My Own Fallibility

I know that I'm only human and I make mistakes, yet each time I do, I'm scared solid. When I say solid, I mean frozen. I panic, I shut down, I shout at myself wondering how I could have been so stupid etc.

Now the challenge is, these are mistakes that cost somebody something, right? If they only thing they cost is me to lose face, I'm fine with that. I can go back and be shouted at and explain that I personally made a mistake, that's all fine.

I know I'm not alone in this, and I hope I will never make a mistake that ends my career, but how do you prevent making the rather large ones? At present, there's enough and more blame to go around but some of it is rightfully mine. And I care about having it fixed. Unfortunately, we cannot have it fixed, because to do so would need the other side to be 'gracious', something that they're not inclined to be. And may never be inclined to be.

I'm concerned, and nervous, but apparently I'm not alone in this. Google has 32 Million results for 'leaning to cope with making mistakes'. More importantly, I have to remember that the voice that shouts at me, is not my conscience, it is my ego.

My conscience is clear, I missed this thing, but I did a lot, I covered a lot, I took care. Maybe someone else would not have missed this, but I did. And hopefully, I never will again.

Gran Torino

My introduction to Clint Eastwood was through Spaghetti Westerns. My brother loved those movies and I watched as younger siblings are wont to do. I didn't 'feel' much for him because he was the 'man's man'. Then he grew older and I grew up. I didn't watch several movies of his, but eventually I saw Million Dollar Baby. And then about two months ago I saw Gran Torino.

When I saw Million Dollar Baby, though I loved the movie muchly, I hated the end. Hated it because that's not the way we want to see our heroes go. Because I'm romantic at heart and believe strongly that every end must be happy. I hung on to this 'displeasure' for many years. Till I saw Gran Torino. Another unhappy ending... but not quite. I guess both of them are actually happy endings in their own way.

Gran Torino specifically is one of the most happy movies I've seen. A man who's lived his life, has no relationship with his family, but is a man. A person who can see right from wrong, and is on the side of right. Uncompromisingly. It doesn't matter that other people think he's crazy and that the people he's supporting aren't like him, they're supported because they are right.

I'd like to believe that that was what was right with the USA. It had a reputation of being one of the few places in the world where merit matters. Where what's right is right and there's no two ways about it.

http://www.life.com/image/50375673/in-gallery/35762/sexiest-men-of-the-50s-60s-70s

I love Randall Munroe

Let me just state, in case I never do otherwise. I love him! He's a math nerd and has worked with Nasa, I'm an averagely intelligent human being who's many miles away. I will probably never meet him, and if I do, I'll probably make a gigantic fool of myself, but nevertheless, I love Randall Munroe.

This India That India

I spent a good amount of time reading a series of comments triggered by a post about Chennai. I'm not from Chennai but have a few million relatives there. I spent many summers of my childhood there in a conservative family so have very limited happy memories. But I love the beach. And Chennai to me, is like any other city in the world. It has its up-sides and its down-sides.

But this post is not about Chennai. It's about whether there is indeed a cultural difference between people from one part of India and another. When I was younger, I went to a sort of elite college. It's now much more elite than it was then (but that's a different post), and even back then, we had people from all over India. My friends to date, are not all from a single place. Some of us speak Hindi fluently and still get made fun of, and some of us speak Hindi badly despite having lived in Delhi for years. Is that even an issue? A cousin of mine is married to a girl who grew up in Chennai though her family is from North India. She is so fond of Chennai that she actually loves the weather! I guess one could safely call her a Chennai-ite.

Of late though, in my professional life, I've run into many people from other parts of India. And I've had to resist the temptation to brand/stereotype. I don't believe it's cultural, but I do see a tendency for people from Delhi to try to beat the system. This has taken on a slightly personal tone for me, one that I'm grappling with.

A colleague of mine is from Delhi. We didn't have much interaction due to work, but we began hanging out because the women in my office are few and far between. She's sweet, dil-se. But she's very... brash, full of herself and willing to do jugaad. And I no longer respect her. She's been very sweet, said I've made her respect Tamilians more, understand Tamilians more, she's bought me gifts for no reason... and I don't want to speak to her any more. And when I don't want to speak to someone I become snarky. I've had to watch myself, because she's a nice person, but it's getting harder. I felt especially offended when she proudly announced that the highlight of a shopping trip was gypping a parking attendant of some amount, by pretending that she'd just come out of the shop that maintains the parking. This is mainly because I've been wrongly accused of the same and been all righteously indignant, but how does one fault a parking attendant? He can't keep track, and she knew that what she was doing was against the rules. Yet she did, not just unrepentantly, but proudly.

This is what I see growing, an attitude that 'getting what you want' matters more than abiding by rules/norms etc. And that is the India that I abhor.

I Hurt!

I dind't want to come to work today cause I had a bit of a mishap on Friday. I realised that I'd missed something and it caused some ripples. It's all been smoothed over, mainly because there's a lot at stake here, but I woke up this morning, severely depressed about work. The thing is, that I missed some little stuff, and some big stuff. Overall, it was something that I thought was going well, but at the end of it, I'm totally depressed! It's not turned out the way we needed though the people I've worked with on it are sort of ok with it.

In general, my enthusiasm for work is zero today and I'm just afraid. I usually get like this after making mistakes at work. Afraid to do anything for a while in case I get something wrong. I mostly know that I won't get the day to day stuff wrong, but the fear is still quite crippling. I could have chosen to work from home, but didn't because I thought I should come to the office - for the soothing company of other people. Except, there's nothing soothing about it at all. There are many people, all of whom are busy, so there's a lot of noise. I'm feeling very jumpy, overwhelmed.

Added to this is that SO returns in the middle of the night today. I've missed him terribly, but this trip has been awful in terms of communication. We've spoken maybe 10 times through the trip and exchanged very brief emails. It may be that the trip itself was short and though I was at home, there was stuff going on, but I'm slightly pissed. Probably exacerbated by excessive stress at work, leaving me feeling very alone.

Oddly, work has been very 'rewarding' with great news on bonus and awards... I guess I've been working very hard without realising it, and now it's catching up with me.

Mother-in-law-hood

The last post, though titled Motherhood, was triggered by a post by a mother-in-law, and for some time I've been wanting to write about in-laws. I know I've written a lot of stuff about this complicated relationship, but there's currently a little more.

Maybe there's no more, just that I want to understand a little more about what this relationship is to me. I'm a daughter who grew up in a cosmopolitan city with a liberal mother. I learnt to have opinions and speak my mind. I also have modified my relationship with my family to the level where I'm comfortable with it. As selfish as that is, what it means is that I get to interact with my parents on my terms. I meet them somewhat often, but I speak to them at length at least once a week. I also ensure that when I speak to them I'm as patient and tolerant as I can be. I also share and answer as much as I can. I make this statement because my parents, in an attempt to feel connected to me and my life, want to know how so-and-so is doing, how their children are etc., but usually forget what I say. Or I just don't want to tell them because it's none of their business or something. With advancing age, I do have a little more patience with my parents. And they've been my parents my entire life.

Which brings me to my in-laws. They've been SO's parents all his life, but their relationship with me has been... patchy :) I won't repeat what I saw as slights, but there were a few. Added to that are personalities. It took me from adolescence to real adulthood (late 20s) to come to terms with my parents personalities. Probably the time it took for me to stop seeing them as rulers who knew all the answers, and get to know them as people. Which I do now. I'm not sure I know my in-laws as people yet, but that's growing a bit. I've spent a little more time with them this year, and before the year is out, would have spent a little more time. Incremental growth is better than none at all I guess?

I guess the issue with both parents and in-laws is the same. You may not like the personality, but they're yours for life. With parents, you've had your whole life to learn and adapt/adopt. With in-laws, it's incremental. Also, I'm trying to understand what the rules are. With my parents, I've felt free to tell them when I don't like something they've said or done, for the past 5 or so years. I'm nice about it, I try to use humour and sensitivity, sometimes I fail, but I try. With in-laws, I don't yet have that relationship... what if I never do?

As with everything I do, let me try and flip this around. Say I have a son who gets married and his wife is not enamoured with stuff that I do. How would I like it handled? I'd like to believe that I'll have a close and honest relationship with my children, but realistically, that kind of relationship will only exist when they're adults. So if I do turn out to have the average, speak to you once a week relationship with my son, I'm guessing it won't be closer with his wife. In which case, I would probably appreciate it most if she said nothing at all, unless whatever it was, was driving her so insane that just telling my son is not enough.

Which means that it's the son's lot to be a buffer, whether he likes it or not. I try not to make SO that and encourage all my friends to vent with their girlfriends, rather than with their husbands, because it's rather cruel. The man may understand, may even sympathize, but can't do anything at all. And if the venting is regular and even slightly justified, he feels worse and worse.

How did it work before do you think? Did joint family daughters-in-law get together and discuss how things were different in this one? How people have their quirks and the best way to handle them? From serials and stories, it kind of appears that the mothers-in-law were cruel and the daughters-in-law bore whatever was meted out. Sons and husbands don't feature, or if they do, it's as mute and tortured spectators. Maybe there is some truth to the whole 'syndrome' and I'm being ambitious in thinking I have a solution.

Though I do think I have a solution, it's called mutual respect.

Motherhood

I make no secrets about wanting to be a parent. I often wonder about what kind of parent I'd be and now that I have the opportunity of being around children, I think I'd be decent. But then, I get to leave them at some point. Maybe I'll be different if I've to be around them 24x7. Today I was reading a blog written by a lady who's 51 and has a 27 year old son. She put up a post when he got married, about how her role as a 'mother' is now done and she's retired. While I totally appreciate the sentiment, that she's ready to let him move forward with his own life, I'm not sure if I believe it.

I guess part of the not believing it is because my parents are still very firmly, my parents. Just as my grandmom still believes she knows better than her children, though she doesn't say anything. I'm sure I'll be the same, will always believe I know better, but hopefully will be able to keep my counsel. I've told my parents repeatedly that at some point, they've to trust they've done a good job, and let go. I think the parents that can do that have great relationships with their children. It's a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Where everybody knows that they're only opinions, everybody has them, and each person is as right or wrong as the other. The future may prove that one opinion had some advantages, but that's pretty much it.

I'm guilty of this myself. Believing I know better than others. Sometimes I do :) But most of the time it's just my opinion, and right now, I can see that.

Hopefully, if I ever become a parent, I'll continue to remember that. Everybody will have opinions, ways they've done something, ways their family did stuff for generations, and I'll have opinions. And one day, my child will grow up and form his/her own opinions. And I want to remember to let that happen, even when I hate those opinions.

Baby

When I was in my mid or late teens, I figured I wanted to have children. I think I've always known that I've enough common sense to be a normal parent. Added to that I had a dog around the same time, which is very much like having a very young child. A child that you can scare and scold but not one you can reason with. I still miss my dog greatly. But in addition, I'm now feeling these very strong maternal pangs. Biological clock, or whatever it is... it's causing me some grief.

So, in addition to feeling these pangs, SO and I are trying. I think we're both at the stage as well where we'd be able to handle parenthood and keep it together as people and a couple. But life/fate/God has other plans. I know a few folks who got pregnant at first try. I know others who didn't for a year, adopted a child, and now (2 years later) are pregnant. I also know that I have PCOS. I try to keep the weight under control but I'm a good amount overweight. I know that I should reduce weight, but I'm lazy and am averse to Gyms.

With all this, the trauma I'm facing is that I feel like a failure. Just, an outright failure for my body not doing what it is designed to do. I have my periods and stuff, but no pregnancy! Unfair I say, how can I have the downside without the upside? With modern technology and medicine, it's now possible to buy ovulation predictor kits so you can tell at home (without medical intervention) whether everything's working as it ought to. The answer to that question is remarkably painful for me. At a purely logical level, I know it's not the end of the world. If things aren't working as they ought to, I go to a doctor and ask if anything can be done without surgery or other medical intervention (and when they say 'lose weight' I'll turn a deaf ear). If the answer is probably not, then so be it.

I'd love to believe that I can live with 'so be it' but I know that I cannot. I know that 'so be it' will turn into adoption or having dogs or something... maybe plants?

Music and Lyrics

SO's travelling and over the weekend, I did stuff that he does when I'm away. I bought a ton of music and put it into iTunes and the iPod. As much as I love music, I don't listen to it constantly. I usually have a song running in my head and I love listening to the radio, because I like hearing songs unexpectedly. However, with new music, I'm more than happy to listen to it in order.

Oddly, I rarely buy music without having heard it first. I buy stuff that I like, as opposed to the SO and several other people who buy stuff to figure out whether they like it or not. This time, I bought a Kailash Kher CD with songs that I've not heard before. I love Kailash Kher's voice and though I hadn't heard these songs specifically, I figured it would be ok. After I put it on iTunes, I listened to it and wasn't very blown away. Then I listened to it on the iPod. I think there's something about this kind of music that absolutely requires close hearing. Kailesh Kher's voice in my head is a very different experience. And his team is also quite brilliant - Paresh and Naresh Kamath. The music is great, the singing is great, what more can one ask for? Lyrics you say? Also good!

Editted to Add: And after listening to music through the day (and being more productive as I don't surf mindlessly instead) I realised why I don't listen to music while I work. I usually feel like singing along. I can carry a tune, but I'm sure my office doesn't want to hear 'em!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our second anniversary! Last week we were on vacation with SO's parents and as SO's cousin was getting engaged in our city, they came here and stayed with us a couple of days. I learnt a lot of things about myself over the past week. That could be what this post is about, but only after I do some wishing.

The last post rambles a bit about the wedding, but not about the marriage. I want to say this about the marriage. I'm very happy in it. I'm now at a point where I love my husband very much, am very secure in his love and caring for/of me and enjoy our time and space together. I'm not sure what it is, but in the past year or so we've grown very close. Not necessarily in a mush way, but in the way that we want to share some stuff only with each other. That we are a little more sure of who the other person is and more secure in our comfort with each other. We've fought a lot less, undoubtedly because we're learning what the small stuff is that's not worth hurting each other over. And while I say we, I may just mean me :) Even if this is all just me, I'm really glad I'm at this place, and I'm going to try and remain here for a good amount of time.

I also realised that I'm an utter bitch! We live in the same city as my parents so SO's interactions with my folks are much more frequent than my interactions with his folks (though we speak on the phone weekly). Spending even 2-3 hours a months with someone is way different! I found a lot to make fun of, and when I was with SO, I didn't restrain myself! I think it irked him, if not outrightly upset him. I did apologise, but I know I've to watch myself.

This vacation wasn't the best. For one, I wasn't very keen on going as I'd just been on vacation in June (which was brilliant) and knew when I come back there will be a lot of stuff to take back. For another, SO's not the chatty sort, where his brother is. The last time we did a family vacation, SO's brother was there so I could relax a bit. For a third, the last family vacation did not include many temples (I'm not into organized religion).

Having said that, the engagement was brilliant. I find that I'm actually quite a part of this family. I know the people, I'm able to talk to them about stuff. I know the cousin will enough to give her moral support a bit. I was able to keep a couple of grandmothers entertained. It was work, but about as much as I do for the family I was born into. There are 2 weddings in SO's family and I realise that I'll be able to participate in those, the same way that I participate in weddings in my birth family. It's quite relieving.

Interestingly, SO's family and I don't speak the same language, but over the past 2 years, my comprehension skills have improved greatly. I'm still learning new words, but for the most part I follow conversations fluently.

We had an entertaining conversation on what parents look for in a prospective husband for their girl. SO's mom's view is that the guy must be of 'clean habits' and good character, as such a man will take good care of his wife. SO declared that he could be of both of these and still not take care of me, to which is parents replied that I don't need him to take care of me! :) I was rather entertained. I guess they also can see that I know my own mind and am well able to protect my interests.

What I didn't articulate is that for a spouse, that's not really enough. You need the sensitivity to know when your spouse is not comfortable with something your family is asking them to do, and the ability to head your family off. Alternately, you need to level with your spouse that you won't head them off, but you will sympathise and make it up in some other way. I think we're here. Both of us have this level of sensitivity and try to ensure the other person is as comfortable as possible in the circumstances.

Happy Anniversary dearest, and thank you.

Love and Marriage

They're linked they say. In some parts of the world, love comes before a marriage, in others it comes afterwards. But they're supposed to be linked.

I just read a post on not being accepted by your significant other's family and the author's view is that if that's the case, you should just move on. An interesting view. The author has actually married a man whose family did not accept her outright. 6 years later, there's still some tension there and it seems like she's saying that if she was smarter, she would have moved on.

I'm strangely conflicted by this. Possibly because I'm a romantic at heart and believe that love conquers all. If it doesn't, then picking one particular person over another means absolutely nothing. Or there's no reason why one person can lift your spirits by smiling.

Maybe this is where the rubber of romance meets the road of reality. The man I love put me through many a hoop to get married. I'm fairly certain that if asked, he'll swear he went through his own hoops as well. His family... has their views about me I'm sure, and I'm sure they had their apprehensions about me as well. I'd like to believe that their chief apprehension only was whether I'd make him happy. I'd also like to believe that I have that well in hand.

I'd like to say that that's all my folks cared about, but that's probably not true. It's one of the things they look for, but then how on earth would they know what makes me happy?

I'm a little communicative on this subject because SO's cousin is getting engaged in a week or so. She's found a guy on Shaadi.com, she knew him 2 weeks before the families met and now they're getting engaged, to be wed in December. The guy doesn't seem very EQ aware. She's very excited about the process of getting engaged and married. My M-i-L is also very excited. SO and I are a bit apprehensive.

I realised in conversations with the cousin, exactly what SO and his family have done for me. Maybe not 'done' in so much as not prevented. I've never had to worry about working after marriage, or what clothes I'll wear or whom I'll meet, how late I'll work, whether I'll travel etc. A lot of this could be because we're in a different city from the in-laws, but I believe a lot of this is because SO doesn't invite any comments on these issues. As a result, even if someone wants to say something, they know they won't find a receptive ear.

When we were dating, my parents knew and met SO. They wanted me to get married earlier, but they knew that was in the scheme of things. SO's folks knew about me and eventually met me. His father declared even before meeting me, that they would not have any objection to anyone he picked. I think that's the key difference. If his family was not that way, he would be a different person. I jumped a track there, because when I started this paragraph, it was to be about conversations SO and I had about whether I'd be accepted. He had no doubts that I would be. Whether I would be liked... well what's not to like ;)

I guess the point that author was trying to make is that prejudice like that (rejecting your child's significant other) is usually only prejudice. Nothing to do with the person himself or herself, more based on some random principle that suddenly becomes more important than the happiness of the child you loved and raised. Fascinating right? This one cuts both ways. If my principle is that my child should not date/marry a drug-addict because it's not safe? Sounds somewhat reasonable? If my principle is that my child should not marry someone from a different religion because the conflict will be too much?

I guess at some point, the real 'parent' sees that their job is done and lets the child make their own decisions. They realise that their influence has ended and let go, permitting the child to make their own mistakes and live their own lives. I'm very like both my parents in pre-disposition, but the person I am is different from them. My beliefs, my ideologies, all different. Influenced, but formed separately. The SO is also very much like this. Probably why we know that we'll be ok.

I guess this one has rambled on a bit. I'm not a parent, I don't know what it would be like for someone to refuse to give my child a chance, simply because s/he is from a different community. I assume I wouldn't like it. Would I insist that the relevant significant other lets go of their family? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I'd want some perspective on all sides, and some maturity.

If my child has that maturity, and their significant other has demonstrated this, I'd like to think I'd be comfortable with whatever decision they make. But what if they don't? Not like I'm trying to find an absolute answer here, just that I guess I've seen a lot of this.

My cousin married a man and divorced him because they were not suited. She's now remarried with 2 children and very happy I believe. The first marriage was not any longer in the making than the second. The first man was less cosmopolitan, I'll say that. Also, she had realised that she didn't love him before the marriage, but went ahead with it anyway. If I was asked honestly what I felt before the marriage, it was resentment, anger and angst.

2 years later, I still feel depressed when I think of my wedding day and the week thereafter. What SO and I have now is different. What we didn't have then is my trusting him and a truckload of brownie points that he's now earned. Am I less happy now? No, but could I have been happier then? For sure! Is that SO's fault or his family's fault? No. Could they have done something about it? I believe they could have. Weddings are stressful times without the bride being unsure of whether her husband will take care of her or not. I'm past that now and in retrospect, I can see stuff rather clearly.

I can see that my anger was mainly at SO not understanding what upset me. He will never understand, he may not be able to 'take care' of me in some ways, but he's more than taken care of me in others. And I'm strong/mature enough to take care of myself in the ways that he cannot. I guess it's the same for him with my folks.

Our current relationships with our respective in-laws, are built by us. His folks may not love me, or even like me sometimes, but that's because of who I am, not because I'm of a certain community/caste/region etc. And if someone is not willing to give me or my children that chance, would I give up on love? I'd like to say no. And if someone asks me what to do? I guess I'll say that love matters but love is not stupid or self-destructive. Which I now realise is exactly what that author was saying - just that in her non-selfdestructive state, she'd have let him go.

Is this the answer?

A child's education should begin at least one hundred years before he is born. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)

Instinctively, I want to agree with this comment. Then I realise how unfair it is. This means that those with access to education will always be better off than those without. Well, for at least 2 generations at any rate. Which means that for India, if we can ensure 100% availability of primary education, it will still take 100 years before all our citizens will be more equal than they are today.

Interestingly, if we look at the rest of the world, is this theory borne out? Maybe the issue is what 'education' means. So - schooling doesn't always mean education. As endless research about the US has shown, several of their citizens (who've completed basic schooling) can't identify several US states on the map and know very little about the rest of the world. Their attitudes to other people and other countries is also not the greatest. So then, what is education? And does schooling equate at all?

Too much to think about...

Praying for Patience

One thing I've learnt about myself is that I do not tolerate incompetence at work. I become very curt, bordering on rude with people who do not do their job. In my defence, I give them a long rope, give them a lot of time to demonstrate their competence or otherwise. And once demonstrated, I find it hard to remain civil.

So I'm writing this post now, to drown out a few voices around me. Specifically the voice of one chap in a consulting role who self-confessedly doesn't do very cutting-edge work, but wants to do more. He has vision, but he has incomplete strategy. I think he doesn't listen very well. He hears what people are saying, but very rarely makes sense of it. I've worked with several people over the years and some of them are a joy to work with. They push you hard to be clear and consistent on what you're saying, but understand and supplement/complement. This is not one of those.

The intense irritation of a few seconds ago seems to have passed, so I was able to delete the vent that I had typed. I guess what really irritated me is that he was on a loud phone call, disregarding that there are other people around who probably have their own things to do. I've also grown a little intolerant of insensitive people. For instance, people who don't realise that their jokes aren't being appreciated and continue to make the smae jokes, again and again. Unfortnately, this chap is one of those as well.

I'll get used to it, I'll get used to having to think a lot more before I react... :) I'll grow up some more as well.

Mush

I've been reading several 'what my man has done for me' lists and thought I should do him some justice. I've vented several times about when he's let me down or not done what I wanted him to do or some such. Time to talk about what he does. Effortlessly.

I won't put down a list with numbers, because every day has something more/new. I think the biggest thing he does is to let me be me. He occasionally asks for things that I'm not completely comfortable with, but by and large, I don't have to watch what I say/eat/wear/cook/do. This is a great relief to me, but I guess I've known this all along. With SO, I get to have my own mind and opinions and even life. Of course, with this is the unconditional love. He may not like everything I say/eat/wear/do/cook, but he loves me anyway. I could argue that it's mutual, but that's not the point is it?

He takes care of me. In little ways, but still, much care. I only notice when he's not there that laundry piles up a lot and that I'm doing a lot more to keep the house clean and bills paid. He also does the little stuff, like buying things I like, only because I like them. The most recent of these was cocoa powder. He doesn't drink the stuff at all and in an attempt at frugality I bought Cadbury's. I much prefer the Hersheys, one box of Hershey's had gotten over and I didn't buy another because I had Cadbury's. He bought Hershey's and didn't tell me :) just so I'd be surprised when I drank milk one morning. It took me 3 weeks to find it, but turned to mush when I did.

He brings a lot of stability to 'us'. In my professional life, I come across as calm and unruffled. In my truly personal life, I'm not like that. I guess I've to work this one out. I don't lose it in times of crisis, but I'm not generally calm. I'm quick to anger and in my personal space, I'm vicious and take snap decisions. I've left shops because I wasn't served before someone else who came after me and stuff like that. SO's not like that, so when we're together, we wait a little longer before storming off. As a result, I'm a lot nicer and a lot less hot-headed. I still get angry easily, but I don't hurt myself because of it. I often hurt him though ;)

He's also taught me a lot about myself and taught me that it's ok to be completely different from what I am.

I guess I'm writing all this because I feel it now and want to remember this and more. I know that over the years there will be more. There will also be times when I think of all the times he didn't hold my hand or buy me flowers, and as long as I also remember cocoa, we're good.

More on RF

So... between Google and Wikipedia, no famous person has any privacy. I did some surfing about Roger Federer and I find he's quite awesome. He learnt when he was young, that he was too emotional in his playing - so now he holds off on the emotion, till he finishes the game. Imagine, a lion of industry admitting that before a huge win, he's not able to concentrate on what he's doing, because he's thinking of what he needs to say when he's done?

Not satisfied with knowing about the person, I looked up Mirka, the woman who's lucky enough to be married to this gem. I guess he's a normal person as well, who wakes up with bad breath and a rotten temper (though I don't believe it) but she's 3 years old than him! She used to play tennis but stopped in 2002. She's not stunningly beautiful and she's not very 'hot' but Roger loves her. Awww....

Roger Federer Rules!!

So, I worte a post about the great man last year, after he lost Wimbledon. And what a year this has been for him. Till recently, I didn't know that he hadn't won the French Open till this year. So last year, when he lost the French Open, he was upset, but when he lost Wimbledon, he was devastated.

This year, he won both - and is clearly over the moon. I'll tell you what I've seen this year. I've seen Roger Federer talk directly to his fans on Facebook. I've seen him depressed after the Australian Open and then ecstatic after the French.

I watched the Wimbledon finals and ... I was conflicted. I'm a Federer fan. Will always be because he's a fabulous player. But I felt quite bad for Roddick. He played well, played hard, and lost. Was he outclassed? I'd like to say so. Mainly because the final set went to 16-14. If he was not outclassed, he would have won it 7-5 or so. Could it have gone on longer? Certainly! Could Federer have lost? Certainly! But here's what I think makes him special - he didn't want to lose. He played some points badly, was on the verge of break of serve several times, but he always got out of it. He was calm, collected and cool. He played with the conviction that if Roddick had to win, he would have to comprehensively beat Federer. A single double fault wouldn't do. A bad passing shot wouldn't do. It would have to be a sold drubbing.

Will Federer be solidly drubbed? I'm sure he will, at some point. But for the time being, he's World No. 1 again, and all's right with his world.

Now I Get It!

So... I always thought that blogging helped me understand myself better. It did and it does, but apparently not completely. I had to read another blog (www.unmana.com) to understand why I as almost 'betrayed' by SO's willingness to have a traditional wedding. To understand why I'm always afraid of his turning out to be somewhat different from what he thinks he is.

It's a rather dramatic statement, I know. But what I mean is, that when we discussed stuff like religion and rituals, we seemed aligned. We both seemed to agree that ritual means nothing to us, and using it to 'get married' didn't make sense. And yet, that's exactly what we did. Which is probably a part of why that day was not 'special' for me. That's another dramatic statement, and not one that I'd acknowledged much before.

Let me see if I want to take this one further.

Marrying the SO has been a challenging affair. I will say this, he was the one to first mention marriage, maybe seeing it as a given if a guy and a girl get 'physical'. I, on the other hand, was quite willing to let the 'physical' happen cause I wanted it to. What happened later, happened later. In my defence, I was 24 and relishing my first job and independence.

We progressed beyond that, to SO being totally resistant to the idea of getting wed before he was 30. So, at 23, he was ok with getting married at 30. Cool huh? I struggled with this, but it was weird to break up because he wasn't willing to get married. It hurt then, and to some extent it still does, but we went with it. We enjoyed each other's company, he didn't seem to want anybody else and was willing to put enough effort into it to ensure I didn't want anybody else either.

Then the actual discussions began. The discussion of when, where, how etc. When (as I'm sure I've blogged on here) shifted by a few months. Now when I look at it, it was just 2 months, but after 4 odd years of waiting, movement for reasons that I wasn't very convinced with was a let down.

Where, was relatively easily resolved. The 'how' caused me a lot of pain. SO, who refuses to visit temples, who doesn't do any pujas for festivals, agreed to have a traditional wedding. Without consulting me. Just agreed. Would consultation have helped? Probably not, I'd have been just as shrill and hurt, without understanding why. My parents also failed me sort of - they agreed to a traditional wedding without consulting me, but my father has always been strongly on the side of tradition, so I was not surprised there.

I guess it's all weird right? You test all relationships - knowingly or unknowingly. You put pressure on them from time to time and see if they'll hold up, of where the points of failure are. Then you address those one way or the other. With friends, you fix that by altering the rules of friendship, or by discussing what went wrong and vowing to be more supportive in future.

With a spouse - what do you do? I'll tell you what I did. I decided that we were too far along the road to call it all off due to my 'discomfort' with my spouse to be. I was a mess, I did nearly call it off (depressing my parents in the process). I did also speak to SO, to the extent possible. I was saying at that point, that he was not communicating enough.

For various reasons, we got past that. I'm ok with the wedding and the marriage. I will always have some scars from the process, but most of the wounds have healed.

Here's hoping that new ones aren't created.

Just what the truth is...

I'm 'disturbed' today. Maybe I was disturbed yesterday as well, but I definately am today. Some part of this may be PMS. I get more frustrated than usual as a part of my PMS. And maybe the bio clock isn't helping.

I'm going to take great comfort in the fact that nobody reads this blog to vent somewhat. I've never been 'thin'. Even when I was quite ok, my body image was of being 'fat'. As a result, I almost never felt attractive. There were moments, but nothing with regularity. I was never one of the girls who boys were 'interested' in. I was one of the 'safe' ones. I still am. In some ways, I enjoy this - I'll never need to be worried about being hit-on at work. But I'm still a girl, I would like to be hit on!

I met SO and he wasn't drawn moth-like by my amazing beauty. He does love me, very much. Sometimes I feel relieved that my looks are not as important to him as looks sometimes are to men.

I'm learning though, in a few years, I'll be polished and elegant. Well turned out for all occasions (except for my hair) and probably be admired for my 'togetherness' but still not hittalbe on. Some part of this may be my resistance to exercise.

And there you have it. The mood has turned. I'm not too upset, I still (at 32) have good skin, and decent bones. I would change my nose if I could, but as long as I groom decently and moisturize well, That stuff won't change too much. Which leaves exercise... but that's another blog ;)

Now I know why I'm a fatty... I'm too comfortable being fat.

The Fine Balance

There's a book, isn't there? Rohinton Mistry I think - called A Fine Balance. I've no idea what it's about.

Just that I'm in office today and have no inclination to work, but have a bunch of stuff. Some of it is not hard work, just high visibility. So, though I don't really care, and can't get it really wrong... I also cannot put it off.

My heart is paining and my mind wants to sleep.

In the middle of this (need for a vacation basically)is my personal desire to have a child. A desire that I believe my husband subscribes to. One that requires participation from both of us. The challenge of course is, the lives we lead and the way the system of conception works. A window of two days, alignment of items inside the body and alignment of stars and galaxies.

Given the challenges in my personal life, I'm not hoping for much. What challenges you ask? If I think over it, nothing in my personal life has come easily. I've had difficult relationships with myself, with my family, with SO... I've had a challenging time getting married... Why should having a child be any different?

The only area where I've had it relatively easy is in making friends. I have a truckload of em and I'm very glad. Not that it's simple to make and keep friends, just that it's not tied to my daily existence. It's not tied to my innermost feelings of worth and stuff. This is odd, I'll admit. The only places where it becomes tied to my idea of self-worth, is where I feel unattractive since I have several good male friends, who are purely platonic friends.

So... I'm worried about not having children, because I do want to get pregnant. I'm open to adoption, but I'm very worried about how the relationship with the husband will survive this. Survive my wanting to get pregnant and no efforts being made in that regard. Maybe it's true, we're degenerating into platonic friends as well...

Ranty?

There are some things I want to say. Some part of it relates to a cousin of mine, who wrote a note on Facebook about her maid.

See, now we all have maids. Ladies who clean our houses, cook our food, take care of our children - whatever it is that they do. And we always have complaints about them. Why? Because we 'expect' them to be different. Why would we expect them to do what we do? If they could do what we do, why would they be our maids? And in a world where everybody is equally skilled, we could well be their maids.

I guess this is where the 'feudal' mindset still prevails in this country (India). We still think there are people to 'serve' us. Why on earth? We employ them to do a job, and they do that job with as much sincerety as one who's paid a pittance to do it will. I work long hours, I work hard - I work smart... Whatever I do, it's my job. I enjoy it, but there are times when I hate it. If I apply the same logic to them, they probably hate their jobs a lot more. And worse than me, they're compelled to do precisely that job. There's no scope for change, no 'different role', no 'more money'... nothing. A sustenance job that they can't do anything about because they have homes to run.

And this is probably what depresses me about Slumdog Millionaire and White Tiger. The lives of the families described, will never end the way they've been fictionalized. If that chance existed, this country would be very different.

It's a disgusting kind of cynicism. I hate the self-perpetuating nature of society, and yet there's absolutely nothing I can do. I try to let the lady that cleans my house know that money for studies will always be avaialable, but is that enough? The way I see it, the only way up is to ensure that every child has a shot at a future - through education and nutrition. And what kind of country cannot assure that?

Follow Up

So, it's a new month, and I'd like to get pregnant :) Will I? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm going to stress about it. Not about how often SO and I 'baby-dance' but about whether I'm physically ok or not. About whether my body is able to get pregnant, about whether I did something horribly wrong in my past life or in this one, which will mean that I can never have children.

And through all this, I've not ruled out adoption. I do know that I want to have children in my life, but I also want to be pregnant. And it would be nice to have a little 'us'.

Life...

So, my period did arrive and clearly I'm not pregnant. What I am though, is remarkably calm. Last week was not a lot of fun, but it ended well. Well-ish I would say. Friday was a lot of fun. Saturday was - stressful as I had a lot of rushing around to do. Sunday was relaxed.

And here I am. At work, knowing what i need to do and not afraid of any of it. But I'm amazed by how much things... work out. I've been working very hard and need a vacation. I wanted a couple of days off to just relax. But then I saw this program on TV of a riding school that has camps for children. I asked them if they have camps for adults, and they do! So if I can do that for a few days, I know it'll be perfect!

I'm excited about it as it combines two things that I really enjoy - relaxation with horses! I hope it works out! SO may not be with me, but I think it will be fine. It's near where his parents' house is. So he can come along for the weekend and we can return together.

I'm very thankful for my life!

Aaaargh!

So i took a test today and failed it. Now I'm just pissed off. I've had a bunch of symptoms which are not normal PMS things for me. And yet, here I am, failing tests! It's just wrong!

I'm going out for a short walk, to spend some money and get some bank work done. Maybe my period will arrive, to complete the shittyness of of all!

Save Me!

I'm going insane trying to figure out whether I'm PMSsing crazily or I'm .... well... i don't want to say it in case i jinx it.

Today, the breasts are feeling better, but the moodiness is more. there are some gross issues - like gas, leading to constipation? not really constipation - just difficulty.

I'm feeling tired/sleepy - but i always feel sleepy! I'm also feeling thirsty - but it's summer!!

I read someone else say on a board "I hate pregnancy, the symptoms are so 'everyday'" I totally second this!

Irritating!!

So, we decided that we've been married long enough, we should think about children. This was last year in May. As per the plan, I was going to get healthier between May and November and begin trying in earnest in November. The archives have a post from October, when I though I might be pregnant... Then I started working like a bit of a maniac. Right through till March. Around that time, SO also travelled (Feb to March). So our earliest bet was April.

In April, I did some bodily research and think I got the timing right. It was last week. From Saturday, I've been feeling the following:

1. Crabby - have violent mood-swings with things upsetting me much more than they normally would.
2. Painful breasts and nipples - TMI for some, but hey - nobody else reads this blog right?
3. I guess bloated? I feel full most of the time, don't realise that I'm hungry, can't eat too much.

Yesterday I had slight back pain - like I get with my period (again TMI I guess)

Today, I've a new one - fluttering in the lower abdomen. Not sure if it feels like period cramps or what. It's all rather confusing.

I'd like to believe that I'm pregnant - but what if I'm not? Apart from these, I see no symptoms. No food cravings or aversions, no fatigue (though I'd certainly like to sleep), no nausea, no bleeding.

I'd like to tell someone other than SO that this is going on - just cause I'm very excited. He's excited - but much more cautious. Doesn't want to get too hopeful in case I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I've a lot to worry about. This is rather kick-ass PMS!

Shammi Kappor and Mohammad Rafi

Have a lot to answer for! I grew up listening to Mohammad Rafi and spent significant amounts of time watching Shammi Kappor movies. All romantic, with intensely romantic songs. Small wonder that I'm incurable!

He's Back!

I may not have mentioned it, but I think I did. SO was traveling for 5 weeks. Added to this was my own travel and slightly hectic life. And added to both these were some slightly traumatic events - illness in family. The net result is that I was missing SO terribly. Oddly, it was not in a confused way of enjoying being by myself - it was in the way of missing someone who was a part of my every day. It sank in only yesterday when I returned home and found him sitting the way only he does, doing something. I realised only yesterday how much I missed his quiet presence. When I say quiet, I mean the times when we may be doing different things - but are both in the same place at the same time.

Just got some more family bad news... so glad SO's back!

Anoop Desai

So we have another American of Indian Origin in the American Idol. Anoop Desai. Unlike Sanjaya Malakar, this boy can sing and is more mature (hopefully won't rely on propos and shock value). But I'm confused... is he in because he can sing? Or because he appeals to a bunch of 'demographics'?

He's No. 13, he came back on a Wildcard. That's approximately twice that America didn't vote him through. Did the judges let him back in because they trust his talent? Or because they were told that he appeals to many American demographics and the Indian Amercian demographic?

Come to think of it, there are absolutely no Indian-American recording artists in the US. Though India is a gigantic market, and a good consumer of other American music.

Am I being psycho?

Of Friends...

Apparently Oscar Wilde said 'Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.' Several people have said stuff like this. To me, this means one of two things:

1. They're wrong; or
2. I'm not a woman.

When I was little, I had mainly male friends. Might be just because I have an elder brother who's just a year older. For a really long time we hung out together and had the same group. I went to an all girl's school, so made female friends along the way. Then to a co-ed school and college and now have many friends of both sexes. I also continue to make more friends of both sexes. What I've just (literally, just) realised is that it's easier to make friends with women on an on-going basis. With men/boys, you've to make friends at some strategic point.

Most of my male friends (and they're good friends) are from school and college. Times when we had plenty of bonding opportunities not related to technical discussions or alcohol. I will confess that in college sometimes it did relate to alcohol, but often times it was just talking. And after many years of talking, you apparently build a bond that's impossible to break.

I say apparently because last weekend I met a bunch of my friends, mostly male. I've not met some of them for 8+ years. But we're still the same. We still have fun together, are able to talk without inhibition, without taking offence. I miss them! And there's no passion, enmity or worship. Only friendship.

On a slightly different point, one of my friends from college is... treating himself badly. He's a dear friend, a boy's boy. I hadn't met him for absolutely ages, but I still feel for him like I did in college. Which is that he's a good friend and I enjoy spending time with him. I had an absolute blast, but he... drank way too much. Apparently he's also been very ill in the recent past. He'll do what he wants to, but I feel like asking him to keep himself going, for his friends and family. I don't want to lose another friend, especially where it is completely avoidable. I'm not sure how I communicate this to him, without completely pissing him off.

I also find that guys think it's easier to do stuff that their wives disapprove of in hiding, rather than either change or have a frank conversation with their wives. I wouldn't put it past SO to do the same, but I'd like to think I have given him enough security to tell me that he wants to do something (play video games all night, smoke cigarettes, drink like a fish, smoke dope, etc.) I may not agree with him, but my view is that it's his life and his health. I refuse to take responsibility for it, just like he refuses to take responsbility for mine (being fat, eating wrong, not exercising, etc.) I think this works and am not sure whether the other way is because it's convenient...

I guess the upshot is, I'd like to think that I'm a better wife than some others, but I'm fairly certain everybody's only doing the best they can for their own marriages... and I'm not a woman :)

On Roger Federer

So he lost yesterday. It was a very sad thing to watch, I thought he'd win all the way upto when he lost. Just one break down after winning the 4th set convincingly. I thought Rafa's tiring, Federer's still strong. Then came the break and eventually the break down. I believe that Federer handled last year because it was a bad year. Every athlete has bad years, times when things aren't going the way you need them to. He honestly believed this year would be different. He had a dream run upto the finals. He had a tough match that just suddenly fell apart.

And hats-off to Rafa. He knew that he had made Federer cry. The way Steffi Graf made Jana Novotna cry all those years ago. Federer watched Rafa snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It hurt him cruelly, but he pulled himself together and made a speech.

What I'm hoping for now is that he can pull himself together and get through the year without a monkey on his back. Without thinking that Rafa's just better than him. But thinking that Rafa had a good day, a couple of bad calls, a couple of errors and it could have been Federer's good day.

What I took away from that match was that the two players, though different in style, are so well matched that it comes down to the last set, to who has a better game, to who has the better calls/challenges. I am indeed privileged to be living in the age of these players. To watch true sportsmen and athletes battle it out with all they've got. I just wish their hearts didn't break when they lose.

News and News

Roger Federer is now in the Australian Open Finals!! Though this may not affect anybody else personally, it affects me. I care that this man, who had an appalling year last year, has come back to win the quarters and semis in straight sets. Now let's watch the finals.

In other news, my brother's been 'let go' from his job. He's in the US and his employer has been forced to cut jobs. It is shocking to have this happen to someone I know. I know things are bad out there, people are losing jobs and all that, but I honestly didn't expect someone I know to be affected. Especially someone who was told by teachers that he 'would go far in life'... I'm slightly afraid for my brother.

Free Flow

I'm in a meeting on a Sunday afternoon. The discussions going on don't interest me in the slightest so I'm listening to music. It's strange when there is a room full of conversation going on that you cannot hear. And what you're listening to flits across your face. I wonder if anybody else is looking at me, so I look up. I catch your puzzled eye, wondering what I'm thinking. Why I look excited, then wistful, then the secret smile.

The world is a scary place, we're so much 'out there'. I give my all to my work and the people I work with - well, if I like them. I don't lie, I don't hide, I don't pretend. I expect the same from them and most often I get it. Scary because if we're seeing each other more than family... we become closer to each other than family sometimes. This is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.

Its at times like this that I miss SO a great deal. I don't want other people knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, trying to keep me entertained or cheer me up when I've had a rotten day. So far, I've managed to not let that happen, but this week was bad. A few days ago, I was very unjustly accused of not doing my job well enough. I was wounded, to say the least. I had to keep a professional air about it and I did for the most part. I cried my eyes out. But my colleagues didn't see that part (well not everybody). I could have looked to my colleagues, and if I was angry with SO for being distant I might well have, for support and reassurance.

This time, given the way I'm feeling about SO, I walked away, called him and bawled like a baby. It was amazing how much I cried, first time I've ever cried like this about work. Hopefully the only ever time. I've been upset because of mistakes I've made, but not offended violently because of an undeserved comment.

I miss my husband!

Johnny Cash

And this song called Hurt - http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related

A colleague sent a bunch of us this. It's a Nine Inch Nails song (http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=gjwgYvzQWS4). It is Johnny Cash's confession. His telling God that he repents, and now he's ready to die. This is all I'll say because anything more makes it less.

Why I love being Married

So I never thought I'd get to this stage, but here I am. I'm away from SO again, but just before I travelled, I spent about 10 days almost completely with him. I had just come back from one trip and a few days of work which were rather harrowing but the upside is that it was very Honeymoony. I was just so happy to be with him that I didn't fight with him at all. I think we made it through the entire period with only him getting angry with me once. And I absolutely loved it.

To my mind, this is what a Honeymoon would be like. You spend time just being with that other person, when you're at a stage that you're happy to be together, enjoying each other's company. No other stresses, no tensions apart from what to do for the day (in our case where to eat). I loved it and I love him. I also think this is why Honeymoons are important, they help the couple bond as a couple. To understand what they mean to each other and how they think about certain things. I've not had this time with SO in a really long time. We try on weekends and stuff but the growing together takes some concerted time and bonding.

And so now, we're an 'us'. We have opinions, we have likes and dislikes, we also have fights but at least 'we' exist.

And Men will be Boys

So... the more you work, the more you realise that you're the only girl/woman in some situations. Not a bad thing, but guys sometimes forget this. Leading to an overdrive of testosterone and a higher level of irritation. Irritation because men are boys. In large groups where they are not close friends they discuss the most mundane stuff. Cars, watches, girls... I can stomach the cars and watches, having some interest in cars myself. The girls part upsets me greatly. It upsets me as a woman, and it upsets me as a person who works fairly hard.

Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of the guys I'm working on this project with. They're fun and stuff, enjoyable to hang out with, but constantly checking out women. Ok, so you get past that and say to yourself that they're appreciating, what's the harm in that. Then we go to a club. There are several girls there who are dressed to party, and are clearly girly girls - slim and sexy. I'm trying to put down what I found offensive. Why don't I start with the setting. It's a club in a city outside India. A club that shuts down at 3:00 a.m. or so. There is a band that performs here, with a 'lead' singer who's Canadian. She's hot, and a lot of people hit on her. Apart from that, she's got all these men who want to be close to her. Married men, out for an evening of fun with their friends. They may go regularly, or they may go off and on. I also have no clue about whether she has any objections, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't. They're out of shape, they're Asian, they're short and have children who may be this girl's age. They put their hands on her waist and their heads on her shoulder. Maybe she enjoys it... It would be like Bar Girls in Bombay or the Thai Bar Girls. Maybe she does.

Then there are all these other girls. Girls that go out to clubs, well dressed, in gorups of girls only, accepting drinks from men, dancing with men, giving men their phone numbers. Men that they just met, men that maybe they meet regularly at these clubs. The understanding appears to be, I'm young and pretty, you havemoney and want company, let's get together. Maybe some of these go on to be more, but it all seems so shallow. The guys feel happy because they're in the company of pretty girls, the girls feel happy that they went out and partied, without spending much money. And yet, all these men are married. I doubt very much their wives are thinking 'Thank God he's gone out with other women to dance, I so don't want to dance with him!'

So the trauma for me is twofold. The first is that one day, SO will be like this, or in this position. Senior enough to be working like a dog and want to party hard when he's done for the day. Maybe it'll be different because SO hates dancing... so maybe it'll never be him.

The second is what is a working woman to do? I work hard as well, and I love to dance. But dancing requires either supreme confidence in yourself (i.e. not caring how you look) or a very safe environment. Partying with the people I work with, when I'm not in the best shape physically, is not much fun. I had a bit of a blast yesterday, 2 of the men I was with are good dancers. Meaning, if you let them lead, you have a pretty good time. You know how it is? Their upper arms are locked, so there's that pull, you'll only go so far out, they've got you. Both of them are married and I'm fairly certain their wives would love to dance with them. Just that this dancing, their night-out-on-town dancing, is not for themselves, it's for work. So, when they're with family, they won't do this.

But back to me now... What am I to do? These guys are my colleagues, I don't want to become a party girl for them, but I do like to party (i.e. dance). Does that mean I've to find other friends? The other irritation is that they're all so Male!

What is a girl to do?

The Woman and the Mind

So I've never pretended to be anything apart from a woman. And this woman, she's part atavistic and part... well, I want to say refined, but that might be too strong a word. Maybe evolved is the right word. I'd like to think that I'm a good person. A person who can see beyond animal urges. But then... maybe I'm not. I've met a couple of men recently. They're so 'man'ly that it borders on chauvanistic, but they're hot.

So here I am. The 'Woman' thinks that these men are hot and likes their company. The 'Mind' thinks that they're chauvanistic and... well problematic at many levels. An additional problem is that I work with these men. So they can't know what the Woman is thinking. And I need to watch how I communicate what the Mind is thinking.

Ah, the absolute joys of being a working woman! I guess there is a genuine upside to this. The various pheromones that the Woman gets, keeps the Mind relaxed and functioning effectively. The downside is that the Mind is constantly checking the Woman.

I guess I was unaware or unwilling to acknowledge how strong the Woman is. I'd like to spend some time on this. The Woman adds a very useful dimension to my job. There is a lot of empathy and patience that she brings. She also brings some genuineness. But at some bottom line, she's very elemental, reactions are very immediate. The Mind is able to bring some balance, actually a lot of balance. And even in this situation, they get to work together... to keep Me standing.

Of Friendship and Death

It seems odd that in the aftermath of the horrendous 4 days in Mumbai, I'm talking of friendship. I guess the real advantages of an anonymous blog is that nobody knows who I am, so if I say a friend died in that episode, it doesn't matter to anybody but me.

The reasons I'm talking only of my friend are many, but the core is that while the insanity was unravelling in Mumbai, I was rather blase in Bangalore. I knew that some strange shit was going down in Mumbai, but what the heck, it's Mumbai right? Far away from me, etc. But wait a minute... suddenly I found out my friend died. So here's the scene, I'm Blase in Bangalore, I've another set of friends in the US. They're even more blase, because what the hey, Mumbai's soooo far away. But then our friend dies.

In some senses it feels like a play. We're all happy, hunky-dory living our lives and suddenly we hear this. I could write a school play, where one by one, several characters go on about what this particular individual meant to them. Some good friends, some acquaintances, some loved him, some hated him... all of which is true. But does this mean that we've reached a state where we only feel, when something touches us directly? So all this empathy that I thought I had is actually nothing?

Quite apart from that, my friend and I had this weird bond. He would keep in touch a lot. I would reciprocate but never initiate. For some time because the amount of attention I would get made me uncomfortable, for some time because he married a person I wasn't too fond off, for some time because he divorced her and the reason why made me wary of him. And now, he's not around anymore.

I guess in some way I want to say goodbye to him. To the person that he was, steadfast. I remember a lot of things about him, but I think this piece was paramount. My friend was steadfast. If he thought something was right, he would tolerate no less, and he would appreciate 'right-mindedness' in everyone, everywhere. I will miss him a lot.

Somalian Pirates and the World

I'd heard reports about Somalian Pirates. I also know that the Indian Navy has recently rescued a ship that was almost held hostage. I incidentally did some reading and have some opinions (as usual).

Somalia is going through a phase of anarchy where its each person/clan out for themselves. There is apparently no thought given to development of the country as a whole. So the fishermen began overfishing their waters - meaning that in due course there is nothing left to fish. Then the piracy began because it's another way to make money. People are starving and other people are making tons of money by being pirates. Nobody but Somalia can prosecute the pirates because it's either piracy on the high-seas or piracy in Somalian waters. Somalia may not want to prosecute the pirates - after all they're earning money in dollars!

Where does this leave the rest of us? Is this what the White Man's Burden is? Noblesse Oblige? The responsibility of various groups who've gone through this, who know better, to teach those who apparently don't? But who are the enlightened? And what if the un-enlightened don't want to be enlightened? What if every single Somali is willing to have the country disintegrate and the population die? Do we stand by and watch?

Somalia was the centre of a lot of world attention in the 80s and 90s. Famine, civil war, UN Peacekeeping. Eventually the world stepped out and allowed Somalia to take care of itself, and apparently it doesn't want to. Is that a problem? Should it be?

From a distance I can see that their attitude is short-term. It will only lead to more anarchy and an implosion, but if they don't care, what can anybody do?

It's a deeply philosophical question. You can educate and you can empower. Once you've done that, you've to let the person/group/country make their own decisions. They may not be decisions that you would take but they are not your decisions to take. You get to stand by and be a spectator to violence and disintegration. You get to cry when all the things you said would come to pass actually do, and all the pain you forecasted is felt.

But you still get to hope that things will get better. For them and for the world as a whole. If you give up that hope, there is almost no reason to go on.

Me and Abortion...

Interestingly, I can trace all my views on abortion back to a single statement from a lady doctor, who had come to my school to teach us about sex. She showed us a picture of a foetus at 4 weeks or so. She asked us how a woman knows she's pregnant. One answered "When she starts vomitting". Thanks to all hindi movies. True enough, but the first sign, she informs us, is a missed period.

Then she shows us this picture, little baby, hands forming, big head, marks for eyes and nose and stuff, and asks us what we're thinking. Then she says "Are you thinking that you look so human, and your mother doesn't even know you exist yet?" From that moment, I knew what to think. I had other conversations with myself about bodies and souls and when a soul enters a body, when life begins etc. But that was always at the heart of it. Once the foetus is formed - whether it carries to term or not, it is alive. It is a human being.

This all has some special meaning now. I've been trying to get healthier, and want to have a child quite badly. I've missed my July period quite comprehensively, but am not at all sure whether it's just the residual PCOS angst. I was regular for 2 months before this, but 2 months is not enough right? I'm waiting for another week before I take a test. I'm also a bit of a mess. I'm still me, I'm quite excited about being pregnant (if I am) but I'm a bit of a mess. I'm over aggressive and over weepy. I'm not sure at all that I'm pregnant, but there is a chance. It's a scary chance too :)

I wish there was an easy way to tell - like the little toe on my left foot would twitch uncontrollably and then I could be sure. The thing is, with the tests - you've got to wait for a long time to be sure. The initial tests may be negative, and then it may be positive... Or it may actually be negative. So how long do you wait? How long do you decide to keep non-alcoholic... How much exercise is acceptable?

In short, am I pregnant or ill?

Dil ko... nahin pata hai

I watched Jaane Tu... the other day. It was only during the movie that I noticed the brilliance of Nazrein Milana. It's a nice breezy song but has some wonderful vocals. The words... they're fine, but the music and voices are amazing. Of the singers, I've only heard of Naresh Iyer before, and I'm glad that all the others were involved in this.

About the movie though. I saw Pratiek Babbar. I had read a review before which said he was good, so I was expecting a lot. He was good, I'll admit, but not stunningly so. Not like, say Vivek Oberoi in Company. He did have a tiny role though, which he did well. I found it a bit irritating that he was so upset by his sister having her own life. But, that's also not his fault. I realised somewhere in the movie, that he's also Smita Patil's son. He has her cheek bones I would say. Some of the intensity of expression as well. I was intrigued and wanted to see more of him, so did some Google-ing.

I noted a few things. Pratiek is the only child of Raj Babbar and Smita Patil. Raj Babbar has two other children, Arya and Juhi (both of whom debuted in Hindi movies, but didn't make it very far). Raj Babbar was married to Nadira Babbar, whom he left to be with Smita Patil, and had Pratiek. Smita Patil died in giving birth to Pratiek. Pratiek then stayed with Smita Patil's parents, and Raj and Nadira Babbar reconciled. Do I see a minor hindi movie right here?

So many thoughts about all these real people... young people too. There are some older people, who made choices that have shaped the lives of the younger people. I hope they put sufficient thought into it.

Love and Poetry

Hindi Movie style...

It's very interesting that there is a firm link between love and poetry all over the world. My take is that love arouses the 'finer feelings' in a person, which are reflected by poetry rather than prose. A great example of this (at least, I think it's fabulous) is a song from a movie that's flopping. Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic has this song called 'Nihal ho Gayi'. I listend to it many many times before I realised what it was saying. Partly because 'Nihal' doesn't mean much to me. But one day I listened to a verse:

jisko main bheed kehta tha wo log ho gaye
jisko sadak samajhta tha wo raah ho gayi
chamakti aasma mein gol cheez chaand ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
daaliyon mein jhoomte wo rang phool ho gaye
khushbuon se saans saans maalamal ho gayi
teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi


What I thought was a crowd became people;
What I thought was an ordinary road became path to a future;
The round shiny thing in the sky has become the moon;
With one look you've changed my life.
The colours on branches have become flowers;
My breath is filled with perfumed airs;
With one look you've changed my life.

ek hawa jo paas aayi to jhonka kaha use
paani jo barasne laga rimjhim kaha use
hothon ke mudne ko muskurana kaha
ho teri ek nazar se, ho teri ek nazar se
badla mahina to naya mausam kaha use
sur naya naya nai nai si taal ho gayi
ho teri ek nazar se zindagi nihal ho gayi
nihal ho gayi nihal ho gayi


Wind passed by me and I call it a breeze,
Water falling became a musical drizzle,
The bending of lips I now call a smile;
With one look, with one look,
Changing months have now become seasons,
New sounds sound like music,
With one look you've changed my life.

My translations may be rubbish, but think of a person who couldn't care about the moon. Didn't ever look at it as a magical thing, and then, suddenly one day, it's a special object.

:) Now I know why I'm a romantic. And will probably remain incurably so.
Life and love are very beautiful. Sometimes the beauty of it all makes me cry, sometimes the sadness of it all makes me cry. I guess I'm just generally weepy :)

Federer v. Nadal

I saw most of the match yesterday. Federer losing to Nadal. Not such a big thing in itself, but coming hot on the heels of a loss at the French Open in straight sets and the fact that Federer has won more encounters on grass than he has lost. Yesterday, if he had won, it would have been his 6th Wimbledon title. Beating some older records that he had equalled last year. It was a well fought match, but to me, Federer was outclassed. Rafael Nadal was the better player yesterday, and it's only correct that the better player wins.

Does that mean that Federer is done for? One of the commentators was very vocal about how this loss is going to destroy Federer. Which is what sometimes makes me very grateful that I'm a normal human being. My definition of myself and in fact, my own identity, depend on things apart from my 'ability'. And I hope that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are aware of who they are, apart from being superb tennis players.

I keep thinking about that match, and maybe at some level the commentators are right. Being the champion was a part of his identity. There was one particular volley where I could see that Federer did not expect a return. But he got one, a brilliant one at that. Nadal on the other hand, clearly knew that he had to be prepared for everything. He did not ever give up. It was a brilliant game, just a little sad if you were supporting Federer.

And now we get to see the stuff champions are made of. A man who has played and won for over 5 years now, whose career has proved that he is a brilliant player on a lot of surfaces, has to decide what he is. Is he able to admit that he is a brilliant player, but not always the best on a day? Is he willing to admit that? Is he able to push himself hard enough so that he is at the absolute peak of his own skill? At that level, if he's the better player on the day, he will definitely win. But if he's decided in his mind that he is generally the better player, that's not good enough.

The way I see it, the Wimbledon final only showed that one thought he coudl rest on his laurels, the other was clear that he has to push forward. Either way, the future of men's tennis has just got a whole lot more interesting. And with all this, Nadal is 22 and Federer is 26. Each can safely play upto the age of 30. :) Fun Fun Fun.

Inauthenticity

I've been thinking about what someone calls the 'authentic self'. The person you 'are'. This has nothing to do with philosophy and culture or anything else. This is the basic personality that you have. And his thinking is, that if that authentic self is imposed upon, basically by your own ideas of who you want to be or what you want to do, it will be abidingly unhappy.

I believed that my authentic self was happy. Objectively, I'm a happy person. Partially because my professional life is going well and my personal life has all the trappings of success. However, I'm not abidingly happy. I mean, I find myself being unappy from time to time, and not because my work makes demands of me. I tried to blame this on other people and situations, but that's not the case, because I am unhappy, they are not. So... why am I unhappy?

The root cause appears to be that my marriage is not all that I want it to be. See? Now I can be completely objective and say that it's not all I want it to be. Therefore, the issue is with me. Either with regard to expectation or with regard to perception. The only issue here is one that I have consistently refused to acknowledge before. What if my expectations of a marriage are reasonable, but SO cannot possibly fulfill those expectations with his authentic self?

I was asked: What did I hope marriage would do for my life?
I had hoped for a partner who would be happy to spend his free time with me. We would share responsibilities around the house and spend time making each other feel happier. Spend time bonding and eventually have children. What I really want is companionship at a soul level. For someone who knows that I am tired, to try and make me feel better, either by massage or conversation or just by hugging. I'm going through a rather demanding period at work. Not that the work is un-doable or outside my understanding, just that there is a lot of it. I often need a hug at the end of the day. And SO is working too hard himself, comes home late, watches TV till he's sleepy and goes to sleep. By then, I'm asleep and any affection that he shows me, wakes me up - making me very very cranky.

What qualities would I be able to express in an ideal relationship?
Affection. The joy of being with somebody. I have always wanted to be one of those couples that walk down roads holding hands. Not because they're afraid of losing the other, but because they rejoice in being together. As long as I have known SO, I have know that he is not comfortable with public displays of affection, so have tried to be good about this. He is also not comfortable with private displays of affection - something that hurts at times and rankles at other times. Clearly, this affects me greatly. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I did not see my parents enjoying each other's company when I was young. I didn't get the sense from them that they were happy with each other. They are still together, but it was difficult growing up with the tension and constant arguing. I promised myself that my children would not have that. I'm not sure if this 'requirement' of mine is just something in my mind or something that is part of me. I have a ton of friends, and I'm affectionate with them, in that I give of my time and thoughts. Displays of affection are not physical. So why do I demand more of this relationship? Why does it hurt me that I cannot hold SO's hand and smile sappily at him? This requires more thought.

What cannot I do (that I really want to) in this relationship?
The answer is related. The answer is to freely express affection and to have children. I really want to have children and we're making no progress in that department. For a while, I was also at fault on this - was developing PCOS. However, I've modified diet and have taken on an exercise routine. This should make me better, can't say for sure. However, we're nowhere near on the way to having children. I believe this is for no fault of mine. Also... given the way I feel otherwise, I'm not sure in my mind whether it's right to have children. Clearly, they'll see only what I saw. Which is again not something I want for them.

What was my level of satisfaction with life before I got married?
Contrary to the way my question was phrased, all my life, I've known that I want to be married. I want to share my life with someone else, share my home with someone else. Due to this, my level of satisfaction before marriage was low. I wanted a husband, exactly like I want children. The urge to be married, sharing everything, came in my mid-20s and was very very strong. The urge for children has been with me maybe 3 years now. Impractical as I wasn't married, but now...
I can see that if SO turns coat and says he can't do this, he doesn't understand me and marriage, I've become a total bitch and he wants out, I'll agree. I'll also be looking for someone who's ready to get married shortly after that.

There are a few more questions, clearly framed because I seemed unhappy with being married. Myabe if I had expressed a dissatisfaction with this particular marriage, the questions would have been different. I can ask myself. Am I unhappy in my marriage? Yes. I am. I can be honest about this. What I can't tell is, why.

This being unhappy results in me snapping at my husband for stupid little things, making him feel that I'm a bitch, or worse, making him feel inadequate. I try hard not to pressure him on the baby as naturally that makes him feel even more inadequate, but I'm not helping anything. I used to think that the issue was with respect. Which was that I didn't respect him enough. That is very possible, because in the whole process of getting married, I was buffetted quite a bit.

I'd like to think that I am over that. The scars have faded quite a bit, but new wounds keep forming. Wounds along the lines of 'if he knows that I have difficulty sleeping with noise/light, how can he watch the tv with the volume on high?' It presumes a level of sensitivity, which either he may not have, or may not think is necessary. The bottom line is that I make him walk on eggshells in his own house. My excuse? That he does the same to me. He has told me of his 'expectations' for the way the house should be, and I try very hard to keep it like that. I think I feel that I try very hard, but he isn't trying.

I think I have found the inauthenticity. The answer of course is, that conforming to his expectations is hurting me, partially because he is not conforming to my expectations. But then, what are my expectations? What I've listed above? Can you make someone show 'happiness to be with you'? What if they think they 'show' it enough, but you don't think so?

Is the question then, who would need to be less in-authentic to meet the other's expectations? Is that a fair question? Can the answer and living that answer ever be satisfactory?

Kya Hua Jo Laari Chooti

Interestingly, I'm always thinking of songs that suit my mood. I.E. I have a song running in my head all the time and it usually echoes what's happening at the time. Yesterday, the song echoed the sudden excitement at meeting someone. Today it is a song asking what's the matter if you miss the metaphorical boat ... :) My subconscious is a bit surprising. Why am I worried about missing boats? Cause the crush has ended as quickly as it began. The man is married with children.

I've noticed this about myself, if the object of affection is 'reserved', he's forgotten somewhat quickly. Not because he is not interesting, just that it's not an option. The more 'reserved' the faster things get closed. Strange I think... but morally defensible.

And then there was...

The past week and a half has been a bit crazy. I was in the US last week and had fun, but slept badly. I managed to exercise though, so that was very good. I got back on Sunday, which was a remarkably crappy day due to jet lag. Monday I went to work and managed quite well, in the evening I found out that my aunt had passed away. She was very ill, bed ridden and had Parkinsons, so couldn't talk, couldn't move, nothing. It is a good thing that she is no more, but she was my aunt. Endless summers of my childhood were spent with her and I miss her. I messaged SO to tell hem, and he messaged back and forth a bit. I was a bit hurt that he couldn't call.

Monday night I slept very badly and on Tuesday I found out that I had to travel again on Wednesday. Domestic only, so no real stress, but just the packing, catching a flight... irritating. So here I am now, in another city. And what happened? Yesterday I got to the office, walked in to the relevant meeting room, and fell for one of my colleagues. It's a weird crush, I can't explain it. I guess I could explain it as missing SO, but it's a very interesting experience. I've spoken to him before, but very little. And here I am, crushing away!

We'll see when this ends.

Looking for Romance

Life and love... I'm in a strangely philosophical state about both. I don't know what it is, but just thinking generally about the nature of both. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love again. I notice that life is also similar. People are born, they live, they die etc. Some times during this very life time, they are born again. They go through dramatic transformations which make other people that know them wonder who they are. That make their loved ones wonder if they're the same person. That make their lover wonder if this is the one they fell in love with.

I'm going through a slightly transformational phase with regard to my body. I'm trying to eat more healthy food and live a generally more healthy life. This has made me tend towards vegetarianism and get a bit militant with exercise. It's been just 5 weeks, and I've missed as often as I've hit, but I could sense some fear. Fear when I said, I may become vegetarian from the inside out.

Whether I will become vegetarian remains to be seen, but it got me evaluating people and changes that people go through. You can't base your decisions on a person based on what they told you two years ago. But can you constantly poll them? Do you say, these issues are still important to me, what do you think about them now? For instance, it's important to me to maintain a healthy life style, what do you think? And if the answer has changed since you first heard it... do you say stop, this is not what I signed up for? Do you then renegotiate the terms of your being together? How does it all work?

I was reading about this author, I've clean forgotten his name, but I'm sure Google will help me find him. David Sedaris. The only things I remembered about him are that he is gay, lives in Paris, and has recently been 'discussed' for his non-fiction being over embellished. Anyway, what struck me about what he said about his boyfriend:

"In his case, he writes, Mr. Hamrick annoys him by walking too quickly, leaving Mr. Sedaris to scuttle, bewildered and lost, in his wake. But then he remembers that Mr. Hamrick does all the couple’s paperwork, and handles all the money, and fixes all the broken appliances, and negotiates all the day-to-day living, and how happy he is when he finally spots Mr. Hamrick again."

So which of this is important? The division of labour between the couple? Or the feeling of joy when he finally spots his boyfriend again? Are both equally important? Would he stop caring about the division of labour if he was no longer happy at spotting the man again? I think that's the key. To all lasting relationships, the key is to be able to smile every time you think of the person you love. Parents have that with children most of the time. Spouses have it with each other in the honeymoon phase. Then they have to work hard at maintaining it. How? That's a brilliant question. That's one that has me twisted in knots. This is probably also the source of all pre-wedding jitters and cold feet.

You cannot know for sure, ever, that for the rest of your life, you will smile when you see a particular person. You cannot know that even though they make you furious today, tomorrow you will be besotted again, wondering how you could have ever harboured a mean thought about them. So what then is marriage? The belief that no matter how bad things get, this person has the qualities that will make you forgive them everything, everytime? And then what if this person changes?

And in all this, what is romance? What is that spark that the various movies have... that make us feel that this man and this woman, who appear to have nothing in common, will make it to a happily ever after?

Hi, I'm A and I'm an Incurable Romantic

I've noticed this about myself in the past, but thought I was over it. I used to get excited at weddings and love watching romantic comedies. I thought I'd grow out of it in time but now I'm learning to accept it.

What is really weird is not that I'm this way, but that I'm also very cynical about the world in general. I try to believe the best of people, but I know that people are people. I know that when times get tough, most people quit. I know objectively, that a movie is a tiny chunk of a fictionalised set of occurrences in some people's lives. I know that some movies even romanticise love too much, leading to a bunch of impossible expectations.

I know all this, and still when I see SO, my stomach moves around a bit. I know that real life and real love are remarkably hard work, and still (unless we're fighting a lot), I'll take all that hard work to have some time that I can snuggle into him and feel that absolute peace.

No Wonder!

For anybody that cares to notice, I started another blog regarding my aim of losing weight. Well, more about getting healthy really. Now I know why I needed to. I'm middle class Indian and am eating too much, see? For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, over the past few days, Condoleeza Rice and President Bush have suggested that improving nutrition in India is responsbible in some part for price rise in the world.

:) So now I'm watching what I eat so the starving masses in America don't feel so bad. Maybe for my children, it won't be that there are starving children in Africa, but that there are starving children in the US?

Today...

I am not a happy person. I'm functioning normally. Nobody around me knows, but I don't want to go home. I'm depressed and really don't want to meet SO. I mean, I want to meet him, but I'm angry with him. And he doesn't seem to care.

Why am I angry with him? Because he doesn't understand me, but won't take the trouble to do things that I request. I know that sounds weird. I mean, he doesn't understand why I like things a certain way. Fine, I get that. But it's important to me that they be done that way, so if it doesn't hurt him, couldn't he just do them that way? Do we have to go into 'why' every single time? Can he genuinely not see the why? To me the why is logical. The most fights we have is because I don't like waste, and it doesn't affect him much.

I guess what depresses me is that I feel very strongly about it. I just read that poor in India are getting less and less food. In my own country. So how can I order more than I need? In cities itself, there are issues with water, so how can I use more than I need? To me, these are matter of fact. They are not debatable - waste is wrong. Is this a bad principle? Am I asking for too much?

So the things that upset me are, opening taps too wide when washing hands, washing vessels etc. Letting water run when not necessary, using more gas than necessary, ordering more food than you can eat. I guess the 'necessary' part is where the main difference is. What he thinks is necessary, I think is too much. I try not to crib, but it genuinely hurts me. What's worse is, sometimes I get depressed that it doesn't even matter to him. Not the hurting me part, but the waste part. We live in the same world. We are exposed to the same poverty around us, and it doesn't matter to him.

What set it off was that yesterday, he'd made rice in the pressure cooker. Not bad in itself. But he used the biggest available vessel for that. We have normal sized vessels, that would have comfortably held the amount of rice he wanted to make. So I asked him to use smaller vessels. I was tired and hungry and really didn't want to eat rice (cause I prefer not to eat rice at night). So I was making my own meal. He asked 'why'. I snapped.

I understand that the situation arose more out of tiredness and hunger, but I'm still angry. I couldn't apologize last night and I didn't even want to share a bed with him. I'm still angry and don't want to talk to him. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I want him to understand.

And it hurts that he's never going to.

The worst is, I don't know what to do about this. I can get beyond yesterday, beyond his not wanting to make amends in any manner. But I can't get beyond the fact that this is important to me. Trying to make the world a better place in small ways is important to me. He doesn't get this, but he does manage to mock me and pick holes in my attempts. I know I'm being petty, but so is he at times.

I've prayed for strength on this many times, and I'm going to continue to pray. I love him, very much. When we're making sense to each other, we have a great time. But when this happens.... throws me off.

Phoenix Squeaking

The urge to write has struck again. Oddly actually. Just a few days ago I was thinking that I've stopped writing. Partly due to not having anything to write about, partly due to not having an audience. But then, as usual, I need to write for self.

Last year was a nice roller coaster. This year promises to be much of the same. I think I did a New Year post at the beginning of 2007 but don't really want to visit it now. I know that life went on that year. I know that my job went on, went pretty well actually. I'm happy and confident and pretend to be overworked :) That's the best way to be, pretending to be overworked. I think in the past year, I came to terms with my work and my role. I didn't always want to do what I'm doing now... i.e. this profession. I wanted to be in a very different line when I was much younger. However, in 2007, I figured that I really enjoyed what I do, I'm good at it and with the right level of support, I can do a good job. I'm not a star, but I'm nice :)

That's my consolation for not being a genius. See, if I was a genius, I would be nasty, cause I woudn't have much patience with mere mortal's inability to understand. But being a mere mortal myself, I'm patient and nice. I guess a large part of my role, and my new job (new from November 2006) has been to understand a situation and communicate it clearly. The people I'm explaining to should ideally already know the situation but often don't. The ones that do are a pleasure to work with, we're all on the same side then. But the ones that don't fight the other side's battle first. It's a challenge to convince them, without getting hyper agressive. My new job has helped in this a lot, by providing me information. Now, I understand properly myself, and therefore can explain without too much stress.

On the personal front... I guess a lot happened. I got married, for one. Did that change anything? Not really. Having known SO for a bunch of years before we got married means that there's no real 'newlywed' time. But there is still a lot of adjustment regarding new family and stuff. Stuff that I honestly didn't think I'd need to deal with, but have managed reasonably well. Sometimes I'm not very interested in being a good girl, but I'm still not rude or nasty or even bad. Just a little less gracious than I would be otherwise.

At some level, I find it irritating being a daughter-in-law. Like I find it irritating to be a daughter. The 'duty' is a chafing leash, but one that's on for life. The Daughter Leash was one that I was born with, the Daughter-in-Law one, I chose. :) Serves me right what? It's not like there are some weird demands, just that there are demands, when I'm not ready for them or not in the best mood to deal with them. But still... duty right?

Turn Turn Turn

It's really strange. I want to blog about this but... I went for a wedding reception yesterday. The bride was my classmate in college, the groom two years my senior. The groom and I worked together at my first job. The groom was my first boyfriend. I had a half boyfriend before him, and he and I didn't last very long, just about a month... but there you have it.

I fell in love with him at some point, we went around shortly after that, and we broke up shortly after that. About 6 months afte we broke up, I started seeing SO. It's not the history of the relationship that I want to write about. It's about the guy I knew, and, due to pride... now know no longer.

Well, maybe pride is a harsh word, more like self-preservation. Even when he and I were seeing each other, he was seeing the girl he eventually married. They were not in any real relationship as they were in different cities and she was seeing someone else, but they were definitely emotionally engaged. One of the reasons I broke up with him. Yes, I broke up with him. Because I was (and am) a total romantic, and I could see that though he liked me very much, his love was reserved.

I've not met him in ages. I've not spoken to him in almost as long, but whenever we get around to talking, it's for hours. He was in some ways, the most gentle person I knew. Not in terms of thoughts or actions, but in general. He was accepting of anything. He had his bad points for sure, but I don't want to think about those for now. What struck me when I saw him yesterday was that my first boyfriend had got married to a woman he's loved for a long time :) Made me quite happy. And made me remember the time I spent with him.

That led me to the time when I met SO and fell in love and all of that. We've been together quite a while now and have quite a while to go, but it was nice to reminisce. It was so nice, in fact, that I was much nicer to SO than I normally am when he came back at some un-Godly hour and woke me up. But that's a different story...