The rage has reduced a little and it may have been chocolate addiction. Whatever it was, I'm acutely conscious of being 'disturbed'. So disturbed in fact, that I want to crawl into a hole and hide forever and ever. Or go away on a holiday where nobody knows me and spend a lot of time with myself and by myself. It's odd, that in this disturbance, I don't want to flee from me. I want to flee from my life.
Or maybe it's not so odd. The last times I had this feeling is when I made serious mistakes at work. I wanted to quit and run and hide. I didn't though, I worked through the mistake, did what I could to fix it and moved forward. Is that what I'm feeling now? That I've made a mistake?
The current disturbance is due to something that's become more and more painful with time. Children. I want them. For the past month or so, I'll be doing something, like drinking water, or watching TV, or walking, or driving and I'll think 'I want children'. It's moved well past a shadowy 'sometime in the future' to a 'now'. I've told myself many times that 'I want' is bad attitude. It's an expression of ego, which is selfish. Maybe my ego is bigger than I can handle? Maybe everything is going well enough that I think this should be too?
The thing is, this - children, is not in my control, but it is in our control as a couple. And it may be that I feel that I've done everything to achieve what SO wanted, been a very supportive girlfriend and spouse, and he's not doing the same for me. I feel this specially, today. Why specially? Because for a few days, I've been thinking about whether I want to pursue fertility options (IVF etc.) or adopt. Being in India, you would think it would be easy to adopt, and maybe it is, but it's also a time and money commitment, and then a wait. The wait can be anything from a few months to a few years. And for all of which, I want a partner. I want someone who is working through the issues and decisions with me.
Yesterday, I found a few online quizzes about whether I was ready to adopt and took them. I also had SO take them. One issue that they ask all adoptive parents to consider is whether you've accepted infertility, or in other words, whether you still hope that you'll get pregnant. I do. Mainly because I think I want to be pregnant. I want that experience for myself, but I also want to be a parent, and every so often the scale tips more to being a parent. SO took the same tests/quizzes and he apparently has accepted infertility, and harbours no hopes of getting pregnant.
I understand why he may think/feel this way, but surely this is something we should have a common view on? What is the point of me tracking my cycle, telling him when the time is right, fighting and crying about his 'interest' or lack thereof, if he's accepted that he is not going to father a child?
Also, he seems specifically blinded to one option, sperm donation. If it works, the resulting child would be related to me at least. I'll see myself, my parents, my brother etc. in him/her. Is that not desirable? Is it that he's decided that if he can't have children, I shouldn't as well? While I often think about this option, the logical follow through is considering if it makes sense to find a donor who is related to the SO, but that just starts sounding messed up. Asking someone (logically SO's brother) if he'd consider helping us have a child is... weird! Also, fortunately, SO's brother has just left the country for a long stint abroad.
The thing is, I'm still angry that I never seem to get anything my way in this relationship. I wanted to get married earlier, he didn't, we didn't. I want to have children, he didn't, we don't. And in each of these cases, it's not like he's saying 'no' upfront. If he did, I'd leave and build my life again. He keeps saying yes, but not now, yes but. I know it sounds like an exaggeration - not getting my way in anything. I suppose I've got my way in the house we live in (location) but it's a good decision. I also kind-of got my way in the car, but that was pretty much a joint decision and a good choice. What else? We've never had an issue of needing to live with in-laws, so no ways there. I will say, he's never tried to control my actions, and that is a big thing. It's big enough that a friend left her husband for the reverse. All my closest friends suffer from some amount or form of control, so this is a major plus. But on the minus side (shared by the friend who is now divorced from controlling) is the lack of ambition, lack of financial stability... leading me to feel ... insecure. And SO has been the cause for other insecurities for me as a woman.
I'm not saying he's a horrible person. He's not, just that he doesn't know how to be my husband. That's something I've said before, and somehow, two months ago, he managed fine. So what's up now? Is he just more busy? Does he think that it's all fine now so he doesn't have to try anymore? Can he only do it for one month at a time? Should I negotiate for one month in a quarter? Is it worth negotiating these things? Shouldn't he feel like this, without being asked/told?
See, these kind of thoughts depress me. I feel unworthy and unloved. I don't like feeling this way, so try to divert myself, but this is a serious issue. One that comes up often too, so the correct answer is to talk about it, right? But can you talk someone into affection? Or attraction? I keep trying to distract myself, into telling myself that I have to do the right thing, and what he does is up to him. But now that makes me feel incredibly taken advantage of.
The other thing is, on the surface, we're fine. We know each other plenty well and can negotiate a life together easily. So if I ignore my 'disturbance', we can go weeks being superficially fine. But I can't ignore my disturbance, or at least not for too long. So I get grumpy, or sad, or fighty or something. And the cycle repeats. It's a cycle I hate, and I don't know how to break it. I think I need to see a counsellor again.
Or maybe it's not so odd. The last times I had this feeling is when I made serious mistakes at work. I wanted to quit and run and hide. I didn't though, I worked through the mistake, did what I could to fix it and moved forward. Is that what I'm feeling now? That I've made a mistake?
The current disturbance is due to something that's become more and more painful with time. Children. I want them. For the past month or so, I'll be doing something, like drinking water, or watching TV, or walking, or driving and I'll think 'I want children'. It's moved well past a shadowy 'sometime in the future' to a 'now'. I've told myself many times that 'I want' is bad attitude. It's an expression of ego, which is selfish. Maybe my ego is bigger than I can handle? Maybe everything is going well enough that I think this should be too?
The thing is, this - children, is not in my control, but it is in our control as a couple. And it may be that I feel that I've done everything to achieve what SO wanted, been a very supportive girlfriend and spouse, and he's not doing the same for me. I feel this specially, today. Why specially? Because for a few days, I've been thinking about whether I want to pursue fertility options (IVF etc.) or adopt. Being in India, you would think it would be easy to adopt, and maybe it is, but it's also a time and money commitment, and then a wait. The wait can be anything from a few months to a few years. And for all of which, I want a partner. I want someone who is working through the issues and decisions with me.
Yesterday, I found a few online quizzes about whether I was ready to adopt and took them. I also had SO take them. One issue that they ask all adoptive parents to consider is whether you've accepted infertility, or in other words, whether you still hope that you'll get pregnant. I do. Mainly because I think I want to be pregnant. I want that experience for myself, but I also want to be a parent, and every so often the scale tips more to being a parent. SO took the same tests/quizzes and he apparently has accepted infertility, and harbours no hopes of getting pregnant.
I understand why he may think/feel this way, but surely this is something we should have a common view on? What is the point of me tracking my cycle, telling him when the time is right, fighting and crying about his 'interest' or lack thereof, if he's accepted that he is not going to father a child?
Also, he seems specifically blinded to one option, sperm donation. If it works, the resulting child would be related to me at least. I'll see myself, my parents, my brother etc. in him/her. Is that not desirable? Is it that he's decided that if he can't have children, I shouldn't as well? While I often think about this option, the logical follow through is considering if it makes sense to find a donor who is related to the SO, but that just starts sounding messed up. Asking someone (logically SO's brother) if he'd consider helping us have a child is... weird! Also, fortunately, SO's brother has just left the country for a long stint abroad.
The thing is, I'm still angry that I never seem to get anything my way in this relationship. I wanted to get married earlier, he didn't, we didn't. I want to have children, he didn't, we don't. And in each of these cases, it's not like he's saying 'no' upfront. If he did, I'd leave and build my life again. He keeps saying yes, but not now, yes but. I know it sounds like an exaggeration - not getting my way in anything. I suppose I've got my way in the house we live in (location) but it's a good decision. I also kind-of got my way in the car, but that was pretty much a joint decision and a good choice. What else? We've never had an issue of needing to live with in-laws, so no ways there. I will say, he's never tried to control my actions, and that is a big thing. It's big enough that a friend left her husband for the reverse. All my closest friends suffer from some amount or form of control, so this is a major plus. But on the minus side (shared by the friend who is now divorced from controlling) is the lack of ambition, lack of financial stability... leading me to feel ... insecure. And SO has been the cause for other insecurities for me as a woman.
I'm not saying he's a horrible person. He's not, just that he doesn't know how to be my husband. That's something I've said before, and somehow, two months ago, he managed fine. So what's up now? Is he just more busy? Does he think that it's all fine now so he doesn't have to try anymore? Can he only do it for one month at a time? Should I negotiate for one month in a quarter? Is it worth negotiating these things? Shouldn't he feel like this, without being asked/told?
See, these kind of thoughts depress me. I feel unworthy and unloved. I don't like feeling this way, so try to divert myself, but this is a serious issue. One that comes up often too, so the correct answer is to talk about it, right? But can you talk someone into affection? Or attraction? I keep trying to distract myself, into telling myself that I have to do the right thing, and what he does is up to him. But now that makes me feel incredibly taken advantage of.
The other thing is, on the surface, we're fine. We know each other plenty well and can negotiate a life together easily. So if I ignore my 'disturbance', we can go weeks being superficially fine. But I can't ignore my disturbance, or at least not for too long. So I get grumpy, or sad, or fighty or something. And the cycle repeats. It's a cycle I hate, and I don't know how to break it. I think I need to see a counsellor again.
2 comments:
Completely get this. My BFF and I are going through the exact same thing in our marriages and I don't know if it's the fact that we have been with our significant others for a decade now.
Thanks Me! That might just be it, not knowing how to negotiate the evolved relationship. I suppose that like me, you and your BFF also are the 'thinkers' with the men needing to be forced to think about a situation... making it more stressful :)
As always, it's good to know I'm not alone,
love,
SC
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