Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
In Which I Confirm that I'm Stoic
When I was in school, we had to learn Julius Caesar. Our teacher took some trouble to explain philosophies and the like, because, if I remember correctly, Cassius was Stoic. The explanation and the definition at that time, made them sound cold and unfeeling. The philosophy was being separate from events, so that you aren't destroyed by events, but if you're untouched by events, my sixteen year old self reasoned, you've to be cold and unfeeling.
Then my life happened, I studied more, I worked hard, I had set-backs in my personal and professional life and I stopped and thought. People behaved incomprehensibly, things happened that had no business happening at all! And I thought about all of this, about how angry I was with these people and these things. People that I otherwise liked and even loved. What's the option, I thought. How do I reconcile that people whom I like and love, and will continue to love, do such incomprehensible things? And the only complete answer I could find, is that they will do what they do, I can only react to those things. And my reaction does not need to be incomprehensible. In fact, the one thing I take trouble to do, is to process thoughts and feelings before voicing them, because my reaction is now a 'thing' for someone else. Do I think people are wrong? Often. Do I shout from the rooftops that they are wrong? Almost never. Why? Because I cannot choose what happens, I can only choose how I react to the happenings.
Then my life happened, I studied more, I worked hard, I had set-backs in my personal and professional life and I stopped and thought. People behaved incomprehensibly, things happened that had no business happening at all! And I thought about all of this, about how angry I was with these people and these things. People that I otherwise liked and even loved. What's the option, I thought. How do I reconcile that people whom I like and love, and will continue to love, do such incomprehensible things? And the only complete answer I could find, is that they will do what they do, I can only react to those things. And my reaction does not need to be incomprehensible. In fact, the one thing I take trouble to do, is to process thoughts and feelings before voicing them, because my reaction is now a 'thing' for someone else. Do I think people are wrong? Often. Do I shout from the rooftops that they are wrong? Almost never. Why? Because I cannot choose what happens, I can only choose how I react to the happenings.
Monday, June 14, 2010
How Low Can You Go...
I had expected that life would have a trajectory. Upto some point, I would be learning, and after some point I would be teaching. If you assume the average person lives about 80 years, then you learn roughly upto 50-55, and then you teach. Maybe this is true?
The cousin-in-law may have learnt much from his mother, and I'm in shock. At the meeting with his estranged wife, the meeting in which my father-in-law saw an over-aggressive girl and an apologetic boy, the cousin-in-law also alleged that his wife had tried to seduce his own cousin. He said that his mother had said her sister-in-law (the boy in question's mother) had told her that the girl was behaving inappropriately with her son. Now, those of us that know the mothers in question, know that they would never have this conversation. The girl's family promptly called up 'the boy in question's mother' and she swore up and down that she had said no such thing. Her husband was present, heard this, and said nothing at all. My father-in-law, who was present, said nothing of this incident to anybody.
The net result being that the cousin-in-law and his mother now have my father-in-law's support and are being painted many shades of white within the family. Those of us that know his mother and his ex-wife, know which side is what colour. The pain here is, that they used my father-in-law very thoroughly. Used him, knowing that he would not be able to see their machinations, that he would listen to the words, not the tone, that they lucked out when the girl's family lost their temper and he couldn't understand their rage.
They used a man who has only their welfare at heart, who only wanted to see if a family could be re-united and if a disabled child could get the support he needs. Used him to re-establish some sense of respect that they had in a family that they meet occasionally. Apparently humans are plumbing new depths every day.
The cousin-in-law may have learnt much from his mother, and I'm in shock. At the meeting with his estranged wife, the meeting in which my father-in-law saw an over-aggressive girl and an apologetic boy, the cousin-in-law also alleged that his wife had tried to seduce his own cousin. He said that his mother had said her sister-in-law (the boy in question's mother) had told her that the girl was behaving inappropriately with her son. Now, those of us that know the mothers in question, know that they would never have this conversation. The girl's family promptly called up 'the boy in question's mother' and she swore up and down that she had said no such thing. Her husband was present, heard this, and said nothing at all. My father-in-law, who was present, said nothing of this incident to anybody.
The net result being that the cousin-in-law and his mother now have my father-in-law's support and are being painted many shades of white within the family. Those of us that know his mother and his ex-wife, know which side is what colour. The pain here is, that they used my father-in-law very thoroughly. Used him, knowing that he would not be able to see their machinations, that he would listen to the words, not the tone, that they lucked out when the girl's family lost their temper and he couldn't understand their rage.
They used a man who has only their welfare at heart, who only wanted to see if a family could be re-united and if a disabled child could get the support he needs. Used him to re-establish some sense of respect that they had in a family that they meet occasionally. Apparently humans are plumbing new depths every day.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Ke Dil Abhi Bhara Nahin
In the past week, I've got the final word one one marriage that was in shambles, and news that another marriage has ended. The first one is a cousin-in-law by marriage, the second is my cousin, whose second marriage it is.
When my cousin said she was getting remarried and with all the time I spent with her and her new husband, I kept wanting to ask, why will this one work when the previous one didn't? We're all human, we all have quirks and habits that are endearing and exasperating, which means that sooner or later, everybody will exasperate you, and you will exasperate them. What then do you have to look forward to in a long term relationship? I think it's the idea that both of you want similar things from life, and truly enjoy each other's company. I've thought about this quite a bit because there was a time when I considered leaving the SO, and in self-analysis, realised that I wanted to be with someone, and someone else, would have their own issues and the like - just like SO does.
Now, my cousin is on the verge of a second divorce, this marriage leaving her with 2 little children (the older is 4, born the year his parents got married). She's also not spent much time working, and now needs to find a job that will support her family. I can't help but hate the man that would leave his family in these straits. He's nice, fun, charming, funny, intelligent, and apparently selfish. He would naturally argue that he's desperately unhappy in this marriage, and staying with them would hurt him immeasurably, but is this the answer? It's not a bad answer, I'll give him that - it's an 'It's not you, it's me' answer, which is fine. But it's not acceptable.
The cousin-in-law in the first marriage, bought his wife and disabled child flight tickets to her parents house in October last year, because she did something he repeatedly told her not to. She was devastated, and when she overcame the grief to some extent, she called his extended family and told them stuff about him and what he thought of them. She also said that he was an intensely jealous husband who did not spend any money on the treatment of his child and did not give her sufficient money for household expenses. Since he sent her away, he had not attempted to meet her. They met on the weekend that just passed, because my father-in-law organized a meeting. My father-in-law feels that in the meeting, the girl's family came off badly because they shouted a lot, made random accusations and unsubstantiated allegations. The girl's family believes that the cousin-in-law came off badly because he alleged that she was of loose character (yet again). Only SO and I presently know both sides of this, because I know the girl's sister. I'm not in favour of telling anybody else, including my father-in-law, because the outcome of the meeting is that the pair should separate. It is probably best for each side to feel they got the better deal so I shall hold my peace.
The reason for the title is that maybe that's what marriages and relationships are about. You hang on till you're satiated and then you let go. I believe we learn from everybody in our lives, useful lessons which may not always be pleasant, but lessons nonetheless. I've used this to my advantage in my professional life, and though I've not really 'used' this in my personal life, I can see that my deepest attachments are to people who are constantly thinking, learning and growing. The times I've had serious issues with SO are times when I feel we're not growing as a couple. I think I still have a lot to learn from SO so there's still life left in 'us'.
When my cousin said she was getting remarried and with all the time I spent with her and her new husband, I kept wanting to ask, why will this one work when the previous one didn't? We're all human, we all have quirks and habits that are endearing and exasperating, which means that sooner or later, everybody will exasperate you, and you will exasperate them. What then do you have to look forward to in a long term relationship? I think it's the idea that both of you want similar things from life, and truly enjoy each other's company. I've thought about this quite a bit because there was a time when I considered leaving the SO, and in self-analysis, realised that I wanted to be with someone, and someone else, would have their own issues and the like - just like SO does.
Now, my cousin is on the verge of a second divorce, this marriage leaving her with 2 little children (the older is 4, born the year his parents got married). She's also not spent much time working, and now needs to find a job that will support her family. I can't help but hate the man that would leave his family in these straits. He's nice, fun, charming, funny, intelligent, and apparently selfish. He would naturally argue that he's desperately unhappy in this marriage, and staying with them would hurt him immeasurably, but is this the answer? It's not a bad answer, I'll give him that - it's an 'It's not you, it's me' answer, which is fine. But it's not acceptable.
The cousin-in-law in the first marriage, bought his wife and disabled child flight tickets to her parents house in October last year, because she did something he repeatedly told her not to. She was devastated, and when she overcame the grief to some extent, she called his extended family and told them stuff about him and what he thought of them. She also said that he was an intensely jealous husband who did not spend any money on the treatment of his child and did not give her sufficient money for household expenses. Since he sent her away, he had not attempted to meet her. They met on the weekend that just passed, because my father-in-law organized a meeting. My father-in-law feels that in the meeting, the girl's family came off badly because they shouted a lot, made random accusations and unsubstantiated allegations. The girl's family believes that the cousin-in-law came off badly because he alleged that she was of loose character (yet again). Only SO and I presently know both sides of this, because I know the girl's sister. I'm not in favour of telling anybody else, including my father-in-law, because the outcome of the meeting is that the pair should separate. It is probably best for each side to feel they got the better deal so I shall hold my peace.
The reason for the title is that maybe that's what marriages and relationships are about. You hang on till you're satiated and then you let go. I believe we learn from everybody in our lives, useful lessons which may not always be pleasant, but lessons nonetheless. I've used this to my advantage in my professional life, and though I've not really 'used' this in my personal life, I can see that my deepest attachments are to people who are constantly thinking, learning and growing. The times I've had serious issues with SO are times when I feel we're not growing as a couple. I think I still have a lot to learn from SO so there's still life left in 'us'.
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