Interestingly, I can trace all my views on abortion back to a single statement from a lady doctor, who had come to my school to teach us about sex. She showed us a picture of a foetus at 4 weeks or so. She asked us how a woman knows she's pregnant. One answered "When she starts vomitting". Thanks to all hindi movies. True enough, but the first sign, she informs us, is a missed period.
Then she shows us this picture, little baby, hands forming, big head, marks for eyes and nose and stuff, and asks us what we're thinking. Then she says "Are you thinking that you look so human, and your mother doesn't even know you exist yet?" From that moment, I knew what to think. I had other conversations with myself about bodies and souls and when a soul enters a body, when life begins etc. But that was always at the heart of it. Once the foetus is formed - whether it carries to term or not, it is alive. It is a human being.
This all has some special meaning now. I've been trying to get healthier, and want to have a child quite badly. I've missed my July period quite comprehensively, but am not at all sure whether it's just the residual PCOS angst. I was regular for 2 months before this, but 2 months is not enough right? I'm waiting for another week before I take a test. I'm also a bit of a mess. I'm still me, I'm quite excited about being pregnant (if I am) but I'm a bit of a mess. I'm over aggressive and over weepy. I'm not sure at all that I'm pregnant, but there is a chance. It's a scary chance too :)
I wish there was an easy way to tell - like the little toe on my left foot would twitch uncontrollably and then I could be sure. The thing is, with the tests - you've got to wait for a long time to be sure. The initial tests may be negative, and then it may be positive... Or it may actually be negative. So how long do you wait? How long do you decide to keep non-alcoholic... How much exercise is acceptable?
In short, am I pregnant or ill?
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