So... with work, I have the opportunity to do an 'internship' and I'm doing it. 3 months in Washington DC, of which one month is nearly up. When I thought about this time to myself, before I came, I looked at it as this cathartic time of aloneness. Possibly even a time of anonymity, when my daydreams might come true, and my worst night mares would fade away.
In this month, the only thing that has happened is an increasing understanding that I am not happy. That I'm doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, waiting for someone to give me an award. Someone to say 'you've been so good! Here's your prize!'. And the prize would be fabulous. Then I realised that it will never happen. I get only this life, to live as I choose. And if I choose to life it doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, that's fine. It's my choice, but I cannot hold that choice against anybody else. In short, if nobody ever gives me an award, would I continue to do what I'm doing?
With most of my life, yes, I would. I'd continue being the kind of daughter I am, probably the kind of sister I am, and friend I am. I wouldn't change the way I work much either (not winning any awards there anyway). But in this relationship with SO... the 'children' question comes up again.
Can I live without children, yes, I can, but then I'd need SO to be a very different person in terms of how he relates to me. He's a great guy, but he's not good for my female soul. He's been a great friend and is smart and funny, and cares enough to tell me when I'm wrong, but he doesn't help the 'woman' in me much. He's honest to a fault with me, so has repeatedly told me that I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't claim to be, but I'd like to feel once in a while, that for him, I am. There are occasions when he's called me beautiful (which I clearly will always remember). The woman in me wants to be cuddled and spoiled, and taken care of, and he does very little of that. Maybe he doesn't know how. I'd like to think I've tried to teach him how, but maybe I haven't. Anwyay... I guess I'm feeling that I've been 'good' and have not yet got my award. And there's a chance that without children, I'll never get an award.
So I put this out there. And given that we're in different time zones, one of us is asleep during the other's day. Which means, as much as I'm afraid that he'll say 'I am what I am', I'm going to stay this course. Every time in the past, that I can remember pushing an issue, I've backed down at the fear of losing him. This time, though I'm afraid, I guess it's a watershed. I need to know, I need resolution.
As much as this is hurting me, and as much as I hate hurting him, I'm far enough away that I can wait for it to play out. I am sorry though, and very very sad.
In this month, the only thing that has happened is an increasing understanding that I am not happy. That I'm doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, waiting for someone to give me an award. Someone to say 'you've been so good! Here's your prize!'. And the prize would be fabulous. Then I realised that it will never happen. I get only this life, to live as I choose. And if I choose to life it doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, that's fine. It's my choice, but I cannot hold that choice against anybody else. In short, if nobody ever gives me an award, would I continue to do what I'm doing?
With most of my life, yes, I would. I'd continue being the kind of daughter I am, probably the kind of sister I am, and friend I am. I wouldn't change the way I work much either (not winning any awards there anyway). But in this relationship with SO... the 'children' question comes up again.
Can I live without children, yes, I can, but then I'd need SO to be a very different person in terms of how he relates to me. He's a great guy, but he's not good for my female soul. He's been a great friend and is smart and funny, and cares enough to tell me when I'm wrong, but he doesn't help the 'woman' in me much. He's honest to a fault with me, so has repeatedly told me that I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't claim to be, but I'd like to feel once in a while, that for him, I am. There are occasions when he's called me beautiful (which I clearly will always remember). The woman in me wants to be cuddled and spoiled, and taken care of, and he does very little of that. Maybe he doesn't know how. I'd like to think I've tried to teach him how, but maybe I haven't. Anwyay... I guess I'm feeling that I've been 'good' and have not yet got my award. And there's a chance that without children, I'll never get an award.
So I put this out there. And given that we're in different time zones, one of us is asleep during the other's day. Which means, as much as I'm afraid that he'll say 'I am what I am', I'm going to stay this course. Every time in the past, that I can remember pushing an issue, I've backed down at the fear of losing him. This time, though I'm afraid, I guess it's a watershed. I need to know, I need resolution.
As much as this is hurting me, and as much as I hate hurting him, I'm far enough away that I can wait for it to play out. I am sorry though, and very very sad.
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