I want to shout at SO, tell him to leave me, because it feels like he does not want me. That he's being a dog in the manger... he's not going to treat me like I deserve, and he's not letting me go either.
But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?
Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.
Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.
One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.
Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.
I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.
I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.
