Yoda! That Old Frog!

I want to abuse Yoda a little more roundly, but I find I cannot. Words are hurtful things. But see, the dude said 'do or do not, there is no try', providing a super easy excuse for those who don't want to try. If there is no in between, then there is no failure.

Though maybe I'm being unfair to Yoda. He was only trying to encourage a boy to give something his best shot. Though he was using the word 'try' as somehow telling yourself that failure is acceptable. Is that really so bad? What is life but a series of tries? You find some things you can really make a go of, and you get to higher heights with them, but if you hadn't tried, where would you be? If you hadn't dipped your toe in the shallow end when you were afraid of the deep, would you ever have learnt to swim?

Personally, I think that trying is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself. It opens you up to new experiences and new worlds, and it opens up parts of you, that you may never have known you had. I love trying new stuff, and my plan is to do something new regularly, just so I know how it works for me. I've learnt that I love swimming and my body's good at it. I'm mostly a self taught swimmer, but now I have pretty good technique, purely because I kept trying. I've learnt that I'm good at languages, I like learning and I love communicating, so it's been fun. Also, being in a class with other novice learners is wonderful, similar interests, similar levels of ability, camaraderie. I think I also like teaching, but that's one for the future. More immediately, I want to learn music again, probably the guitar because I still don't have room for a piano/keyboard, and scuba diving. Definitely scuba diving.

Yoda,  somethings I may do, somethings I may do not, but I will sure as hell try.

What I talk about, when I talk about Children

As with every relationship, the more things change, the more they stay the same. SO's being nice to me, but seems to be hoping that the difficult questions evaporate. The most difficult question is children. I think I finally asked it the right way yesterday. He's been saying 'we'll do whatever you want' and I finally was able to articulate that I'm not able to 'do what I want' because it's a child. We did research, field work and discussed for ages before we bought a house and a car, so why are we not doing the same for a child?

At the crux of it though, is what it means to me. I thought I would be able to live without children, but I find that I'm powerfully attracted to them. I want to smile at children, make faces at them, play with them etc. It's not too far out to imagine that I could feel a child would be better off with me, if left alone in a pram by tired parents. Even rationally, I've thought about the work of taking care of a child and I'm actually looking forward to it, I want to deal with ear aches and poopy diapers. I want to teach a child to eat and use a loo. I want a little person in my life, for whom everything is brand new.

And I want to share all this with someone who is as excited as I am about it. And maybe that someone is not SO, while that is sad, that is acceptable. Because I think it's really unfair to a child if we adopt it without this level of excitement and enthusiasm.

Writing Your Own Love Story

I'm back home now, back in my city, my office... I'm adjusting in some ways and being difficult in others. I thought that I'd explained enough to the SO, and I have in parts and have not in parts. I am though, sure that I'm not  going to leave him. It's not like I don't want to from time to time, but that I feel this is an important part of my life. He and his family are now an important part of my life and I don't think I have the inclination, energy or time to change that.

This realisation has made me believe that I must be more open about my issues, be more forthcoming about what I feel and why, so SO can decide what he wants to do about it. I think this approach is working well, because he now has more information about what it will take to make this work, and I am not feeling shut out or unimportant, because he's actively listening and responding.

This particular post though, is about love stories, the way they are in romance novels. I'm a romantic, was and probably always will be. Which means that I like a certain kind of man, the hero of a romance novel. I know that almost all romance novels are written by women, so there are no men like that, but I found this - http://juliagrey.wordpress.com/contributors-stories/ten-ways-to-be-a-lover-a-man-looks-at-romance-novels/ and it's spot on! Some of the 'characteristics' of a romantic novel hero include being super rich and good at everything, and having good genes (tall, dark and handsome) is obviously fictitious, and some of the behaviour advice, while in keeping with the genre, is just misogynistic (touch early and often) but some stuff is accurate for me.

In short, I would like my man to think only of me. Obviously not all the time, but from time to time I'd like to know that I'm the only thing on his mind, or at least that I am on his mind from time to time. I'd also like him to be the best I've ever had, and to declare himself repeatedly and often. I'm learning how to be more secure in myself, but that apart, I think in a relationship, I'd like to know that my significant other values me. For now, the message seems to be getting through, which bodes well for 2013.

I think i will have the love story I want, eventually. And when I tell it then, it will be with a relationship of long standing and a true life-partner. A worthwhile life and love story.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It was my first Thanksgiving in the US and I spent it with a second cousin and her friends. I had a much better time than I expected, because I expected a bunch of people talking about themselves (talk about low expectations!) What I found instead, were a bunch of bright, articulate people who were warm and welcoming, we played Taboo and some of us even watched a movie (Life of Pi). I got back today, have some work to get done, and potentially a dinner tonight. Most of the people I spoke to over Thanksgiving are older than me, and the one message I got for myself, is that you've got to be self-aware.

Life of Pi is a beautiful movie! It's so... beautiful! I haven't read the book and as always, the way India and Indians are portrayed jarred a bit, but it was still very beautiful. I'm guessing Irfan Khan will soon become a sought after Hollywood star, people will begin writing parts for him, which is good for all Indian talent in North America I guess.

Also, as some of the people I met over the weekend are very into music, I heard of 'Perfect' by Pink. Like everything else of it's type, this song made me cry. The sanitized video is simple, about how easy it is to make a child confused. Maybe it's especially true about little girls or girls, who are anyway bombarded with messages about body and beauty but maybe not. At any rate, as an adult (who should therefore know better) with self-esteem issues, this song made sense. I wanted to say that I've forgiven my parents for not noticing or not helping earlier, but that forgiveness is complete, so I no longer want to say that. They did their best, and I know that. So we're good. What's left now is for me to work on myself.

I saw a version of the Cinderella story, in some magical kingdom, with Anne Hathaway and a really cute prince. The twist in the story was that Ella was cursed to be obedient, when people discover this, they use it to their advantage, making her do things she doesn't want to, and to hurt people she likes.  [SPOILER ALERT] The way she breaks the curse though, is to tell herself what to do, while looking in a mirror. It's a very simple twist, which she doesn't discover till a very crucial point in the story, but that's the key isn't it?

We grow up, believing what the world tells us about us. We grow older and learn about ourselves, learn that we can change and learn new stuff, be different. And I'm  now working on telling myself what to believe about me. I may not be perfect, but I am certainly enough.

Clashing Tides

Today, my parents depart after visiting the US for 55 days. When they came, I realised that it had been over 10 years since I shared a house with them for more than an occasional day. For one month, we shared a bathroom, then they travelled for 2 weeks and now for another 9 days, we've been 'family' again. Not a complete family as my brother is elsewhere (where they were for 2 weeks) and somehow, the thought of them leaving makes me tear up.

I thought it might be relief that they're going, but it's not. I'm going to miss having them around, as remarkably weird as that sounds.Sure, we aggravated each other, but we're family, we took the aggravation and tried to be nicer. They did stuff like grocery shopping and cooking and fixing things, so I wouldn't have to. I took them places and negotiated the unfamiliar as much as I could, so they didn't have to. And this is what it's about. 3 adults who like each other enough to make allowances for tempers and moods, and want to help each other do less. What also upsets me is that when we all go back (I follow in just about 2 weeks) we'll go back to seeing each other once on 2 weeks or 3 weeks for 2 hours or so, our lives going back to routines that don't include each other, and this makes me ineffably sad. I guess I finally understand what the parent-child relationship is. Especially one where we've all made our peace with the people we are, have gone beyond control issues, so genuinely respect each other and trust each other.

I'm going to miss my mommy and daddy!

The Things You Know

Or don't know or want to learn or want to ignore... or whatever :)

When I was little, I heard or read the story of the monk in training who studied for years and years and then took the all important exam. The exam had a single question 'What do you know?' The eximinee wrote pages and pages and thought hard and took as long as he possibly could. When the results came out, he had failed and he complained bitterly to his master. The master just told him that he hadn't leant the right lesson. So the monk studied harder for many more years, and then took the exam again. The question was the same, but this time, the examinee answered with a single sentence. When he read the sentence, the master hugged the monk and told him he had passed.

The thing about this story is, they don't tell you what the sentence is. So when I was little, I thought the sentence was 'I don't know anything.' I was in my teen years, or maybe early 20s, learning about biases and stereotypes and how colour is a concept and numbers are representations, I thought that must be it. Nobody could say with any certainty that they knew anything at all.

Then a few years ago, I found QI. IT's a quiz show on BBC which is now in it's 10th season, which I discovered in my 30s. As it's not available on TV where I am, it's available on YouTube :) QI is merely an example, but basically, though my life, I've retained a curious spirit, I want to know more. I keep reading things, learning things, forgetting things, but I want to know more. And paradoxically, I found there were some things I was sure I knew. Things like you must always be kind. Things like all people are the same and must be treated equally.

So now, in my mid-30s, my answer to the monk's exam question is 'I have a lot to learn.' Maybe one day I will find the answer to the question in the actual story, but till then, this is my answer.

Soft

I can't tell if I'm too soft, but I'm weird. I cry easily, in a way that people that know me, both personally and professionally (apart from the SO) would not expect or even acknowledge. When I am with myself, when I'm fully me, hurt touches me deeply and the grave injustices of the world suggest that God is not kind or beautiful and certainly not all-loving. I've felt like this before, when my 30 year old cousin died from a brain aneurysm that a 30 year old had no business having. Leaving behind him a wife who was his college sweetheart who had to go through another marriage to get to him, and a 4 month old baby who is almost 4 now, growing up with words about her father instead of memories.

Today, thanks to Google's abilities to find something or the other in response to any search query, I found http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/. A blog by a lady who was married to a man she loved and who loved her. Three children, two of whom were adopted, two with special needs, one with psychological issues that they were working with. The last post was in October 2011, talking about how the family scatterred the ashes of her husband. I read on to the time he died, a 46 year old man who died of a heart attack, suddenly one Saturday, while with his children. Then I went back to the last published post and noticed a list of comments. The blogger had herself, passed away 2 days after her last post, injured fatally in a freak road accident. At first, reading her blog, I cried for what she'd lost, and how simply she talked about her challenges. And how she was being a good person, choosing the 'right way' each time, every day, though it's a very difficult thing to do. And then I cried for the children. In 3 months, their world changed completely. From struggling with their issues with the support of two wonderful, loving, caring parents, they had to face the world themselves. They continued to have family, a grand parent and an aunt, and I hope they are doing well, but my heart goes out to them.

I can't tell what it is, but these ordinary cruelties of life are killing me these days.

Inside a Lamb ... or was it a Cow?

I now own a leather jacket that I promise to love and cherish until death parts me from it. It is soft and supple and tan and... beautiful. I feel, at some level, sad that it was an animal that is no more, but I also feel glad that it is now mine, and how wonderful it is to have this beautiful thing to keep the wind away from me. My time in DC is coming to an end and I've to contemplate packing. Thanks to the new jacket, I now can send back several other bulky jackets with my parents who are off 10 days before me.

My dear animal that died so I could find this jacket, thank you. I see you!

I'm also writing now, to remind myself that I see me. Whatever happens to me, around me and for me, I need to remember it is who I am on the inside that counts. Beauty, for the world, is a flexible concept. A beautiful person though, is one who is always appreciated and yes, even loved.

I can accept that I am and probably always will be a romantic. I am a sucker for a happy ending and I believe in true love and mush. I don't think I want to change that. What I do want to remember though, is that havng or not having that in my life doesn't make me any more or less of a person. Or even a less beautiful person. Yes, there is the yearning to be able to attract that kind of love and longing, but it's ok. If it's not for me, it's ok.

What is for me is knowing that I am and want to remain a good person. I want to remain kind and helpful, looking at the bright side of things, believing the best of people and situations. I want to keep learning and trying to do the right thing. I want to be the best person I can be in this life, to cause the least hurt and pain, and be the most support that I can be. And my face and figure are coincidenes of genetics which I can work to keep healthy, but will not attract lasting love or friendship the way my personality will.

What is Wrong with TV Today

I'm saying 'today' but what I really mean, is in the age when broadcasting companies seem to have forgotten that they are also held to some standards. When TV was invented, the first uses were to share information, like the news, or like shows on science or the natural world etc. But people, being people, they quickly got bored, so TV became entertainment. Anything wrong with that? No, not at all. But what I now take objection to is what is considered entertaining, and who is watching it.

TV came into my life in my teenage years, when I was impressionable and didn't really have opinions of my own. I was also just beginning to despise my parents (something I've now grown out of) so obviously nothing they said was any good. What I did have though, was TV programming that had people who tried to do the right thing. Where the characters acted on their best impulses rather than their worst ones, where the moral was that if you do the right thing, everything always works out. Heck, where there was a moral!

Maybe that kind of TV is now seen as boring, but trust me, there are a lot more impressionable children watching TV now than there were back then, and maybe they don't have good examples in their daily lives. Maybe they don't have access to literature, where you can see characters in stories work out these things and learn from them, and maybe they deserve this insight?

The Hard Truths

I'm learning more about myself every day or every so often, and some of these things I learn are... well, not pretty I guess?

For a variety of reasons, I had to bring myself up, and through my adolescence, I dealt with the tough times by thinking of this perfect man who I would find, who would take care of me. He'd think I was beautiful and amazing, and would constantly tell me this. He'd hold me when I was upset (which was constantly) and stroke my hair when I cried. It was very important for me at that time, to be thought beautiful.

I grew older and this need stayed. I got to know guys, and somehow, never got the sense that they thought I was 'beautiful'. They may have, poor guys, but none of them really said so. They may have also thought I was amazing, but who knows. And then there was SO. He never ever said anything about my looks... or when he did, it was more about what I was not. I learned those lessons very well. I listened for every reference he made to my appearance, and others, and learnt that he didn't think I'm particularly attractive. Whether this is true or not. I say this, because one occasion, he has called me beautiful.

But that's not the point at all, the point is what this means to me. It's that as I've grown more confident in my work and in my personality, I've also wanted to grow more confident in my attractiveness. It's purely for ego, it's for the way I want to see myself. Apparently it's not good enough to have clear good skin, and nice features (though my nose is a little big). What I want is to have someone enamoured of my looks. And I'm on the cusp now. The cusp of young and not-so-young. I'm 35, too old for young guys to be interested in. Maybe even too old for 30 year old men, or 40 year old men, depending on what is available to them.

And it's irritatingly, one of the things that I keep coming back to with SO. I hold it against him that he doesn't think I'm attractive, mainly because i think he's gorgeous. Like a quid-pro-quo.

What I understand about myself now, is that it's a stupid thing that I've clung to for years. It doesn't matter whether others find me attractive (they'll tell me what they think I want to hear, till they get what they want). What matters is who I am, and how I see myself. And I'm a good person. I'm nice and kind and sensible and sensitive. And I'm going to continue to age with these characteristics, and one day, my face will show it, but people won't care about my face by then.

I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this, but I'm happy I've found this out. Now, just to make sure I've actually understand it fully, I'm going to repeat it. My face only shows the world who I am. The arrangement of my features does not reflect my personality, my expressions do. I'd much rather the world sees me, than sees a pleasing arrangement of features. And the 'me' that I want them to see, is a kind, sensitive, sensible and fun person. A person who prefers to see the bright side of life and the beauty in the world.

Welcome to the world!

Away and Easy (Not)

So... with work, I have the opportunity to do an 'internship' and I'm doing it. 3 months in Washington DC, of which one month is nearly up. When I thought about this time to myself, before I came, I looked at it as this cathartic time of aloneness. Possibly even a time of anonymity, when my daydreams might come true, and my worst night mares would fade away.

In this month, the only thing that has happened is an increasing understanding that I am not happy. That I'm doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, waiting for someone to give me an award. Someone to say 'you've been so good! Here's your prize!'. And the prize would be fabulous. Then I realised that it will never happen. I get only this life, to live as I choose. And if I choose to life it doing stuff that doesn't make me happy, that's fine. It's my choice, but I cannot hold that choice against anybody else. In short, if nobody ever gives me an award, would I continue to do what I'm doing?

With most of my life, yes, I would. I'd continue being the kind of daughter I am, probably the kind of sister I am, and friend I am. I wouldn't change the way I work much either (not winning any awards there anyway). But in this relationship with SO... the 'children' question comes up again.

Can I live without children, yes, I can, but then I'd need SO to be a very different person in terms of how he relates to me. He's a great guy, but he's not good for my female soul. He's been a great friend and is smart and funny, and cares enough to tell me when I'm wrong, but he doesn't help the 'woman' in me much. He's honest to a fault with me, so has repeatedly told me that I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't claim to be, but I'd like to feel once in a while, that for him, I am. There are occasions when he's called me beautiful (which I clearly will always remember). The woman in me wants to be cuddled and spoiled, and taken care of, and he does very little of that. Maybe he doesn't know how. I'd like to think I've tried to teach him how, but maybe I haven't. Anwyay... I guess I'm feeling that I've been 'good' and have not yet got my award. And there's a chance that without children, I'll never get an award.

So I put this out there. And given that we're in different time zones, one of us is asleep during the other's day. Which means, as much as I'm afraid that he'll say 'I am what I am', I'm going to stay this course. Every time in the past, that I can remember pushing an issue, I've backed down at the fear of losing him. This time, though I'm afraid, I guess it's a watershed. I need to know, I need resolution.

As much as this is hurting me, and as much as I hate hurting him, I'm far enough away that I can wait for it to play out. I am sorry though, and very very sad.

My Day!

Today has been an almost perfect day professionally. Or the perfect culmination to a challenging week. Or not... just, a really wonderful day. I've been part of a particular group at work, which has nothing to do with my job (i.e. an employee related thing) which was challenging, but very rewarding. Today was our 'annual event'. I led this event and it went off almost hitch-free, I met a lot of wonderful people and I earned a lot of respect and brownie points. Why it's a specially wonderful day, is because the respect and brownie points are for me doing what I do and being me. It's intensely rewarding to know that who you are, is appreciated. Not because you did something for someone, but just because you are you. What this means to me, is being calm and patient, is asking questions instead of making accusations, is doing the right thing - accepting blame and correcting mistakes as soon as you realise that it's a mistake. It's also about being nice to people, just because they are people. Today, I am more than just happy with myself, I am proud of myself. For me, this is a phenomenal thing.

Ongoing Learning

I was not an organized child, I grew up trying to be careful and now, rarely misplace keys, wallets, phones etc. In short, I thought I had 'become' careful. Of late, I'm learning that I am not. I had forgotten to do a couple of important things at work, I've lost some tax papers, and I'm really angry with myself. I had thought (and I still hope this is true) that I would not lose anything important. That I'd find stuff when I need it, though it may not always be in the most logical or even accessible place. And yet, here I am. I've lost records of my having filed tax returns for 3 years. I had these original acknowledgements, and I have lost them. I feel extremely foolish and angry. I have got to be smarter about this stuff. Keeping track of electricity bills and credit card statements (which I actually have) is one thing, but keeping track of personal documentation (i.d. proof, tax filings, voters registration etc.) is much more important and I've been to lax about these. Something was bound to give, and something has. Again, I'm still hopeful that the papers are in some non-logical, difficult to access place (mainly because I rarely throw things) but I'll now have to plan how to manage this going forward. Given that more and more documents are now in electronic form, I'll have to do some serious thinking.

Perspective

So, SO has a friend, she was a very good friend for a while, but now that they are in different cities, the friendship is a little less close. She got married late last year and SO didn't go. Today is SO's birthday and she called or messaged to wish him. In that process, she also revealed that she's currently not with her husband, because he is insane! Those are not her words, they're mine, and I'm trying hard to be rational or neutral about this, but I have this urge to slap the man very hard! He found a wonderful, sensible woman, who had a good life going, they decided to get married, and then he found 'differences in their position'. Basically, he figured he and his family are too good for her and hers. I have insufficient detail, but understand that it's about finances. She's basically not as rich as him and he doesn't like it. He knew this when he met her, he knew this before they got engaged, but it didn't matter enough then. What pisses me off is two things (a) that he did nothing about this before marriage; and (b) that he's even letting this bother him! She is professionally qualified, in a good job, has been moving up a career ladder, it's pretty safe to assume that in her life-time, she will be upwardly mobile. So, while she may not have grown up with as much money as him, and maybe that affects the way she views options (like where to eat, where to shop, where to live) but I don't see that as a bad thing. Maybe his way of seeing things is not appropriate either! Clearly he sees this as an issue and chose to be insulting about her and hers. Why this really upsets me is because I'm a trained lawyer, and this is an injustice that our legal system should be able to address, to the extent that it makes a violent example of this man, so that others will think twice about behaving this way. Yet, given the state of our legal system, and my current occupation, I cannot do anything. I feel very strongly for her, and wish I could speak to her, but I doubt I will. I hope that they will get some counselling, and if they make it, that he'll learn that money is a very inadequate measure of personality or potential. Why this post is called 'Perspective' though, is because I'm in a situation where I've to think carefully about my relationship with SO. We're grappling with the question of children and it seems more and more, that only one person's preference will be fulfilled. Not like there's a real choice there, one of us wants children, the other doesn't. There is no middle ground. Which forces me to think about what I want (ostensibly, children) and what I really want (children with SO?), and what I really really want(SO in my life?). We've had a variety of stresses over the last year and a half, mostly related to the frustration of the fighting over children, and I lost sight of SO, the person that he is and what he does for me. In counselling, I'm forced to consider who I am because of who he is, and I'm a much nicer, more balanced person than I would be, if he wasn't himself, or wasn't around. I can say again that I love him very much. He's a good man, and both those words hold a world of meaning. He's good in the way that I love (and would want any man that I love to be), and a man in they way that I love. Which means, that I'm trying to choose between a person that I love and respect and (when things are going normally) want to spend my life with, and the potential of having a child. It is that simple isn't it? But when things are going horribly (as they have been for a while) then I have nothing. I have a man who I dislike intensely, and no potential of having a child. The correct answer, is to wait for the end of counselling before I decide anything, I will also, look at other opportunities to get my kid-fix. Maybe volunteering, or working with a day-care, or baby-sitting for a neighbour, or some such, so I spend time around children.

The Private and the Public

When you study any sort of social science, you get drawn into discussions of this sort. Is there a divide between the private and the public? Should there be? Do some people lose their right to this divide by virtue of public office? Is that fair? The reason I am bringing this up now is because a senior politician has resigned from certain posts because a member of his household staff released some footage of said politician indulging in what is arguably sexual intercourse with a woman who is not his wife. Why this footage was created, nobody seems to care. Why is that a question you ask? Because if he w a hot shot politician, it would be a sex tape that someone was making for extortion. That is a crime and nobody would be asking who the woman is. As a citizen of this country, do I care that the man is being unfaithful? Maybe a little, but very little. If he was extorting sexual favours from people who came to him for help, I would be more concerned. What has allegedly happened is that his rights, and the rights of his partner and family have been violated, and he is being punished for it. Do I condone adultery? No, but it is not my business. If the man's wife chooses to take action, I would support her, if she doesn't, it is her choice. If the other woman has been coerced and chooses to speak out about it, I would support her. At present, I support him as a victim of a rights violation, which is going uninvestigated because he is famous and has apparently given up a right to privacy.

Who I am and What I do

I am enjoying my 30s. I'm young and healthy, earning well and working smart. Also, I seem to have attained some kind of internal balance. I understand myself so much better, my moods, my triggers, what upsets me and why, all good things, because I can do something about fixing issues.

I will not currently post about relationships, because those are impacted by this confidence and awareness and are all coping in their own ways.

What I do want to say is that I still find Sufi music the most comforting. I'm not sure whether it's the music or the lyrics, but it seems to work well. I'm curious about this because I have experience with hymns, which express very similar feelings, in very similar words (albeit in English) but I'm seeking out my Sufi songs and not hymns. I'm also intrigued by the lack of Hindu religious music in my head. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but I don't want to discriminate :)

It's only April and actually a lot has happened this year. A lot more promises to happen and I'm growing as a person. I'm happy with this growth.

Update of sorts

So we went for counselling and it was pretty good. SO said stuff to her that he hasn't said to me and I could see how I am shortchanging him at times. A promising start. He also made an appointment with a doctor for tests and put himself through the humiliation of a physical exam. The actual tests will only be on Monday but it's another step towards me.

And he bought me this kick-ass phone! It is a HTC One X and is not yet a phone because it doesn't have a sim card, but it is now my computer and is great fun!

SO if you read this, I love you. I know I've been a bitch to you lately but I do love you. I don't want to leave you but still don't understand what will keep us together if we don't have children. I am sorry.

Counselling

Tomorrow, we go for our first counselling session. I've never been, and when things with SO are going well, I see no need. We actually talk to each other, have fun in each other's company, are nice to each other, show respect etc. And then one or the other of us makes the mistake of bringing up children, or sex, or travel or one of the many hot button issues, and it all falls apart from there. On days when we're both relaxed and willing to try to keep tempers in check, we find some way around this, but it's killing me at some level to have to avoid topics and things.

What's killing me the most is that I'm going to be 35 and I've spent 11 years with this man. If he's not able to see a future for us that's at least related to what I see, then I'll probably want out (will take a few months to figure that out). By then, I'll be even older, and my chances at finding happiness and maybe a family with someone else will be very low.

Do I want to leave him? No, not really. I do love him, I enjoy his company, but it's hard to get his company and though it's been better in the last 2 months, the lack of sex was also very difficult to deal with. I don't want to have to beg for conversation and affection in my marriage, I believe it should be a part of the package.

However, I also believe that SO can't give me these things easily. For him, it's a real effort to engage with someone else, even if that someone is me. And I'm tired of forcing him to engage.

I don't know what we'll get out of tomorrow's session, but I suppose it's a good start.

Updates in General

As anticipated, my friend and her husband have decided to keep the baby. So, as of 23rd March 2012, I'm childless again. It is not really a big deal, except that I am still convinced that I want to be a parent. SO... seems convinced or at any rate, interested, but whether that will translate into any action remains to be seen.

This 'baby' thing has caused SO and me immense stress. To the extent that it still has the ability to break us up. Maybe it's purely stereotypical but I have always thought that I want to be a parent. Discussions with SO have also typically included children in the future. And yet here we are, I'm going to be 35 in 2 months and not pregnant. He... doesn't seem to care. I don't need to be pregnant, but I want a child/children. And his doing nothing about it hurts me. It also reminds me about the time he took to marry me and the drama we went through then.

At present, I am very angry with SO and every day is a test for him, most days he passes, but on the days he fails, I feel miserable and consider separating. I'm trying to contact a therapist so I can go talk about this. Why am I angry?

1. Because I try hard to do all the things that I think he appreciates (cooking/cleaning, giving him space, letting him play, not bugging him etc.) and he snaps at me on a whim;
2. He won't commit to either having children or not having them;
3. He won't commit to improving himself or his life;
4. He doesn't seem to care about a 'future'.

I need to work out some of this stuff for myself, i.e. if he doesn't do any of 2, 3, or 4, would I still want to be with him? How long do I continue trying to be the 'good wife'? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations?

Also, I think I need to work out some anger in the baby process. I feel hurt and well... not cheated, but not treated very fairly. I know my friend feels bad, but I'm also angry with her and SO for putting me in this position.

I think I need a proper vacation, where unfortunately the only one I can see coming up is with SO's family, where I will actually have to maintain a check on my temper and be as patient as possible with all of them, including SO.

Clearly I'm currently feeling very sorry for myself. Time to remember faya kun.

Fayakun

I watched Rockstar a while ago and was hopelessly confused. I didn't understand the purpose, I didn't understand what the characters were doing, didn't understand why a music company was sending artists to the Czech Republic... but I liked some of the songs very much.

I thought that I like Sufi music a lot, and in my stupidity, assumed that Kun Fayakun was a Sufi song. Finally today I decided to look it up. It may be, but the words are from the Quran and reflect that God is supreme, when God says 'be', it is.

I am trying to accept a few things these days, as God's will. I wish I could be as a thing, be because God decrees it, and not have to think about why/how/why me etc.

I have to remember that I can get there. When it is decreed to be, it is. As am I.

Dararein hai Maathe pe Maula

I appreciated the sentiment before, but now I'm a follower. I'm religious in a weird way. I believe in God, not religion. I'll pray to any God, any time, I thank God regularly, I try to do the right thing all the time, so I'm not offending God.

I'm not a perfect person, I don't think I will ever be one, but right now, my muqadar could use some marammat.

Baby Update

I've been working through my baby-related angst in real life, so didn't put too much on here, but that's beginning to change. My friend is now 25 weeks pregnant and it all seemed to be going swimmingly, but apparently we've hit a roadbump.

She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.

Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).

Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.

Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?

Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.

She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.

But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be fine with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.

The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.

I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.

Loving Life

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, that wasn't surprising, it comes along every year. What I want to talk about though, is how I'm doing. Yesterday, I worked hard, did a lot of things, was pleased with progress. I did more work than I technically needed to, got a few small things out of the way as well (always pleasing).

Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.

It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.

2012

I was chatting online and was asked if I believed the world was going to end in 2012. I'm not sure, but if it is going to end, I'd like more notice please? To find out in November that the world is actually going to end is not enough. Could I have a few more months notice? Like 6-8?

What would I do though... very difficult question. Why? Because I think I'd go completely selfish. I'd stop working, take out all my savings, divorce SO and travel the world. I might be more healthy as a result of the travel and maybe I'll attract more attention, maybe from a hot Spaniard...

What do I have to look forward to for 2012? Maybe a baby, a relationship that is... well, is, I guess. We're friends, we hug and sometimes kiss every day, the affection is warm, but no passion. In short, no sex. No sex in 2012 yet and since I've decided not to push it... maybe no sex at all?