Didn't realise it had been 2 months! Have these months been specifically busy? Probably not, but they have been confusing. I'm going to be quite chaotic, once again lulled into a sense of security by the lack of readership.
One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.
Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.
In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.
It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.
I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.
I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?
I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.
If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.
While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.
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