sunday, crying at nothing, clinging to SO because I didn't know what I was doing wrong etc.. The session though, was a welcome relief. I felt heard, I felt listened to, and I felt like a tightly wound spring is uncoiling inside me.
I know that I need to work on some stuff, but I am now, not guilty about my sexuality or even the fact that I am a sexual being. I am, after a rough period, ready to embrace it, and not let SO's lack of the same, affect me. What this means is, that my expressions of my sexuality cannot hurt the SO, as long as we are in a relationship, but I think that is imminently manageable. While we figure out what happens with us and this relationship.
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