A Fine Balance

It has been a long time, and the key update is that I am pregnant, and hopefully this pregnancy will turn into a healthy baby. I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, which is why there is still a doubt.

The reason I am posting though, is because of more stuff that I have had to come to terms with in the relationship, and an internal conflict that I could not articulate till just now.

I have written in the past, about how complicated things become when my in-laws visit. I have dealt with that situation by taking myself out of it. I told myself that they are here only for days, or at most weeks, if she wants to take over the kitchen for that length of time, why does it matter? Similarly with other housekeeping decisions. I feel reasonably proprietary about my home, I don't like it criticized, I don't like others taking steps to clean it, because to me it suggests that it is not well kept. I tamp down reactions when my mother-in-law takes steps, because I don't believe she's seeing it as criticism, just as cleaning.

One area that irked me greatly is the cooking that happens for SO when they visit. What specifically irked me is that SO would repeatedly say he is not a breakfast person, but when she's visiting, or when we are visiting her, every meal would be consumed with gusto. If he is not a breakfast person, why should it matter if there there is breakfast, right? Which brings me to now.

SO has started working again and this new job takes more of his time and energy than he can really afford. He'll work it out at some point, but it meant that for many days, he would not eat lunch. Initially, he would eat cornflakes for breakfast and, as I later learnt, not eat anything till dinner. The one fine day, he found that cornflakes didn't work for him, so he stopped eating breakfast. Which meant that occasionally, there are days when his only meal was dinner. It irritated me, because he is an adult right? Just like me? If I am responsible for my own meals, why can't he be? I agreed to take care of dinner because we now have only one income, and we need to save as much on frivolous expenses as possible.

The added wrinkle is that our tastes are very different, and I often feel that the effort I put into cooking is appreciated. This is my fault, because I'm not fond of cooking, or rather, I'm not fond of cooking food which is high in spice and oil, which appears to be the only way SO likes to eat. I did some work on this for myself, have decided that I have to cook and eat healthy for me and the baby. SO also gets to eat, because there is food. He does not have to relish it, in fact, he doesn't even have to eat it. But it will be available for him. To his credit, he usually eats it.

Fairly recently, I have also taken responsibility for breakfast for him. It irritated me no end to do so, and the conflict, which I have only just been able to articulate is that I feel like he is not being an adult. He refuses to take care of himself, his health and body. I belittled this in my own mind, saying that he just needs to be 'mothered'. This is true, he does like this, it makes him feel cared for. I will continue to work on this, because I don't believe that it makes for a healthy adult, if they cannot take care of themselves, but in the interim, I also came to the conclusion that if he won't do it, for the sake of 'us' and now the potential baby, I have to do it for him either till he decides to do it for himself, or till his mother visits.

What I need to be mindful of though, is that if we do have a child, the child learns that making them happy independent individuals is my only job as a parent. Pampering them is a perk, something I might do on a whim, but they need to learn to take complete care of themselves. Even if their parents do not always do the same.

What is Love...

I don't know how to begin this post, but I know I want to write it. Why do I want to write it? Because this pain is in me, and I need to get it out. I need to be able to view it from a distance and eventually, not have it be pain at all. The pain is about what love is, and what love will be, for me.

I have said many times that I'm an incurable romantic. I believe in love and enjoy movies that celebrate it. Over the last year, and even in just the first 5 months of this year, I've learnt to see love a little differently. I've learnt that people are capable of loving only a certain way. Why has this happened in the first 5 months of this year? Part of it is therapy, showing me that SO is what he is. I cannot change him, but we can work together to have a good marriage. It will not be a great marriage because our ideas of love are different, but it will be a great partnership. I am officially reconciling myself to this. Why? Because in this life, this is enough. He loves me as much as he can, that he cannot love me the way I want, is not a failure on his part. If anything, it is a failure on my part, for not knowing what kind of love I want, and not trying to find it.

Another part of it is a marriage in the family. The marriage of a young man who I have known for many years. A good, kind and loving young man. Large hearted, smart and sweet. I would support him on anything. Not like there was any opposition to his marriage at all, but what struck me was the contrast between my wedding and his. The day/night before his wedding, he spoke to his bride constantly. SO, refused to answer my calls. It still rankles because I was feeling upset and nervous and it didn't seem like the SO cared. Also, at the wedding itself, the groom was all excited and enjoying each part of it, I'm not sure if SO was, but I just wanted to get it over with. I guess all this is much more to do with me, but also, in part with how SO doesn't see my distress, and actively leaves me alone.

What kind of love do I want? The kind where my partner looks at me with love. Where he feels truly thankful to have me in his life and wants to put me above everything and everybody else. Not all the time, but definitely when I need it. Can SO do this for me? Actually, he can, but I've to teach him how. This is an effort that I really do not want to take, but if I do, the long term outcome will be worth it.

Is this The Answer?

I went for a counselling session myself today. The counsellor asked to see me, to see how I'm doing and what I'm thinking/feeling. When I thought about this discussion before hand, I became overly emotional, the way I had at the beginning. The way I get when I think about all the things the SO doesn't do. I went to meet her, thinking that I'm going to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling because I don't really see any other option. He's not enough, but he's good and nice etc.

She helped me see a fact, which is that SO is not a proactive human being, he's content to let stuff happen, whereas I'm very much the type to make something happen. I may not have always been this way, but I am now. And the SO may not have always been the way he is now, but he is. And I can accept and work with this, or keep asking him to change this, and he will not. The key point being, once you accept that someone is reactive, then if they want to be a part of a solution, they want a plan. They want to know what they need to do, and they'll do it.

What she asked of me today, is whether I am willing to take the decision, the decision for us to be parents. Once the decision is taken, then the steps are pretty self-explanatory. I've been fighting this step, because it's a big decision and I did not want to take it alone. As I said to her, it feels like I am alone in all these big decisions with SO and me. That said, what does it really mean? That I say to him that if he's against it, he speak up, else I'm going forward and he shows up for appointments and provides paperwork/samples. Right now, this feels imminently doable.

Being with SO in a 'neutral' frame of mind, I know that we'll be good parents. He'll be a good father and seeing him be a good father will make me like him and respect him more.

Interestingly, this is the most positive I've felt in a long time. Now to go talk to the SO about this.

Choices Damned Choices

The year is progressing at the speed that years seem to have taken on. Days swish past me, beginning, continuing and ending, months melding into each other, one thing after another to be dealt with. Leaving me able to ignore what is happening inside me. Happening is probably the wrong word, making it sound like it is outside my control or volition.

SO and I went back into therapy in November, where the main point I had was that I felt invisible in this relationship. Nothing that I want appears to happen, and he keeps shutting me out. Like he did not know how to share of himself. That has changed somewhat. He went for therapy himself, he now knows how to share, how to interact with other people and even be social, which is quite a change. Things are better, but still far from ideal.

The therapist now wants to meet me, as she's ready to believe that he's fine. That he has progressed and what remains to be seen is if I am fine. And I'm not fine. Superficially, I'm fine. But scratch that surface and I'm a blubbering mess, not willing to look at my life the way it is now, not wanting this to be the rest of my life.

Why is that? Because this is not the life I wanted for myself. I wanted children, I wanted family. Children seems an impossibility, and I'm coming to terms with that. SO... may wind up being all the family I have. It's not a bad existence, I can come to terms with this. In coming to terms with this, I have to grieve for the life I wanted and will not have.

The other part is, that life with the SO will also be ... difficult. It feels like I will have to fight very hard to be able to do what I want to make my life fulfilling. It feels like he does not understand what supporting me means or feels like. And it feels like I have done nothing but support him. So I continue to feel very let-down, and not very optimistic about this relationship and my future.

On the plus side, I'm much more into biking, and earning a different kind of respect there. Which has made me consider options in that space, which I had never thought of before. Which may be differently fulfilling, and may encourage me to keep working for a large organization, but it's so much 'on my own' that I feel very very tired.