Personhood and relationships are fluid concepts. I've been various people in my life and I think I'm now at the stage where I'm happy with me. There are a few things I could do differently, mostly related to exercise and engaging with family, but I'm happy with the person I am most of the time. I also find that I've chilled out a lot in terms of expectations of other people and the world. I suppose the past few years have been all about learning that my opinions are mine alone, and not right or wrong. The way other people's opinions are theirs, and may have to do with me, but do not impact me, and are certainly not right or wrong for me.
I read a book yesterday, 'Absent in the Spring' by Mary Westmacott, which was a pseudonym that Agatha Christie used, to write novels. This is the story of a lady who got married and had three children, and took no trouble to understand either her husband or her children. Who did not learn what happiness meant and certainly did not support her husband or children in their quest for happiness. The husband is the sensitive person in the family, understanding and supporting his children, and where required, showing them the errors of their ways. I cannot recall whether he tried to explain anything to his wife, but it feels now like he did not. He assumed that she would understand when he said he was unhappy with his work. That she would understand how important it was for him, as a person, to be fulfilled with what he does most of the time. It was not remotely important for her, her life was about duty, and she did that admirably.
In the story, she has a 'revelation' of sorts, where she realises that she has been blind to the people in her life, and she understands that it is all the worse that she subjected them to this because she actually loves them. If she didn't, then one could understand the punishment, but to persecute the ones you love... is beyond cruel. The ending is completely believable, and the lead up to it is clear, moments of revelation are wonderful, what matters is what you do post that.
Why did I segue into this story? When we were going for counselling, one day the discussion was about SO and this 'wall' he has built to keep intimacy somewhat at bay. The wall was what disconcerted me, because I could never hurt him. That day, he understood and felt. There is one moment that stands out in my memory, when he looked at me and really, truly, felt. He felt love and remorse and I could see it. And then he decided that the wall was going to stay. It worked for him, and isn't that what matters?
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact, and it is a fact, that SO and I will not have children. Why? Because he cannot wrap his mind around not actually having them. By the time he wraps his mind around this, I will be too old to have them. I understand this, and it makes me sad. What I also realise is that having children is a serious expression of my personality. I know I will be good at this. My children will not always love me, but they will be secure, confident human beings and hopefully will understand that being kind and respectful to/of everything and everybody is the most important thing. I still talk of them as if they will exist, my children, because, though I understand that they will not exist, I have not yet fully accepted this.
I also realise what this means for SO and me. It means that he will lose me. The person that I could have been, will not exist. This is a choice I am making because the choice is between leaving SO and trying to achieve this person, the mother that I will be, or staying with the SO and not being a mother. And I have decided that the person I am, the person I want to remain, cannot do this. He is a good man, he just does not understand what this means to me. I can explain, I can rant, I can sob, but I cannot make him feel what I feel. And he does not do empathy like I do, so unless he feels, he cannot process this.
I also do not want to be a person who has an affair. I know this. So where does this leave me? Enjoying all the children I meet short term. I met my friend's boys last weekend and they are so wonderful it's awesome. I look forward to having my own relationship with them, quite separate from my friend and know it will be rich and rewarding.
So, I know where and who I am now. I also have a sense of 'us' currently, though it's a painful, thorny time for us, whether the SO knows this or not. I also will probably resent that he doesn't see what happens to me around children, how I focus on them, how I light up... and how he is being more than cruel because he actually loves me and he is doing this to me. And then he will do something else, like iron my clothes or buy me cupcakes and I'll know that we will be alright.
I read a book yesterday, 'Absent in the Spring' by Mary Westmacott, which was a pseudonym that Agatha Christie used, to write novels. This is the story of a lady who got married and had three children, and took no trouble to understand either her husband or her children. Who did not learn what happiness meant and certainly did not support her husband or children in their quest for happiness. The husband is the sensitive person in the family, understanding and supporting his children, and where required, showing them the errors of their ways. I cannot recall whether he tried to explain anything to his wife, but it feels now like he did not. He assumed that she would understand when he said he was unhappy with his work. That she would understand how important it was for him, as a person, to be fulfilled with what he does most of the time. It was not remotely important for her, her life was about duty, and she did that admirably.
In the story, she has a 'revelation' of sorts, where she realises that she has been blind to the people in her life, and she understands that it is all the worse that she subjected them to this because she actually loves them. If she didn't, then one could understand the punishment, but to persecute the ones you love... is beyond cruel. The ending is completely believable, and the lead up to it is clear, moments of revelation are wonderful, what matters is what you do post that.
Why did I segue into this story? When we were going for counselling, one day the discussion was about SO and this 'wall' he has built to keep intimacy somewhat at bay. The wall was what disconcerted me, because I could never hurt him. That day, he understood and felt. There is one moment that stands out in my memory, when he looked at me and really, truly, felt. He felt love and remorse and I could see it. And then he decided that the wall was going to stay. It worked for him, and isn't that what matters?
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact, and it is a fact, that SO and I will not have children. Why? Because he cannot wrap his mind around not actually having them. By the time he wraps his mind around this, I will be too old to have them. I understand this, and it makes me sad. What I also realise is that having children is a serious expression of my personality. I know I will be good at this. My children will not always love me, but they will be secure, confident human beings and hopefully will understand that being kind and respectful to/of everything and everybody is the most important thing. I still talk of them as if they will exist, my children, because, though I understand that they will not exist, I have not yet fully accepted this.
I also realise what this means for SO and me. It means that he will lose me. The person that I could have been, will not exist. This is a choice I am making because the choice is between leaving SO and trying to achieve this person, the mother that I will be, or staying with the SO and not being a mother. And I have decided that the person I am, the person I want to remain, cannot do this. He is a good man, he just does not understand what this means to me. I can explain, I can rant, I can sob, but I cannot make him feel what I feel. And he does not do empathy like I do, so unless he feels, he cannot process this.
I also do not want to be a person who has an affair. I know this. So where does this leave me? Enjoying all the children I meet short term. I met my friend's boys last weekend and they are so wonderful it's awesome. I look forward to having my own relationship with them, quite separate from my friend and know it will be rich and rewarding.
So, I know where and who I am now. I also have a sense of 'us' currently, though it's a painful, thorny time for us, whether the SO knows this or not. I also will probably resent that he doesn't see what happens to me around children, how I focus on them, how I light up... and how he is being more than cruel because he actually loves me and he is doing this to me. And then he will do something else, like iron my clothes or buy me cupcakes and I'll know that we will be alright.
1 comment:
Dearest Spicy Chai,
Here's to finding your balance/contentment and blis within your relationship.
Lots and lots of love
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