What I talk about, when I talk about Children

As with every relationship, the more things change, the more they stay the same. SO's being nice to me, but seems to be hoping that the difficult questions evaporate. The most difficult question is children. I think I finally asked it the right way yesterday. He's been saying 'we'll do whatever you want' and I finally was able to articulate that I'm not able to 'do what I want' because it's a child. We did research, field work and discussed for ages before we bought a house and a car, so why are we not doing the same for a child?

At the crux of it though, is what it means to me. I thought I would be able to live without children, but I find that I'm powerfully attracted to them. I want to smile at children, make faces at them, play with them etc. It's not too far out to imagine that I could feel a child would be better off with me, if left alone in a pram by tired parents. Even rationally, I've thought about the work of taking care of a child and I'm actually looking forward to it, I want to deal with ear aches and poopy diapers. I want to teach a child to eat and use a loo. I want a little person in my life, for whom everything is brand new.

And I want to share all this with someone who is as excited as I am about it. And maybe that someone is not SO, while that is sad, that is acceptable. Because I think it's really unfair to a child if we adopt it without this level of excitement and enthusiasm.