I'm now officially 36, not a big deal in itself, I'll confess. Sometimes I think about what I thought I would have 'achieved' by this age and 36 never actually featured as an age by which I would have achieved something. When I was in my teens, I think 30 was the number. As I grew older, while I had things I wanted to do, I never had a specific timeline.
What I'm intrigued by now, is how comfortable I am with myself. I like the person I am now, I like that I'm able to separate feeling from action and that I try to react appropriately, adult-ly even, whenever possible. I like that I'm beginning to approach the tipping point where I will soon know 'enough'. In other words, where people will actually look to me for guidance and opinions, not because I'm right, but because they value my opinion and potentially insight. I like that I have insight :)
When I was younger, I discovered points of view and perspective, or rather, how perspective works. There is a Calvin and Hobbes strip that resonates very strongly, about how your world view can collapse if you can actually see all points of view, and personally, I think that is a wonderful thing. There's a family situation brewing, and in discussing it with the SO, I described what I see as true empathy, which is being able to see a person for who they are, and to know how they would handle a situation, without value judgement. It sounds strange, but the point I'm trying to make is, that with true empathy, your 'self' is removed from the picture, the other person's motivations are unimportant. Their actions are important, and their feelings, which they are making clear, are important. Why do I feel this is true empathy? Because it is devoid of value judgement, you can look at this dispassionately and know that they feel and act a certain way, and it's not good/bad or right/wrong. It just is. This is very liberating, because it takes away any thought or feeling that people are doing something to upset you, or hurt you specifically, or that they have even considered how you will feel about it. It's also liberating, because I know that very few other people think like me, and that it's not bad/wrong to not think like me. It's hurtful to me, but it's not bad/wrong.
The other thing is about sex. It's now more or less an itch, that can be ignored for a while and scratched whenever I have the time. I still think it's not ideal, but maybe the making of the decision to stay with SO took way the discussion/option of leaving for someone with a higher sex drive. And with SO... I guess it's become intensely familiar. Not that it's a bad thing, but maybe I'm finally bored of it, so the physical urge is just that, an urge that can be managed. Maybe it's noteworthy that I'm calling the act 'sex' rather than 'making love' and that we're now so 'together' that 'making love' even includes hanging out with family, or making a meal, or watching a movie, or even just talking.
There was a time, not too long ago, when I firmly believed that sex was essential, but more because I wanted physical contact. I wanted to be touched and to touch. I can see that now, I absolutely could not then. Or maybe I'm deluded now... I can't tell which, but now, there's more general touching, like hugging or sitting close, and that feels like enough.
I also realise that my body gives back what I give it. If I nourish it well and exercise regularly, I have more energy, glowing skin and obviously, a more toned body. Which means if I'm serious about children, I have to be serious about taking care of my body. In the past two months (April and May) I've been very bad about food and exercise, and my energy levels have been ... low. Not non-existent, just low. And it's now obvious to me that it's a choice I have made. I won't have the energy of a 20-year-old, but I can have more energy if I take better care of myself. Which again, is not impossible, just needs better planning, i.e. keeping more vegetables around and taking the effort to cook and eat.
Life is. It will be exactly what you make of it, and I choose daily to make my life positive and happy.
What I'm intrigued by now, is how comfortable I am with myself. I like the person I am now, I like that I'm able to separate feeling from action and that I try to react appropriately, adult-ly even, whenever possible. I like that I'm beginning to approach the tipping point where I will soon know 'enough'. In other words, where people will actually look to me for guidance and opinions, not because I'm right, but because they value my opinion and potentially insight. I like that I have insight :)
When I was younger, I discovered points of view and perspective, or rather, how perspective works. There is a Calvin and Hobbes strip that resonates very strongly, about how your world view can collapse if you can actually see all points of view, and personally, I think that is a wonderful thing. There's a family situation brewing, and in discussing it with the SO, I described what I see as true empathy, which is being able to see a person for who they are, and to know how they would handle a situation, without value judgement. It sounds strange, but the point I'm trying to make is, that with true empathy, your 'self' is removed from the picture, the other person's motivations are unimportant. Their actions are important, and their feelings, which they are making clear, are important. Why do I feel this is true empathy? Because it is devoid of value judgement, you can look at this dispassionately and know that they feel and act a certain way, and it's not good/bad or right/wrong. It just is. This is very liberating, because it takes away any thought or feeling that people are doing something to upset you, or hurt you specifically, or that they have even considered how you will feel about it. It's also liberating, because I know that very few other people think like me, and that it's not bad/wrong to not think like me. It's hurtful to me, but it's not bad/wrong.
The other thing is about sex. It's now more or less an itch, that can be ignored for a while and scratched whenever I have the time. I still think it's not ideal, but maybe the making of the decision to stay with SO took way the discussion/option of leaving for someone with a higher sex drive. And with SO... I guess it's become intensely familiar. Not that it's a bad thing, but maybe I'm finally bored of it, so the physical urge is just that, an urge that can be managed. Maybe it's noteworthy that I'm calling the act 'sex' rather than 'making love' and that we're now so 'together' that 'making love' even includes hanging out with family, or making a meal, or watching a movie, or even just talking.
There was a time, not too long ago, when I firmly believed that sex was essential, but more because I wanted physical contact. I wanted to be touched and to touch. I can see that now, I absolutely could not then. Or maybe I'm deluded now... I can't tell which, but now, there's more general touching, like hugging or sitting close, and that feels like enough.
I also realise that my body gives back what I give it. If I nourish it well and exercise regularly, I have more energy, glowing skin and obviously, a more toned body. Which means if I'm serious about children, I have to be serious about taking care of my body. In the past two months (April and May) I've been very bad about food and exercise, and my energy levels have been ... low. Not non-existent, just low. And it's now obvious to me that it's a choice I have made. I won't have the energy of a 20-year-old, but I can have more energy if I take better care of myself. Which again, is not impossible, just needs better planning, i.e. keeping more vegetables around and taking the effort to cook and eat.
Life is. It will be exactly what you make of it, and I choose daily to make my life positive and happy.
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