I'm in a meeting on a Sunday afternoon. The discussions going on don't interest me in the slightest so I'm listening to music. It's strange when there is a room full of conversation going on that you cannot hear. And what you're listening to flits across your face. I wonder if anybody else is looking at me, so I look up. I catch your puzzled eye, wondering what I'm thinking. Why I look excited, then wistful, then the secret smile.
The world is a scary place, we're so much 'out there'. I give my all to my work and the people I work with - well, if I like them. I don't lie, I don't hide, I don't pretend. I expect the same from them and most often I get it. Scary because if we're seeing each other more than family... we become closer to each other than family sometimes. This is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.
Its at times like this that I miss SO a great deal. I don't want other people knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, trying to keep me entertained or cheer me up when I've had a rotten day. So far, I've managed to not let that happen, but this week was bad. A few days ago, I was very unjustly accused of not doing my job well enough. I was wounded, to say the least. I had to keep a professional air about it and I did for the most part. I cried my eyes out. But my colleagues didn't see that part (well not everybody). I could have looked to my colleagues, and if I was angry with SO for being distant I might well have, for support and reassurance.
This time, given the way I'm feeling about SO, I walked away, called him and bawled like a baby. It was amazing how much I cried, first time I've ever cried like this about work. Hopefully the only ever time. I've been upset because of mistakes I've made, but not offended violently because of an undeserved comment.
I miss my husband!
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