Jhankaar!!
SO's trip to see me was phenomenal. I usually rave in hyperbole but this was truly awesome. I suddenly realised that I'm el freako. For no good reason I got all hyperactive about him and me and about how I'm not getting to see him. I had my reasons and they were reasonable. And SO saw that, almost with blinding force when he read the last post. (Aside: The use of Angelus there was wrong. Apparently Angelus is a prayer and all I wanted to do was to call on my guaridan angel).
Loving someone is not easy. But then again, nobody said it was. It takes work and commitment and honesty and at times it seemed like I was doing all the work. I've said before somewhere else, or maybe just to a friend, SO's very good with all this cause he can see what the future will be like. Him and me etc. I couldn't, till this weekend.
This year hasn't been good for me relationship wise. It started off ok, cause I was with SO but over the year degenerated into depression. As I just realised this morning, when my emotional state is good, I'm really doing well. I sleep well, I'm able to get up and get to work efficiently, be efficient at work, be efficient at home, etc. When I'm depressed everything falls apart. I don't want to do anything at all. Not work, not house hold stuff, absolutely nothing. I need to watch out for this in myself.
Anyway, early this year it happened once that I didn't know where SO and I were going cause I thought we were heading in a particular direction but it turned out I was further down the road than SO and there was no way for him to catch up or for me to backtrack. That was a couple of weeks before my exams and man was it hard! I was staying in a friend's place and exactly at that time, she was out of town and very busy. Then that got over and I made it back home, got a job and started working and it started again. I didn't know where we were headed and whether we both wanted to reach the same place.
Now.... I know that we want to be together. That conviction is strong enough to make everything happen. In addition, I know that what previously seemed like insurrmountable obstacles are merely roadhumps. The thing is, they're roadhumps for SO and I can't help him over them. This time probably showed him that he doesn't need to do much more than navigate, but we'll see.
Of course, spending time with him showed me what we have. It's been a long time since it was just him and me talking or hanging out and that was really nice. I missed that rather a lot. I don't expect to get a lot more of that but I think now I'll get to meet him at more regular intervals and he'll be less obstructionist ;)
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