Me and Us

Personhood and relationships are fluid concepts. I've been various people in my life and I think I'm now at the stage where I'm happy with me. There are a few things I could do differently, mostly related to exercise and engaging with family, but I'm happy with the person I am most of the time. I also find that I've chilled out a lot in terms of expectations of other people and the world. I suppose the past few years have been all about learning that my opinions are mine alone, and not right or wrong. The way other people's opinions are theirs, and may have to do with me, but do not impact me, and are certainly not right or wrong for me.

I read a book yesterday, 'Absent in the Spring' by Mary Westmacott, which was a pseudonym that Agatha Christie used, to write novels. This is the story of a lady who got married and had three children, and took no trouble to understand either her husband or her children. Who did not learn what happiness meant and certainly did not support her husband or children in their quest for happiness. The husband is the sensitive person in the family, understanding and supporting his children, and where required, showing them the errors of their ways. I cannot recall whether he tried to explain anything to his wife, but it feels now like he did not. He assumed that she would understand when he said he was unhappy with his work. That she would understand how important it was for him, as a person, to be fulfilled with what he does most of the time. It was not remotely important for her, her life was about duty, and she did that admirably.

In the story, she has a 'revelation' of sorts, where she realises that she has been blind to the people in her life, and she understands that it is all the worse that she subjected them to this because she actually loves them. If she didn't, then one could understand the punishment, but to persecute the ones you love... is beyond cruel. The ending is completely believable, and the lead up to it is clear, moments of revelation are wonderful, what matters is what you do post that.

Why did I segue into this story? When we were going for counselling, one day the discussion was about SO and this 'wall' he has built to keep intimacy somewhat at bay. The wall was what disconcerted me, because I could never hurt him. That day, he understood and felt. There is one moment that stands out in my memory, when he looked at me and really, truly, felt. He felt love and remorse and I could see it. And then he decided that the wall was going to stay. It worked for him, and isn't that what matters?

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact, and it is a fact, that SO and I will not have children. Why? Because he cannot wrap his mind around not actually having them. By the time he wraps his mind around this, I will be too old to have them. I understand this, and it makes me sad. What I also realise is that having children is a serious expression of my personality. I know I will be good at this. My children will not always love me, but they will be secure, confident human beings and hopefully will understand that being kind and respectful to/of everything and everybody is the most important thing. I still talk of them as if they will exist, my children, because, though I understand that they will not exist, I have not yet fully accepted this.

I also realise what this means for SO and me. It means that he will lose me. The person that I could have been, will not exist. This is a choice I am making because the choice is between leaving SO and trying to achieve this person, the mother that I will be, or staying with the SO and not being a mother. And I have decided that the person I am, the person I want to remain, cannot do this. He is a good man, he just does not understand what this means to me. I can explain, I can rant, I can sob, but I cannot make him feel what I feel. And he does not do empathy like I do, so unless he feels, he cannot process this.

I also do not want to be a person who has an affair. I know this. So where does this leave me? Enjoying all the children I meet short term. I met my friend's boys last weekend and they are so wonderful it's awesome. I look forward to having my own relationship with them, quite separate from my friend and know it will be rich and rewarding.

So, I know where and who I am now. I also have a sense of 'us' currently, though it's a painful, thorny time for us, whether the SO knows this or not. I also will probably resent that he doesn't see what happens to me around children, how I focus on them, how I light up... and how he is being more than cruel because he actually loves me and he is doing this to me. And then he will do something else, like iron my clothes or buy me cupcakes and I'll know that we will be alright.

Is this Forever?

I'm wandering through my life, not inspired by my work, wondering what it's about. Is there a tipping point? When you go from being a spectator, learning about stuff, doing stuff the way you are told, to becoming a teacher, teaching people? Am I there already?

I asked for a change of role so I got to learn about a new side of my organization, there is stuff to be learnt there but I haven't dived in yet. I'm yet to immerse myself in that learning experience, if you will. I'm doing some lawyering for them and am not sure if the lack of enthusiasm and inspiration is just because I've not been immersed in the learning, or because there is very little learning to be immersed in here. So... I'm waiting and watching to see how this evolves. I'm also a tad overworked as I continue to do my old role, though for a week now, I have had the ability to hand it over, I just haven't. This week I'll get that done.

And then there's my family life. Or lack thereof. We're in some kind of a rut, SO and I. I'm very happy with him, he's being a fabulous partner, but we've not made any progress on children. Which means my day to day life is very very lonely. This, the loneliness, hit me a little earlier today. I realised I have a great life, but an extremely lonely one, with apparently no scope of improvement, because we're not moving forward towards children or pets or anything. I could go to office more (I work from home a lot) or socialize with more people in the complex where we live. I could, but I really don't want to. Maybe I need a few more friends in my life? The reason I'm not thinking too hard about making new friends is because it's a temporary thing. SO is currently working on some projects with weird timings. He comes home well past midnight each day, basically arriving and leaving on the same day. This is apparently going to continue for another month or so, and may also include a trip for work. My working day is pretty much in my own time zone, so I have to start in the morning and am done by evening. When SO is not on weird projects, he's home by 8:00 p.m. and we have an evening together. I know I will always want to spend time with SO, so I'm not sure I want to start finding friends or things to do in the evening when I'll have to stop that as soon as SO has free time again.

Am I unhappy with myself? Only in the sense that I'm not able to change this situation. But I don't really want to. SO is being good and kind, we're being friendly and nice to each other. There is real love here, just a constant feeling of what next, and this realisation that my daily life is very lonely.

I think I've to find a joy in cooking, so I'll have a more fun time in the evening with myself and not poison myself by eating badly otherwise (no inspiration for meals for one).

Liquid Love

I once met a cocktail I fell in love with. It was called a Rusty Nail and is whiskey based, my then 'new favourite' alcohol. Over time the places where I could get a Rusty Nail changed, and due to the paucity of Drambuie, disappeared altogether.

I got healthy, drank less, stuck to beer in social situations, and started ignoring my favourite alcohol, whiskey. It made me mellow but also dehydrated. I travelled for work recently and found Drambuie at Duty Free.

And I have found my liquid love. It's like the Bombay Sapphire of whiskeys, smooth, tasty... Home. I feel oddly comforted, I should watch it!

Being an Adult

See, when I was younger, I couldn't wait for this time. When I was the boss, when nobody could tell me what to do. I knew it was going to be better, how could it not? I would be in charge, I would be the boss of me! What I did not know in my still childish innocence, is the pain that comes with being an adult.

What is this pain I speak of? The pain of knowing that people are. When you are a child, you are told that you have to try, try to study harder, to overcome your meaner impulses, to be kinder, to be more patient, the never-ending list of self-betterment. Every child is told this, and most try. Some adults continue to try, but as I've seen with my parents, they ultimately reach a stage where they are able to take comfort in 'being this way'. When I was growing up, coming to terms with my adult-hood, and making peace with the knowledge that I will probably be taken advantage of because I am deciding to do the right thing wherever possible, I thought that at least all other people do what they think is right.

Now? Now I've learnt that people do what they want. Either just after or just before they've done it, they justify it to themselves as it being the right thing to do, if they think about it. But for the most part, they just do. And this is what pains me the most. The realisation that people are by and large thoughtless, and by being thoughtless, are excruciatingly hurtful. I used to feel that hurtfulness with thought was bad, bordering on unforgivable, but now I feel that thoughtless hurtfulness is much worse, because it is so much more common. Insensitivity is what it is, and unacceptable is what it should be.

Why am I ranting on and on about this? Because as an adult, I am witness to adult relationships. Marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, all of which work with thoughtfulness, communication and mutual respect, and all of which fail without.

Maybe I will be the intolerant parent who punishes my child more harshly when they do something without thought than when they do the wrong thing with thought. 'What were you thinking?' being my most favourite question and 'I wasn't', being an unacceptable response. But on further thought, I will be setting this poor child up to believe that the world is full of thoughtful human beings, who know, like and respect each other, and take trouble not to hurt those who love us.

Accepting that the world is not full of thoughtful human beings, being hurt because of it, feeling the pain of my friends and family, and choosing to be a thoughtful human being anyway ... this is me being an adult.

And for my friends who have been hurt by the thoughtlessness of their lovers, I apologise for these excuses for humans. From the depths of my heart, I am sorry that you had to bear this pain. 

Spicing it Up?

I mentioned some time ago that this year, somehow, my angst about sex in my relationship has waned. It's not like my desire has waned or my willingness, just my angst about SO and me has waned. It has puzzled me a bit and it turns out that I feel it's become a bit stale.

I don't think I will find the right words to express this, it's a complicated situation. I've changed in some ways, what I enjoy has changed, but he doesn't see it. I've also changed in why I want sex, or more importantly, why I don't want it. I want intimacy. I want to be completely touched. I want it to be like when it's all new, when two people are discovering each other, when knees and elbows are new and surprising, when you don't know what tickles and what titillates , what calms and what teases... I guess I want to be loved.

That's not to say that SO doesn't love me, I've never been more sure that he does. I guess it's just how he chooses to express it. He is much more sensitive towards me and accepting of my quirks regarding affection/demonstration.

Can I distill this down to a few basic points? Yes. Do I want to do anything about these basic points? I'm not sure. One of the 'issues' is that I'm not as active as I was a while ago, so my self confidence is down, and if I initiate and he rebuffs, I feel rotten. Something that I have stopped allowing myself to feel.

In the long run, is this a problem? I don't know. I'm mainly concerned about what will happen if another man shows interest in me. What I do know about myself is that I enjoy sex. I am not sure I want to write it out of my life altogether, but as with everything else in a marriage, it's a two person thing. And like everything else, we need to communicate about it. Given that my current topic of communication is children, I guess I can see why I'm not incented to bring this one up.