See, when I was younger, I couldn't wait for this time. When I was the boss, when nobody could tell me what to do. I knew it was going to be better, how could it not? I would be in charge, I would be the boss of me! What I did not know in my still childish innocence, is the pain that comes with being an adult.
What is this pain I speak of? The pain of knowing that people are. When you are a child, you are told that you have to try, try to study harder, to overcome your meaner impulses, to be kinder, to be more patient, the never-ending list of self-betterment. Every child is told this, and most try. Some adults continue to try, but as I've seen with my parents, they ultimately reach a stage where they are able to take comfort in 'being this way'. When I was growing up, coming to terms with my adult-hood, and making peace with the knowledge that I will probably be taken advantage of because I am deciding to do the right thing wherever possible, I thought that at least all other people do what they think is right.
Now? Now I've learnt that people do what they want. Either just after or just before they've done it, they justify it to themselves as it being the right thing to do, if they think about it. But for the most part, they just do. And this is what pains me the most. The realisation that people are by and large thoughtless, and by being thoughtless, are excruciatingly hurtful. I used to feel that hurtfulness with thought was bad, bordering on unforgivable, but now I feel that thoughtless hurtfulness is much worse, because it is so much more common. Insensitivity is what it is, and unacceptable is what it should be.
Why am I ranting on and on about this? Because as an adult, I am witness to adult relationships. Marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, all of which work with thoughtfulness, communication and mutual respect, and all of which fail without.
Maybe I will be the intolerant parent who punishes my child more harshly when they do something without thought than when they do the wrong thing with thought. 'What were you thinking?' being my most favourite question and 'I wasn't', being an unacceptable response. But on further thought, I will be setting this poor child up to believe that the world is full of thoughtful human beings, who know, like and respect each other, and take trouble not to hurt those who love us.
Accepting that the world is not full of thoughtful human beings, being hurt because of it, feeling the pain of my friends and family, and choosing to be a thoughtful human being anyway ... this is me being an adult.
And for my friends who have been hurt by the thoughtlessness of their lovers, I apologise for these excuses for humans. From the depths of my heart, I am sorry that you had to bear this pain.
What is this pain I speak of? The pain of knowing that people are. When you are a child, you are told that you have to try, try to study harder, to overcome your meaner impulses, to be kinder, to be more patient, the never-ending list of self-betterment. Every child is told this, and most try. Some adults continue to try, but as I've seen with my parents, they ultimately reach a stage where they are able to take comfort in 'being this way'. When I was growing up, coming to terms with my adult-hood, and making peace with the knowledge that I will probably be taken advantage of because I am deciding to do the right thing wherever possible, I thought that at least all other people do what they think is right.
Now? Now I've learnt that people do what they want. Either just after or just before they've done it, they justify it to themselves as it being the right thing to do, if they think about it. But for the most part, they just do. And this is what pains me the most. The realisation that people are by and large thoughtless, and by being thoughtless, are excruciatingly hurtful. I used to feel that hurtfulness with thought was bad, bordering on unforgivable, but now I feel that thoughtless hurtfulness is much worse, because it is so much more common. Insensitivity is what it is, and unacceptable is what it should be.
Why am I ranting on and on about this? Because as an adult, I am witness to adult relationships. Marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, all of which work with thoughtfulness, communication and mutual respect, and all of which fail without.
Maybe I will be the intolerant parent who punishes my child more harshly when they do something without thought than when they do the wrong thing with thought. 'What were you thinking?' being my most favourite question and 'I wasn't', being an unacceptable response. But on further thought, I will be setting this poor child up to believe that the world is full of thoughtful human beings, who know, like and respect each other, and take trouble not to hurt those who love us.
Accepting that the world is not full of thoughtful human beings, being hurt because of it, feeling the pain of my friends and family, and choosing to be a thoughtful human being anyway ... this is me being an adult.
And for my friends who have been hurt by the thoughtlessness of their lovers, I apologise for these excuses for humans. From the depths of my heart, I am sorry that you had to bear this pain.
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