Exhilaration

I don't understand it at all, but it feels like I have found something. Times have been tough, work has been challenging, but I've kind of taken a decision to follow a different professional path than the one I am in now, and that appears to make me feel happy. Like deep down, this is what I am meant to do, happy. I absolutely do not understand it.

Also, I think SO and I have reached some point of divergence. We live together comfortably, but we  are not actually 'husband-wife' compatible. He's currently on a break due to my proposed move, and he seems to be coping well, studying, cooking regularly, it's been nice that way. The 'coupledom' though, I suppose we will never achieve what I'd like. And it feels like I'm at peace with that. I accept that I will not have love the way it is in movies and books, and I can live with that. 

Love or Something Like It

I may have posted something about when I was in school, and a friend asked me, what love feels like. We were 16-17 year-olds, in the throes of crushes and first relationships. I had crushes, and only knew those as 'love'. So my answer was that when you see that 'someone', it kind of takes your breath away. You gasp a little.

Now, I am more than double that age, and I understand there is a lot more to this emotion, now I would probably say it has to do with knowing someone has your back and you have theirs. That you'll do whatever it takes to give them what they want, that you want to see them smile, and seeing them smile makes you smile. And I also understand that there's intense attraction. The kind that takes your breath away.

What I've not experienced enough (or not noticed) is another person being attracted to me. I think a lot of it has to do with the way I present myself, in the sense that I'm not 'out there'. It is easier for people to like me, than to 'fall for' me. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. Once in a while it would be nice to feel that someone is losing his breath because of me. That he's flustered when he's talking to me because he wants to make a good impression, and that there's a warmth in his eyes that is only for me.

This love, or rather, this attraction, is what is in movies. The intense attraction that two people who do not know each other feel, inexplicable, but strong.

As I grow older, I am quite impressed by some movies/stories and the acting, the ability of the actors to show us what the characters are feeling. And it turns out that in the 1990s, Shahrukh Khan worked hard at this. His image of a romantic hero was well deserved at that time. Now, increasingly, it feels like he's sleepwalking through roles. I guess this has something to do with watching Dilwale Dulhaniya, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and K3G in the space of a week.

Flogging a Dead Horse?

I am furious. I am not completely sure why I am this angry and at some level, am even concerned by the depth of this emotion. Not furious in general, furious in the very specific, with SO.

I am once again, trying to be healthy and am working on the eating part, though I have found reasons not to exercise for a full week. This morning, it was all set, I could have gone. Why did I not? Because I did not want to think. It was as simple as that. When I walk, I think. I could have thought about work, but there are no tensions or issues that need resolution, so I would not really have thought about work. And the other thing I could have thought about, I really did not want to. The other thing being this rage.

Which made me force myself to think about it a little later, specifically when I was driving, so I could begin to understand. I did some thinking and I think I scratched the surface. Now though, it feels like things are a little clearer.

The root of the issue actually is my impending job move. There are issues between SO and me, there are communication issues and irritations, but this move is adding to the complications.

Turns out, I don't really want to move. I'm happy with my life in this city, with my home, with the bikes etc. The role I am in currently is also good and growing since my boss went back to the US (and my new boss was an old boss, so working is easier). I had thought about not changing roles, but they were going to bring in someone to replace the boss who went back, and then I'd have to cope with a new boss who would want to second guess what I was upto, I didn't think I was going to get a promotion, I didn't really want to continue doing the grunt work while someone else got to attend the important meetings etc., so I convinced myself that Singapore was a good thing. Then I got the promotion and wavered a bit, now it sounds like they may not being someone in, so again, I'm wavering.

Why is Singapore still good? It's a different profile of job. It will have increased visibility and should be fun in itself. It's Singapore! The job will involve business travel, which I enjoy greatly. And, the SO will benefit from this. It allows him to leave a job that he is not happy in, to study further or get another job with another organization, to move to a less crowded country etc.

This is what I realised over the weekend and it has made me angry. Part of the anger is that I cannot leave this marriage, because (as always) he promises that it will get better, and because it'll really upset my parents (father in particular). So I guess at some level I feel doubly trapped. I cannot leave a marriage that this weekend, has been really unhappy, and I cannot leave a job, that will have a lot of stress (shifting countries), all because of the SO.

This is not specifically his fault, but it doesn't help when he behaves stupidly, and/or is grumpy because I snap at him. Potentially the snapping is because I was hormonal, but the thought running through my head since Saturday is that I want out because this is frustrating as hell. The thing is, he's right. I was not being 'nice' to him, but I feel entitled to be a bitch.

Specifically because for the past few weeks (and I hope to God it's because I'm hormonal), I'm seeing the possibility of children as becoming increasingly remote and it depresses me greatly. To the extent where I am not sure why I should continue doing anything. It's not fair to consider having a child to give me 'purpose', I know this, and maybe that's all it is. A working through of the age-old decision, that my purpose would be to raise good children. I can accept this is no longer valid, I can accept that I don't actually need a purpose. Maybe that's the point, I can accept all this, but I haven't actually accepted it. And I am funnelling the rage at having to accept this into the SO.

I don't know. That may be part of it. The specific rage began when we went out for dinner on Friday. And SO could not get us a table/chairs. So either I deal with him standing behind me, hanging on to all his luggage, or leave. I chose to leave but clearly felt shortchanged. Yes, I was late, but surely he could have made more of an effort? This, along with a few other things, struck me today. That there are things he doesn't do for me, which make me feel that I am not worth the effort to him. Which is a shitty way to feel. He may not mean to make me feel this way, but I believe I've told him enough times.

All this is tied up in my mind with him not being able to take care of me, which makes me feel that I don't trust him, so don't want to have children with him. It's a hopeless tangle, because I really want children, but I don't want them with him, and I can't leave him. So you see... the future includes him, and no children. And on days when I'm angry with him, I'm furious. Because I don't want him, and I want children, and I'm stuck in this situation which I cannot change.

And there we have it. This is why I'm so furious. To the extent where I really wish he would leave me, or let me leave him, so I can be without him, and potentially meet someone who wants children. Thereby, having hope of the ++ instead of the -- that days like this feel like.

The thing is, I'm also tired. Tired beyond belief because work has been stressful. SO has been... not helpful, to the extent where dinner and groceries are still very much my problem to plan and acquire. He says otherwise, but his attitude when things are not available suggests otherwise. Anyway, let's say his work has been stressful too. And then there's all this angst in my life, which means there's angst in his life. Unlike me though, he doesn't think through stuff. He just puts it aside and gets on with life. Not like the issue is gone, or that he's fine, he's just ignoring it and being cold to me, or not understanding what I need. The most progress is made when I am able to think through his situation, understand it, explain it to him, and explain what he can do to make things better. Which has been too much effort for a while, so I've not done it. Do I want to now? Should it matter whether I want to, shouldn't I do it anyway? 

Distances Untravelled

I went on a road trip over the last weekend. Left on Friday, returned on Sunday. SO could not make it due to work, and the trip was with a bunch of Harley owners. It was FUN! The ride was fantastic, the destination was fantastic, the partying was... nice. There will be some politics, but I plan to stay far away from that.

The job in Singapore is an almost done deal, and the more 'done' it gets, the sadder I am about the bike. Selling the bike is a real option, but having spent this much time on this bike, I am not sure I want to part with it. It is not only my decision, the bike also belongs to SO, but I've spent much more time on it and am certainly more attached to it than he is.

Personalities are funny things. People do stuff, they make mistakes etc., and sometimes they realise and want to fix stuff, but more often than not, they are sure that they are right, so no mistakes have been made. From there, grow issues, and eventually, politics. Repeatedly.

I am learning to 'be' or maybe even 'be here now'. There are various philosophies that talk about how the person is a myth, that all of us are just awareness. Any notion of a 'self' are just manifestations of ego. I understand all of this, and this idea brings me tremendous peace. I am still grappling though, with why I should work if this is the case. This 'beingness' also makes me question physical urges (of which I have many). It also makes me question relationships. I suppose to a true follower, all these things fall away, and the follower becomes a sage/sanyasi. I suppose I have not yet reached this stage. What I have though, is been able to admit that my yearning for children, intimacy etc. are all just manifestations of an ego, not of my true state, one of awareness/consciousness.

How I Know I Tried

Things got better, then they got the same... with the SO, I'm not sure things will ever be fine. There's an ongoing tension between what I want and what he can give me. Sometimes it lines up and things are good, but maybe all those times require him to stretch. So the minute he cannot keep up the stretch, things start falling apart again. I've tried lowered expectations, and frankly, what I have now are plenty low. What remains true though, is that I cannot leave him. Even if in that potential future, we are both happier.

I think I mentioned it, but in February, we got our new motorcycle. It's a Harley Davidson and it's bloody heavy. It's a pleasure to ride, but it's heavy and I have dropped it 3 times so far. Twice it didn't actually make it to the ground, just got to a stage where I could not pick it up. This last time, I dropped it on the other side, where there is potential for parts to touch the ground, so they did. Each time it has fallen, I have struggled with it, and the next day, the relevant arm and shoulder muscles let me know. This last time, Sunday, I wasn't sure how/why I dropped it. I wasn't sure that I tried hard enough to keep it up. On Monday though, the familiar ache let me know that I had tried.

It's a twisted metaphor, but it's the same with me and this relationship. Every so often I think I am not trying enough and then I feel this pain. The pain of putting myself out there, and I know I tried.

In other news, I got a promotion at work. I was not expecting it, and my boss is not very communicative or expressive. I don't get along very well with her, to be frank, but we manage. But because of this dynamic, I wasn't expecting much so the promotion was certainly very welcome. I am also interviewing for a job (in the same organization) which will take me to Singapore.

I studied in Singapore many years ago, and have visited a couple of times since, so it's a familiar place. It's close to home and so easy to live in, that I'm quite looking forward to that part. The only misgivings I have are that I'm not wedded to a future in this organization, and was looking forward to starting something on my own, taking some time off etc. Though if I remember correctly, working in Singapore is not too stressful. People wrap up at a reasonable hour and have time off. The main challenge is motivation, I'll find it somewhere.

I Am Not Able

I do not know what it is, but I am not able to relate with the SO anymore. I am torn up inside, but it seems like the only thing I want to do is to kick free and rise to the surface. I don't even understand what this means, but that is the image I have.

Can it be that we have both drifted very far away from a relationship? That we have got comfortable living our own lives, intersecting only when we have to, not even wanting more? If that is the case, why am I so angry? Part of the anger is because if this is the case, I want out. But I know that is a hellish option. SO will not let me out, he'll promise again that everything will be different, that he'll do whatever it is I want, but it won't last.

I don't even want to try anymore, I just want out.

The worst though, is that I have been here before as well, but I've always relented. Said let's give it another shot, for a few days/weeks, things are better. Then we flounder again, and I'm sick of floundering, or of being the one responsible for keeping this thing going.

I've been here before as well, expressed exhaustion at dragging this relationship along.

I don't know what to do, and apparently what works is distraction, getting involved in someone else's life/story. So I'm going to watch movies, read books, read random blogs and maybe consider meeting a therapist again.

Opposites

It feels weird to blog about this but it's affecting me, and I need to be able to continue working without this baggage, so I'm putting it on here. I don't want to tell friends as they will stress for me, I don't want to tell family because I don't think they will understand.

I spoke with SO last weekend, saying this marriage isn't working for me. I feel very alone and lonely, but that I won't leave him. He said he heard and would do something. That was Saturday I think. Today is Thursday. We have not exchanged a word since Sunday night. On Sunday night I asked him something about whether he thinks of me, he said yes, but then he puts it out of his mind.

I feel now like that has been my place in this relationship. There is always something more important or urgent or both. I know I have said as much before, just that over the past few months, I've been trying not to be affected by him and his lack of attention/affection. This doesn't change the things I want, just that increasingly, I don't want them from him. Like now, even if he wants to talk to me, I doubt very much that I will be willing to talk about anything but pleasantries or share information that needs to be shared.

I guess this is a breakdown in communications. Coming hot on the heels of my telling him I feel alone, I do not understand it at all. This is exactly the opposite of what I expected. More fool me for having expectations?

Simple Answers, Difficult Questions

I was introspecting again, wondering at why I'm in a slightly blue funk and why it seems to me like a puppy or a baby would help me. Sure, it would be another 'development' opportunity, but what it is, is the affection that the simple hearted show and share. What I am missing is a regular dose of affection in the form of cuddles, or even 'warm body' snuggling. Both of which I know that dogs and babies are excellent at.

Maybe that's what it comes down to, I am, at heart, an affectionate human being. I didn't always come across as such, and I am not sure that any of my friends would describe me as affectionate, but I feel the need greatly. SO... much less so. I knew this, didn't I?

Peaked?

I feel a sense of well-being and completeness that I've actually never experienced before. I'm not exercising, I'm not actually eating healthy, I'm not being sensible for the most part, but I'm... confident. I now know what the basic rules of life are and I'm relieved.

Some time ago, I told SO that he should enjoy me as I am now, as it'll soon start going downhill. Why? Because right now, I know enough and am a nice/kind person. Why will this change? Because I will soon begin to feel that I know better than other people (I see this in my mother) and that will make me less nice/kind. I hope that this blog, my friends and my own mind/heart will keep me kind, but I cannot be sure.

What are the basic rules? That stuff happens, you can decide how you cope with it. You can also do and be anything you want, once you understand the risks and requirements and are willing to put in the effort. You may not have all the answers all the time, so make sure you consult someone. A trusted advisor is good, but in a pinch, the internet will do. Humility is key though, to always know that you may not have thought of everything and to check with other people for inputs that you may have missed.

Why have I reached this state? In the last month, a good friend got married in Neemrana. Also, my bestest friends met for a day. I also got to spend a lot of time with one of my best friends and had to deal with my growing discomfort with her ... I guess being judgemental/critical? When I met her, she was one of the sweetest and kindest people I knew. She rubbed off on me to a great extent, to where I began to be more social, genuinely interested in people and kind. In some ways I'm sad that she's moved away from this, but what is more concerning is that I will be more guarded in what I say to her because she is more critical than I need and I'm concerned that I'm giving her the wrong impression of people, leading to her treating them a certain way. When I say 'had to deal', I meant I had to come to terms with her as she is now, to learn how to manage this, without losing the friendship.

The real point of that paragraph though, was the wedding. When it was announced, I decided that we would drive from Gurgaon to the venue, because it's about 90kms and we would anyway be staying with another best friend in Gurgaon. This was at a time when the group included SO and my friend's husband. By the time the wedding rolled around, both the men dropped out. I didn't change my plans though, mainly because I didn't want to. We could have dropped the hire idea and instead got a taxi to drop us there, but I didn't see why we should. So I hired and drove an SUV sized vehicle to the wedding and back. I want to feel like this is special, but I'm not sure why it is. Perhaps because it was in a place that was not known to me? Perhaps because the area is generally seen as unsafe? But the driving was all during the day time and I was courteous and professional, and everybody I met was as well.

I have also, in the past w months of this year, acquired 1.5 motorcycles. 1.5 because one is fully mine, the other I share with SO. The one that is 'mine' is an absolute joy. It is practically my pride and joy, it was not hard at all to get used to and it makes me feel happy. The other one... is really new. It's huge and powerful and heavy and when we got it, I was terrified. Then I rode it for a bit, did some net research, spoke to a few people and am more comfortable. Not as comfortable as I am on 'mine' but getting there.

All of this has lead me to the conclusion that all you need is to be mindful. To think about what you want to do, evaluate the situation critically, assess risks and consequences, think about whether the risks and consequences are acceptable to you, check with someone else, make up your mind, then move forward. Occasionally, mistakes will be made, but if you've done all of this, they will be mistakes where were not obvious/stupid. Which is when you say 'stuff happens, I will cope', and move along.

The next thing I have to figure out is how I keep humble. Not in the sense of 'I am blessed', which is relatively easy, but in the sense of 'I'm not such a stud'. 

Chivalry

I've said repeatedly that I'm a die-hard romantic. I like happy endings, I like love stories, etc., but does that mean I like chivalry? I found this blog post today https://mashedmusings.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/role-reversal/ and got to think about it a little more. The blogger is an intelligent and kind man. He has a daughter, but this particular post was written before his daughter was born. He wrote another one as well, about what it feels like to be molested. Basically, having your privacy violated, which is something which unfortunately happened to him on a bus.

When I was young, I was being brought up by the standard 'beware of all men' rules that all girls are fed. Maybe 'brought up' is too broad-brush. I was exposed to these rules, but my mother did not tell me that all men are evil. Nor (naturally) did my father. I suppose now I understand how it works. Girls are not told to be wary of men, just of 'provoking men' or of attracting 'unwanted attention'. There was never ever a discussion about person space and privacy, about how your body, mind and life, belong to you, and you can control who you allow into any of these. In other words, I was being taught to be afraid.

I do not recall which newspaper it was in, and I think I was about 14 years old at the time, but I read an opinion piece (in an Open Page type section) written by a lady who had to travel by train in a coupe in which she was the only woman. She said, and rightly so, that you are trained to expect that men will try to take advantage of you, when most men are regular human beings who would like you to be comfortable, and are more likely to keep firmly out of your way rather than make you uncomfortable. I was old enough to think about this and realise the truth in it.

This made me look for more nuanced behaviours, look for and identify threats, rather than generally avoid all men. It helped me identify who was being helpful and who was being creepy. It allowed me to be friendly, while learning to walk through crowds with my elbows out.

But coming to chivalry, part of growing up for me (and this is still ongoing) is learning that I can take care of all my needs. I appreciate a man opening a door for me, or offering to carry stuff, but in the spirit that he wants to make life a little easier for me, not because I'm a frail thing who cannot do this for herself. I especially appreciate it when men kill cockroaches for me. For though I can accomplish this myself, I have to steel myself to fight and not fly.

Happy New Year!

It is a new year and I'm feeling new. I had a minor epiphany about work and understand a little better what I can do where I currently work, so that is good. Also, I suppose I've been treating my body well (would you believe, by exercising!?) and it is happy with me. Which means no random aches and pains and no joint wobbliness. Also, I find I'm happy with myself. Just, happy being me, happy to be alive. Feeling awesome!

Nothing has really changed, SO and I are still grappling with issues of progeny and busy-ness and my in-laws are visiting, but I'm not traumatised. Maybe I've shelved thinking about unresolvable issues, or accepted (at some deep level) that I'm not going to become a mother, but currently I'm revelling in being me.

A word though, about in-laws. I understand that my mother-in-law thinks she is helping by taking over kitchen duties, and, unlike last time, where I resented her doing things 'not my way', I'm now just redoing things the way I like. I've not offered to help, maybe next time. I think I've slightly realised that if she is insensitive to how I would feel about certain things, then she will also be insensitive to things I do that would upset me if done to me (like rewashing vessels I've washed). Seems to be working, maybe next time she'll actually relax enough to let me cook, though I'm not sure if that's a victory or not ;)

Being a Person

So... I clearly read a lot, and now there are blogs galore to read. One that makes me rather depressed is IndianHomeMaker's blog. That in this day and age, educated people should think and act like the email writers and some  commentators on that blog make me sad. However, the one message she drives home strongly is that patriarchy is alive and well, and that it impacts men as well as women. I didn't believe that till earlier this morning.

What was I doing earlier this morning? I was thinking about 'male' and 'female' roles and how in patriarchy, the roles are important, not the individual. So as long as there is a woman to cook and clean, whether she is a cheerful person or has love in her heart does not matter. Similarly, as long as there is a man to till the fields and father the children, it does not matter whether he cares about his children's likes and dislikes, or his wife's backache.

By reinforcing any type of gender stereotype, we make it ok for people not to think about who they are, and who they want to be. It becomes alright for a man to say 'I go to work, bring home the money and pay the bills, I demand that the children keep silent and my wife cook food to my liking daily.' We do not stop to ask him whether he would want his children to keep silent for a while because they see that he is tired, and instead of shouting around him, they press his legs or shoulders. Or whether he would prefer his wife cooks food out of affection and not fear. Why? Because this would mean he has to do more, he has to invest himself, he has to think about what kind of person he wants to be.

Specifically I was thinking about what 'liberated' women mean to men. A woman like me who has an independent income and brain, do I really need a man? The simple answer to that question is no. I do not need someone to fulfill traditionally male roles in my life. What I need, or more accurately, want for myself, is a partner. Someone who will be a part of my life, not to share tasks (though that will also happen) but to share my life. As I will share their life. Someone who wants to make a life and future with me, not just share chores and bills.

And yet, as we consistently raise boys to think about growing up, getting a job and 'providing' we forget that they need to be people. They need to have a personality, and if they have a choice about being in a relationship, and about what kind of person they want to be in that relationship. This is what patriarchy does to men, it places no importance on them being a person.

An Epiphany of Sorts

I have mentioned before that when I begin to feel depressed about the state of things, I begin to day-dream. This only happens with my personal life, and has been something that I have done from adolescence, so I suppose it's more a habit or a pattern than something useful/meaningful. Today though, I was thinking about a perfect future with a gorgeous man (specifically Vidyut Jamwal) and I realised that difference between this perfect future and my current life is not the man, but the way the man makes me feel.

Why this? Because in all my day-dreaming of another man, the man is not perfect. He has his everyday faults, like he chews with his mouth open, or is short tempered, or leaves stuff lying around. But when he looks at me, his face shines with love. When he has an opportunity to touch me, he does. And in the extended version, he is as excited as me when we get pregnant and cries with me when we hug our baby.

Part of the challenge I think, is that I am a romantic, and maybe the right fit is for romantics to hang out with each other. Because non-romantics, or should we call them realists, don't understand what the fuss is about. The fuss is about the other person. Showing them regularly how special you think they are, and being made to feel special yourself, because the other person also thinks you're special.

I guess the reason I'm upset is because none of this is new, it's stuff that I have said repeatedly, so much that mentioning these things irritates the SO because I am nagging. And not mentioning them means that I have to think about Vidyut Jammwal... 

Indians and Affection

I'm trying to get healthy again and like listening to the radio when I walk. The other day, this rather old song came on. Neele Neele Ambar. Beautiful song, but the lyrics are all about how the singer yearns for someone... basically about sex then. And through time, I've listened to lyrics of Hindi songs and they tend to be about sex. Seems like we don't want to talk about it, but we are very happy to sing about it.

What we won't talk about, sing about, or accept in public, is anything to do with affection. Any public display of affection somehow is treated as being 'against Indian culture'. So are we then an affection-less culture? Or is affection only meant to be shown behind closed doors? Also, doesn't this separate sex from affection?

I have to now tell myself that my parents showed affection by fighting with each other. They squabbled (and continue to squabble) incessantly and it was very wearying for me. I was a sensitive child and raised voices grated. I also did not notice signs of support or affection between them. There were no spontaneous hugs and I didn't understand the dynamic i.e. that my mother could go work in another city or study further was a show of support. I suppose I didn't see how it could be any other way.

Maybe it was just me, but growing up, the bonds of affection with my parents were not formed, or were broken during adolescence. Now, my father feels bad that he does not have an affection based relationship with his children, but from the point of his children, he didn't actually show us much affection. Is it that parental affection usually takes the form of buying stuff for children?

Why am I looping on this? Because SO and I probably have different ideas of how affection is expressed. I like a little physical expression every now and again, for SO, it's good that I cook and clean. I'm being very basic about this, but this is probably the correct articulation. For cooking and cleaning, you can hire someone, I expect more from a long-term loving relationship. But for him, maybe this is what being cared for feels like. Maybe he never saw the 'adult' version of being cared for or had no notion from books and stuff of what it was supposed to feel like. And maybe I'm wrong about what it is supposed to feel like too...

Chipped...

I wanted to title this post 'Broken' but I'm not broken. I am though, slightly chipped today. I am feeling uncharacteristically fragile and am attributing it to PMS. Why am I feeling fragile? Because I am feeling taken for granted all over the place. My usual 'therapy' for this is to day dream, but for a change, in my current day dream I felt incredibly insecure which has messed with my mind, threatening to push me into a blue funk. I've just changed the music I am listening to and have decided to create a short list of tasks for today, focus on those and then overdose on chocolate in all its forms.

Me and Us

Personhood and relationships are fluid concepts. I've been various people in my life and I think I'm now at the stage where I'm happy with me. There are a few things I could do differently, mostly related to exercise and engaging with family, but I'm happy with the person I am most of the time. I also find that I've chilled out a lot in terms of expectations of other people and the world. I suppose the past few years have been all about learning that my opinions are mine alone, and not right or wrong. The way other people's opinions are theirs, and may have to do with me, but do not impact me, and are certainly not right or wrong for me.

I read a book yesterday, 'Absent in the Spring' by Mary Westmacott, which was a pseudonym that Agatha Christie used, to write novels. This is the story of a lady who got married and had three children, and took no trouble to understand either her husband or her children. Who did not learn what happiness meant and certainly did not support her husband or children in their quest for happiness. The husband is the sensitive person in the family, understanding and supporting his children, and where required, showing them the errors of their ways. I cannot recall whether he tried to explain anything to his wife, but it feels now like he did not. He assumed that she would understand when he said he was unhappy with his work. That she would understand how important it was for him, as a person, to be fulfilled with what he does most of the time. It was not remotely important for her, her life was about duty, and she did that admirably.

In the story, she has a 'revelation' of sorts, where she realises that she has been blind to the people in her life, and she understands that it is all the worse that she subjected them to this because she actually loves them. If she didn't, then one could understand the punishment, but to persecute the ones you love... is beyond cruel. The ending is completely believable, and the lead up to it is clear, moments of revelation are wonderful, what matters is what you do post that.

Why did I segue into this story? When we were going for counselling, one day the discussion was about SO and this 'wall' he has built to keep intimacy somewhat at bay. The wall was what disconcerted me, because I could never hurt him. That day, he understood and felt. There is one moment that stands out in my memory, when he looked at me and really, truly, felt. He felt love and remorse and I could see it. And then he decided that the wall was going to stay. It worked for him, and isn't that what matters?

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact, and it is a fact, that SO and I will not have children. Why? Because he cannot wrap his mind around not actually having them. By the time he wraps his mind around this, I will be too old to have them. I understand this, and it makes me sad. What I also realise is that having children is a serious expression of my personality. I know I will be good at this. My children will not always love me, but they will be secure, confident human beings and hopefully will understand that being kind and respectful to/of everything and everybody is the most important thing. I still talk of them as if they will exist, my children, because, though I understand that they will not exist, I have not yet fully accepted this.

I also realise what this means for SO and me. It means that he will lose me. The person that I could have been, will not exist. This is a choice I am making because the choice is between leaving SO and trying to achieve this person, the mother that I will be, or staying with the SO and not being a mother. And I have decided that the person I am, the person I want to remain, cannot do this. He is a good man, he just does not understand what this means to me. I can explain, I can rant, I can sob, but I cannot make him feel what I feel. And he does not do empathy like I do, so unless he feels, he cannot process this.

I also do not want to be a person who has an affair. I know this. So where does this leave me? Enjoying all the children I meet short term. I met my friend's boys last weekend and they are so wonderful it's awesome. I look forward to having my own relationship with them, quite separate from my friend and know it will be rich and rewarding.

So, I know where and who I am now. I also have a sense of 'us' currently, though it's a painful, thorny time for us, whether the SO knows this or not. I also will probably resent that he doesn't see what happens to me around children, how I focus on them, how I light up... and how he is being more than cruel because he actually loves me and he is doing this to me. And then he will do something else, like iron my clothes or buy me cupcakes and I'll know that we will be alright.

Is this Forever?

I'm wandering through my life, not inspired by my work, wondering what it's about. Is there a tipping point? When you go from being a spectator, learning about stuff, doing stuff the way you are told, to becoming a teacher, teaching people? Am I there already?

I asked for a change of role so I got to learn about a new side of my organization, there is stuff to be learnt there but I haven't dived in yet. I'm yet to immerse myself in that learning experience, if you will. I'm doing some lawyering for them and am not sure if the lack of enthusiasm and inspiration is just because I've not been immersed in the learning, or because there is very little learning to be immersed in here. So... I'm waiting and watching to see how this evolves. I'm also a tad overworked as I continue to do my old role, though for a week now, I have had the ability to hand it over, I just haven't. This week I'll get that done.

And then there's my family life. Or lack thereof. We're in some kind of a rut, SO and I. I'm very happy with him, he's being a fabulous partner, but we've not made any progress on children. Which means my day to day life is very very lonely. This, the loneliness, hit me a little earlier today. I realised I have a great life, but an extremely lonely one, with apparently no scope of improvement, because we're not moving forward towards children or pets or anything. I could go to office more (I work from home a lot) or socialize with more people in the complex where we live. I could, but I really don't want to. Maybe I need a few more friends in my life? The reason I'm not thinking too hard about making new friends is because it's a temporary thing. SO is currently working on some projects with weird timings. He comes home well past midnight each day, basically arriving and leaving on the same day. This is apparently going to continue for another month or so, and may also include a trip for work. My working day is pretty much in my own time zone, so I have to start in the morning and am done by evening. When SO is not on weird projects, he's home by 8:00 p.m. and we have an evening together. I know I will always want to spend time with SO, so I'm not sure I want to start finding friends or things to do in the evening when I'll have to stop that as soon as SO has free time again.

Am I unhappy with myself? Only in the sense that I'm not able to change this situation. But I don't really want to. SO is being good and kind, we're being friendly and nice to each other. There is real love here, just a constant feeling of what next, and this realisation that my daily life is very lonely.

I think I've to find a joy in cooking, so I'll have a more fun time in the evening with myself and not poison myself by eating badly otherwise (no inspiration for meals for one).

Liquid Love

I once met a cocktail I fell in love with. It was called a Rusty Nail and is whiskey based, my then 'new favourite' alcohol. Over time the places where I could get a Rusty Nail changed, and due to the paucity of Drambuie, disappeared altogether.

I got healthy, drank less, stuck to beer in social situations, and started ignoring my favourite alcohol, whiskey. It made me mellow but also dehydrated. I travelled for work recently and found Drambuie at Duty Free.

And I have found my liquid love. It's like the Bombay Sapphire of whiskeys, smooth, tasty... Home. I feel oddly comforted, I should watch it!

Being an Adult

See, when I was younger, I couldn't wait for this time. When I was the boss, when nobody could tell me what to do. I knew it was going to be better, how could it not? I would be in charge, I would be the boss of me! What I did not know in my still childish innocence, is the pain that comes with being an adult.

What is this pain I speak of? The pain of knowing that people are. When you are a child, you are told that you have to try, try to study harder, to overcome your meaner impulses, to be kinder, to be more patient, the never-ending list of self-betterment. Every child is told this, and most try. Some adults continue to try, but as I've seen with my parents, they ultimately reach a stage where they are able to take comfort in 'being this way'. When I was growing up, coming to terms with my adult-hood, and making peace with the knowledge that I will probably be taken advantage of because I am deciding to do the right thing wherever possible, I thought that at least all other people do what they think is right.

Now? Now I've learnt that people do what they want. Either just after or just before they've done it, they justify it to themselves as it being the right thing to do, if they think about it. But for the most part, they just do. And this is what pains me the most. The realisation that people are by and large thoughtless, and by being thoughtless, are excruciatingly hurtful. I used to feel that hurtfulness with thought was bad, bordering on unforgivable, but now I feel that thoughtless hurtfulness is much worse, because it is so much more common. Insensitivity is what it is, and unacceptable is what it should be.

Why am I ranting on and on about this? Because as an adult, I am witness to adult relationships. Marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, all of which work with thoughtfulness, communication and mutual respect, and all of which fail without.

Maybe I will be the intolerant parent who punishes my child more harshly when they do something without thought than when they do the wrong thing with thought. 'What were you thinking?' being my most favourite question and 'I wasn't', being an unacceptable response. But on further thought, I will be setting this poor child up to believe that the world is full of thoughtful human beings, who know, like and respect each other, and take trouble not to hurt those who love us.

Accepting that the world is not full of thoughtful human beings, being hurt because of it, feeling the pain of my friends and family, and choosing to be a thoughtful human being anyway ... this is me being an adult.

And for my friends who have been hurt by the thoughtlessness of their lovers, I apologise for these excuses for humans. From the depths of my heart, I am sorry that you had to bear this pain. 

Spicing it Up?

I mentioned some time ago that this year, somehow, my angst about sex in my relationship has waned. It's not like my desire has waned or my willingness, just my angst about SO and me has waned. It has puzzled me a bit and it turns out that I feel it's become a bit stale.

I don't think I will find the right words to express this, it's a complicated situation. I've changed in some ways, what I enjoy has changed, but he doesn't see it. I've also changed in why I want sex, or more importantly, why I don't want it. I want intimacy. I want to be completely touched. I want it to be like when it's all new, when two people are discovering each other, when knees and elbows are new and surprising, when you don't know what tickles and what titillates , what calms and what teases... I guess I want to be loved.

That's not to say that SO doesn't love me, I've never been more sure that he does. I guess it's just how he chooses to express it. He is much more sensitive towards me and accepting of my quirks regarding affection/demonstration.

Can I distill this down to a few basic points? Yes. Do I want to do anything about these basic points? I'm not sure. One of the 'issues' is that I'm not as active as I was a while ago, so my self confidence is down, and if I initiate and he rebuffs, I feel rotten. Something that I have stopped allowing myself to feel.

In the long run, is this a problem? I don't know. I'm mainly concerned about what will happen if another man shows interest in me. What I do know about myself is that I enjoy sex. I am not sure I want to write it out of my life altogether, but as with everything else in a marriage, it's a two person thing. And like everything else, we need to communicate about it. Given that my current topic of communication is children, I guess I can see why I'm not incented to bring this one up.