I mentioned some time ago that this year, somehow, my angst about sex in my relationship has waned. It's not like my desire has waned or my willingness, just my angst about SO and me has waned. It has puzzled me a bit and it turns out that I feel it's become a bit stale.
I don't think I will find the right words to express this, it's a complicated situation. I've changed in some ways, what I enjoy has changed, but he doesn't see it. I've also changed in why I want sex, or more importantly, why I don't want it. I want intimacy. I want to be completely touched. I want it to be like when it's all new, when two people are discovering each other, when knees and elbows are new and surprising, when you don't know what tickles and what titillates , what calms and what teases... I guess I want to be loved.
That's not to say that SO doesn't love me, I've never been more sure that he does. I guess it's just how he chooses to express it. He is much more sensitive towards me and accepting of my quirks regarding affection/demonstration.
Can I distill this down to a few basic points? Yes. Do I want to do anything about these basic points? I'm not sure. One of the 'issues' is that I'm not as active as I was a while ago, so my self confidence is down, and if I initiate and he rebuffs, I feel rotten. Something that I have stopped allowing myself to feel.
In the long run, is this a problem? I don't know. I'm mainly concerned about what will happen if another man shows interest in me. What I do know about myself is that I enjoy sex. I am not sure I want to write it out of my life altogether, but as with everything else in a marriage, it's a two person thing. And like everything else, we need to communicate about it. Given that my current topic of communication is children, I guess I can see why I'm not incented to bring this one up.
I don't think I will find the right words to express this, it's a complicated situation. I've changed in some ways, what I enjoy has changed, but he doesn't see it. I've also changed in why I want sex, or more importantly, why I don't want it. I want intimacy. I want to be completely touched. I want it to be like when it's all new, when two people are discovering each other, when knees and elbows are new and surprising, when you don't know what tickles and what titillates , what calms and what teases... I guess I want to be loved.
That's not to say that SO doesn't love me, I've never been more sure that he does. I guess it's just how he chooses to express it. He is much more sensitive towards me and accepting of my quirks regarding affection/demonstration.
Can I distill this down to a few basic points? Yes. Do I want to do anything about these basic points? I'm not sure. One of the 'issues' is that I'm not as active as I was a while ago, so my self confidence is down, and if I initiate and he rebuffs, I feel rotten. Something that I have stopped allowing myself to feel.
In the long run, is this a problem? I don't know. I'm mainly concerned about what will happen if another man shows interest in me. What I do know about myself is that I enjoy sex. I am not sure I want to write it out of my life altogether, but as with everything else in a marriage, it's a two person thing. And like everything else, we need to communicate about it. Given that my current topic of communication is children, I guess I can see why I'm not incented to bring this one up.
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