The year is progressing at the speed that years seem to have taken on. Days swish past me, beginning, continuing and ending, months melding into each other, one thing after another to be dealt with. Leaving me able to ignore what is happening inside me. Happening is probably the wrong word, making it sound like it is outside my control or volition.
SO and I went back into therapy in November, where the main point I had was that I felt invisible in this relationship. Nothing that I want appears to happen, and he keeps shutting me out. Like he did not know how to share of himself. That has changed somewhat. He went for therapy himself, he now knows how to share, how to interact with other people and even be social, which is quite a change. Things are better, but still far from ideal.
The therapist now wants to meet me, as she's ready to believe that he's fine. That he has progressed and what remains to be seen is if I am fine. And I'm not fine. Superficially, I'm fine. But scratch that surface and I'm a blubbering mess, not willing to look at my life the way it is now, not wanting this to be the rest of my life.
Why is that? Because this is not the life I wanted for myself. I wanted children, I wanted family. Children seems an impossibility, and I'm coming to terms with that. SO... may wind up being all the family I have. It's not a bad existence, I can come to terms with this. In coming to terms with this, I have to grieve for the life I wanted and will not have.
The other part is, that life with the SO will also be ... difficult. It feels like I will have to fight very hard to be able to do what I want to make my life fulfilling. It feels like he does not understand what supporting me means or feels like. And it feels like I have done nothing but support him. So I continue to feel very let-down, and not very optimistic about this relationship and my future.
On the plus side, I'm much more into biking, and earning a different kind of respect there. Which has made me consider options in that space, which I had never thought of before. Which may be differently fulfilling, and may encourage me to keep working for a large organization, but it's so much 'on my own' that I feel very very tired.
SO and I went back into therapy in November, where the main point I had was that I felt invisible in this relationship. Nothing that I want appears to happen, and he keeps shutting me out. Like he did not know how to share of himself. That has changed somewhat. He went for therapy himself, he now knows how to share, how to interact with other people and even be social, which is quite a change. Things are better, but still far from ideal.
The therapist now wants to meet me, as she's ready to believe that he's fine. That he has progressed and what remains to be seen is if I am fine. And I'm not fine. Superficially, I'm fine. But scratch that surface and I'm a blubbering mess, not willing to look at my life the way it is now, not wanting this to be the rest of my life.
Why is that? Because this is not the life I wanted for myself. I wanted children, I wanted family. Children seems an impossibility, and I'm coming to terms with that. SO... may wind up being all the family I have. It's not a bad existence, I can come to terms with this. In coming to terms with this, I have to grieve for the life I wanted and will not have.
The other part is, that life with the SO will also be ... difficult. It feels like I will have to fight very hard to be able to do what I want to make my life fulfilling. It feels like he does not understand what supporting me means or feels like. And it feels like I have done nothing but support him. So I continue to feel very let-down, and not very optimistic about this relationship and my future.
On the plus side, I'm much more into biking, and earning a different kind of respect there. Which has made me consider options in that space, which I had never thought of before. Which may be differently fulfilling, and may encourage me to keep working for a large organization, but it's so much 'on my own' that I feel very very tired.
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