As with everything, I would like very much to be able to control this. My period isn't here yet and I can't shake the feeling that it will be, so I want to hurry along to that outcome. So I am blogging, to remind myself that the outcome will be what it will be. Every twinge has me nervous, every hour that passes makes me more nervous. I am trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that the answer will become apparent soon, and it will be as God wills it, not I.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
:)
I'm probably kidding myself (hah!) but I don't care at present. This month, of all the months that we could have, SO and I genuinely 'tried'. We may have mistimed the trying, but we tried.
This month, of all the months in the past year, I've not had the type of PMS I usually do. I know it's contradictory, I should have more PMS symptoms, not less. I should be more realistic, and know that if it hasn't happened in all these years, it's not happened now.
And yet, I'm feeling slightly different. My body feels slightly different, I'm feeling more hopeful, and my requests to the universe for signs all have resulted in very positive signs. My period is due in the next few days. Till then, I'm going to remain hopeful. I'm going to smile enigmatically and talk to my uterus and to the little baby that I'd like very much to be growing there.
This month, of all the months in the past year, I've not had the type of PMS I usually do. I know it's contradictory, I should have more PMS symptoms, not less. I should be more realistic, and know that if it hasn't happened in all these years, it's not happened now.
And yet, I'm feeling slightly different. My body feels slightly different, I'm feeling more hopeful, and my requests to the universe for signs all have resulted in very positive signs. My period is due in the next few days. Till then, I'm going to remain hopeful. I'm going to smile enigmatically and talk to my uterus and to the little baby that I'd like very much to be growing there.
Minor Ramblings
Price stickers and scabs, I like picking at them. In fact, that's how you can tell if I've read a book. The ones in my shelves that still have their price stickers on have not yet been consumed. What does that say about me I wonder? That I like a clean back of book? I also like an uncracked spine, feeling somehow a little more respectful of the book, that I'm not forcing it to submit to my will. The other thing it says about me is that I like books.
I also find that most of my friends, my good, close friends, like books. We read, we look for other people's stories, not, I assume, because our stories are not enough. Personally, it is to help my story become a happy ending. I have spent a lot of time with my own thoughts and found, at various points, that books are a distraction, a source of information, and occasionally a source of inspiration.It turns out, that my friends do the same. Why? Because we are constantly making sense of our world, or trying to. Why did this happen, why me, why not me, why do I feel this way, etc. Also it appears that not everybody is like us.
This blog is certainly my attempt to make sense of my world, and who knows, maybe portions of this will be introductions to my autobiography, or a set of essays or something. Always assuming that somebody else wants access to my thoughts.
At present, for some reason, I'm not at all keen on life. I want a long holiday. I want something violently different to look forward to, or to sleep in and do things on my schedule. Maybe will be dealt with by not going to office (i.e. working from home).
The SO and I... we're doing better. He's clarified that he wants to have children with me, but now I'm 36. I'm inclined to collect some money and start the adoption process, while we attempt to get pregnant without medical intervention. Let's see how it goes.
I also find that most of my friends, my good, close friends, like books. We read, we look for other people's stories, not, I assume, because our stories are not enough. Personally, it is to help my story become a happy ending. I have spent a lot of time with my own thoughts and found, at various points, that books are a distraction, a source of information, and occasionally a source of inspiration.It turns out, that my friends do the same. Why? Because we are constantly making sense of our world, or trying to. Why did this happen, why me, why not me, why do I feel this way, etc. Also it appears that not everybody is like us.
This blog is certainly my attempt to make sense of my world, and who knows, maybe portions of this will be introductions to my autobiography, or a set of essays or something. Always assuming that somebody else wants access to my thoughts.
At present, for some reason, I'm not at all keen on life. I want a long holiday. I want something violently different to look forward to, or to sleep in and do things on my schedule. Maybe will be dealt with by not going to office (i.e. working from home).
The SO and I... we're doing better. He's clarified that he wants to have children with me, but now I'm 36. I'm inclined to collect some money and start the adoption process, while we attempt to get pregnant without medical intervention. Let's see how it goes.
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Growing Growing Older and Growing Up
There was a wedding in SO's family last weekend. I know the groom well and his wife is not Indian, so his family had some trouble with the concept. I'm the first girl in this generation of wives, who is not from their community, so I had a sense of what it would be like for her, and did reassure them, that the family is a good one. All well meaning and kind, they want to welcome, just that some of them don't have the words.
It's been a rough time with the SO and I told myself earlier that I'd let February go by completely, not let the bad days be deciding days. I thought that by the end of the month, I'd have a sense of whether I can let him go. The thing is, on the good days, he still won't do anything about having babies. On the bad days... To his credit, he is trying. He is kinder to me and slightly better at putting himself aside when I want something. But then came the wedding. The hardest part of this relationship for me, is that we know each other so well. We can live a very comfortable life without the relationship, but then what's the point, and what about babies?
The reason the wedding even features, is because now, 5 years into the marriage, I am as much a part of his family as he is. Whether it was because the family was trying harder for the foreign bride, or because the children in the family have grown older, more people spoke English now than at the time of my wedding. So that was more convenient and comfortable for me. Also, I've learnt enough of their language to communicate if I have to, but more importantly, to understand conversation without needing translations. In short, to be able to communicate. What this means is, that I actually cannot leave him. This entire family will understand if I say I have to, because he doesn't want children, but that's not the point. I can't actually leave them. So that's one decision made.
Personally, this wedding was ... special. Not because of the wedding, or the family piece, but because of one boy. He's a first cousin of the groom, so his father is SO's cousin. He's 20. I've seen pictures of him and thought he was hot. When I met him, I thought I'd be able to harmlessly lust after him, as some side entertainment at this wedding. He, on the other hand, began teasing me - asking me to serve him more/specifically etc., then being around me a lot, complimenting the way I looked, looking at me, for me a lot of the time. I was flattered. I still am. He made me feel very special. He's 16 years younger than I am, so I've no idea what he intended to do, and in typical fashion, am agonizing about just that. What did he mean, why did he ... This part of the post is my attempt to let go of the thinking and enjoy the way he made me feel. Very special. Thank you boy!
It's been a rough time with the SO and I told myself earlier that I'd let February go by completely, not let the bad days be deciding days. I thought that by the end of the month, I'd have a sense of whether I can let him go. The thing is, on the good days, he still won't do anything about having babies. On the bad days... To his credit, he is trying. He is kinder to me and slightly better at putting himself aside when I want something. But then came the wedding. The hardest part of this relationship for me, is that we know each other so well. We can live a very comfortable life without the relationship, but then what's the point, and what about babies?
The reason the wedding even features, is because now, 5 years into the marriage, I am as much a part of his family as he is. Whether it was because the family was trying harder for the foreign bride, or because the children in the family have grown older, more people spoke English now than at the time of my wedding. So that was more convenient and comfortable for me. Also, I've learnt enough of their language to communicate if I have to, but more importantly, to understand conversation without needing translations. In short, to be able to communicate. What this means is, that I actually cannot leave him. This entire family will understand if I say I have to, because he doesn't want children, but that's not the point. I can't actually leave them. So that's one decision made.
Personally, this wedding was ... special. Not because of the wedding, or the family piece, but because of one boy. He's a first cousin of the groom, so his father is SO's cousin. He's 20. I've seen pictures of him and thought he was hot. When I met him, I thought I'd be able to harmlessly lust after him, as some side entertainment at this wedding. He, on the other hand, began teasing me - asking me to serve him more/specifically etc., then being around me a lot, complimenting the way I looked, looking at me, for me a lot of the time. I was flattered. I still am. He made me feel very special. He's 16 years younger than I am, so I've no idea what he intended to do, and in typical fashion, am agonizing about just that. What did he mean, why did he ... This part of the post is my attempt to let go of the thinking and enjoy the way he made me feel. Very special. Thank you boy!
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Evolving into Me
Yesterday was a ... strange day. I was reasonably good at work, but I was awful to SO in the morning, I was tired and snappy, but then I apologised and resolved to be better. Usually, he reacts by sulking and it takes a while to be 'normal' again but yesterday, I suppose the apology helped, we were back to normal by the time we saw each other again. We had a nice, fun evening and I'm feeling all optimistic.
2012 was a good year financially, I was saving, mainly for the baby, but I was saving maniacally. As a result, I was nice and comfortable. In the 3 months in the US and the subsequent month, I've spent a lot more than I'd have liked, and due to home loan issues, I'm not sure how much I need to save in 2013, so oddly, I feel insecure about money. It's still early days, and this will sort itself out eventually, but it's interesting. What it means is, that this year, my personal goals may not include as much travel as I'd have liked.
I think this year I want to do things, (1) become a runner; (2) learn to play a musical instrument. I'm keeping this vague because I really want to learn to play the piano, but we have no room and I can't afford one, so it'll be a guitar, but I really want to learn music. I enjoy music a lot, and I'm excited about learning to make it.
When I was in my early 20s or maybe late 20s, beginning to be exposed to people from other cultures and races, I felt under-equipped. That as a child, my parents didn't try to get me into enough (they did try, carnatic classical, bharatnatyam dance, hindustani music - harmonium, but I wasn't interested), and over the years, as my earning ability increased, my skill got a level of easy competence, I found free time, time to indulge in hobbies and try stuff. Which is how I'm going to evolve into me.
2012 was a good year financially, I was saving, mainly for the baby, but I was saving maniacally. As a result, I was nice and comfortable. In the 3 months in the US and the subsequent month, I've spent a lot more than I'd have liked, and due to home loan issues, I'm not sure how much I need to save in 2013, so oddly, I feel insecure about money. It's still early days, and this will sort itself out eventually, but it's interesting. What it means is, that this year, my personal goals may not include as much travel as I'd have liked.
I think this year I want to do things, (1) become a runner; (2) learn to play a musical instrument. I'm keeping this vague because I really want to learn to play the piano, but we have no room and I can't afford one, so it'll be a guitar, but I really want to learn music. I enjoy music a lot, and I'm excited about learning to make it.
When I was in my early 20s or maybe late 20s, beginning to be exposed to people from other cultures and races, I felt under-equipped. That as a child, my parents didn't try to get me into enough (they did try, carnatic classical, bharatnatyam dance, hindustani music - harmonium, but I wasn't interested), and over the years, as my earning ability increased, my skill got a level of easy competence, I found free time, time to indulge in hobbies and try stuff. Which is how I'm going to evolve into me.
Happy New Year!
It's a new year, and new years are all about hope. All about the possibilities and maybes, and I'm alternately thrilled and terrified. Thrilled because possibilities are very exciting, terrified because the flip side of the positive possibilities are not so exciting :)
My cousin posted this on her Facebook and I dismissed her anxieties (albeit only in my mind) because I don't think she should be identifying with it. I don't identify with the writer on a personality level, but I do identify with some specific things she said. Namely "...unhappily married people live with a particularly viral strain of loneliness, and the interesting thing about loneliness is it forces you to confront yourself." And maybe this is what has happened to me. I've admitted to myself that it's been getting progressively lonelier for me in this marriage, whereas SO has seen it as getting more secure, but there you have it. I have therefore been forced to confront myself and now find myself on the verge of being 'skinless and shivering'.
After being in a relationship for over a decade and being married for 5 years, I find that SO's family have become my family. I treat them much like I do my own, I fuss over some of them, bully others, think about some fondly and others less so, etc. And the thought of ridding myself of this family as well as the presumed security of being married is what has me on the edge of skinless, what's really depressing is that on the bad days, I would almost prefer to be skinless and shivering, than the alternative, which on bad days feels like my heart is being shredded. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
That said, it is a new year, with wonderful possibilities, and I'm still clear that I can be more than I have been so far. Not dramatically more, maybe, but certainly incrementally more.
My cousin posted this on her Facebook and I dismissed her anxieties (albeit only in my mind) because I don't think she should be identifying with it. I don't identify with the writer on a personality level, but I do identify with some specific things she said. Namely "...unhappily married people live with a particularly viral strain of loneliness, and the interesting thing about loneliness is it forces you to confront yourself." And maybe this is what has happened to me. I've admitted to myself that it's been getting progressively lonelier for me in this marriage, whereas SO has seen it as getting more secure, but there you have it. I have therefore been forced to confront myself and now find myself on the verge of being 'skinless and shivering'.
After being in a relationship for over a decade and being married for 5 years, I find that SO's family have become my family. I treat them much like I do my own, I fuss over some of them, bully others, think about some fondly and others less so, etc. And the thought of ridding myself of this family as well as the presumed security of being married is what has me on the edge of skinless, what's really depressing is that on the bad days, I would almost prefer to be skinless and shivering, than the alternative, which on bad days feels like my heart is being shredded. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
That said, it is a new year, with wonderful possibilities, and I'm still clear that I can be more than I have been so far. Not dramatically more, maybe, but certainly incrementally more.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Yoda! That Old Frog!
I want to abuse Yoda a little more roundly, but I find I cannot. Words are hurtful things. But see, the dude said 'do or do not, there is no try', providing a super easy excuse for those who don't want to try. If there is no in between, then there is no failure.
Though maybe I'm being unfair to Yoda. He was only trying to encourage a boy to give something his best shot. Though he was using the word 'try' as somehow telling yourself that failure is acceptable. Is that really so bad? What is life but a series of tries? You find some things you can really make a go of, and you get to higher heights with them, but if you hadn't tried, where would you be? If you hadn't dipped your toe in the shallow end when you were afraid of the deep, would you ever have learnt to swim?
Personally, I think that trying is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself. It opens you up to new experiences and new worlds, and it opens up parts of you, that you may never have known you had. I love trying new stuff, and my plan is to do something new regularly, just so I know how it works for me. I've learnt that I love swimming and my body's good at it. I'm mostly a self taught swimmer, but now I have pretty good technique, purely because I kept trying. I've learnt that I'm good at languages, I like learning and I love communicating, so it's been fun. Also, being in a class with other novice learners is wonderful, similar interests, similar levels of ability, camaraderie. I think I also like teaching, but that's one for the future. More immediately, I want to learn music again, probably the guitar because I still don't have room for a piano/keyboard, and scuba diving. Definitely scuba diving.
Yoda, somethings I may do, somethings I may do not, but I will sure as hell try.
Though maybe I'm being unfair to Yoda. He was only trying to encourage a boy to give something his best shot. Though he was using the word 'try' as somehow telling yourself that failure is acceptable. Is that really so bad? What is life but a series of tries? You find some things you can really make a go of, and you get to higher heights with them, but if you hadn't tried, where would you be? If you hadn't dipped your toe in the shallow end when you were afraid of the deep, would you ever have learnt to swim?
Personally, I think that trying is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself. It opens you up to new experiences and new worlds, and it opens up parts of you, that you may never have known you had. I love trying new stuff, and my plan is to do something new regularly, just so I know how it works for me. I've learnt that I love swimming and my body's good at it. I'm mostly a self taught swimmer, but now I have pretty good technique, purely because I kept trying. I've learnt that I'm good at languages, I like learning and I love communicating, so it's been fun. Also, being in a class with other novice learners is wonderful, similar interests, similar levels of ability, camaraderie. I think I also like teaching, but that's one for the future. More immediately, I want to learn music again, probably the guitar because I still don't have room for a piano/keyboard, and scuba diving. Definitely scuba diving.
Yoda, somethings I may do, somethings I may do not, but I will sure as hell try.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
What I talk about, when I talk about Children
As with every relationship, the more things change, the more they stay the same. SO's being nice to me, but seems to be hoping that the difficult questions evaporate. The most difficult question is children. I think I finally asked it the right way yesterday. He's been saying 'we'll do whatever you want' and I finally was able to articulate that I'm not able to 'do what I want' because it's a child. We did research, field work and discussed for ages before we bought a house and a car, so why are we not doing the same for a child?
At the crux of it though, is what it means to me. I thought I would be able to live without children, but I find that I'm powerfully attracted to them. I want to smile at children, make faces at them, play with them etc. It's not too far out to imagine that I could feel a child would be better off with me, if left alone in a pram by tired parents. Even rationally, I've thought about the work of taking care of a child and I'm actually looking forward to it, I want to deal with ear aches and poopy diapers. I want to teach a child to eat and use a loo. I want a little person in my life, for whom everything is brand new.
And I want to share all this with someone who is as excited as I am about it. And maybe that someone is not SO, while that is sad, that is acceptable. Because I think it's really unfair to a child if we adopt it without this level of excitement and enthusiasm.
At the crux of it though, is what it means to me. I thought I would be able to live without children, but I find that I'm powerfully attracted to them. I want to smile at children, make faces at them, play with them etc. It's not too far out to imagine that I could feel a child would be better off with me, if left alone in a pram by tired parents. Even rationally, I've thought about the work of taking care of a child and I'm actually looking forward to it, I want to deal with ear aches and poopy diapers. I want to teach a child to eat and use a loo. I want a little person in my life, for whom everything is brand new.
And I want to share all this with someone who is as excited as I am about it. And maybe that someone is not SO, while that is sad, that is acceptable. Because I think it's really unfair to a child if we adopt it without this level of excitement and enthusiasm.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Writing Your Own Love Story
I'm back home now, back in my city, my office... I'm adjusting in some ways and being difficult in others. I thought that I'd explained enough to the SO, and I have in parts and have not in parts. I am though, sure that I'm not going to leave him. It's not like I don't want to from time to time, but that I feel this is an important part of my life. He and his family are now an important part of my life and I don't think I have the inclination, energy or time to change that.
This realisation has made me believe that I must be more open about my issues, be more forthcoming about what I feel and why, so SO can decide what he wants to do about it. I think this approach is working well, because he now has more information about what it will take to make this work, and I am not feeling shut out or unimportant, because he's actively listening and responding.
This particular post though, is about love stories, the way they are in romance novels. I'm a romantic, was and probably always will be. Which means that I like a certain kind of man, the hero of a romance novel. I know that almost all romance novels are written by women, so there are no men like that, but I found this - http://juliagrey.wordpress.com/contributors-stories/ten-ways-to-be-a-lover-a-man-looks-at-romance-novels/ and it's spot on! Some of the 'characteristics' of a romantic novel hero include being super rich and good at everything, and having good genes (tall, dark and handsome) is obviously fictitious, and some of the behaviour advice, while in keeping with the genre, is just misogynistic (touch early and often) but some stuff is accurate for me.
In short, I would like my man to think only of me. Obviously not all the time, but from time to time I'd like to know that I'm the only thing on his mind, or at least that I am on his mind from time to time. I'd also like him to be the best I've ever had, and to declare himself repeatedly and often. I'm learning how to be more secure in myself, but that apart, I think in a relationship, I'd like to know that my significant other values me. For now, the message seems to be getting through, which bodes well for 2013.
I think i will have the love story I want, eventually. And when I tell it then, it will be with a relationship of long standing and a true life-partner. A worthwhile life and love story.
This realisation has made me believe that I must be more open about my issues, be more forthcoming about what I feel and why, so SO can decide what he wants to do about it. I think this approach is working well, because he now has more information about what it will take to make this work, and I am not feeling shut out or unimportant, because he's actively listening and responding.
This particular post though, is about love stories, the way they are in romance novels. I'm a romantic, was and probably always will be. Which means that I like a certain kind of man, the hero of a romance novel. I know that almost all romance novels are written by women, so there are no men like that, but I found this - http://juliagrey.wordpress.com/contributors-stories/ten-ways-to-be-a-lover-a-man-looks-at-romance-novels/ and it's spot on! Some of the 'characteristics' of a romantic novel hero include being super rich and good at everything, and having good genes (tall, dark and handsome) is obviously fictitious, and some of the behaviour advice, while in keeping with the genre, is just misogynistic (touch early and often) but some stuff is accurate for me.
In short, I would like my man to think only of me. Obviously not all the time, but from time to time I'd like to know that I'm the only thing on his mind, or at least that I am on his mind from time to time. I'd also like him to be the best I've ever had, and to declare himself repeatedly and often. I'm learning how to be more secure in myself, but that apart, I think in a relationship, I'd like to know that my significant other values me. For now, the message seems to be getting through, which bodes well for 2013.
I think i will have the love story I want, eventually. And when I tell it then, it will be with a relationship of long standing and a true life-partner. A worthwhile life and love story.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving!
It was my first Thanksgiving in the US and I spent it with a second cousin and her friends. I had a much better time than I expected, because I expected a bunch of people talking about themselves (talk about low expectations!) What I found instead, were a bunch of bright, articulate people who were warm and welcoming, we played Taboo and some of us even watched a movie (Life of Pi). I got back today, have some work to get done, and potentially a dinner tonight. Most of the people I spoke to over Thanksgiving are older than me, and the one message I got for myself, is that you've got to be self-aware.
Life of Pi is a beautiful movie! It's so... beautiful! I haven't read the book and as always, the way India and Indians are portrayed jarred a bit, but it was still very beautiful. I'm guessing Irfan Khan will soon become a sought after Hollywood star, people will begin writing parts for him, which is good for all Indian talent in North America I guess.
Also, as some of the people I met over the weekend are very into music, I heard of 'Perfect' by Pink. Like everything else of it's type, this song made me cry. The sanitized video is simple, about how easy it is to make a child confused. Maybe it's especially true about little girls or girls, who are anyway bombarded with messages about body and beauty but maybe not. At any rate, as an adult (who should therefore know better) with self-esteem issues, this song made sense. I wanted to say that I've forgiven my parents for not noticing or not helping earlier, but that forgiveness is complete, so I no longer want to say that. They did their best, and I know that. So we're good. What's left now is for me to work on myself.
I saw a version of the Cinderella story, in some magical kingdom, with Anne Hathaway and a really cute prince. The twist in the story was that Ella was cursed to be obedient, when people discover this, they use it to their advantage, making her do things she doesn't want to, and to hurt people she likes. [SPOILER ALERT] The way she breaks the curse though, is to tell herself what to do, while looking in a mirror. It's a very simple twist, which she doesn't discover till a very crucial point in the story, but that's the key isn't it?
We grow up, believing what the world tells us about us. We grow older and learn about ourselves, learn that we can change and learn new stuff, be different. And I'm now working on telling myself what to believe about me. I may not be perfect, but I am certainly enough.
Life of Pi is a beautiful movie! It's so... beautiful! I haven't read the book and as always, the way India and Indians are portrayed jarred a bit, but it was still very beautiful. I'm guessing Irfan Khan will soon become a sought after Hollywood star, people will begin writing parts for him, which is good for all Indian talent in North America I guess.
Also, as some of the people I met over the weekend are very into music, I heard of 'Perfect' by Pink. Like everything else of it's type, this song made me cry. The sanitized video is simple, about how easy it is to make a child confused. Maybe it's especially true about little girls or girls, who are anyway bombarded with messages about body and beauty but maybe not. At any rate, as an adult (who should therefore know better) with self-esteem issues, this song made sense. I wanted to say that I've forgiven my parents for not noticing or not helping earlier, but that forgiveness is complete, so I no longer want to say that. They did their best, and I know that. So we're good. What's left now is for me to work on myself.
I saw a version of the Cinderella story, in some magical kingdom, with Anne Hathaway and a really cute prince. The twist in the story was that Ella was cursed to be obedient, when people discover this, they use it to their advantage, making her do things she doesn't want to, and to hurt people she likes. [SPOILER ALERT] The way she breaks the curse though, is to tell herself what to do, while looking in a mirror. It's a very simple twist, which she doesn't discover till a very crucial point in the story, but that's the key isn't it?
We grow up, believing what the world tells us about us. We grow older and learn about ourselves, learn that we can change and learn new stuff, be different. And I'm now working on telling myself what to believe about me. I may not be perfect, but I am certainly enough.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Clashing Tides
Today, my parents depart after visiting the US for 55 days. When they came, I realised that it had been over 10 years since I shared a house with them for more than an occasional day. For one month, we shared a bathroom, then they travelled for 2 weeks and now for another 9 days, we've been 'family' again. Not a complete family as my brother is elsewhere (where they were for 2 weeks) and somehow, the thought of them leaving makes me tear up.
I thought it might be relief that they're going, but it's not. I'm going to miss having them around, as remarkably weird as that sounds.Sure, we aggravated each other, but we're family, we took the aggravation and tried to be nicer. They did stuff like grocery shopping and cooking and fixing things, so I wouldn't have to. I took them places and negotiated the unfamiliar as much as I could, so they didn't have to. And this is what it's about. 3 adults who like each other enough to make allowances for tempers and moods, and want to help each other do less. What also upsets me is that when we all go back (I follow in just about 2 weeks) we'll go back to seeing each other once on 2 weeks or 3 weeks for 2 hours or so, our lives going back to routines that don't include each other, and this makes me ineffably sad. I guess I finally understand what the parent-child relationship is. Especially one where we've all made our peace with the people we are, have gone beyond control issues, so genuinely respect each other and trust each other.
I'm going to miss my mommy and daddy!
I thought it might be relief that they're going, but it's not. I'm going to miss having them around, as remarkably weird as that sounds.Sure, we aggravated each other, but we're family, we took the aggravation and tried to be nicer. They did stuff like grocery shopping and cooking and fixing things, so I wouldn't have to. I took them places and negotiated the unfamiliar as much as I could, so they didn't have to. And this is what it's about. 3 adults who like each other enough to make allowances for tempers and moods, and want to help each other do less. What also upsets me is that when we all go back (I follow in just about 2 weeks) we'll go back to seeing each other once on 2 weeks or 3 weeks for 2 hours or so, our lives going back to routines that don't include each other, and this makes me ineffably sad. I guess I finally understand what the parent-child relationship is. Especially one where we've all made our peace with the people we are, have gone beyond control issues, so genuinely respect each other and trust each other.
I'm going to miss my mommy and daddy!
Friday, November 16, 2012
The Things You Know
Or don't know or want to learn or want to ignore... or whatever :)
When I was little, I heard or read the story of the monk in training who studied for years and years and then took the all important exam. The exam had a single question 'What do you know?' The eximinee wrote pages and pages and thought hard and took as long as he possibly could. When the results came out, he had failed and he complained bitterly to his master. The master just told him that he hadn't leant the right lesson. So the monk studied harder for many more years, and then took the exam again. The question was the same, but this time, the examinee answered with a single sentence. When he read the sentence, the master hugged the monk and told him he had passed.
The thing about this story is, they don't tell you what the sentence is. So when I was little, I thought the sentence was 'I don't know anything.' I was in my teen years, or maybe early 20s, learning about biases and stereotypes and how colour is a concept and numbers are representations, I thought that must be it. Nobody could say with any certainty that they knew anything at all.
Then a few years ago, I found QI. IT's a quiz show on BBC which is now in it's 10th season, which I discovered in my 30s. As it's not available on TV where I am, it's available on YouTube :) QI is merely an example, but basically, though my life, I've retained a curious spirit, I want to know more. I keep reading things, learning things, forgetting things, but I want to know more. And paradoxically, I found there were some things I was sure I knew. Things like you must always be kind. Things like all people are the same and must be treated equally.
So now, in my mid-30s, my answer to the monk's exam question is 'I have a lot to learn.' Maybe one day I will find the answer to the question in the actual story, but till then, this is my answer.
When I was little, I heard or read the story of the monk in training who studied for years and years and then took the all important exam. The exam had a single question 'What do you know?' The eximinee wrote pages and pages and thought hard and took as long as he possibly could. When the results came out, he had failed and he complained bitterly to his master. The master just told him that he hadn't leant the right lesson. So the monk studied harder for many more years, and then took the exam again. The question was the same, but this time, the examinee answered with a single sentence. When he read the sentence, the master hugged the monk and told him he had passed.
The thing about this story is, they don't tell you what the sentence is. So when I was little, I thought the sentence was 'I don't know anything.' I was in my teen years, or maybe early 20s, learning about biases and stereotypes and how colour is a concept and numbers are representations, I thought that must be it. Nobody could say with any certainty that they knew anything at all.
Then a few years ago, I found QI. IT's a quiz show on BBC which is now in it's 10th season, which I discovered in my 30s. As it's not available on TV where I am, it's available on YouTube :) QI is merely an example, but basically, though my life, I've retained a curious spirit, I want to know more. I keep reading things, learning things, forgetting things, but I want to know more. And paradoxically, I found there were some things I was sure I knew. Things like you must always be kind. Things like all people are the same and must be treated equally.
So now, in my mid-30s, my answer to the monk's exam question is 'I have a lot to learn.' Maybe one day I will find the answer to the question in the actual story, but till then, this is my answer.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Soft
I can't tell if I'm too soft, but I'm weird. I cry easily, in a way that people that know me, both personally and professionally (apart from the SO) would not expect or even acknowledge. When I am with myself, when I'm fully me, hurt touches me deeply and the grave injustices of the world suggest that God is not kind or beautiful and certainly not all-loving. I've felt like this before, when my 30 year old cousin died from a brain aneurysm that a 30 year old had no business having. Leaving behind him a wife who was his college sweetheart who had to go through another marriage to get to him, and a 4 month old baby who is almost 4 now, growing up with words about her father instead of memories.
Today, thanks to Google's abilities to find something or the other in response to any search query, I found http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/. A blog by a lady who was married to a man she loved and who loved her. Three children, two of whom were adopted, two with special needs, one with psychological issues that they were working with. The last post was in October 2011, talking about how the family scatterred the ashes of her husband. I read on to the time he died, a 46 year old man who died of a heart attack, suddenly one Saturday, while with his children. Then I went back to the last published post and noticed a list of comments. The blogger had herself, passed away 2 days after her last post, injured fatally in a freak road accident. At first, reading her blog, I cried for what she'd lost, and how simply she talked about her challenges. And how she was being a good person, choosing the 'right way' each time, every day, though it's a very difficult thing to do. And then I cried for the children. In 3 months, their world changed completely. From struggling with their issues with the support of two wonderful, loving, caring parents, they had to face the world themselves. They continued to have family, a grand parent and an aunt, and I hope they are doing well, but my heart goes out to them.
I can't tell what it is, but these ordinary cruelties of life are killing me these days.
Today, thanks to Google's abilities to find something or the other in response to any search query, I found http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/. A blog by a lady who was married to a man she loved and who loved her. Three children, two of whom were adopted, two with special needs, one with psychological issues that they were working with. The last post was in October 2011, talking about how the family scatterred the ashes of her husband. I read on to the time he died, a 46 year old man who died of a heart attack, suddenly one Saturday, while with his children. Then I went back to the last published post and noticed a list of comments. The blogger had herself, passed away 2 days after her last post, injured fatally in a freak road accident. At first, reading her blog, I cried for what she'd lost, and how simply she talked about her challenges. And how she was being a good person, choosing the 'right way' each time, every day, though it's a very difficult thing to do. And then I cried for the children. In 3 months, their world changed completely. From struggling with their issues with the support of two wonderful, loving, caring parents, they had to face the world themselves. They continued to have family, a grand parent and an aunt, and I hope they are doing well, but my heart goes out to them.
I can't tell what it is, but these ordinary cruelties of life are killing me these days.
Inside a Lamb ... or was it a Cow?
I now own a leather jacket that I promise to love and cherish until death parts me from it. It is soft and supple and tan and... beautiful. I feel, at some level, sad that it was an animal that is no more, but I also feel glad that it is now mine, and how wonderful it is to have this beautiful thing to keep the wind away from me. My time in DC is coming to an end and I've to contemplate packing. Thanks to the new jacket, I now can send back several other bulky jackets with my parents who are off 10 days before me.
My dear animal that died so I could find this jacket, thank you. I see you!
I'm also writing now, to remind myself that I see me. Whatever happens to me, around me and for me, I need to remember it is who I am on the inside that counts. Beauty, for the world, is a flexible concept. A beautiful person though, is one who is always appreciated and yes, even loved.
I can accept that I am and probably always will be a romantic. I am a sucker for a happy ending and I believe in true love and mush. I don't think I want to change that. What I do want to remember though, is that havng or not having that in my life doesn't make me any more or less of a person. Or even a less beautiful person. Yes, there is the yearning to be able to attract that kind of love and longing, but it's ok. If it's not for me, it's ok.
What is for me is knowing that I am and want to remain a good person. I want to remain kind and helpful, looking at the bright side of things, believing the best of people and situations. I want to keep learning and trying to do the right thing. I want to be the best person I can be in this life, to cause the least hurt and pain, and be the most support that I can be. And my face and figure are coincidenes of genetics which I can work to keep healthy, but will not attract lasting love or friendship the way my personality will.
My dear animal that died so I could find this jacket, thank you. I see you!
I'm also writing now, to remind myself that I see me. Whatever happens to me, around me and for me, I need to remember it is who I am on the inside that counts. Beauty, for the world, is a flexible concept. A beautiful person though, is one who is always appreciated and yes, even loved.
I can accept that I am and probably always will be a romantic. I am a sucker for a happy ending and I believe in true love and mush. I don't think I want to change that. What I do want to remember though, is that havng or not having that in my life doesn't make me any more or less of a person. Or even a less beautiful person. Yes, there is the yearning to be able to attract that kind of love and longing, but it's ok. If it's not for me, it's ok.
What is for me is knowing that I am and want to remain a good person. I want to remain kind and helpful, looking at the bright side of things, believing the best of people and situations. I want to keep learning and trying to do the right thing. I want to be the best person I can be in this life, to cause the least hurt and pain, and be the most support that I can be. And my face and figure are coincidenes of genetics which I can work to keep healthy, but will not attract lasting love or friendship the way my personality will.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
What is Wrong with TV Today
I'm saying 'today' but what I really mean, is in the age when broadcasting companies seem to have forgotten that they are also held to some standards. When TV was invented, the first uses were to share information, like the news, or like shows on science or the natural world etc. But people, being people, they quickly got bored, so TV became entertainment. Anything wrong with that? No, not at all. But what I now take objection to is what is considered entertaining, and who is watching it.
TV came into my life in my teenage years, when I was impressionable and didn't really have opinions of my own. I was also just beginning to despise my parents (something I've now grown out of) so obviously nothing they said was any good. What I did have though, was TV programming that had people who tried to do the right thing. Where the characters acted on their best impulses rather than their worst ones, where the moral was that if you do the right thing, everything always works out. Heck, where there was a moral!
Maybe that kind of TV is now seen as boring, but trust me, there are a lot more impressionable children watching TV now than there were back then, and maybe they don't have good examples in their daily lives. Maybe they don't have access to literature, where you can see characters in stories work out these things and learn from them, and maybe they deserve this insight?
TV came into my life in my teenage years, when I was impressionable and didn't really have opinions of my own. I was also just beginning to despise my parents (something I've now grown out of) so obviously nothing they said was any good. What I did have though, was TV programming that had people who tried to do the right thing. Where the characters acted on their best impulses rather than their worst ones, where the moral was that if you do the right thing, everything always works out. Heck, where there was a moral!
Maybe that kind of TV is now seen as boring, but trust me, there are a lot more impressionable children watching TV now than there were back then, and maybe they don't have good examples in their daily lives. Maybe they don't have access to literature, where you can see characters in stories work out these things and learn from them, and maybe they deserve this insight?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
The Hard Truths
I'm learning more about myself every day or every so often, and some of these things I learn are... well, not pretty I guess?
For a variety of reasons, I had to bring myself up, and through my adolescence, I dealt with the tough times by thinking of this perfect man who I would find, who would take care of me. He'd think I was beautiful and amazing, and would constantly tell me this. He'd hold me when I was upset (which was constantly) and stroke my hair when I cried. It was very important for me at that time, to be thought beautiful.
I grew older and this need stayed. I got to know guys, and somehow, never got the sense that they thought I was 'beautiful'. They may have, poor guys, but none of them really said so. They may have also thought I was amazing, but who knows. And then there was SO. He never ever said anything about my looks... or when he did, it was more about what I was not. I learned those lessons very well. I listened for every reference he made to my appearance, and others, and learnt that he didn't think I'm particularly attractive. Whether this is true or not. I say this, because one occasion, he has called me beautiful.
But that's not the point at all, the point is what this means to me. It's that as I've grown more confident in my work and in my personality, I've also wanted to grow more confident in my attractiveness. It's purely for ego, it's for the way I want to see myself. Apparently it's not good enough to have clear good skin, and nice features (though my nose is a little big). What I want is to have someone enamoured of my looks. And I'm on the cusp now. The cusp of young and not-so-young. I'm 35, too old for young guys to be interested in. Maybe even too old for 30 year old men, or 40 year old men, depending on what is available to them.
And it's irritatingly, one of the things that I keep coming back to with SO. I hold it against him that he doesn't think I'm attractive, mainly because i think he's gorgeous. Like a quid-pro-quo.
What I understand about myself now, is that it's a stupid thing that I've clung to for years. It doesn't matter whether others find me attractive (they'll tell me what they think I want to hear, till they get what they want). What matters is who I am, and how I see myself. And I'm a good person. I'm nice and kind and sensible and sensitive. And I'm going to continue to age with these characteristics, and one day, my face will show it, but people won't care about my face by then.
I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this, but I'm happy I've found this out. Now, just to make sure I've actually understand it fully, I'm going to repeat it. My face only shows the world who I am. The arrangement of my features does not reflect my personality, my expressions do. I'd much rather the world sees me, than sees a pleasing arrangement of features. And the 'me' that I want them to see, is a kind, sensitive, sensible and fun person. A person who prefers to see the bright side of life and the beauty in the world.
Welcome to the world!
For a variety of reasons, I had to bring myself up, and through my adolescence, I dealt with the tough times by thinking of this perfect man who I would find, who would take care of me. He'd think I was beautiful and amazing, and would constantly tell me this. He'd hold me when I was upset (which was constantly) and stroke my hair when I cried. It was very important for me at that time, to be thought beautiful.
I grew older and this need stayed. I got to know guys, and somehow, never got the sense that they thought I was 'beautiful'. They may have, poor guys, but none of them really said so. They may have also thought I was amazing, but who knows. And then there was SO. He never ever said anything about my looks... or when he did, it was more about what I was not. I learned those lessons very well. I listened for every reference he made to my appearance, and others, and learnt that he didn't think I'm particularly attractive. Whether this is true or not. I say this, because one occasion, he has called me beautiful.
But that's not the point at all, the point is what this means to me. It's that as I've grown more confident in my work and in my personality, I've also wanted to grow more confident in my attractiveness. It's purely for ego, it's for the way I want to see myself. Apparently it's not good enough to have clear good skin, and nice features (though my nose is a little big). What I want is to have someone enamoured of my looks. And I'm on the cusp now. The cusp of young and not-so-young. I'm 35, too old for young guys to be interested in. Maybe even too old for 30 year old men, or 40 year old men, depending on what is available to them.
And it's irritatingly, one of the things that I keep coming back to with SO. I hold it against him that he doesn't think I'm attractive, mainly because i think he's gorgeous. Like a quid-pro-quo.
What I understand about myself now, is that it's a stupid thing that I've clung to for years. It doesn't matter whether others find me attractive (they'll tell me what they think I want to hear, till they get what they want). What matters is who I am, and how I see myself. And I'm a good person. I'm nice and kind and sensible and sensitive. And I'm going to continue to age with these characteristics, and one day, my face will show it, but people won't care about my face by then.
I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this, but I'm happy I've found this out. Now, just to make sure I've actually understand it fully, I'm going to repeat it. My face only shows the world who I am. The arrangement of my features does not reflect my personality, my expressions do. I'd much rather the world sees me, than sees a pleasing arrangement of features. And the 'me' that I want them to see, is a kind, sensitive, sensible and fun person. A person who prefers to see the bright side of life and the beauty in the world.
Welcome to the world!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Away and Easy (Not)
So... with work, I have the opportunity to do an 'internship' and I'm doing it. 3 months in Washington DC, of which one month is nearly up. When I thought about this time to myself, before I came, I looked at it as this cathartic time of aloneness. Possibly even a time of anonymity, when my daydreams might come true, and my worst night mares would fade away.
In this month, the only thing that has happened is an increasing understanding that I am not happy. That I'm doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, waiting for someone to give me an award. Someone to say 'you've been so good! Here's your prize!'. And the prize would be fabulous. Then I realised that it will never happen. I get only this life, to live as I choose. And if I choose to life it doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, that's fine. It's my choice, but I cannot hold that choice against anybody else. In short, if nobody ever gives me an award, would I continue to do what I'm doing?
With most of my life, yes, I would. I'd continue being the kind of daughter I am, probably the kind of sister I am, and friend I am. I wouldn't change the way I work much either (not winning any awards there anyway). But in this relationship with SO... the 'children' question comes up again.
Can I live without children, yes, I can, but then I'd need SO to be a very different person in terms of how he relates to me. He's a great guy, but he's not good for my female soul. He's been a great friend and is smart and funny, and cares enough to tell me when I'm wrong, but he doesn't help the 'woman' in me much. He's honest to a fault with me, so has repeatedly told me that I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't claim to be, but I'd like to feel once in a while, that for him, I am. There are occasions when he's called me beautiful (which I clearly will always remember). The woman in me wants to be cuddled and spoiled, and taken care of, and he does very little of that. Maybe he doesn't know how. I'd like to think I've tried to teach him how, but maybe I haven't. Anwyay... I guess I'm feeling that I've been 'good' and have not yet got my award. And there's a chance that without children, I'll never get an award.
So I put this out there. And given that we're in different time zones, one of us is asleep during the other's day. Which means, as much as I'm afraid that he'll say 'I am what I am', I'm going to stay this course. Every time in the past, that I can remember pushing an issue, I've backed down at the fear of losing him. This time, though I'm afraid, I guess it's a watershed. I need to know, I need resolution.
As much as this is hurting me, and as much as I hate hurting him, I'm far enough away that I can wait for it to play out. I am sorry though, and very very sad.
In this month, the only thing that has happened is an increasing understanding that I am not happy. That I'm doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, waiting for someone to give me an award. Someone to say 'you've been so good! Here's your prize!'. And the prize would be fabulous. Then I realised that it will never happen. I get only this life, to live as I choose. And if I choose to life it doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, that's fine. It's my choice, but I cannot hold that choice against anybody else. In short, if nobody ever gives me an award, would I continue to do what I'm doing?
With most of my life, yes, I would. I'd continue being the kind of daughter I am, probably the kind of sister I am, and friend I am. I wouldn't change the way I work much either (not winning any awards there anyway). But in this relationship with SO... the 'children' question comes up again.
Can I live without children, yes, I can, but then I'd need SO to be a very different person in terms of how he relates to me. He's a great guy, but he's not good for my female soul. He's been a great friend and is smart and funny, and cares enough to tell me when I'm wrong, but he doesn't help the 'woman' in me much. He's honest to a fault with me, so has repeatedly told me that I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't claim to be, but I'd like to feel once in a while, that for him, I am. There are occasions when he's called me beautiful (which I clearly will always remember). The woman in me wants to be cuddled and spoiled, and taken care of, and he does very little of that. Maybe he doesn't know how. I'd like to think I've tried to teach him how, but maybe I haven't. Anwyay... I guess I'm feeling that I've been 'good' and have not yet got my award. And there's a chance that without children, I'll never get an award.
So I put this out there. And given that we're in different time zones, one of us is asleep during the other's day. Which means, as much as I'm afraid that he'll say 'I am what I am', I'm going to stay this course. Every time in the past, that I can remember pushing an issue, I've backed down at the fear of losing him. This time, though I'm afraid, I guess it's a watershed. I need to know, I need resolution.
As much as this is hurting me, and as much as I hate hurting him, I'm far enough away that I can wait for it to play out. I am sorry though, and very very sad.
Friday, July 20, 2012
My Day!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ongoing Learning
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Perspective
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