Anger Management

The main aim is to vent and thereby to understand what actually is messing with my mind. I'm in a relationship. With a man I adore. The fly in the ointment is that this man is not in the same city as me. And hasn't been for a year now. A year that I have navigated to the best of my abilities. A year that apparently he has sailed through.

Being apart is hard for me. I don't like it. I don't want to get used to it. I want someone around me all the time, someone special. I know this about me, and so does he. Is this wrong? Is this bad? Does this make me less of a person?

It happened thusly. I said I wanted to meet him. Said it again a while later, then again another while later. The result was first apologetic and progressively more irritated till now its belligerent. So where does that leave me? Wanting what I want with absolutely no way of getting it. And feeling guilty for wanting it in the first place.

I do my damndest to try to be fair. To try to be reasonable. But now I've been reasonable for a long time. And merely because I'm reasonable, I get put on the back burner, or so it would appear.

So what do I do? Hold out for what I want? Doesn't make sense because what I want is currently impossible. Look at it as a macro deal where this man will not be able to give me what I want and then decide whether I want to stay with him? That's not fair is it? He does love me and would like to be with me, but its not possible. Maybe he could make a bit more effort, but honestly I believe he does all he can. But I guess there's no end to wishing.

I don't want to leave him. I know this for a fact. My world has changed quite a bit recently but I've not changed. Neither has he. He loves me and I love him and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its just that I'd also like to have him in my life now, as a bit more than a chat partner.

Maybe he's right. I've to decide if I can live without that. If I can't, then it's only fair to both of us to end it.