I'm still navigating through my own minefields, trying not to create craters or trip wires, and trying hard not to pre-judge where SO and I will end up. This morning, I was attacked by a deep sadness. I was struck by this sadness because my past has always led me to believe that there will be a reward for me in this life time.
When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.
That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.
I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.
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