He's Back!!

SO had a blog. SO left his blog and now he's back. Its some sort of update on his life in addition to what he tells me on the phone. I miss him so much that it's not funny. Sometimes now I understand my friend's attitude. She at one point got very pissed off with her long distance relationship because she was constantly thinking of her boyfriend who was a million miles away. I couldn't understand what she meant then, being merely a few months into a long distance relationship myself.

The deal apparently is that you love someone, so you want to be with them. But it's logistically and practically impossible so instead you spend your time thinking about them. Then you find your life is going great except for this one thorn, that you're not with them. Then you wonder why you should spend so much time and energy feeling stressed about something that you really cannot control when you could use that energy more productively in your work or in meeting new people or doing new stuff. Then you feel angry with yourself because you do love this someone. This friend of mine recently got married to her someone.... under circumstances that I find interesting. When they finally got married, she was at the stage where she could take it or leave it. He was probably worried that she was going to leave it, so they wed.

Me? I've never been able to leave it. There will undoubtedly be some things that will break the relationship, but not so far. Sometimes I'm not sure whether that's because when we began we went very far very fast and I didn't want to believe that it was all for nothing or because I genuinely don't want anybody else.

I must say, SO is a wonderful person. He's really one of the best men I know and I know that it would be almost impossible to find someone as wonderful as him again. And in all the time we've been together, we know each other pretty well and like each other rather a lot. Sure there are things that grate and irritate, but nothing too dramatic. But if I wanted to, I could create the image of perfect unhappiness in my mind. Somehow, a similar image of perfect happiness doesn't exist. I guess this is one of the first things I need to do. I need to remember all the good times and make sure that whenever I get upset that he's not around, I focus on what we'll have when he is around.

One of the first things I'd done when we started seeing each other was to send him an e-card. He was, at that point, silly enough to show it to someone else (she happened to be one of my best friends as well, but that's not the point), but it thoroughly expressed the way I feel when I'm around him. Warm and fuzzy. Nice and gooey. When I met him and started liking him, I knew that he was right for me because he'd be able to stand up to me. All my life when I thought about 'the man in my life' I thought that he would be upto my 'fighting weight'. There were other guys that seemed interested but compared to me they were flyweights. Not just in physical structure but in personality.

My friends and I have that in common, we're all forceful personalities. We may not all be in your face, or attention seeking, but we're all strong willed and of independent opinions. That's probably what keeps us talking to each other, i.e. that we're not all talking about our husbands and our houses and stuff. Not that we don't talk about that stuff, but our interactions are about anything and everything and our general consensus is that marriage isn't the by all and end all of a woman's life.

But coming back to the point, one of the things I really like about SO is that he knows his own mind and stands firm for what he wants. I've thought this before as well and known that often this means that I've to give up on something that I really want, but as I said, this is something I like about him. It also means that when he thinks I'm in the right, he'll stand up for me. It also means that he'll tell me when he thinks I'm wrong. So far there haven't been many instances of situations when he thinks I'm wrong and I think I'm perfectly right. A few perhaps, but not endless. Not so many that I'd think we're totally unsuited.

So, apparently I'm bats. I spook easy I guess. One bad fight, a few days of feeling distant and I'm all ready to lift anchor and toss myself into the sea. I do love him, just that sometimes all this distance is hard. Also, not knowing when I'll be able to meet him or how .... exclusive ... the meeting will be is not easy. I guess I need more pictures of him. Which I have online and have no excuse for not having on my machine. I'm a baaad girl.