Recovered!

 I forgot what my password was. I thought I had lost this blog, and my space to be me publicly, forever. Then suddenly one night, I remembered the password. I remembered how I created the password and why, and here I am.

It's been 3 years since I last posted and in this time, I have been journalling in real time. In some ways, that is better, but in some ways much worse. Why worse? Because the journal is sitting around for someone else to read. Someone about whom I had written terrible things, based on how I was feeling a particular day. Could they read this blog? Sure, but one doesn't know it exists, and the other has probably forgotten.

I remembered the password, then I didn't log in for a while. Today, I was typing something into a browser, starting with 's' and my blog name popped up. So I gave it a shot. And I've recovered my space!

Football Fever

I love football as a sport, it requires extreme athleticism and extreme teamwork. At present though, I am feeling like a football.

In some ways, a football has only one job, to get passed from foot to foot (or occasionally hand) for about 100 minutes per game. I am currently being passed from foot to foot, while being expected to continue performing my daily tasks, at the same level of efficiency and quality as always.

I am slightly surprised by how much this has thrown me. Let's try to unpack.

On Thursday, 20th September, 2018, my boss announced that I was being moved to a different team. There was no news on who I'd be moving to, or what I would do in this new team. I made some assumptions, and was slightly angry that my input was not sought in this process. I understood, but I was not happy. The move was announced on Friday 21st September, 2018, with some more announcements about which team I would go to and who I'd be reporting to. Some comfort there, it seemed like a vote in favour of my capabilities. There were some grey areas/gaps, but I was comfortable that I was being taken care of.

On Monday, 24th September, 2018, I realised that I saw things a little differently than the reality, and thought that with my current boss's support, we can get there. I tried to get to speak to my current boss, but was fobbed off to a later date. I was disconcerted, but carried on with some activities related to the move. All the activities seemed like they made sense, had good feedback, and I asked again, to speak to my boss regarding the activities. I was given a hearing on 28th September, 2018 (which went very well with regard to the activities) and informed that, once again, I would be changing managers. Again, I understand, but am now seriously disturbed.

Why am I disturbed? I have a list, which we may work through:

1. I have a very full plate;
2. I need time to process change, and I'm having changes flung at me, without any space to process them;
3. I do not know whether my new manager will be as receptive to my need for flexibility and my style of operations as my old manager (not interim manager, who knows nothing about this) will be, which makes me afraid for my role in the organisation;
4. I do not know what is expected of me;
5. I feel seriously disrespected, in that my inputs were not sought, not once, but twice, and there is an underlying assumption that I will be fine with it.
6. I work best when I feel appreciated. I can be underpaid and overworked and I will still deliver, as long as I know that my work is appreciated. All of this leaves me feeling that my work is not appreciated, or that I'm being taken advantage of.
7. When I feel unappreciated, or taken advantage of, I lose motivation to work. Because my primary motivation is to be told I'm doing a good job.

I feel like a tightly wound spring, and I need to uncoil because I'm not able to cope with my son, a child, who will one day have to learn to cope with this stuff himself. Why?

It feels like the answer is that my coping mechanisms are as follows:

1. Withdraw into myself;
2. Identify the source of the discomfort;
3. Evaluate measures to deal with said discomfort;
4. Deploy measures to deal;

This takes time and space, which I lack during the work week, because - life. SO has been incredibly supportive this weekend, allowing me the time and space I need to make my peace with my life at present.

I'm now at Stage 3 - evaluate measures to deal. The measures that I'm adopting are:

1. Remember that there's a team looking to me for direction on how to react. If I react poorly, they will react poorly;
2. Remember that I do not need this job. It is a job, and it is work, I have set my life up in a way that means I can quit the job, and not find myself flat on my face;
3. I want to be professional enough to complete all tasks well, because that's the standard I hold myself to, irrespective of what the organisation expects of me;
4. I need to prepare talking points to highlight my discomfort to the organisation, so that the next time they embark down this path, they do not treat someone like me, the way they have treated me.

In short, at present, I have the upper hand and moral high ground. I can take the high road, because that's who I am, but I must also call out what I perceive as disrespect, so that the organisation is also held to a higher standard.

As always, thank you blog, for listening!

Of Jobs and Work

One thing I prided myself on, was not needing to worry about money. In my working life so far, money had come to me when I needed it, and usually as much, or more than I needed. I have had managers who were appreciative of my efforts and skills, and were communicative of it.

I now find myself in a situation where money is becoming a bit of a challenge, as I need to plan for education for my child, and potentially other living arrangements. I also have a manager who claims to be appreciative of my efforts and skills, but appreciation does not extend to financial incentives. My organization recently underwent a salary revision, ostensibly company-wide, but I was not considered. Not because I was not eligible, but because my boss did not think I needed one. When I questioned this, she seemed to suggest that I am not doing enough.

That has cut me to the quick. After the hurt subsided, I am now dealing with the anger, and the accompanying lack of motivation. I genuinely believe I have gone above and beyond, working at every available opportunity, sometimes on weekends. By nature, I do not complain, and until now, I have not had to ask for a raise or a promotion because it seemed obvious that I deserved one.

According to SO, the challenge might be in my boss's attitude as much as it is in my lack of outward communication of what I do. This may be accurate as well, but it is outside my control, so, is it worth considering?

The reason I need to blog about this, where I tend not to blog about work, is because I remain very angry. So angry, that I'm not interested in doing any of the work that I have accepted already. I am, similarly, not inclined to take on new work. I know this about myself, I thrive with recognition, even if it is not public recognition. I need my boss/manager to pat me on the head and say I've been a good girl. I am now old enough to stop with this attitude.

I need to grow up in this area and decide whether I'm going to do the work to a level satisfactory to me, and have it out with my boss, or I'm going to have it out with my boss about how this has impacted me, and that I'm not sure that I can continue working even to the level that I have so far.

I need to be clear and practical about what I can realistically manage. To be pragmatic about the demands I am placing on myself, and how sustainable they are. And then communicate this to my boss transparently. If this means my ratings suffer, or that I am not considered for future promotions/hikes, so be it. Because to me, it will mean that I'm putting my health and family first.

Just to be clear, what I have done in the past year, definitely since June 2017, is to put this job first. I've relocated my son (granted, he is happier), relocated my family, and worked at every available opportunity on week days. I count socializing with work colleagues as working, because it is not 100% socializing, it involves building a culture and sharing experiences and guidance.

Can I say with objectivity, that my boss has been unfair? I don't know, because I cannot see anybody else's experience. I cannot force her to share information about anybody else, nor do I want her to. I realise my fundamental mistake is in not realising (a) that she doesn't have any benchmarks to evaluate whether I get paid appropriately for the market here; and (b) I don't know what kind of communication she expects about what I do.

Doing work... this one I have to figure out. I cannot compromise my health and sanity, and I need to understand whether this team values my intellectual pursuits at all or not. If they do, then I'm ready to continue contributing them. If not, I'm willing to do that work for me, and not share with the team. Will that change my visible contribution of work? Probably not, but it will make things much more bearable for me. To constantly feel I am not doing enough is not working for me.

What can I do about it? Earlier this year, I spoke to my boss about going back to part-time. That worked for her and for me (though I needed more money). If I can go back to part-time with the current expense model, which will force more saving and less guilt/more rest, I should be better. Why does the less guilt/more rest matter? Because when I'm tired or sad, I eat. And this 'eating' involves ordering food, which is not cheap. It's a vicious cycle, but one that I know I can nip in the bud, if I'm smart about how I manage. I need to speak to SO about this, because it will impact our financial situation, but at this point, it's probably best for all of us. If I officially work only 6 hours a day, then I have time to cook/exercise during the day. It makes me less on edge around the child, as I don't have more tasks to complete when he's around. It also means I can relax a little regarding evening calls, so will be more relaxed when he goes to sleep.

Is this the 'fair' outcome? I don't think so, but I'm willing to put off fairness for now, focussing instead on what is best for my family and I, and how we can get through the next year, when the child will be old enough for school, so another new set of parameters will need to be adjusted to.

Thank you for listening, dear blog! I'm glad I'll always have you!

Letting Go

I need to free myself of expectations that I appear to have of SO. I keep telling myself that the expectations are based on commitments he made, but that doesn't change reality. The reality is that he doesn't live up to those expectations. This means that I'm constantly irritated that he's not doing what he said he'd do. Which doesn't help with my peace of mind.

What I need to do, is to let go of these expectations, and cope with life as it is. Not as it was supposed to be. It's not easy, but it's necessary. What it is, is that on weekdays I should be prepared to be a single parent. If he works late hours, then he's not going to be available in the morning either. If I want to find time for exercise, I've to do it while at work. If that means I miss team lunches on 2 days, that's what I need to do. I'll pick that thought up a little later.

I need to plan meals and cooking around the time I have available, probably mornings and afternoons, planning to cook once in 3 days so there is relatively fresh food. There is the option of alternating rice and rotis. Planning meals will need to happen by Friday evening, so shopping can be meaningful. Meals are breakfast, snack and dinner, 5 days a week and breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner for the remaining 2. Snack can be fruit on several days, but some alternatives need to be available, like pancakes/bread and cheese... look for other options. Breakfast also needs a few more options to be generated.

Exercise. This needs to become a priority. When/how. Needs a little more thought.

Relationship: This one is now on the back-burner. I need no expectations here, I cannot have any of SO.

You Noticed?!

Well, I'm back, mainly because I have things I need to process or just get out of my system.

I'm now the mother of this adorable little boy. He's 21 months old, and he's my favouritest person ever. I want to believe that all children are like him, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But he's awesome! He's really easy to love.

What else is he? A lot of work. So much work that I'm slacking off because I'm mentally tired. This post is mainly to kick my own ass into gear and keep chugging along, because I owe it to this little, awesome human, to keep things going well for him.

I am tired, this is a fact. I work full time now, this is also a fact. Mental tiredness is hard for me to cope with. This is also true. Before the child, I used to cope with mental tiredness with a lot of rest. Downtime, if you will. I had that option then. Now I don't. Which means, I need to find new ways to recharge, that don't take time.

What works for me:

1. Feeling useful;
2. Doing something new/exciting/cutting edge;
3. Talking to people;

Why I'm having a hard time right now:

1. With the baby, he rarely gives me the sense that I'm useful. He loves me, but he doesn't really 'listen', so my inputs are best received when I'm doing what he wants.
2. Work is mainly the same thing again and again. When it is not, it is pulling together information for other people to use. I like learning things for myself. Selfish!
3. The people I mostly get to talk to are not recharging. Why? Because the topics of conversation are not recharging. They're not new or exciting, rather they focus on the negative, or on what the person has already decided, and end up draining me more.
4. Lack of rest..

What I find really odd, is that if it's just me and the baby, I'm fine to keep going, I feel much less irritated. When SO's in the mix, I get angry. Because I keep feeling like he should be doing more. Should he? Maybe. Can he? Probably not.

What do I need to do? Let go of the fact that he does not do more, learn to cope, plan, and execute. And I suppose, blog again.

A Fine Balance

It has been a long time, and the key update is that I am pregnant, and hopefully this pregnancy will turn into a healthy baby. I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, which is why there is still a doubt.

The reason I am posting though, is because of more stuff that I have had to come to terms with in the relationship, and an internal conflict that I could not articulate till just now.

I have written in the past, about how complicated things become when my in-laws visit. I have dealt with that situation by taking myself out of it. I told myself that they are here only for days, or at most weeks, if she wants to take over the kitchen for that length of time, why does it matter? Similarly with other housekeeping decisions. I feel reasonably proprietary about my home, I don't like it criticized, I don't like others taking steps to clean it, because to me it suggests that it is not well kept. I tamp down reactions when my mother-in-law takes steps, because I don't believe she's seeing it as criticism, just as cleaning.

One area that irked me greatly is the cooking that happens for SO when they visit. What specifically irked me is that SO would repeatedly say he is not a breakfast person, but when she's visiting, or when we are visiting her, every meal would be consumed with gusto. If he is not a breakfast person, why should it matter if there there is breakfast, right? Which brings me to now.

SO has started working again and this new job takes more of his time and energy than he can really afford. He'll work it out at some point, but it meant that for many days, he would not eat lunch. Initially, he would eat cornflakes for breakfast and, as I later learnt, not eat anything till dinner. The one fine day, he found that cornflakes didn't work for him, so he stopped eating breakfast. Which meant that occasionally, there are days when his only meal was dinner. It irritated me, because he is an adult right? Just like me? If I am responsible for my own meals, why can't he be? I agreed to take care of dinner because we now have only one income, and we need to save as much on frivolous expenses as possible.

The added wrinkle is that our tastes are very different, and I often feel that the effort I put into cooking is appreciated. This is my fault, because I'm not fond of cooking, or rather, I'm not fond of cooking food which is high in spice and oil, which appears to be the only way SO likes to eat. I did some work on this for myself, have decided that I have to cook and eat healthy for me and the baby. SO also gets to eat, because there is food. He does not have to relish it, in fact, he doesn't even have to eat it. But it will be available for him. To his credit, he usually eats it.

Fairly recently, I have also taken responsibility for breakfast for him. It irritated me no end to do so, and the conflict, which I have only just been able to articulate is that I feel like he is not being an adult. He refuses to take care of himself, his health and body. I belittled this in my own mind, saying that he just needs to be 'mothered'. This is true, he does like this, it makes him feel cared for. I will continue to work on this, because I don't believe that it makes for a healthy adult, if they cannot take care of themselves, but in the interim, I also came to the conclusion that if he won't do it, for the sake of 'us' and now the potential baby, I have to do it for him either till he decides to do it for himself, or till his mother visits.

What I need to be mindful of though, is that if we do have a child, the child learns that making them happy independent individuals is my only job as a parent. Pampering them is a perk, something I might do on a whim, but they need to learn to take complete care of themselves. Even if their parents do not always do the same.

What is Love...

I don't know how to begin this post, but I know I want to write it. Why do I want to write it? Because this pain is in me, and I need to get it out. I need to be able to view it from a distance and eventually, not have it be pain at all. The pain is about what love is, and what love will be, for me.

I have said many times that I'm an incurable romantic. I believe in love and enjoy movies that celebrate it. Over the last year, and even in just the first 5 months of this year, I've learnt to see love a little differently. I've learnt that people are capable of loving only a certain way. Why has this happened in the first 5 months of this year? Part of it is therapy, showing me that SO is what he is. I cannot change him, but we can work together to have a good marriage. It will not be a great marriage because our ideas of love are different, but it will be a great partnership. I am officially reconciling myself to this. Why? Because in this life, this is enough. He loves me as much as he can, that he cannot love me the way I want, is not a failure on his part. If anything, it is a failure on my part, for not knowing what kind of love I want, and not trying to find it.

Another part of it is a marriage in the family. The marriage of a young man who I have known for many years. A good, kind and loving young man. Large hearted, smart and sweet. I would support him on anything. Not like there was any opposition to his marriage at all, but what struck me was the contrast between my wedding and his. The day/night before his wedding, he spoke to his bride constantly. SO, refused to answer my calls. It still rankles because I was feeling upset and nervous and it didn't seem like the SO cared. Also, at the wedding itself, the groom was all excited and enjoying each part of it, I'm not sure if SO was, but I just wanted to get it over with. I guess all this is much more to do with me, but also, in part with how SO doesn't see my distress, and actively leaves me alone.

What kind of love do I want? The kind where my partner looks at me with love. Where he feels truly thankful to have me in his life and wants to put me above everything and everybody else. Not all the time, but definitely when I need it. Can SO do this for me? Actually, he can, but I've to teach him how. This is an effort that I really do not want to take, but if I do, the long term outcome will be worth it.

Is this The Answer?

I went for a counselling session myself today. The counsellor asked to see me, to see how I'm doing and what I'm thinking/feeling. When I thought about this discussion before hand, I became overly emotional, the way I had at the beginning. The way I get when I think about all the things the SO doesn't do. I went to meet her, thinking that I'm going to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling because I don't really see any other option. He's not enough, but he's good and nice etc.

She helped me see a fact, which is that SO is not a proactive human being, he's content to let stuff happen, whereas I'm very much the type to make something happen. I may not have always been this way, but I am now. And the SO may not have always been the way he is now, but he is. And I can accept and work with this, or keep asking him to change this, and he will not. The key point being, once you accept that someone is reactive, then if they want to be a part of a solution, they want a plan. They want to know what they need to do, and they'll do it.

What she asked of me today, is whether I am willing to take the decision, the decision for us to be parents. Once the decision is taken, then the steps are pretty self-explanatory. I've been fighting this step, because it's a big decision and I did not want to take it alone. As I said to her, it feels like I am alone in all these big decisions with SO and me. That said, what does it really mean? That I say to him that if he's against it, he speak up, else I'm going forward and he shows up for appointments and provides paperwork/samples. Right now, this feels imminently doable.

Being with SO in a 'neutral' frame of mind, I know that we'll be good parents. He'll be a good father and seeing him be a good father will make me like him and respect him more.

Interestingly, this is the most positive I've felt in a long time. Now to go talk to the SO about this.

Choices Damned Choices

The year is progressing at the speed that years seem to have taken on. Days swish past me, beginning, continuing and ending, months melding into each other, one thing after another to be dealt with. Leaving me able to ignore what is happening inside me. Happening is probably the wrong word, making it sound like it is outside my control or volition.

SO and I went back into therapy in November, where the main point I had was that I felt invisible in this relationship. Nothing that I want appears to happen, and he keeps shutting me out. Like he did not know how to share of himself. That has changed somewhat. He went for therapy himself, he now knows how to share, how to interact with other people and even be social, which is quite a change. Things are better, but still far from ideal.

The therapist now wants to meet me, as she's ready to believe that he's fine. That he has progressed and what remains to be seen is if I am fine. And I'm not fine. Superficially, I'm fine. But scratch that surface and I'm a blubbering mess, not willing to look at my life the way it is now, not wanting this to be the rest of my life.

Why is that? Because this is not the life I wanted for myself. I wanted children, I wanted family. Children seems an impossibility, and I'm coming to terms with that. SO... may wind up being all the family I have. It's not a bad existence, I can come to terms with this. In coming to terms with this, I have to grieve for the life I wanted and will not have.

The other part is, that life with the SO will also be ... difficult. It feels like I will have to fight very hard to be able to do what I want to make my life fulfilling. It feels like he does not understand what supporting me means or feels like. And it feels like I have done nothing but support him. So I continue to feel very let-down, and not very optimistic about this relationship and my future.

On the plus side, I'm much more into biking, and earning a different kind of respect there. Which has made me consider options in that space, which I had never thought of before. Which may be differently fulfilling, and may encourage me to keep working for a large organization, but it's so much 'on my own' that I feel very very tired.

Epiphanies Small and Large

I have had a relaxing few days, when I understood a few more things about how I operate. About how I like to work and how my mind reacts to stress. Also, about how I destress. I am planning a trip at the end of this week. A trip which could include the SO, but probably will not. Just because I want some time and space from him. I want to go, and be, and do, and not worry about hurting his feelings or being hurt by him. This feels weird. Perhaps an ongoing symptom of me having worked myself out of 'loving' feelings for him?

With regard to work as well, I realise why I have had such a challenging year. I personally, like to get a lot of information, to immerse myself in the issue before I take decisions or action. It is just the way I work best. I also get best results when I do this, as it means I have given the issues some thought, teased them out, etc.. In past roles, I had the time to do this. In the past year, I have had a couple of serious challenges:

1. New subject matter and regulatory dealings;
2. Many things going on at the same time;
3. Requiring other people to do things;

Usually, I would take time to get to know the new subject matter and consult with experts, but because of 2, I couldn't take too much time. And I discover I am terrible at 3. I am also bad at project management and prioritisation, so 2 also felt the impact.

I realised all this over the course of last night, which is very relieving in itself, because it means I can work this stuff out, and more importantly, explain to my boss.

Another epiphany I had is about men and sex. This is a little random, but I think I have a good understanding now about the confusion that occurs around consent/rape. The expounding of this requires some assumptions as follows:

1. Given a choice, men will take an opportunity to have sex;
2. Regular men (the standard human being) will want to know that the woman is consenting to sex.

The challenge is, and this is especially true in countries where people do not openly talk about sex, when is the woman saying 'yes' to sex? If you believe movies, it's one thing, if you believe your peers, it's another. However, there is only one clear answer, it is when she says 'yes'. So, if at any point she says 'no', then there is no consent.

Even though this proposition is clear and simple, the world is neither. So boys and girls are brought up to be unclear about consent. Girls are told if you talk to a boy he'll think you're saying yes. Or in less extreme cases, if you talk to a boy about sex, he'll think you are consenting to sex with him. Similarly, assumptions about the clothes you wear, the way you smile, talk, laugh, eat, drink ... just about anything a woman does is proscribed, because it could give the man an idea that the woman is agreeable to having sex with him.

So what is the epiphany? It is that we (women) are trained to keep men at a distance, because they are not clear on when we are saying 'yes' to sex, and given a choice, they will take the opportunity. Which makes Indian women rather unfriendly to men, which is strange, as we are warm and friendly people, but realistic.

Notes to Self

Therapy/counselling progresses and I find the need to make notes. The last time we were in counselling, we were both on the same side, I didn't really want to leave him, and I wasn't this angry or disengaged. This time, it's a little different and though the counsellor is trying, I find myself a little irritated and angry. I want to write out why, how etc.

SO does not enjoy this process at all, I can see that. What this makes me feel, right now, is that we should just stop. I am actually more interested in letting go of this relationship than keeping it going. This is funny, because last week, I was more inclined to work on it. Let me try to articulate what has changed:

Last week, what happened was that SO expressed attraction to me, physical attraction. I wanted to as well, so I participated enthusiastically. When he's in the right frame of mind, it's almost all ok. What's lacking? There are still some physical challenges with him, which mean that sex isn't sex. It's almost, but not quite. Which sometimes makes me frustrated, and I suppose I began preempting the future, thinking about how it's almost ok now, but what about in a few months, or a few years etc..

Then we went for a concert. Shafqat Amanat Ali. I thought we were fortunate to get tickets, I had a fabulous time! He... surfed the internet and drained his battery. He kind of enjoyed it, but he wouldn't have gone for it left to himself, and he certainly did not add to my enjoyment of it. Much like his watching movies with me. Am I looking for flaws? Maybe I am. To be fair, we went to NGMA and had a pretty good time. Though, the enjoyment of art is a much more personal experience than the enjoyment of music, which is shared, for me.

Then there was a conversation which went down the 'why?' 'why not?' or 'I don't want to', route, which reminded me painfully of what it feels like normally. I know he's trying, but I also am certain that one day, he'll stop trying, and I'll really want to kill myself that day. I actually mean this. It makes me furiously sad. Furious because I know I deserve better, and I've been saying this for years now, and sad because of the time that elapses, and how much older I will be before I call the 'last straw'. I suppose also, right now, I'm pretty certain that we will get back to that point, and I'd rather call it now, than in a year or two.

The session this week also made me angry. The counsellor identified, correctly, that I tend to talk my way through a conversation, i.e. have it with myself. And her experience of SO isn't that he stonewalls, or doesn't give me responses. That is my experience of him. But I felt wronged. Also, he lied. He said that in conversations, he'll say something and it's a dead end at that point because I get upset. I think I've become much better about this, but this is the impression he's leaving her with. The other thing is that we started looking at a personality inventory. The initial step already showed that he's a more neurotic personality than me. I get that. The counsellor then suggested that it'll take patience from me to get him past this. I burst into tears at that point because I don't want to be patient. It is not my job to be his parent, I don't want to 'grow him up'. I want him to grow up. Also, I want to know if he wants to grow up. Because I don't believe he does. I believe he's saying this for counselling, or because he's afraid of losing me, which are not enough for me. If he doesn't want this, then it's not going to last. And yes, I am pre-judging, but after 13 years, I think I'm not reacting unfairly.

The way I feel after each session is interesting. After the first one, I felt heard. After the second one, I felt rather hopeful, because SO was opening up. After this one (the third one) I feel betrayed. Like SO is giving her a false impression of himself, and therefore a false impression of me. I know he is not doing this on purpose, but I felt wronged. She said at one point, that our conversations didn't feel like pulling teeth, and I said that it's only in there that it doesn't. I have stopped trying to have the more difficult conversations because that's exactly how it feels to me, like pulling teeth.

I know that in the next session, we will go through the personality inventory and I will say, clearly, that I am not on the fence, I am certainly more interested in leaving than in staying, but I'm going to give counselling as long a rope as it needs. I am not resistant but I am scared. Also, the person I am now, doesn't respect the person SO is now. And I don't think he's actually interested in changing for himself, and I don't think it's my responsibility to change him, or improve him.

Progress?

The themes I noted are the lack of intimacy, affection and attraction. Stuff I've been talking about on this blog for years, that I had done nothing but complain about to the SO. The challenge with that, though, is that I learnt how to complain so efficiently, that the complaints were becoming ineffective, and were hurting me more. Initially I'd request, then I'd get upset, and eventually I'd threaten. Sometimes the request would work, but it was already a little late, because the request came after some sense of deprivation. When life was stressful for SO, the issue had to escalate, which meant I felt worse.

I then, as I can tell from the blog, began to feel there was something wrong with me. That I needed to change parts of myself for this relationship to work. I began to feel ashamed of my sexuality, guilty about some of the outlets I chose. It was a negative cycle and I wasn't sure what to do about it. At some point, I realised that the negative feedback was hurting me. Like deep down hurting, part of this realisation came from this blog. Which is why I felt I had to let go for a bit.

Then, when I had some more realisations, I spoke to SO saying that our expectations and commitments appear to be at odds. I also told him that I can accept this variance, and don't believe this means we are bad people, but just that the relationship may not be 'all that'. He was, as usual, stumped by how to make it work. And we have started seeing a therapist again. Our first session was yesterday and I was super tense just before. To the extent that I was very wound up on Sunday, crying at nothing, clinging to SO because I didn't know what I was doing wrong etc.. The session though, was a welcome relief. I felt heard, I felt listened to, and I felt like a tightly wound spring is uncoiling inside me.

I know that I need to work on some stuff, but I am now, not guilty about my sexuality or even the fact that I am a sexual being. I am, after a rough period, ready to embrace it, and not let SO's lack of the same, affect me. What this means is, that my expressions of my sexuality cannot hurt the SO, as long as we are in a relationship, but I think that is imminently manageable. While we figure out what happens with us and this relationship.

Breaking Up

I think I need to take a break from this particular blog. It has some themes which I have to either confront or accept. I know this, but apparently I'm not ready to either confront or accept. I need some time to feel and stew. To let the distress wash over me, claim me, and then release me. And the me that I will be then, she may come back here. Or she may move on, because her life and world will be different, and she may not be spicy chai anymore.

Exhilaration

I don't understand it at all, but it feels like I have found something. Times have been tough, work has been challenging, but I've kind of taken a decision to follow a different professional path than the one I am in now, and that appears to make me feel happy. Like deep down, this is what I am meant to do, happy. I absolutely do not understand it.

Also, I think SO and I have reached some point of divergence. We live together comfortably, but we  are not actually 'husband-wife' compatible. He's currently on a break due to my proposed move, and he seems to be coping well, studying, cooking regularly, it's been nice that way. The 'coupledom' though, I suppose we will never achieve what I'd like. And it feels like I'm at peace with that. I accept that I will not have love the way it is in movies and books, and I can live with that. 

Love or Something Like It

I may have posted something about when I was in school, and a friend asked me, what love feels like. We were 16-17 year-olds, in the throes of crushes and first relationships. I had crushes, and only knew those as 'love'. So my answer was that when you see that 'someone', it kind of takes your breath away. You gasp a little.

Now, I am more than double that age, and I understand there is a lot more to this emotion, now I would probably say it has to do with knowing someone has your back and you have theirs. That you'll do whatever it takes to give them what they want, that you want to see them smile, and seeing them smile makes you smile. And I also understand that there's intense attraction. The kind that takes your breath away.

What I've not experienced enough (or not noticed) is another person being attracted to me. I think a lot of it has to do with the way I present myself, in the sense that I'm not 'out there'. It is easier for people to like me, than to 'fall for' me. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. Once in a while it would be nice to feel that someone is losing his breath because of me. That he's flustered when he's talking to me because he wants to make a good impression, and that there's a warmth in his eyes that is only for me.

This love, or rather, this attraction, is what is in movies. The intense attraction that two people who do not know each other feel, inexplicable, but strong.

As I grow older, I am quite impressed by some movies/stories and the acting, the ability of the actors to show us what the characters are feeling. And it turns out that in the 1990s, Shahrukh Khan worked hard at this. His image of a romantic hero was well deserved at that time. Now, increasingly, it feels like he's sleepwalking through roles. I guess this has something to do with watching Dilwale Dulhaniya, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and K3G in the space of a week.

Flogging a Dead Horse?

I am furious. I am not completely sure why I am this angry and at some level, am even concerned by the depth of this emotion. Not furious in general, furious in the very specific, with SO.

I am once again, trying to be healthy and am working on the eating part, though I have found reasons not to exercise for a full week. This morning, it was all set, I could have gone. Why did I not? Because I did not want to think. It was as simple as that. When I walk, I think. I could have thought about work, but there are no tensions or issues that need resolution, so I would not really have thought about work. And the other thing I could have thought about, I really did not want to. The other thing being this rage.

Which made me force myself to think about it a little later, specifically when I was driving, so I could begin to understand. I did some thinking and I think I scratched the surface. Now though, it feels like things are a little clearer.

The root of the issue actually is my impending job move. There are issues between SO and me, there are communication issues and irritations, but this move is adding to the complications.

Turns out, I don't really want to move. I'm happy with my life in this city, with my home, with the bikes etc. The role I am in currently is also good and growing since my boss went back to the US (and my new boss was an old boss, so working is easier). I had thought about not changing roles, but they were going to bring in someone to replace the boss who went back, and then I'd have to cope with a new boss who would want to second guess what I was upto, I didn't think I was going to get a promotion, I didn't really want to continue doing the grunt work while someone else got to attend the important meetings etc., so I convinced myself that Singapore was a good thing. Then I got the promotion and wavered a bit, now it sounds like they may not being someone in, so again, I'm wavering.

Why is Singapore still good? It's a different profile of job. It will have increased visibility and should be fun in itself. It's Singapore! The job will involve business travel, which I enjoy greatly. And, the SO will benefit from this. It allows him to leave a job that he is not happy in, to study further or get another job with another organization, to move to a less crowded country etc.

This is what I realised over the weekend and it has made me angry. Part of the anger is that I cannot leave this marriage, because (as always) he promises that it will get better, and because it'll really upset my parents (father in particular). So I guess at some level I feel doubly trapped. I cannot leave a marriage that this weekend, has been really unhappy, and I cannot leave a job, that will have a lot of stress (shifting countries), all because of the SO.

This is not specifically his fault, but it doesn't help when he behaves stupidly, and/or is grumpy because I snap at him. Potentially the snapping is because I was hormonal, but the thought running through my head since Saturday is that I want out because this is frustrating as hell. The thing is, he's right. I was not being 'nice' to him, but I feel entitled to be a bitch.

Specifically because for the past few weeks (and I hope to God it's because I'm hormonal), I'm seeing the possibility of children as becoming increasingly remote and it depresses me greatly. To the extent where I am not sure why I should continue doing anything. It's not fair to consider having a child to give me 'purpose', I know this, and maybe that's all it is. A working through of the age-old decision, that my purpose would be to raise good children. I can accept this is no longer valid, I can accept that I don't actually need a purpose. Maybe that's the point, I can accept all this, but I haven't actually accepted it. And I am funnelling the rage at having to accept this into the SO.

I don't know. That may be part of it. The specific rage began when we went out for dinner on Friday. And SO could not get us a table/chairs. So either I deal with him standing behind me, hanging on to all his luggage, or leave. I chose to leave but clearly felt shortchanged. Yes, I was late, but surely he could have made more of an effort? This, along with a few other things, struck me today. That there are things he doesn't do for me, which make me feel that I am not worth the effort to him. Which is a shitty way to feel. He may not mean to make me feel this way, but I believe I've told him enough times.

All this is tied up in my mind with him not being able to take care of me, which makes me feel that I don't trust him, so don't want to have children with him. It's a hopeless tangle, because I really want children, but I don't want them with him, and I can't leave him. So you see... the future includes him, and no children. And on days when I'm angry with him, I'm furious. Because I don't want him, and I want children, and I'm stuck in this situation which I cannot change.

And there we have it. This is why I'm so furious. To the extent where I really wish he would leave me, or let me leave him, so I can be without him, and potentially meet someone who wants children. Thereby, having hope of the ++ instead of the -- that days like this feel like.

The thing is, I'm also tired. Tired beyond belief because work has been stressful. SO has been... not helpful, to the extent where dinner and groceries are still very much my problem to plan and acquire. He says otherwise, but his attitude when things are not available suggests otherwise. Anyway, let's say his work has been stressful too. And then there's all this angst in my life, which means there's angst in his life. Unlike me though, he doesn't think through stuff. He just puts it aside and gets on with life. Not like the issue is gone, or that he's fine, he's just ignoring it and being cold to me, or not understanding what I need. The most progress is made when I am able to think through his situation, understand it, explain it to him, and explain what he can do to make things better. Which has been too much effort for a while, so I've not done it. Do I want to now? Should it matter whether I want to, shouldn't I do it anyway? 

Distances Untravelled

I went on a road trip over the last weekend. Left on Friday, returned on Sunday. SO could not make it due to work, and the trip was with a bunch of Harley owners. It was FUN! The ride was fantastic, the destination was fantastic, the partying was... nice. There will be some politics, but I plan to stay far away from that.

The job in Singapore is an almost done deal, and the more 'done' it gets, the sadder I am about the bike. Selling the bike is a real option, but having spent this much time on this bike, I am not sure I want to part with it. It is not only my decision, the bike also belongs to SO, but I've spent much more time on it and am certainly more attached to it than he is.

Personalities are funny things. People do stuff, they make mistakes etc., and sometimes they realise and want to fix stuff, but more often than not, they are sure that they are right, so no mistakes have been made. From there, grow issues, and eventually, politics. Repeatedly.

I am learning to 'be' or maybe even 'be here now'. There are various philosophies that talk about how the person is a myth, that all of us are just awareness. Any notion of a 'self' are just manifestations of ego. I understand all of this, and this idea brings me tremendous peace. I am still grappling though, with why I should work if this is the case. This 'beingness' also makes me question physical urges (of which I have many). It also makes me question relationships. I suppose to a true follower, all these things fall away, and the follower becomes a sage/sanyasi. I suppose I have not yet reached this stage. What I have though, is been able to admit that my yearning for children, intimacy etc. are all just manifestations of an ego, not of my true state, one of awareness/consciousness.

How I Know I Tried

Things got better, then they got the same... with the SO, I'm not sure things will ever be fine. There's an ongoing tension between what I want and what he can give me. Sometimes it lines up and things are good, but maybe all those times require him to stretch. So the minute he cannot keep up the stretch, things start falling apart again. I've tried lowered expectations, and frankly, what I have now are plenty low. What remains true though, is that I cannot leave him. Even if in that potential future, we are both happier.

I think I mentioned it, but in February, we got our new motorcycle. It's a Harley Davidson and it's bloody heavy. It's a pleasure to ride, but it's heavy and I have dropped it 3 times so far. Twice it didn't actually make it to the ground, just got to a stage where I could not pick it up. This last time, I dropped it on the other side, where there is potential for parts to touch the ground, so they did. Each time it has fallen, I have struggled with it, and the next day, the relevant arm and shoulder muscles let me know. This last time, Sunday, I wasn't sure how/why I dropped it. I wasn't sure that I tried hard enough to keep it up. On Monday though, the familiar ache let me know that I had tried.

It's a twisted metaphor, but it's the same with me and this relationship. Every so often I think I am not trying enough and then I feel this pain. The pain of putting myself out there, and I know I tried.

In other news, I got a promotion at work. I was not expecting it, and my boss is not very communicative or expressive. I don't get along very well with her, to be frank, but we manage. But because of this dynamic, I wasn't expecting much so the promotion was certainly very welcome. I am also interviewing for a job (in the same organization) which will take me to Singapore.

I studied in Singapore many years ago, and have visited a couple of times since, so it's a familiar place. It's close to home and so easy to live in, that I'm quite looking forward to that part. The only misgivings I have are that I'm not wedded to a future in this organization, and was looking forward to starting something on my own, taking some time off etc. Though if I remember correctly, working in Singapore is not too stressful. People wrap up at a reasonable hour and have time off. The main challenge is motivation, I'll find it somewhere.

I Am Not Able

I do not know what it is, but I am not able to relate with the SO anymore. I am torn up inside, but it seems like the only thing I want to do is to kick free and rise to the surface. I don't even understand what this means, but that is the image I have.

Can it be that we have both drifted very far away from a relationship? That we have got comfortable living our own lives, intersecting only when we have to, not even wanting more? If that is the case, why am I so angry? Part of the anger is because if this is the case, I want out. But I know that is a hellish option. SO will not let me out, he'll promise again that everything will be different, that he'll do whatever it is I want, but it won't last.

I don't even want to try anymore, I just want out.

The worst though, is that I have been here before as well, but I've always relented. Said let's give it another shot, for a few days/weeks, things are better. Then we flounder again, and I'm sick of floundering, or of being the one responsible for keeping this thing going.

I've been here before as well, expressed exhaustion at dragging this relationship along.

I don't know what to do, and apparently what works is distraction, getting involved in someone else's life/story. So I'm going to watch movies, read books, read random blogs and maybe consider meeting a therapist again.

Opposites

It feels weird to blog about this but it's affecting me, and I need to be able to continue working without this baggage, so I'm putting it on here. I don't want to tell friends as they will stress for me, I don't want to tell family because I don't think they will understand.

I spoke with SO last weekend, saying this marriage isn't working for me. I feel very alone and lonely, but that I won't leave him. He said he heard and would do something. That was Saturday I think. Today is Thursday. We have not exchanged a word since Sunday night. On Sunday night I asked him something about whether he thinks of me, he said yes, but then he puts it out of his mind.

I feel now like that has been my place in this relationship. There is always something more important or urgent or both. I know I have said as much before, just that over the past few months, I've been trying not to be affected by him and his lack of attention/affection. This doesn't change the things I want, just that increasingly, I don't want them from him. Like now, even if he wants to talk to me, I doubt very much that I will be willing to talk about anything but pleasantries or share information that needs to be shared.

I guess this is a breakdown in communications. Coming hot on the heels of my telling him I feel alone, I do not understand it at all. This is exactly the opposite of what I expected. More fool me for having expectations?