Being a Person

So... I clearly read a lot, and now there are blogs galore to read. One that makes me rather depressed is IndianHomeMaker's blog. That in this day and age, educated people should think and act like the email writers and some  commentators on that blog make me sad. However, the one message she drives home strongly is that patriarchy is alive and well, and that it impacts men as well as women. I didn't believe that till earlier this morning.

What was I doing earlier this morning? I was thinking about 'male' and 'female' roles and how in patriarchy, the roles are important, not the individual. So as long as there is a woman to cook and clean, whether she is a cheerful person or has love in her heart does not matter. Similarly, as long as there is a man to till the fields and father the children, it does not matter whether he cares about his children's likes and dislikes, or his wife's backache.

By reinforcing any type of gender stereotype, we make it ok for people not to think about who they are, and who they want to be. It becomes alright for a man to say 'I go to work, bring home the money and pay the bills, I demand that the children keep silent and my wife cook food to my liking daily.' We do not stop to ask him whether he would want his children to keep silent for a while because they see that he is tired, and instead of shouting around him, they press his legs or shoulders. Or whether he would prefer his wife cooks food out of affection and not fear. Why? Because this would mean he has to do more, he has to invest himself, he has to think about what kind of person he wants to be.

Specifically I was thinking about what 'liberated' women mean to men. A woman like me who has an independent income and brain, do I really need a man? The simple answer to that question is no. I do not need someone to fulfill traditionally male roles in my life. What I need, or more accurately, want for myself, is a partner. Someone who will be a part of my life, not to share tasks (though that will also happen) but to share my life. As I will share their life. Someone who wants to make a life and future with me, not just share chores and bills.

And yet, as we consistently raise boys to think about growing up, getting a job and 'providing' we forget that they need to be people. They need to have a personality, and if they have a choice about being in a relationship, and about what kind of person they want to be in that relationship. This is what patriarchy does to men, it places no importance on them being a person.

An Epiphany of Sorts

I have mentioned before that when I begin to feel depressed about the state of things, I begin to day-dream. This only happens with my personal life, and has been something that I have done from adolescence, so I suppose it's more a habit or a pattern than something useful/meaningful. Today though, I was thinking about a perfect future with a gorgeous man (specifically Vidyut Jamwal) and I realised that difference between this perfect future and my current life is not the man, but the way the man makes me feel.

Why this? Because in all my day-dreaming of another man, the man is not perfect. He has his everyday faults, like he chews with his mouth open, or is short tempered, or leaves stuff lying around. But when he looks at me, his face shines with love. When he has an opportunity to touch me, he does. And in the extended version, he is as excited as me when we get pregnant and cries with me when we hug our baby.

Part of the challenge I think, is that I am a romantic, and maybe the right fit is for romantics to hang out with each other. Because non-romantics, or should we call them realists, don't understand what the fuss is about. The fuss is about the other person. Showing them regularly how special you think they are, and being made to feel special yourself, because the other person also thinks you're special.

I guess the reason I'm upset is because none of this is new, it's stuff that I have said repeatedly, so much that mentioning these things irritates the SO because I am nagging. And not mentioning them means that I have to think about Vidyut Jammwal... 

Indians and Affection

I'm trying to get healthy again and like listening to the radio when I walk. The other day, this rather old song came on. Neele Neele Ambar. Beautiful song, but the lyrics are all about how the singer yearns for someone... basically about sex then. And through time, I've listened to lyrics of Hindi songs and they tend to be about sex. Seems like we don't want to talk about it, but we are very happy to sing about it.

What we won't talk about, sing about, or accept in public, is anything to do with affection. Any public display of affection somehow is treated as being 'against Indian culture'. So are we then an affection-less culture? Or is affection only meant to be shown behind closed doors? Also, doesn't this separate sex from affection?

I have to now tell myself that my parents showed affection by fighting with each other. They squabbled (and continue to squabble) incessantly and it was very wearying for me. I was a sensitive child and raised voices grated. I also did not notice signs of support or affection between them. There were no spontaneous hugs and I didn't understand the dynamic i.e. that my mother could go work in another city or study further was a show of support. I suppose I didn't see how it could be any other way.

Maybe it was just me, but growing up, the bonds of affection with my parents were not formed, or were broken during adolescence. Now, my father feels bad that he does not have an affection based relationship with his children, but from the point of his children, he didn't actually show us much affection. Is it that parental affection usually takes the form of buying stuff for children?

Why am I looping on this? Because SO and I probably have different ideas of how affection is expressed. I like a little physical expression every now and again, for SO, it's good that I cook and clean. I'm being very basic about this, but this is probably the correct articulation. For cooking and cleaning, you can hire someone, I expect more from a long-term loving relationship. But for him, maybe this is what being cared for feels like. Maybe he never saw the 'adult' version of being cared for or had no notion from books and stuff of what it was supposed to feel like. And maybe I'm wrong about what it is supposed to feel like too...

Chipped...

I wanted to title this post 'Broken' but I'm not broken. I am though, slightly chipped today. I am feeling uncharacteristically fragile and am attributing it to PMS. Why am I feeling fragile? Because I am feeling taken for granted all over the place. My usual 'therapy' for this is to day dream, but for a change, in my current day dream I felt incredibly insecure which has messed with my mind, threatening to push me into a blue funk. I've just changed the music I am listening to and have decided to create a short list of tasks for today, focus on those and then overdose on chocolate in all its forms.

Me and Us

Personhood and relationships are fluid concepts. I've been various people in my life and I think I'm now at the stage where I'm happy with me. There are a few things I could do differently, mostly related to exercise and engaging with family, but I'm happy with the person I am most of the time. I also find that I've chilled out a lot in terms of expectations of other people and the world. I suppose the past few years have been all about learning that my opinions are mine alone, and not right or wrong. The way other people's opinions are theirs, and may have to do with me, but do not impact me, and are certainly not right or wrong for me.

I read a book yesterday, 'Absent in the Spring' by Mary Westmacott, which was a pseudonym that Agatha Christie used, to write novels. This is the story of a lady who got married and had three children, and took no trouble to understand either her husband or her children. Who did not learn what happiness meant and certainly did not support her husband or children in their quest for happiness. The husband is the sensitive person in the family, understanding and supporting his children, and where required, showing them the errors of their ways. I cannot recall whether he tried to explain anything to his wife, but it feels now like he did not. He assumed that she would understand when he said he was unhappy with his work. That she would understand how important it was for him, as a person, to be fulfilled with what he does most of the time. It was not remotely important for her, her life was about duty, and she did that admirably.

In the story, she has a 'revelation' of sorts, where she realises that she has been blind to the people in her life, and she understands that it is all the worse that she subjected them to this because she actually loves them. If she didn't, then one could understand the punishment, but to persecute the ones you love... is beyond cruel. The ending is completely believable, and the lead up to it is clear, moments of revelation are wonderful, what matters is what you do post that.

Why did I segue into this story? When we were going for counselling, one day the discussion was about SO and this 'wall' he has built to keep intimacy somewhat at bay. The wall was what disconcerted me, because I could never hurt him. That day, he understood and felt. There is one moment that stands out in my memory, when he looked at me and really, truly, felt. He felt love and remorse and I could see it. And then he decided that the wall was going to stay. It worked for him, and isn't that what matters?

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact, and it is a fact, that SO and I will not have children. Why? Because he cannot wrap his mind around not actually having them. By the time he wraps his mind around this, I will be too old to have them. I understand this, and it makes me sad. What I also realise is that having children is a serious expression of my personality. I know I will be good at this. My children will not always love me, but they will be secure, confident human beings and hopefully will understand that being kind and respectful to/of everything and everybody is the most important thing. I still talk of them as if they will exist, my children, because, though I understand that they will not exist, I have not yet fully accepted this.

I also realise what this means for SO and me. It means that he will lose me. The person that I could have been, will not exist. This is a choice I am making because the choice is between leaving SO and trying to achieve this person, the mother that I will be, or staying with the SO and not being a mother. And I have decided that the person I am, the person I want to remain, cannot do this. He is a good man, he just does not understand what this means to me. I can explain, I can rant, I can sob, but I cannot make him feel what I feel. And he does not do empathy like I do, so unless he feels, he cannot process this.

I also do not want to be a person who has an affair. I know this. So where does this leave me? Enjoying all the children I meet short term. I met my friend's boys last weekend and they are so wonderful it's awesome. I look forward to having my own relationship with them, quite separate from my friend and know it will be rich and rewarding.

So, I know where and who I am now. I also have a sense of 'us' currently, though it's a painful, thorny time for us, whether the SO knows this or not. I also will probably resent that he doesn't see what happens to me around children, how I focus on them, how I light up... and how he is being more than cruel because he actually loves me and he is doing this to me. And then he will do something else, like iron my clothes or buy me cupcakes and I'll know that we will be alright.

Is this Forever?

I'm wandering through my life, not inspired by my work, wondering what it's about. Is there a tipping point? When you go from being a spectator, learning about stuff, doing stuff the way you are told, to becoming a teacher, teaching people? Am I there already?

I asked for a change of role so I got to learn about a new side of my organization, there is stuff to be learnt there but I haven't dived in yet. I'm yet to immerse myself in that learning experience, if you will. I'm doing some lawyering for them and am not sure if the lack of enthusiasm and inspiration is just because I've not been immersed in the learning, or because there is very little learning to be immersed in here. So... I'm waiting and watching to see how this evolves. I'm also a tad overworked as I continue to do my old role, though for a week now, I have had the ability to hand it over, I just haven't. This week I'll get that done.

And then there's my family life. Or lack thereof. We're in some kind of a rut, SO and I. I'm very happy with him, he's being a fabulous partner, but we've not made any progress on children. Which means my day to day life is very very lonely. This, the loneliness, hit me a little earlier today. I realised I have a great life, but an extremely lonely one, with apparently no scope of improvement, because we're not moving forward towards children or pets or anything. I could go to office more (I work from home a lot) or socialize with more people in the complex where we live. I could, but I really don't want to. Maybe I need a few more friends in my life? The reason I'm not thinking too hard about making new friends is because it's a temporary thing. SO is currently working on some projects with weird timings. He comes home well past midnight each day, basically arriving and leaving on the same day. This is apparently going to continue for another month or so, and may also include a trip for work. My working day is pretty much in my own time zone, so I have to start in the morning and am done by evening. When SO is not on weird projects, he's home by 8:00 p.m. and we have an evening together. I know I will always want to spend time with SO, so I'm not sure I want to start finding friends or things to do in the evening when I'll have to stop that as soon as SO has free time again.

Am I unhappy with myself? Only in the sense that I'm not able to change this situation. But I don't really want to. SO is being good and kind, we're being friendly and nice to each other. There is real love here, just a constant feeling of what next, and this realisation that my daily life is very lonely.

I think I've to find a joy in cooking, so I'll have a more fun time in the evening with myself and not poison myself by eating badly otherwise (no inspiration for meals for one).

Liquid Love

I once met a cocktail I fell in love with. It was called a Rusty Nail and is whiskey based, my then 'new favourite' alcohol. Over time the places where I could get a Rusty Nail changed, and due to the paucity of Drambuie, disappeared altogether.

I got healthy, drank less, stuck to beer in social situations, and started ignoring my favourite alcohol, whiskey. It made me mellow but also dehydrated. I travelled for work recently and found Drambuie at Duty Free.

And I have found my liquid love. It's like the Bombay Sapphire of whiskeys, smooth, tasty... Home. I feel oddly comforted, I should watch it!

Being an Adult

See, when I was younger, I couldn't wait for this time. When I was the boss, when nobody could tell me what to do. I knew it was going to be better, how could it not? I would be in charge, I would be the boss of me! What I did not know in my still childish innocence, is the pain that comes with being an adult.

What is this pain I speak of? The pain of knowing that people are. When you are a child, you are told that you have to try, try to study harder, to overcome your meaner impulses, to be kinder, to be more patient, the never-ending list of self-betterment. Every child is told this, and most try. Some adults continue to try, but as I've seen with my parents, they ultimately reach a stage where they are able to take comfort in 'being this way'. When I was growing up, coming to terms with my adult-hood, and making peace with the knowledge that I will probably be taken advantage of because I am deciding to do the right thing wherever possible, I thought that at least all other people do what they think is right.

Now? Now I've learnt that people do what they want. Either just after or just before they've done it, they justify it to themselves as it being the right thing to do, if they think about it. But for the most part, they just do. And this is what pains me the most. The realisation that people are by and large thoughtless, and by being thoughtless, are excruciatingly hurtful. I used to feel that hurtfulness with thought was bad, bordering on unforgivable, but now I feel that thoughtless hurtfulness is much worse, because it is so much more common. Insensitivity is what it is, and unacceptable is what it should be.

Why am I ranting on and on about this? Because as an adult, I am witness to adult relationships. Marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, all of which work with thoughtfulness, communication and mutual respect, and all of which fail without.

Maybe I will be the intolerant parent who punishes my child more harshly when they do something without thought than when they do the wrong thing with thought. 'What were you thinking?' being my most favourite question and 'I wasn't', being an unacceptable response. But on further thought, I will be setting this poor child up to believe that the world is full of thoughtful human beings, who know, like and respect each other, and take trouble not to hurt those who love us.

Accepting that the world is not full of thoughtful human beings, being hurt because of it, feeling the pain of my friends and family, and choosing to be a thoughtful human being anyway ... this is me being an adult.

And for my friends who have been hurt by the thoughtlessness of their lovers, I apologise for these excuses for humans. From the depths of my heart, I am sorry that you had to bear this pain. 

Spicing it Up?

I mentioned some time ago that this year, somehow, my angst about sex in my relationship has waned. It's not like my desire has waned or my willingness, just my angst about SO and me has waned. It has puzzled me a bit and it turns out that I feel it's become a bit stale.

I don't think I will find the right words to express this, it's a complicated situation. I've changed in some ways, what I enjoy has changed, but he doesn't see it. I've also changed in why I want sex, or more importantly, why I don't want it. I want intimacy. I want to be completely touched. I want it to be like when it's all new, when two people are discovering each other, when knees and elbows are new and surprising, when you don't know what tickles and what titillates , what calms and what teases... I guess I want to be loved.

That's not to say that SO doesn't love me, I've never been more sure that he does. I guess it's just how he chooses to express it. He is much more sensitive towards me and accepting of my quirks regarding affection/demonstration.

Can I distill this down to a few basic points? Yes. Do I want to do anything about these basic points? I'm not sure. One of the 'issues' is that I'm not as active as I was a while ago, so my self confidence is down, and if I initiate and he rebuffs, I feel rotten. Something that I have stopped allowing myself to feel.

In the long run, is this a problem? I don't know. I'm mainly concerned about what will happen if another man shows interest in me. What I do know about myself is that I enjoy sex. I am not sure I want to write it out of my life altogether, but as with everything else in a marriage, it's a two person thing. And like everything else, we need to communicate about it. Given that my current topic of communication is children, I guess I can see why I'm not incented to bring this one up.

I Vent to Heal

So... I know that I blog to get stuff out of my system and I find it awesome almost, that I almost never blog about work. In retrospect, it's because I was a small fish in a large pond. I did what I was supposed to, I chugged along, but now things have changed.

Why now? In 2009 we did a lay-off, people in my department who had been with the organization 14-15 years were offered a retrenchment package. Several of them weren't really given a choice, and most of them were horrified. They weren't sure what they were going to do, the company had become their world, almost home if you will. Familiar faces, places, structures... gone. Some time later, we did a restructuring. Moved people around, created positions, put people in them, etc. Again, I was a minnow, quite unaffected by the restructuring, not seeing what it meant.

Now, I'm a slightly bigger fish, with thoughts about my future in this organization, and we've just done another round of lay-offs and a restructure. People who came to see the organization as their home, gone. People I met and enjoyed meeting, gone. And the moves that have been made, were made without interviews or even announcements. They were hand-picked for their positions.

I'm horrified, and not sure what this means for me. Do they expect that I will wait to be hand-picked? Do I call them out and ask for an explanation? Do I stay quiet and start looking at my options? Is this what they intended? To make people nervous, unsure?

Marriage

It's now been about a month since my in-laws visited and I had several 'discussions' with the SO about stuff. To his credit, he has been quite understanding and maybe next time things will be different. I also have been speaking to a friend who lives with her in-laws, and while I felt for her, true empathy came that week that my in-laws visited.

I read a lot of posts on IndianHomeMaker about women who live with their in-laws and stuff and found a few with 'advice' for in-laws like http://phoenixritu.wordpress.com/2008/07/07/the-tyranny-of-being-a-mother-in-law/ in this time and I'm incredibly ambivalent. Many years ago, I was sure I had the answer, that it was mutual respect. What I did not understand then though, is that not everybody is trying to be a better person. I'd like to believe that I am, and maybe I'm deluding myself, but now I've had to admit that most other people are quite happy with who and how they are. So they don't see why they should change or be different in any different situation.

In one of my discussions with the SO he asked why his mother should do something different here than in her own house, the only answer I had was that it's my house. His counter, and a reasonably valid one, is isn't it also their house? Yes, I would like them to feel comfortable, and I think I was reasonably good about it, but I probably wasn't. I'm willing to bet that my MIL felt more comfortable the last time they visited, when I was not here. I understand that, I even appreciate it, but I felt like I did not matter at all. Like my views and opinions on what to eat or buy or cook did not exist or matter. Maybe I was being hypersensitive, and I let it all go, because she was planning and cooking for her son, but the thing is, longer term, this will not be acceptable to me.

And it's always the little thing, like that she calls the place 'SO's house'. She means nothing at all by it, I know that, but it's not just SO's house, it's my house too. I said nothing about this to her or SO because I understand that she means nothing by it at all, but isn't that what sensitivity is? To think about what you are saying and realise that it might hurt somebody? At least that's what I learnt, not to say 'he' all the time in a general story, not to call certain jobs 'bad' or 'dirty' because that's associating a value with a task, which is inappropriate and unfair to the people that do that task. I also understand that not everybody thinks this way or feels this way, and I'm learning though, that I cannot tell other people that they need to behave a certain way.

So, the pathetic point I am trying to make is that a marriage is not just about two people. It is about two families, and the two families are not the same, just like the two people are not the same. The two people though, need to have excellent communication, a lot of trust, and a lot of love for each other, for the marriage to work, because the two families have to be managed. And managed by the person that was born to them. That is the way of the world, that is the only thing that family will accept.

What does that mean? Maybe now I can say treat your in-laws the way you'd like your SO to treat your parents. And maybe treat your DIL/Son-IL the way you'd like her/his in-laws to treat him? Practically, it would mean weighing things you say, to see how they would feel if said to your child by someone else. If you wouldn't like your child spoken to that way, don't say it. Similarly, if you wouldn't like your parents spoken to that way, don't say it. I think somehow SO and I have evolved ourselves to this level, because we can see how it feels. But we don't live with in-laws, neither him nor me.

SO has a cousin, she's lived with her in-laws through her 3 year wedding, and now she's leaving her marriage. Like all marriages, there have been ups and downs, but there have also been occasions of physical fighting. One, she admits, was quite mutual, with both fighting physically. Another incident was him hitting her. She's had enough, she wants out, and nobody is asking what he wants. His parents are speaking for him, insisting that divorce is the right option, so I guess nobody will be asking him anything any more. Her mother wanted our support in helping patch things up, but recent occurrences have suggested to her that it's best to end it.

From experience, I can say that marriages are fluid. I can say I have hated SO, I have loved him, I have been happy to be away from him and been miserable to be away from him, what has kept us together is that we both want to be together. And maybe that's what is important, love, trust, respect, and wanting to be with someone so much that you're willing to work on everything else.

Being a Woman in India

Since December 2012, there has been a lot said about women in India, men in India, growing up female in India etc. Some of it I agree with, a lot of it I don't. I will recognize, immediately, that I did not grow up in Delhi. I stayed in Delhi for 6 weeks at age 22 and the number of incidents of harassment I faced in those 6 weeks was bad, but not intolerable. I had to use more coping strategies than usual and I had to be more alert than usual, but I was not paralysed by fear. I also did not get PTSD.

On the contrary, I have, throughout my life, felt that I do not get noticed as 'female' much. I am not sure what it is, but people rarely treat me like a 'girl'. This was hurtful when boys that I had a crush on were not remotely interested in me, but I find it advantageous now, in the workplace, where my gender has become irrelevant, and in daily life, when I find I do not need to be anxious about strange men. Also, I am now old. In my mid-30s, I do not attract the kind of attention young women get, mostly for the beauty of their youth.

Have I been exempt from the various traumas of being a woman in India? Far from it, but the traumas were more personal. Like my family telling me that I have to clean up after the meal because I am a girl (extended family, not my own parents), like serving the boys when they eat and eating only after they finish. Maybe I've just forgotten, but I'm trying to remember a time when some public official failed to take me seriously because I am a girl. Maybe I just grew up in a polite city.

Though I must say, my city is a polite city. I have bought cigarettes and alcohol from regular shops, and while the vendors were not thrilled at the idea of selling cigarettes or alcohol to a girl by herself, they did not act as though I was 'loose'. Nor did their clientele. Are the men in my city angels? No, but by and large they are respectful. They look/stare, but in my experience, they have looked away when I noticed them staring. Also, I learnt that I have to continue doing what I want/need to do, irrespective of the staring. Eventually they get bored and move on.

I have travelled alone in India (admittedly not much) and have stayed in a semi-shady hotel by myself. The staff knew I was there by myself but I didn't face any trouble. Maybe it's an isolated incident?

I have also met incredible kindness from people, male and female. I have had punctures (bike and car) where random passers by have stopped to help me fix them, sometimes doing all the work and refusing any compensation. Merely to help, to gain karma I suppose.

What I find interesting is that I'm reviewing my life (so far) experiences of being a woman and I'm not afraid or scarred, and I'm wondering how that can be? Public opinion seems to be that it's vicious and brutal and ... scarring. But it's not. It does require courage, it requires awareness and alertness, it requires trusting that you can handle yourself and put up a good fight (probably helps that I'm significantly above average in height) should the need arise. Would it be better if I did not need these things? I don't think so. Growing up a woman in India has made me confident. 

Practico y practico

Tengo que mejorar mi Espanol, porque no estoy haciendo bien en la clase. Y porque yo escribo esta blog, estoy escribiendo este post en Espanol. Y porque yo quiero que esta es dificil para alguien a leer. Yo se que con google translate, no esta imposible, pero esta dificil, y esta es suficiente por ahora.

Hoy esta Lunes, yo estoy en oficina y estoy enfermo. No mucho enfermo, pero me duele la garganta y tengo un resfriado. Mi marido tiene la tos para una semana, y por eso, yo no puso duerme. Y mis suegros son aqui. Ellos llegaron del Sabado y estan con nosotros por una semana, hasta el domingo que viene. Mis suegros son muy buenos per... no son mis padres. Yo no conozco mis suegros como yo conozco mis padres. Eso es mi falta, yo no pase suficiente tiempo con ellos, yo se. Pero, mi suegra... no es como yo, o pues es exacatamente como yo. Eso yo no se.

Hoy, estoy muy cansado, y ahora estoy muy enfermo tambien. Yo oro que este tarde, ellos me deja paz y yo puedo dormir por muchas horas. Ahora, le duele mi espalda y no tengo energia para hablar con ella. Tampoco tengo energia para cocinar or participar en cualquier cosa.

iDios Mio! iSalvame!

Learning More about Myself

I knew it was going to be hard, but I did not expect this. My In-Laws are visiting for a week and I was nervous. Filled with some trepidation, because my house is not well organized, because I am not a great cook, and also because I find it hard to get along with my mother-in-law. She is a very nice person, but we are probably more alike than I would like to admit. In other words, she needs a lot of attention and what she likes to talk about is not what I like to talk about. She is also nervous around me, which makes her a little hyper.

The thing that I knew I would have to cope with is the kitchen ceasing to be mine. My Grandmother-in-law has, through years of experience no doubt, learnt how to share a kitchen, but her daughter has not. I knew I would have to relinquish, but I guess I was not prepared for how immediate and total it would be, or even how I would feel about it. I thought I would be fine with it, but no. Maybe I am just hungry...

Also, in contemplating why I am so on edge, I discover that I am still upset that last year, they chose to visit when I was not here, and more importantly, my relationship with SO remains shaky. I mean, we are fine, but he has no credit and everything his mother does to irritate me will be debited.  At least, I already realize this, so can try to be more charitable and can also tell him not to leave me alone with her just yet.

I expect that by the end of this week things will be better, I will have adjusted better etc., but I also expect that in this week, I will be blogging a lot more.

Movies...

I watched 'Snow White and the Huntsman' this weekend (on TV) and Chris Hemsworth consistently reminded me of Heath Ledger. Not the Joker, but the boy from A Knight's Tale. By the by, A Knight's Tale is one of my all time favourite movies, a simple story, but showing how the tournaments were like modern sport in their time. With people being painted in the colour of their favourite knight etc.. Maybe it was the period costumes, or the way they spoke, but the resemblance has stuck with me, and apparently I'm not the only one. A key difference though, is that while Heath Ledger was a few years younger than me, Chris Hemsworth is several years younger than me.

What I find weird though, is that it's just a resemblance, but it makes me fear for Chris Hemsworth. Like this resemblance is going to influence the way his life goes. He is a young man and has a brain I assume, so should be well able to take care of himself. Yet, I find myself slightly nervous, like he's heading inevitably to a state of unbalance.

I also watched Ra.One this weekend (end to end, something I've not managed before) and feel we must give credit to Akon. I'm sure he was paid well, but Shahrukh Khan struggled with his 'pretend' Tamil lines, while Akon has perfect diction in Chamak Challo. That shows a certain commitment to his craft, which I have to appreciate.

I also pondered about why we have very few disaster movies in India. In Ra.One, a train crashes into CST/VT, destroying the structure. We have several such iconic structures in the country, but as a culture, are we too superstitious to make movies about them being destroyed? Is it that our idea of entertainment does not involve doomsday scenarios? Is it possible that the ethos of the subcontinent does not include a doomsday? I'd say it's not, because all the main religions in the region (I don't know enough about Buddhism, Sikhism or Jainism) include the concept of the world ending. So why don't we have it in movies? 

Is it Age?

I'm now officially 36, not a big deal in itself, I'll confess. Sometimes I think about what I thought I would have 'achieved' by this age and 36 never actually featured as an age by which I would have achieved something. When I was in my teens, I think 30 was the number. As I grew older, while I had things I wanted to do, I never had a specific timeline.

What I'm intrigued by now, is how comfortable I am with myself. I like the person I am now, I like that I'm able to separate feeling from action and that I try to react appropriately, adult-ly even, whenever possible. I like that I'm beginning to approach the tipping point where I will soon know 'enough'. In other words, where people will actually look to me for guidance and opinions, not because I'm right, but because they value my opinion and potentially insight. I like that I have insight :)

When I was younger, I discovered points of view and perspective, or rather, how perspective works. There is a Calvin and Hobbes strip that resonates very strongly, about how your world view can collapse if you can actually see all points of view, and personally, I think that is a wonderful thing. There's a family situation brewing, and in discussing it with the SO, I described what I see as true empathy, which is being able to see a person for who they are, and to know how they would handle a situation, without value judgement. It sounds strange, but the point I'm trying to make is, that with true empathy, your 'self' is removed from the picture, the other person's motivations are unimportant. Their actions are important, and their feelings, which they are making clear, are important. Why do I feel this is true empathy? Because it is devoid of value judgement, you can look at this dispassionately and know that they feel and act a certain way, and it's not good/bad or right/wrong. It just is. This is very liberating, because it takes away any thought or feeling that people are doing something to upset you, or hurt you specifically, or that they have even considered how you will feel about it. It's also liberating, because I know that very few other people think like me, and that it's not bad/wrong to not think like me. It's hurtful to me, but it's not bad/wrong.

The other thing is about sex. It's now more or less an itch, that can be ignored for a while and scratched whenever I have the time. I still think it's not ideal, but maybe the making of the decision to stay with SO took way the discussion/option of leaving for someone with a higher sex drive. And with SO... I guess it's become intensely familiar. Not that it's a bad thing, but maybe I'm finally bored of it, so the physical urge is just that, an urge that can be managed. Maybe it's noteworthy that I'm calling the act 'sex' rather than 'making love' and that we're now so 'together' that 'making love' even includes hanging out with family, or making a meal, or watching a movie, or even just talking.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I firmly believed that sex was essential, but more because I wanted physical contact. I wanted to be touched and to touch. I can see that now, I absolutely could not then. Or maybe I'm deluded now... I can't tell which, but now, there's more general touching, like hugging or sitting close, and that feels like enough.

I also realise that my body gives back what I give it. If I nourish it well and exercise regularly, I have more energy, glowing skin and obviously, a more toned body. Which means if I'm serious about children, I have to be serious about taking care of my body. In the past two months (April and May) I've been very bad about food and exercise, and my energy levels have been ... low. Not non-existent, just low. And it's now obvious to me that it's a choice I have made. I won't have the energy of a 20-year-old, but I can have more energy if I take better care of myself. Which again, is not impossible, just needs better planning, i.e. keeping more vegetables around and taking the effort to cook and eat.

Life is. It will be exactly what you make of it, and I choose daily to make my life positive and happy.

Following a Thought

The rage has reduced a little and it may have been chocolate addiction. Whatever it was, I'm acutely conscious of being 'disturbed'. So disturbed in fact, that I want to crawl into a hole and hide forever and ever. Or go away on a holiday where nobody knows me and spend a lot of time with myself and by myself. It's odd, that in this disturbance, I don't want to flee from me. I want to flee from my life.

Or maybe it's not so odd. The last times I had this feeling is when I made serious mistakes at work. I wanted to quit and run and hide. I didn't though, I worked through the mistake, did what I could to fix it and moved forward. Is that what I'm feeling now? That I've made a mistake?

The current disturbance is due to something that's become more and more painful with time. Children. I want them. For the past month or so, I'll be doing something, like drinking water, or watching TV, or walking, or driving and I'll think 'I want children'. It's moved well past a shadowy 'sometime in the future' to a 'now'. I've told myself many times that 'I want' is bad attitude. It's an expression of ego, which is selfish. Maybe my ego is bigger than I can handle? Maybe everything is going well enough that I think this should be too?

The thing is, this - children, is not in my control, but it is in our control as a couple. And it may be that I feel that I've done everything to achieve what SO wanted, been a very supportive girlfriend and spouse, and he's not doing the same for me. I feel this specially, today. Why specially? Because for a few days, I've been thinking about whether I want to pursue fertility options (IVF etc.) or adopt. Being in India, you would think it would be easy to adopt, and maybe it is, but it's also a time and money commitment, and then a wait. The wait can be anything from a few months to a few years. And for all of which, I want a partner. I want someone who is working through the issues and decisions with me.

Yesterday, I found a few online quizzes about whether I was ready to adopt and took them. I also had SO take them. One issue that they ask all adoptive parents to consider is whether you've accepted infertility, or in other words, whether you still hope that you'll get pregnant. I do. Mainly because I think I want to be pregnant. I want that experience for myself, but I also want to be a parent, and every so often the scale tips more to being a parent. SO took the same tests/quizzes and he apparently has accepted infertility, and harbours no hopes of getting pregnant.

I understand why he may think/feel this way, but surely this is something we should have a common view on? What is the point of me tracking my cycle, telling him when the time is right, fighting and crying about his 'interest' or lack thereof, if he's accepted that he is not going to father a child?

Also, he seems specifically blinded to one option, sperm donation. If it works, the resulting child would be related to me at least. I'll see myself, my parents, my brother etc. in him/her. Is that not desirable? Is it that he's decided that if he can't have children, I shouldn't as well? While I often think about this option, the logical follow through is considering if it makes sense to find a donor who is related to the SO, but that just starts sounding messed up. Asking someone (logically SO's brother) if he'd consider helping us have a child is... weird! Also, fortunately, SO's brother has just left the country for a long stint abroad.

The thing is, I'm still angry that I never seem to get anything my way in this relationship. I wanted to get married earlier, he didn't, we didn't. I want to have children, he didn't, we don't. And in each of these cases, it's not like he's saying 'no' upfront. If he did, I'd leave and build my life again. He keeps saying yes, but not now, yes but. I know it sounds like an exaggeration - not getting my way in anything. I suppose I've got my way in the house we live in (location) but it's a good decision. I also kind-of got my way in the car, but that was pretty much a joint decision and a good choice. What else? We've never had an issue of needing to live with in-laws, so no ways there. I will say, he's never tried to control my actions, and that is a big thing. It's big enough that a friend left her husband for the reverse. All my closest friends suffer from some amount or form of control, so this is a major plus. But on the minus side (shared by the friend who is now divorced from controlling) is the lack of ambition, lack of financial stability... leading me to feel ... insecure. And SO has been the cause for other insecurities for me as a woman.

I'm not saying he's a horrible person. He's not, just  that he doesn't know how to be my husband. That's something I've said before, and somehow, two months ago, he managed fine. So what's up now? Is he just more busy? Does he think that it's all fine now so he doesn't have to try anymore? Can he only do it for one month at a time? Should I negotiate for one month in a quarter? Is it worth negotiating these things? Shouldn't he feel like this, without being asked/told?

See, these kind of thoughts depress me. I feel unworthy and unloved. I don't like feeling this way, so try to divert myself, but this is a serious issue. One that comes up often too, so the correct answer is to talk about it, right? But can you talk someone into affection? Or attraction? I keep trying to distract myself, into telling myself that I have to do the right thing, and what he does is up to him. But now that makes me feel incredibly taken advantage of.

The other thing is, on the surface, we're fine. We know each other plenty well and can negotiate a life together easily. So if I ignore my 'disturbance', we can go weeks being superficially fine. But I can't ignore my disturbance, or at least not for too long. So I get grumpy, or sad, or fighty or something. And the cycle repeats. It's a cycle I hate, and I don't know how to break it. I think I need to see a counsellor again.

What's Up?

I've been in a rage the past few days. The only thing that keeps me on even keel is music. The slightest stupidity on the part of anybody else makes my blood boil instantly. It's making me an aggressive driver and a pretty rotten person.

I thought for a bit that it was just SO that I'm furious with, for a variety of reasons, but it's not just him. Last night, we were crossing a road and it pissed me off intensely that a two-wheeler, who had the rest of the road to choose from, was aiming for us. Made me angry, not just irritated. Today I drove in to work and man! Also, I came in to office to be social (i.e. hang out with my colleagues) but I really don't want to talk to the ones who are in office currently. I'm actively ignoring them and using music to drown out their voices.

I'm sure it's just PMS, but that's got to be wrong. Why is my PMS kicking my ass these days? I keep thinking I should exercise to keep it under control but I'm not remotely motivated enough and sometimes that pisses me off too. I'm a little scared, what if it's not PMS and it's me? Worse still, what if it is PMS and I can't manage it?

The End of the Wait

For me, at any rate. The wait w.r.t. Randall Munroe continues. For me, this time has shown that I need a healthcare provider, and that SO would like this as much as I would. He'll be a wonderful father too. So it's time for us to take the necessary steps to start a family, whether with our features, or just our nurturing. Doors opening and closing all over the place!

Time... Wait For It

Randall Munroe has a comic up, it's called Time (http://www.xkcd.com/1190/) the mouse over is 'Wait for It'. He's been continuing to post past this comic, but this one continues to evolve. And it's still saying 'wait for it' so I for one, am waiting. I'm sure it will be awesome.

I'm also taking this as a personal message, waiting for an outcome that I hope will go one way, but which might well go the other. The main highlights are that a friend's mother guessed that I might be expecting (because I looked incredibly tired... not sure if that's good or bad) and I've confessed my lateness to my mother and another friend. I have also made an appointment with a doctor for early next week. Why next week? Because this is a short work week, with SO's grandmother visiting us from Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon. I'm also meeting my cousin for lunch on Wednesday and a friend for a 'girl's spa day' on Thursday, so I don't want to add potential bad news or investigation to this week. I figure, if the period comes, it comes. If it doesn't come, then I'll have more to ask her next week. On a less flippant note, I could take another test, but I'm quite sure it'll be negative (so much for positive mental attitude), and I know I'd be upset by a negative... so this is what I'm going to do.

How do I feel? Tired most of the time, thirsty often (leading to the obvious, visiting the loo more often), my fingers are slightly swollen, I have a constantly slightly sore lower back, and my digestive tract isn't functioning as efficiently as it used to. Are these symptoms, sure, but they could be because I'm not sleeping properly because it's hot (and boy is it hot!). I'd like to believe, I talk to the 'baby' but I'm preparing for it not to be as well.

Still Waiting

Since I tested (only 2 days ago) nothing has changed. I'm all confused, not sure what to do, what not to do, who to tell etc. I did start multivitamins though, and (rather stupidly) with B complex. Too much vitamin B is the minor result of this adventure. Funny how quickly the body reacts to some stuff.

As Expected

I am not expecting. My period is not here yet, but it's probably a matter of hours now. I took a test (after holding out 4 days beyond the expected date of my period) and it's negative. I'm not devastated, I suppose mainly because this would have been a real miracle, and maybe I'm a little bit in shock, but maybe also the experience of being mother to my friend's baby for 5 months has made these little waits completely tolerable.

Fayakun :)

Edited to Add: I was all philosophical in the earlier part of this as it was morning. I woke up practically in the middle of the night (3 a.m), went back to sleep and woke up again at 4:30 a.m. That time, I told myself that since I was up, I should test. Last night, I strategised about how I would go about testing (no pee sticks, need a receptacle... sorry! I know it's TMI). Anyway, I tested, waited the appropriate amount of time, saw the 'Control' line and gave up. I went about my day and figured that my iron is low, which is also what could be causing fatigue. Dutifully, I also surfed the net for other people who were 'delayed' but had negative test results. I noted that several of them went back and looked at their tests hours later (gross you say?). I also noted that several hours have passed and my period is not here yet. Maybe tomorrow... maybe.

Though, I'm back home now, and true to gross form, I've re-checked and there is what would at least qualify as an evaporation line. So... I'm gross :)

Fayakun

As with everything, I would like very much to be able to control this. My period isn't here yet and I can't shake the feeling that it will be, so I want to hurry along to that outcome.  So I am blogging, to remind myself that the outcome will be what it will be. Every twinge has me nervous, every hour that passes makes me more nervous. I am trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that the answer will become apparent soon, and it will be as God wills it, not I.

:)

I'm probably kidding myself (hah!) but I don't care at present. This month, of all the months that we could have, SO and I genuinely 'tried'. We may have mistimed the trying, but we tried.

This month, of all the months in the past year, I've not had the type of PMS I usually do. I know it's contradictory, I should have more PMS symptoms, not less. I should be more realistic, and know that if it hasn't happened in all these years, it's not happened now.

And yet, I'm feeling slightly different. My body feels slightly different, I'm feeling more hopeful, and my requests to the universe for signs all have resulted in very positive signs. My period is due in the next few days. Till then, I'm going to remain hopeful. I'm going to smile enigmatically and talk to my uterus and to the little baby that I'd like very much to be growing there. 

Minor Ramblings

Price stickers and scabs, I like picking at them. In fact, that's how you can tell if I've read a book. The ones in my shelves that still have their price stickers on have not yet been consumed. What does that say about me I wonder? That I like a clean back of book? I also like an uncracked spine, feeling somehow a little more respectful of the book, that I'm not forcing it to submit to my will. The other thing it says about me is that I like books.

I also find that most of my friends, my good, close friends, like books. We read, we look for other people's stories, not, I assume, because our stories are not enough. Personally, it is to help my story become a happy ending. I have spent a lot of time with my own thoughts and found, at various points, that books are a distraction, a source of information, and occasionally a source of inspiration.It turns out, that my friends do the same. Why? Because we are constantly making sense of our world, or trying to. Why did this happen, why me, why not me, why do I feel this way, etc. Also it appears that not everybody is like us.

This blog is certainly my attempt to make sense of my world, and who knows, maybe portions of this will be introductions to my autobiography, or a set of essays or something. Always assuming that somebody else wants access to my thoughts.

At present, for some reason, I'm not at all keen on life. I want a long holiday. I want something violently different to look forward to, or to sleep in and do things on my schedule. Maybe will be dealt with by not going to office (i.e. working from home).

The SO and I... we're doing better. He's clarified that he wants to have children with me, but now I'm 36. I'm inclined to collect some money and start the adoption process, while we attempt to get pregnant without medical intervention. Let's see how it goes.

Growing Growing Older and Growing Up

There was a wedding in SO's family last weekend. I know the groom well and his wife is not Indian, so his family had some trouble with the concept. I'm the first girl in this generation of wives, who is not from their community, so I had a sense of what it would be like for her, and did reassure them, that the family is a good one. All well meaning and kind, they want to welcome, just that some of them don't have the words.

It's been a rough time with the SO and I told myself earlier that I'd let February go by completely, not let the bad days be deciding days. I thought that by the end of the month, I'd have a sense of whether I can let him go. The thing is, on the good days, he still won't do anything about having babies. On the bad days... To his credit, he is trying. He is kinder to me and slightly better at putting himself aside when I want something. But then came the wedding. The hardest part of this relationship for me, is that we know each other so well. We can live a very comfortable life without the relationship, but then what's the point, and what about babies?

The reason the wedding even features, is because now, 5 years into the marriage, I am as much a part of his family as he is. Whether it was because the family was trying harder for the foreign bride, or because the children in the family have grown older, more people spoke English now than at the time of my wedding. So that was more convenient and comfortable for me. Also, I've learnt enough of their language to communicate if I have to, but more importantly, to understand conversation without needing translations. In short, to be able to communicate. What this means is, that I actually cannot leave him. This entire family will understand if I say I have to, because he doesn't want children, but that's not the point. I can't actually leave them. So that's one decision made.

Personally, this wedding was ... special. Not because of the wedding, or the family piece, but because of one boy. He's a first cousin of the groom, so his father is SO's cousin. He's 20. I've seen pictures of him and thought he was hot. When I met him, I thought I'd be able to harmlessly lust after him, as some side entertainment at this wedding. He, on the other hand, began teasing me - asking me to serve him more/specifically etc., then being around me a lot, complimenting the way I looked, looking at me, for me a lot of the time. I was flattered. I still am. He made me feel very special. He's 16 years younger than I am, so I've no idea what he intended to do, and in typical fashion, am agonizing about just that. What did he mean, why did he ... This part of the post is my attempt to let go of the thinking and enjoy the way he made me feel. Very special. Thank you boy!

Evolving into Me

Yesterday was a ... strange day. I was reasonably good at work, but I was awful to SO in the morning, I was tired and snappy, but then I apologised and resolved to be better. Usually, he reacts by sulking and it takes a while to be 'normal' again but yesterday, I suppose the apology helped, we were back to normal by the time we saw each other again. We had a nice, fun evening and I'm feeling all optimistic.

2012 was a good year financially, I was saving, mainly for the baby, but I was saving maniacally. As a result, I was nice and comfortable. In the 3 months in the US and the subsequent month, I've spent a lot more than I'd have liked, and due to home loan issues, I'm not sure how much I need to save in 2013, so oddly, I feel insecure about money. It's still early days, and this will sort itself out eventually, but it's interesting. What it means is, that this year, my personal goals may not include as much travel as I'd have liked.

I think this year I want to do things, (1) become a runner; (2) learn to play a musical instrument. I'm keeping this vague because I really want to learn to play the piano, but we have no room and I can't afford one, so it'll be a guitar, but I really want to learn music. I enjoy music a lot, and I'm excited about learning to make it.

When I was in my early 20s or maybe late 20s, beginning to be exposed to people from other cultures and races, I felt under-equipped. That as a child, my parents didn't try to get me into enough (they did try, carnatic classical, bharatnatyam dance, hindustani music - harmonium, but I wasn't interested), and over the years, as my earning ability increased, my skill got a level of easy competence, I found free time, time to indulge in hobbies and try stuff. Which is how I'm going to evolve into me.

Happy New Year!

It's a new year, and new years are all about hope. All about the possibilities and maybes, and I'm alternately thrilled and terrified. Thrilled because possibilities are very exciting, terrified because the flip side of the positive possibilities are not so exciting :)

My cousin posted this on her Facebook and I dismissed her anxieties (albeit only in my mind) because I don't think she should be identifying with it. I don't identify with the writer on a personality level, but I do identify with some specific things she said. Namely "...unhappily married people live with a particularly viral strain of loneliness, and the interesting thing about loneliness is it forces you to confront yourself." And maybe this is what has happened to me. I've admitted to myself that it's been getting progressively lonelier for me in this marriage, whereas SO has seen it as getting more secure, but there you have it. I have therefore been forced to confront myself and now find myself on the verge of being 'skinless and shivering'.

After being in a relationship for over a decade and being married for 5 years, I find that SO's family have become my family. I treat them much like I do my own, I fuss over some of them, bully others, think about some fondly and others less so, etc. And the thought of ridding myself of this family as well as the presumed security of being married is what has me on the edge of skinless, what's really depressing is that on the bad days, I would almost prefer to be skinless and shivering, than the alternative, which on bad days feels like my heart is being shredded. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

That said, it is a new year, with wonderful possibilities, and I'm still clear that I can be more than I have been so far. Not dramatically more, maybe, but certainly incrementally more.