I don't know how to begin this post, but I know I want to write it. Why do I want to write it? Because this pain is in me, and I need to get it out. I need to be able to view it from a distance and eventually, not have it be pain at all. The pain is about what love is, and what love will be, for me.
I have said many times that I'm an incurable romantic. I believe in love and enjoy movies that celebrate it. Over the last year, and even in just the first 5 months of this year, I've learnt to see love a little differently. I've learnt that people are capable of loving only a certain way. Why has this happened in the first 5 months of this year? Part of it is therapy, showing me that SO is what he is. I cannot change him, but we can work together to have a good marriage. It will not be a great marriage because our ideas of love are different, but it will be a great partnership. I am officially reconciling myself to this. Why? Because in this life, this is enough. He loves me as much as he can, that he cannot love me the way I want, is not a failure on his part. If anything, it is a failure on my part, for not knowing what kind of love I want, and not trying to find it.
Another part of it is a marriage in the family. The marriage of a young man who I have known for many years. A good, kind and loving young man. Large hearted, smart and sweet. I would support him on anything. Not like there was any opposition to his marriage at all, but what struck me was the contrast between my wedding and his. The day/night before his wedding, he spoke to his bride constantly. SO, refused to answer my calls. It still rankles because I was feeling upset and nervous and it didn't seem like the SO cared. Also, at the wedding itself, the groom was all excited and enjoying each part of it, I'm not sure if SO was, but I just wanted to get it over with. I guess all this is much more to do with me, but also, in part with how SO doesn't see my distress, and actively leaves me alone.
What kind of love do I want? The kind where my partner looks at me with love. Where he feels truly thankful to have me in his life and wants to put me above everything and everybody else. Not all the time, but definitely when I need it. Can SO do this for me? Actually, he can, but I've to teach him how. This is an effort that I really do not want to take, but if I do, the long term outcome will be worth it.
I have said many times that I'm an incurable romantic. I believe in love and enjoy movies that celebrate it. Over the last year, and even in just the first 5 months of this year, I've learnt to see love a little differently. I've learnt that people are capable of loving only a certain way. Why has this happened in the first 5 months of this year? Part of it is therapy, showing me that SO is what he is. I cannot change him, but we can work together to have a good marriage. It will not be a great marriage because our ideas of love are different, but it will be a great partnership. I am officially reconciling myself to this. Why? Because in this life, this is enough. He loves me as much as he can, that he cannot love me the way I want, is not a failure on his part. If anything, it is a failure on my part, for not knowing what kind of love I want, and not trying to find it.
Another part of it is a marriage in the family. The marriage of a young man who I have known for many years. A good, kind and loving young man. Large hearted, smart and sweet. I would support him on anything. Not like there was any opposition to his marriage at all, but what struck me was the contrast between my wedding and his. The day/night before his wedding, he spoke to his bride constantly. SO, refused to answer my calls. It still rankles because I was feeling upset and nervous and it didn't seem like the SO cared. Also, at the wedding itself, the groom was all excited and enjoying each part of it, I'm not sure if SO was, but I just wanted to get it over with. I guess all this is much more to do with me, but also, in part with how SO doesn't see my distress, and actively leaves me alone.
What kind of love do I want? The kind where my partner looks at me with love. Where he feels truly thankful to have me in his life and wants to put me above everything and everybody else. Not all the time, but definitely when I need it. Can SO do this for me? Actually, he can, but I've to teach him how. This is an effort that I really do not want to take, but if I do, the long term outcome will be worth it.
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