The last post, though titled Motherhood, was triggered by a post by a mother-in-law, and for some time I've been wanting to write about in-laws. I know I've written a lot of stuff about this complicated relationship, but there's currently a little more.
Maybe there's no more, just that I want to understand a little more about what this relationship is to me. I'm a daughter who grew up in a cosmopolitan city with a liberal mother. I learnt to have opinions and speak my mind. I also have modified my relationship with my family to the level where I'm comfortable with it. As selfish as that is, what it means is that I get to interact with my parents on my terms. I meet them somewhat often, but I speak to them at length at least once a week. I also ensure that when I speak to them I'm as patient and tolerant as I can be. I also share and answer as much as I can. I make this statement because my parents, in an attempt to feel connected to me and my life, want to know how so-and-so is doing, how their children are etc., but usually forget what I say. Or I just don't want to tell them because it's none of their business or something. With advancing age, I do have a little more patience with my parents. And they've been my parents my entire life.
Which brings me to my in-laws. They've been SO's parents all his life, but their relationship with me has been... patchy :) I won't repeat what I saw as slights, but there were a few. Added to that are personalities. It took me from adolescence to real adulthood (late 20s) to come to terms with my parents personalities. Probably the time it took for me to stop seeing them as rulers who knew all the answers, and get to know them as people. Which I do now. I'm not sure I know my in-laws as people yet, but that's growing a bit. I've spent a little more time with them this year, and before the year is out, would have spent a little more time. Incremental growth is better than none at all I guess?
I guess the issue with both parents and in-laws is the same. You may not like the personality, but they're yours for life. With parents, you've had your whole life to learn and adapt/adopt. With in-laws, it's incremental. Also, I'm trying to understand what the rules are. With my parents, I've felt free to tell them when I don't like something they've said or done, for the past 5 or so years. I'm nice about it, I try to use humour and sensitivity, sometimes I fail, but I try. With in-laws, I don't yet have that relationship... what if I never do?
As with everything I do, let me try and flip this around. Say I have a son who gets married and his wife is not enamoured with stuff that I do. How would I like it handled? I'd like to believe that I'll have a close and honest relationship with my children, but realistically, that kind of relationship will only exist when they're adults. So if I do turn out to have the average, speak to you once a week relationship with my son, I'm guessing it won't be closer with his wife. In which case, I would probably appreciate it most if she said nothing at all, unless whatever it was, was driving her so insane that just telling my son is not enough.
Which means that it's the son's lot to be a buffer, whether he likes it or not. I try not to make SO that and encourage all my friends to vent with their girlfriends, rather than with their husbands, because it's rather cruel. The man may understand, may even sympathize, but can't do anything at all. And if the venting is regular and even slightly justified, he feels worse and worse.
How did it work before do you think? Did joint family daughters-in-law get together and discuss how things were different in this one? How people have their quirks and the best way to handle them? From serials and stories, it kind of appears that the mothers-in-law were cruel and the daughters-in-law bore whatever was meted out. Sons and husbands don't feature, or if they do, it's as mute and tortured spectators. Maybe there is some truth to the whole 'syndrome' and I'm being ambitious in thinking I have a solution.
Though I do think I have a solution, it's called mutual respect.
No comments:
Post a Comment