I appreciated the sentiment before, but now I'm a follower. I'm religious in a weird way. I believe in God, not religion. I'll pray to any God, any time, I thank God regularly, I try to do the right thing all the time, so I'm not offending God.
I'm not a perfect person, I don't think I will ever be one, but right now, my muqadar could use some marammat.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Baby Update
I've been working through my baby-related angst in real life, so didn't put too much on here, but that's beginning to change. My friend is now 25 weeks pregnant and it all seemed to be going swimmingly, but apparently we've hit a roadbump.
She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.
Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).
Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.
Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?
Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.
She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.
But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be fine with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.
The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.
I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.
She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.
Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).
Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.
Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?
Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.
She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.
But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be fine with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.
The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.
I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Loving Life
Yesterday was Valentine's Day, that wasn't surprising, it comes along every year. What I want to talk about though, is how I'm doing. Yesterday, I worked hard, did a lot of things, was pleased with progress. I did more work than I technically needed to, got a few small things out of the way as well (always pleasing).
Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.
It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.
Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.
It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.
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