Baby

When I was in my mid or late teens, I figured I wanted to have children. I think I've always known that I've enough common sense to be a normal parent. Added to that I had a dog around the same time, which is very much like having a very young child. A child that you can scare and scold but not one you can reason with. I still miss my dog greatly. But in addition, I'm now feeling these very strong maternal pangs. Biological clock, or whatever it is... it's causing me some grief.

So, in addition to feeling these pangs, SO and I are trying. I think we're both at the stage as well where we'd be able to handle parenthood and keep it together as people and a couple. But life/fate/God has other plans. I know a few folks who got pregnant at first try. I know others who didn't for a year, adopted a child, and now (2 years later) are pregnant. I also know that I have PCOS. I try to keep the weight under control but I'm a good amount overweight. I know that I should reduce weight, but I'm lazy and am averse to Gyms.

With all this, the trauma I'm facing is that I feel like a failure. Just, an outright failure for my body not doing what it is designed to do. I have my periods and stuff, but no pregnancy! Unfair I say, how can I have the downside without the upside? With modern technology and medicine, it's now possible to buy ovulation predictor kits so you can tell at home (without medical intervention) whether everything's working as it ought to. The answer to that question is remarkably painful for me. At a purely logical level, I know it's not the end of the world. If things aren't working as they ought to, I go to a doctor and ask if anything can be done without surgery or other medical intervention (and when they say 'lose weight' I'll turn a deaf ear). If the answer is probably not, then so be it.

I'd love to believe that I can live with 'so be it' but I know that I cannot. I know that 'so be it' will turn into adoption or having dogs or something... maybe plants?