At Last

I discovered some details about Kunal Ganjawala today. It took some fairly mundane google searching but still. From my childhood, one ad that I really loved was the milk federation ad "Doodh Doodh". I loved the ad overall and the music. Then I grew older and really liked "O Humdum" from Saathiya. Also, Bheegay Honth. I guess you see where this is going. I never realised there was a connection till I found out that O Humdum was sung by Kunal Ganjawala. Since then I've been intrigued by Kunal Ganjawala and today discovered that he's sung some other songs that I really like. In short, I've liked his voice for a long time without knowing whose it is.

:) Finding out makes me feel really happy.

Relationships

No... this is not another post about my poor SO. Actually it's a post about a colleague/boss/friend of mine. I've known him for a few years and we're not incredibly close but have one good friend in common and enjoy each other's company. I guess it helps that I get along with his wife.

He has absolutely the most energy I know. He finds enough time to chat with all the people he works with closely so that they feel included in his world and happy. It's not like he's plotting to spend x amount of time with each person over a week but he manages it awesomely well. Beyond that, he manages to put enough effort into his relationship with his ex-girlfriend so that she never feels out of it. He practically calls her every day, he definitely calls when she's ill. It's quite awesome. I don't do that much for my friends, let alone ex-s. I personally am of the opinion that he married a girl who would suit him socially but not completely intellectually and he needs his ex in his life for that.

However, I am in awe of his ability to invest in relationships to such a huge degree.

Bright Bright Sunshiny Day!

The weather nowadays is awesome when it's sunny. Bright blue skies with cottony clouds and lovely sunshine. And it's officially winter so it's cool and pretty. I love my city :)

Life is looking up. Work isn't killing and SO and I are doing ok. Not as wonderfully well as I'd like but that's cause we're not in the same place. Still... I guess now it's his turn to sweat and take my tantrums ;)

I was wondering earlier how to make new male friends without seeming 'interested' in them. I already have several male friends and it's great fun hanging out with them. Recently I met another boy whom I'd like to get to know better but I was quite worried about sending him the wrong signals. Then yesterday SO needed some help so I sent out a mail to all my colleagues, including the new friend material boy asking for help for SO. I got a bit of grief for the funny part of it and got a bit of probing to see if I was telling people to back off but now it's all great :)

The only bad thing about yesterday and today is this slight nagging headache. It's hovering around and gets worse from time to time. I'm hoping it's lack of sleep and I can go home and pass out sometime today. Working life sucks in some ways. Somebody wants me to take a call late tonight. Not late like 11:00 p.m. but late in terms of the working day. I mean, my employer doesn't own me. I do have a life! I promise I do! ;)

Maahi Ve

Teri yaad aati hai re :)

Hindi Song Title: Maahive Teri Yaad Aati
Hindi Movie/Album Name: MANTRA
Singer(s): FAAKHIR

jaan hain kya dil cheez kya
main tera sab kutch tera
suna suna mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
o chandan si dhup mein o badli ki or se
maahive o teri yaad aati hain re
ek sundar pyar ka sapna laati hain re
maahive - 2


hosh ho na khabar ho
shab dhale na sehar ho
ek aaisa safar ho aur tum saath ho
raat jugnu siataarein , rang khusbu nazaarein
pyar ke ho ishaarein aur tum saath ho
suna suna mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
chandan si dhup mein o badli ki or se
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
o ek sundar pyar ka sapna laati hain re
maahive - 2

rooth jaane mein kya hain
maan jane mein kya hain
dil jalane mein kya hain, ab tum jaan lo
mukhtasar hain fasana main hu tera deewana
dil na mera dukhana ab tum jaan lo
suna suna mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
jaa hain kya dil cheej kya
main tera sab kutch tera
suno suno mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
o chandan si dhup mein o badli ki or se
maahive o teri yaad aati hain re
o ek sundar pyar ko sapna laati hain re
maahive - 2

Ad Last

Yesterday I saw an ad that made me cry. It had an elderly gent whose doorbell rang. He answered it and saw a box of laddus outside with a lit candle. Then he saw his even older sisters singing "Happy Birthday Chotu". Man, it still moves me. I guess when I'm old and grey and my mother calls me baby, I'll be as moved. Currently though the epithet is embarrassing.

Another ad I've been wanting to blog about is the new Moods condom ad. Moods have always had agressive ads, with men who are not embarrassed to be buying condoms. The new ad is definitely sexually aggressive. Women who are openly touchy feely? What's happening to this country? ;)

Time to go

The weekend is merely hours away and I'm unable to finish the two tasks that I absolutely have to before I can go. I'm trying to work myself into finishing the stuff but absolutely don't feel like. The compromise is, if I finish, I don't take work home. If I don't, I get to lug the monster.

And India's playing as usual...

Someone Like You

I've often said that relationships aren't easy. The fraudoo couples who act like everything is always hunky-dory ought to be shot. That said, relationships can be absolutely amazing when both people are on the same page.

There is absolutely nothing like the closeness I feel with SO (when we're on talking terms). I think he's finally got the plot :) For years I went around with the bemused, in-love feeling and wondered if I was nuts because he's so awesomely special to me. He's slow off the blocks but he's finally there. :D

What can I say dearest?
yours.
me.

Days of Thunder

Last week was quite exciting. Had an official training/bonding session which ended in some unofficial fun. After the session some of us hung on and saw Mysore and had some fun. I got to go-kart! The last time I went was Valentine's Day, 2003. It was great fun and I knew I'd be good at it but didn't get too much time in. This time was a super blast!! I got the fastest time of the week and would quite like to go back to Mysore to take a picture of my name up. Then we saw some other sights and sounds and had an overall good time.

In other interesting news, the story of the male student allegedly molested by the head of orthopedics in Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital, Delhi, caught my eye. At first I didn't know whether the student was male or female and was surprised that such a hue and cry was being made over the molestation of a female student. When I discovered that the student was male, I figured it made sense.

Long ago once someone asked (regarding some nonsensical incident in college) whether I didn't feel angry that women were treated a certain way. I remember lashing out at that poor chap (who was trying to be sensitive) because I had already lived about 6-7 years with random people looking you up and down, mutterring things as they passed you on the street and being roadside romeos. Where was this dude's righteous indignation then? Where is it when a girl walks along the road looking down lest some goon decide that she's interested in him just cause she happened to look at his face?

And where is all the anger when girl's are molested by superiors?

French Gboy?

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs. You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

These tests are almost too easy to cheat on!

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I Love Ya Tomorrow!

My mother has a nasty habit. She wanders around the house singing random snippets of songs... sometimes off-key as well. As a result I've learnt two-three lines of hundreds of songs. When I first heard Tomorrow, I only heard "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow". No clue about the rest of the song. I genuinely believed that the singer was informing her/his beloved that s/he would love him/her tomorrow.

Then eventually I heard the full song and now I know. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, you're only a day away. Tomorrow I'll be with SO again for just over 2 days. :)

Hope and Hype

Bangalore Mumbai-ed the papers scream. But is it really? Sure there's water logging in some areas but nowhere has there been power outage. The problem really has been bad planning. Something the garden city is notorious for. Several layouts have been built in low lying areas abutting tanks or erstwhile tanks. This year there's been more rain than usual making the tanks overflow and the erstwhile tanks fill up. Small wonder then that there's water in several places.

Instead on focussing on the simple explanation, the press is more concerned with pictures of flooding. So much that SO's mother actually called me up to find out if I was ok. Not to be outdone, for the past three days, all those who've had to cross waterlogged areas have been recounting their perilous journeys much like soldiers at the front. "What time did you reach? What time did you leave? How did your bus go?". "Did you see that car that was floating? Did you see how much water there was in XYZ Building?"

:S Do we really have nothing better to talk about? Bangalore is slowly crumbling under the strain of all the people who live in it and we're really only bothered about excess water? The social fabric of this city is disintegrating. Over the past few weeks I've felt more and more amazed at the way Bangaloreans behave. They used to be polite and considerate but now they're only looking after themselves. No more politeness, no more friendliness... what's happening. Not like the spirit is completely dead... yesterday auto drivers were willing to give lifts. But it's getting worse.

Lets see where we are in another year... quite likley under the rubble of a quickly imploding city.

Zara Hatke Zara Bachke

I've lived in this city all my life and have seen it grow from a pleasant little city to a sprawling metropolis that is truly a melting pot. There was a time when at least 90% of the city consisted only of south Indians but now it's no longer so. But that's not the point. I may post at some time or the other about how the number of people have changed the nature and attitude of my city, but not now.

This post is dedicated to the live and let live attitude in my city. Several years ago, when girls first began smoking, no shopkeeper would look shocked if a girl asked him for a cigarette no matter how he actually felt. They were always gracious and polite and if disapproving, silently so. The trend continues. I wanted to buy a bottle of wine from a local wine shop. I'd seen some bottles of imported wine in their window some months ago so went back and enquired. The populous was amazed and anxious to see this curiousity but the shopkeeper acted as though women regularly dropped into his shop to buy alcohol.

In hindsight, I should have known better. The bottle was standing upright in a window. Direct sunlight and no contact with the cork. The wine was oxidised but not too bad. And long live the urban shopkeeper! :)

Oh Yes Again!

I planned to explain the title yesterday but got swamped in a mini-crisis at work. The first test was who I was in my past life. Interestingly the test only asks you for your current profession. Boy was I thrilled to find out I was a ditzy South American poet! I must say, the rest of the tests are also wonderfully flattering.

I like the thought that people love me anyway :)

Oh Yes!

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Ditzy Poet. Where You Lived: Argentina. How You Died: Decapitation.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

Pepperoni Pizza

Robust and dominant. When you go for something, you go full force. You tend to take control of situations easily. And in return, you get a ton of respect.

What's Your Pizza Personality?

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

I Pod! Do You?

The parents were away on a nice long vacation to the US of A. They visited all our relatives in that part of the world, notably my brother. I was nice enough not to give them a shopping list and wondered what they'd bring me back. Honestly, when they left there was nothing I wanted from there. By the time they returned, I'd found a couple of things. A perfume you don't get here and a Citizen Eco-Drive watch that also you don't get here. So I mailed them but really really late, figuring that they wouldn't be able to get it.

Instead, of their own accord, they bought me an IPod!!! And not just any IPod, the U2 Special Edition! Over the years, I've gotten fonder and fonder of U2 till now I'm convinced that if they ever have a concert in India, I'm there! Another band in that category is Aerosmith. Lets see.... we have time :)

I was checking my personal mail and one one of the lists.. this is what I got:
"How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward. - Spanish proverb"

:) I always knew that in a past life I was from that part of the world.. actually yesterday I was listening to a song by Il Divo called Passera and it almost made me cry. I think it was more the voices.. I love male singing voices and these guys are awesome! All along I've liked male tenor, bass and baritone singing voices. I used to like this actor named Mario Lanza who was first a singer. The regular pop/rock singers.... they have words but not 'voices'. The opera singers have voices with a capital V. Their diction sometimes is strange but what voices!!

USA and the UN

The last endless posts have been a bit wrapped up in the personal and I thought it was time to lift myself out of that. I saw 'The Interpreter' recently. One of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Some of it was a bit far fetched but one thought has stuck in my mind since.

If even one third of the arrangements the movie showed the US making for foreign heads of state visiting the UN is true, the US is doing the world a great favour. We don't realise, kinda take it for granted that our heads of state will be safe but that's not really true. The US arranges security and transport with convoy and helicopter escort (according to the movie) for every visiting dignitary! Imagine how much that costs? I guess I should carefully examine the income and expenditure of the UN before commenting but I presume that the US contributes rather a lot to the effort.

Imagine if they decide to kick the UNHQ out. Where would it go? Which other country would be albe to develop the necessary infrastructure and guarantee the saftey necessary for something like the UNHQ? Off hand, I can't think of even one that might oblige. Not like the US is doing phenomenally well, but it does have the financial stregth to manage this effort, and currently it also has the security might to pull it off. I would probably not take my chances in any other country of the world.

So perhaps, in all the US bashing that we indulge in, we should also thank them for the support they still provide.

Thodi Masti, Thodi Yaari, Thoda Pyar

Jhankaar!!

SO's trip to see me was phenomenal. I usually rave in hyperbole but this was truly awesome. I suddenly realised that I'm el freako. For no good reason I got all hyperactive about him and me and about how I'm not getting to see him. I had my reasons and they were reasonable. And SO saw that, almost with blinding force when he read the last post. (Aside: The use of Angelus there was wrong. Apparently Angelus is a prayer and all I wanted to do was to call on my guaridan angel).

Loving someone is not easy. But then again, nobody said it was. It takes work and commitment and honesty and at times it seemed like I was doing all the work. I've said before somewhere else, or maybe just to a friend, SO's very good with all this cause he can see what the future will be like. Him and me etc. I couldn't, till this weekend.

This year hasn't been good for me relationship wise. It started off ok, cause I was with SO but over the year degenerated into depression. As I just realised this morning, when my emotional state is good, I'm really doing well. I sleep well, I'm able to get up and get to work efficiently, be efficient at work, be efficient at home, etc. When I'm depressed everything falls apart. I don't want to do anything at all. Not work, not house hold stuff, absolutely nothing. I need to watch out for this in myself.

Anyway, early this year it happened once that I didn't know where SO and I were going cause I thought we were heading in a particular direction but it turned out I was further down the road than SO and there was no way for him to catch up or for me to backtrack. That was a couple of weeks before my exams and man was it hard! I was staying in a friend's place and exactly at that time, she was out of town and very busy. Then that got over and I made it back home, got a job and started working and it started again. I didn't know where we were headed and whether we both wanted to reach the same place.

Now.... I know that we want to be together. That conviction is strong enough to make everything happen. In addition, I know that what previously seemed like insurrmountable obstacles are merely roadhumps. The thing is, they're roadhumps for SO and I can't help him over them. This time probably showed him that he doesn't need to do much more than navigate, but we'll see.

Of course, spending time with him showed me what we have. It's been a long time since it was just him and me talking or hanging out and that was really nice. I missed that rather a lot. I don't expect to get a lot more of that but I think now I'll get to meet him at more regular intervals and he'll be less obstructionist ;)

Angelus?

Do you remember the various cartoons and comics where the character has a choice between good and evil? The one I think of immediately is Snowy of Tintin who had a choice between delivering a note and eating a bone in Tintin in Tibet and the angel (Snowy in a blue dress with a halo) urges him to stick with the note and the devil (red Snowy with a tail and pitchfork) belives the bone is the right choice.

That was just an illustration of the choice one often faces. Personally I've been blithering a bit as well. Things with SO were going only ok and I was not very amused. I wasn't sure when I was ever going to see him again or if I'd want to see him after a while. In short, I was drifting.

This Monday I typed a long and traumatised post that showed me that I was behaving badly in resenting SO for not being able to meet me, but he genuinely wasn't able. That kinda also made me feel a bit drifty. Then there seemed to be a bit of attention from another dude... didn't help.

Then on Tuesday SO announced that he'd come to see me this weekend!! :) Yippee!!! There you have it ladies and gentlemen, the devil with the pitchfork making me drift and the angel showing me the other option.

Guess which one I'm going to pick? :) Saturday!!!!

Squarky

In the past week, last friday to be precise, I acquired a little blue and white teddy bear. Unfortunately it had nothing to do with SO... but I digress. The point is that it's a remarkably comforting thing to have around. A squisy little thing that looks at you adoringly all the time. Kinda like my poor little ex-dog. He lived a long life, but I still wonder why it had to end. Again though, I digress.

SO's got exams currently and believes that he's going to take a beating. His thoughts run along the lines of putting his fists up and getting prepared to take a beating. Weirdly, when I read that, my primary urge is to place myself between him and anything and anybody who wants to beat him. Kinda 'over my dead body'. Unfortunately, these are exams and though I'd like to be able to help, there's absolutely no way I can do that.

Such is life I guess. Wonder whom I wouldn't throw myself in front of a car/bus for... Once SO and I had a discussion about love - on how some people's definition of it is how you'd give your life up for the object of your affection. There are, though, several people who'd give up their lives for anybody, random strangers even. So where does that leave us? Trying to decide whom I wouldn't give up my life for...... Again, this can't be some random list of people like Ted Bundy, or closer to home the random Indian high caste men who believe that all women are theirs to abuse. I shall cogitate upon this.

And in the mean time... over my dead body!!

Yes!!

I've been blogspammed! I've arrived!! :) It's a bit weird that they chose to spam the post that was about SO. I kinda hoped it was him but... this is fine as well, for now.

Quiz War

SO did a bunch of quizzes... so I'm doing them too...

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantityYou've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks offAnd you're adaptable, giving each partner what they craveWhen it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

I cheated on this one.

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You give and take equally in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

You Are 26 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

B

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time)And it takes something big to distract you!

How Observant Are You?

What? Below Average??

Your IQ Is 115

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Me? A loner? MFEO?

You scored as Loner. Punk/Rebel 38% Loner 38% Drama nerd 31% Ghetto gangsta 25% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 13% Stoner 13% Geek 0% Goth 0% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

He's Back!!

SO had a blog. SO left his blog and now he's back. Its some sort of update on his life in addition to what he tells me on the phone. I miss him so much that it's not funny. Sometimes now I understand my friend's attitude. She at one point got very pissed off with her long distance relationship because she was constantly thinking of her boyfriend who was a million miles away. I couldn't understand what she meant then, being merely a few months into a long distance relationship myself.

The deal apparently is that you love someone, so you want to be with them. But it's logistically and practically impossible so instead you spend your time thinking about them. Then you find your life is going great except for this one thorn, that you're not with them. Then you wonder why you should spend so much time and energy feeling stressed about something that you really cannot control when you could use that energy more productively in your work or in meeting new people or doing new stuff. Then you feel angry with yourself because you do love this someone. This friend of mine recently got married to her someone.... under circumstances that I find interesting. When they finally got married, she was at the stage where she could take it or leave it. He was probably worried that she was going to leave it, so they wed.

Me? I've never been able to leave it. There will undoubtedly be some things that will break the relationship, but not so far. Sometimes I'm not sure whether that's because when we began we went very far very fast and I didn't want to believe that it was all for nothing or because I genuinely don't want anybody else.

I must say, SO is a wonderful person. He's really one of the best men I know and I know that it would be almost impossible to find someone as wonderful as him again. And in all the time we've been together, we know each other pretty well and like each other rather a lot. Sure there are things that grate and irritate, but nothing too dramatic. But if I wanted to, I could create the image of perfect unhappiness in my mind. Somehow, a similar image of perfect happiness doesn't exist. I guess this is one of the first things I need to do. I need to remember all the good times and make sure that whenever I get upset that he's not around, I focus on what we'll have when he is around.

One of the first things I'd done when we started seeing each other was to send him an e-card. He was, at that point, silly enough to show it to someone else (she happened to be one of my best friends as well, but that's not the point), but it thoroughly expressed the way I feel when I'm around him. Warm and fuzzy. Nice and gooey. When I met him and started liking him, I knew that he was right for me because he'd be able to stand up to me. All my life when I thought about 'the man in my life' I thought that he would be upto my 'fighting weight'. There were other guys that seemed interested but compared to me they were flyweights. Not just in physical structure but in personality.

My friends and I have that in common, we're all forceful personalities. We may not all be in your face, or attention seeking, but we're all strong willed and of independent opinions. That's probably what keeps us talking to each other, i.e. that we're not all talking about our husbands and our houses and stuff. Not that we don't talk about that stuff, but our interactions are about anything and everything and our general consensus is that marriage isn't the by all and end all of a woman's life.

But coming back to the point, one of the things I really like about SO is that he knows his own mind and stands firm for what he wants. I've thought this before as well and known that often this means that I've to give up on something that I really want, but as I said, this is something I like about him. It also means that when he thinks I'm in the right, he'll stand up for me. It also means that he'll tell me when he thinks I'm wrong. So far there haven't been many instances of situations when he thinks I'm wrong and I think I'm perfectly right. A few perhaps, but not endless. Not so many that I'd think we're totally unsuited.

So, apparently I'm bats. I spook easy I guess. One bad fight, a few days of feeling distant and I'm all ready to lift anchor and toss myself into the sea. I do love him, just that sometimes all this distance is hard. Also, not knowing when I'll be able to meet him or how .... exclusive ... the meeting will be is not easy. I guess I need more pictures of him. Which I have online and have no excuse for not having on my machine. I'm a baaad girl.

CRM

Now I understand why you would need trained professionals to manage relationships with customers. I am currently an extremely irate customer. I handed over a large sum of cash to what proclaimed to be the shop of my mobile services provider to have my account recharged. They said they would do so, they failed. They tried and failed, but failed nonetheless. So what did they do? Offer to refund. Much use that is to me, considering the main reason I went to them was because my lifestyle is such that during the week I don't find time for any housekeeping.

I spoke to various entities on Sunday and finally am almost harassing the woman to whom I paid the money because I need this done. What do they say? They'll try once more and then refund my money. I cannot go back to collect the money till Saturday next, will have no money on my card till then and generally froth at the mouth till then! My balance is now so low that I cannot even recharge by sending an SMS. I think I'm switching back to postpaid as soon as I can... presumably next Saturday.

Anger Management

The main aim is to vent and thereby to understand what actually is messing with my mind. I'm in a relationship. With a man I adore. The fly in the ointment is that this man is not in the same city as me. And hasn't been for a year now. A year that I have navigated to the best of my abilities. A year that apparently he has sailed through.

Being apart is hard for me. I don't like it. I don't want to get used to it. I want someone around me all the time, someone special. I know this about me, and so does he. Is this wrong? Is this bad? Does this make me less of a person?

It happened thusly. I said I wanted to meet him. Said it again a while later, then again another while later. The result was first apologetic and progressively more irritated till now its belligerent. So where does that leave me? Wanting what I want with absolutely no way of getting it. And feeling guilty for wanting it in the first place.

I do my damndest to try to be fair. To try to be reasonable. But now I've been reasonable for a long time. And merely because I'm reasonable, I get put on the back burner, or so it would appear.

So what do I do? Hold out for what I want? Doesn't make sense because what I want is currently impossible. Look at it as a macro deal where this man will not be able to give me what I want and then decide whether I want to stay with him? That's not fair is it? He does love me and would like to be with me, but its not possible. Maybe he could make a bit more effort, but honestly I believe he does all he can. But I guess there's no end to wishing.

I don't want to leave him. I know this for a fact. My world has changed quite a bit recently but I've not changed. Neither has he. He loves me and I love him and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its just that I'd also like to have him in my life now, as a bit more than a chat partner.

Maybe he's right. I've to decide if I can live without that. If I can't, then it's only fair to both of us to end it.

Chitti Aaye Hai

There I was, minding my own work and feeling a bit bored cause I'd accomplished so much before lunch. Feeling a bit complacent about my returning home while the sun still shone and then it arrived.... Email after email requesting immediate action.

And here I am. Still at my desk, wondering whether I should finish well before the next available transport out of here or drag it on till about 15 minutes before the transport.

Shiny Disco Balls

Interestingly enough, at work today I got a mail that suggests that I've to be involved in the creation of a policy for blogging. The amount of controversy that this has generated is awesome. Whatever happened to it being a public anonymous space?

Oh! My! God!

Never thought this would happen. I have a blog on rediff that has been limping along and I've been hoping for a Blogspot blog but was unable to find a free URL that I liked and was well.... inviting.

I thought I was getting masalatea but I seem to have got spicychai. Much better :) Now for the usual trauma of remembering names and passwords and I've another dumpsite that nobody'll visit.