Counselling

Tomorrow, we go for our first counselling session. I've never been, and when things with SO are going well, I see no need. We actually talk to each other, have fun in each other's company, are nice to each other, show respect etc. And then one or the other of us makes the mistake of bringing up children, or sex, or travel or one of the many hot button issues, and it all falls apart from there. On days when we're both relaxed and willing to try to keep tempers in check, we find some way around this, but it's killing me at some level to have to avoid topics and things.

What's killing me the most is that I'm going to be 35 and I've spent 11 years with this man. If he's not able to see a future for us that's at least related to what I see, then I'll probably want out (will take a few months to figure that out). By then, I'll be even older, and my chances at finding happiness and maybe a family with someone else will be very low.

Do I want to leave him? No, not really. I do love him, I enjoy his company, but it's hard to get his company and though it's been better in the last 2 months, the lack of sex was also very difficult to deal with. I don't want to have to beg for conversation and affection in my marriage, I believe it should be a part of the package.

However, I also believe that SO can't give me these things easily. For him, it's a real effort to engage with someone else, even if that someone is me. And I'm tired of forcing him to engage.

I don't know what we'll get out of tomorrow's session, but I suppose it's a good start.