The Fine Balance

There's a book, isn't there? Rohinton Mistry I think - called A Fine Balance. I've no idea what it's about.

Just that I'm in office today and have no inclination to work, but have a bunch of stuff. Some of it is not hard work, just high visibility. So, though I don't really care, and can't get it really wrong... I also cannot put it off.

My heart is paining and my mind wants to sleep.

In the middle of this (need for a vacation basically)is my personal desire to have a child. A desire that I believe my husband subscribes to. One that requires participation from both of us. The challenge of course is, the lives we lead and the way the system of conception works. A window of two days, alignment of items inside the body and alignment of stars and galaxies.

Given the challenges in my personal life, I'm not hoping for much. What challenges you ask? If I think over it, nothing in my personal life has come easily. I've had difficult relationships with myself, with my family, with SO... I've had a challenging time getting married... Why should having a child be any different?

The only area where I've had it relatively easy is in making friends. I have a truckload of em and I'm very glad. Not that it's simple to make and keep friends, just that it's not tied to my daily existence. It's not tied to my innermost feelings of worth and stuff. This is odd, I'll admit. The only places where it becomes tied to my idea of self-worth, is where I feel unattractive since I have several good male friends, who are purely platonic friends.

So... I'm worried about not having children, because I do want to get pregnant. I'm open to adoption, but I'm very worried about how the relationship with the husband will survive this. Survive my wanting to get pregnant and no efforts being made in that regard. Maybe it's true, we're degenerating into platonic friends as well...