I watched Rockstar a while ago and was hopelessly confused. I didn't understand the purpose, I didn't understand what the characters were doing, didn't understand why a music company was sending artists to the Czech Republic... but I liked some of the songs very much.
I thought that I like Sufi music a lot, and in my stupidity, assumed that Kun Fayakun was a Sufi song. Finally today I decided to look it up. It may be, but the words are from the Quran and reflect that God is supreme, when God says 'be', it is.
I am trying to accept a few things these days, as God's will. I wish I could be as a thing, be because God decrees it, and not have to think about why/how/why me etc.
I have to remember that I can get there. When it is decreed to be, it is. As am I.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Dararein hai Maathe pe Maula
I appreciated the sentiment before, but now I'm a follower. I'm religious in a weird way. I believe in God, not religion. I'll pray to any God, any time, I thank God regularly, I try to do the right thing all the time, so I'm not offending God.
I'm not a perfect person, I don't think I will ever be one, but right now, my muqadar could use some marammat.
I'm not a perfect person, I don't think I will ever be one, but right now, my muqadar could use some marammat.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Baby Update
I've been working through my baby-related angst in real life, so didn't put too much on here, but that's beginning to change. My friend is not 25 weeks pregnant and it all seemed to be going swimmingly, but apparently we've hit a roadbump.
She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.
Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).
Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.
Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?
Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.
She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.
But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be find with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.
The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.
I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.
She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.
Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).
Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.
Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?
Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.
She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.
But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be find with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.
The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.
I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Loving Life
Yesterday was Valentine's Day, that wasn't surprising, it comes along every year. What I want to talk about though, is how I'm doing. Yesterday, I worked hard, did a lot of things, was pleased with progress. I did more work than I technically needed to, got a few small things out of the way as well (always pleasing).
Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.
It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.
Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.
It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
2012
I was chatting online and was asked if I believed the world was going to end in 2012. I'm not sure, but if it is going to end, I'd like more notice please? To find out in November that the world is actually going to end is not enough. Could I have a few more months notice? Like 6-8?
What would I do though... very difficult question. Why? Because I think I'd go completely selfish. I'd stop working, take out all my savings, divorce SO and travel the world. I might be more healthy as a result of the travel and maybe I'll attract more attention, maybe from a hot Spaniard...
What do I have to look forward to for 2012? Maybe a baby, a relationship that is... well, is, I guess. We're friends, we hug and sometimes kiss every day, the affection is warm, but no passion. In short, no sex. No sex in 2012 yet and since I've decided not to push it... maybe no sex at all?
What would I do though... very difficult question. Why? Because I think I'd go completely selfish. I'd stop working, take out all my savings, divorce SO and travel the world. I might be more healthy as a result of the travel and maybe I'll attract more attention, maybe from a hot Spaniard...
What do I have to look forward to for 2012? Maybe a baby, a relationship that is... well, is, I guess. We're friends, we hug and sometimes kiss every day, the affection is warm, but no passion. In short, no sex. No sex in 2012 yet and since I've decided not to push it... maybe no sex at all?
Friday, December 30, 2011
What is Wrong with Me?
I want to shout at SO, tell him to leave me, because it feels like he does not want me. That he's being a dog in the manger... he's not going to treat me like I deserve, and he's not letting me go either.
But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?
Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.
Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.
One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.
Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.
I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.
I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.
But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?
Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.
Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.
One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.
Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.
I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.
I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
...
So much to say and so little to say.
So far, we are all progressing on the assumption that it will end the way we planned. The baby will be born and s/he will come home with us. Yesterday though, I discovered how hard this is for my friend.
Her parents are against the idea, and her in-laws, who seemed supportive, are also against it. So much that they are actively trying to change her mind. She is... conflicted and really doesn't need this additional stress. Could they bring up a second child? Sure! Do they want to? Not really. Can they be bullied into it? Probably.
I want to help her, I want her to feel free to change her mind if it means that all the relationships that she has to manage will be more harmonious. I want her to be happy, but I also want the baby that I've begun thinking of as my child.
It makes it slightly hard for me to be completely supportive and sympathetic to her, but I know I have to be. I know I have to tell her again, formally, that she should feel free to change her mind if she feels like. That I know that she will not do so lightly, but that she must not feel that she owes us anything and the only thing we care about is what is best for the child.
It's been slowly poisoning me, but SO's been great about it and reading it now, it makes sense. Focus on doing what is right for the child, and give her the freedom to do what she needs to without guilt.
So far, we are all progressing on the assumption that it will end the way we planned. The baby will be born and s/he will come home with us. Yesterday though, I discovered how hard this is for my friend.
Her parents are against the idea, and her in-laws, who seemed supportive, are also against it. So much that they are actively trying to change her mind. She is... conflicted and really doesn't need this additional stress. Could they bring up a second child? Sure! Do they want to? Not really. Can they be bullied into it? Probably.
I want to help her, I want her to feel free to change her mind if it means that all the relationships that she has to manage will be more harmonious. I want her to be happy, but I also want the baby that I've begun thinking of as my child.
It makes it slightly hard for me to be completely supportive and sympathetic to her, but I know I have to be. I know I have to tell her again, formally, that she should feel free to change her mind if she feels like. That I know that she will not do so lightly, but that she must not feel that she owes us anything and the only thing we care about is what is best for the child.
It's been slowly poisoning me, but SO's been great about it and reading it now, it makes sense. Focus on doing what is right for the child, and give her the freedom to do what she needs to without guilt.
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