My Day!

Today has been an almost perfect day professionally. Or the perfect culmination to a challenging week. Or not... just, a really wonderful day. I've been part of a particular group at work, which has nothing to do with my job (i.e. an employee related thing) which was challenging, but very rewarding. Today was our 'annual event'. I led this event and it went off almost hitch-free, I met a lot of wonderful people and I earned a lot of respect and brownie points. Why it's a specially wonderful day, is because the respect and brownie points are for me doing what I do and being me. It's intensely rewarding to know that who you are, is appreciated. Not because you did something for someone, but just because you are you. What this means to me, is being calm and patient, is asking questions instead of making accusations, is doing the right thing - accepting blame and correcting mistakes as soon as you realise that it's a mistake. It's also about being nice to people, just because they are people. Today, I am more than just happy with myself, I am proud of myself. For me, this is a phenomenal thing.

Ongoing Learning

I was not an organized child, I grew up trying to be careful and now, rarely misplace keys, wallets, phones etc. In short, I thought I had 'become' careful. Of late, I'm learning that I am not. I had forgotten to do a couple of important things at work, I've lost some tax papers, and I'm really angry with myself. I had thought (and I still hope this is true) that I would not lose anything important. That I'd find stuff when I need it, though it may not always be in the most logical or even accessible place. And yet, here I am. I've lost records of my having filed tax returns for 3 years. I had these original acknowledgements, and I have lost them. I feel extremely foolish and angry. I have got to be smarter about this stuff. Keeping track of electricity bills and credit card statements (which I actually have) is one thing, but keeping track of personal documentation (i.d. proof, tax filings, voters registration etc.) is much more important and I've been to lax about these. Something was bound to give, and something has. Again, I'm still hopeful that the papers are in some non-logical, difficult to access place (mainly because I rarely throw things) but I'll now have to plan how to manage this going forward. Given that more and more documents are now in electronic form, I'll have to do some serious thinking.

Perspective

So, SO has a friend, she was a very good friend for a while, but now that they are in different cities, the friendship is a little less close. She got married late last year and SO didn't go. Today is SO's birthday and she called or messaged to wish him. In that process, she also revealed that she's currently not with her husband, because he is insane! Those are not her words, they're mine, and I'm trying hard to be rational or neutral about this, but I have this urge to slap the man very hard! He found a wonderful, sensible woman, who had a good life going, they decided to get married, and then he found 'differences in their position'. Basically, he figured he and his family are too good for her and hers. I have insufficient detail, but understand that it's about finances. She's basically not as rich as him and he doesn't like it. He knew this when he met her, he knew this before they got engaged, but it didn't matter enough then. What pisses me off is two things (a) that he did nothing about this before marriage; and (b) that he's even letting this bother him! She is professionally qualified, in a good job, has been moving up a career ladder, it's pretty safe to assume that in her life-time, she will be upwardly mobile. So, while she may not have grown up with as much money as him, and maybe that affects the way she views options (like where to eat, where to shop, where to live) but I don't see that as a bad thing. Maybe his way of seeing things is not appropriate either! Clearly he sees this as an issue and chose to be insulting about her and hers. Why this really upsets me is because I'm a trained lawyer, and this is an injustice that our legal system should be able to address, to the extent that it makes a violent example of this man, so that others will think twice about behaving this way. Yet, given the state of our legal system, and my current occupation, I cannot do anything. I feel very strongly for her, and wish I could speak to her, but I doubt I will. I hope that they will get some counselling, and if they make it, that he'll learn that money is a very inadequate measure of personality or potential. Why this post is called 'Perspective' though, is because I'm in a situation where I've to think carefully about my relationship with SO. We're grappling with the question of children and it seems more and more, that only one person's preference will be fulfilled. Not like there's a real choice there, one of us wants children, the other doesn't. There is no middle ground. Which forces me to think about what I want (ostensibly, children) and what I really want (children with SO?), and what I really really want(SO in my life?). We've had a variety of stresses over the last year and a half, mostly related to the frustration of the fighting over children, and I lost sight of SO, the person that he is and what he does for me. In counselling, I'm forced to consider who I am because of who he is, and I'm a much nicer, more balanced person than I would be, if he wasn't himself, or wasn't around. I can say again that I love him very much. He's a good man, and both those words hold a world of meaning. He's good in the way that I love (and would want any man that I love to be), and a man in they way that I love. Which means, that I'm trying to choose between a person that I love and respect and (when things are going normally) want to spend my life with, and the potential of having a child. It is that simple isn't it? But when things are going horribly (as they have been for a while) then I have nothing. I have a man who I dislike intensely, and no potential of having a child. The correct answer, is to wait for the end of counselling before I decide anything, I will also, look at other opportunities to get my kid-fix. Maybe volunteering, or working with a day-care, or baby-sitting for a neighbour, or some such, so I spend time around children.

The Private and the Public

When you study any sort of social science, you get drawn into discussions of this sort. Is there a divide between the private and the public? Should there be? Do some people lose their right to this divide by virtue of public office? Is that fair? The reason I am bringing this up now is because a senior politician has resigned from certain posts because a member of his household staff released some footage of said politician indulging in what is arguably sexual intercourse with a woman who is not his wife. Why this footage was created, nobody seems to care. Why is that a question you ask? Because if he w a hot shot politician, it would be a sex tape that someone was making for extortion. That is a crime and nobody would be asking who the woman is. As a citizen of this country, do I care that the man is being unfaithful? Maybe a little, but very little. If he was extorting sexual favours from people who came to him for help, I would be more concerned. What has allegedly happened is that his rights, and the rights of his partner and family have been violated, and he is being punished for it. Do I condone adultery? No, but it is not my business. If the man's wife chooses to take action, I would support her, if she doesn't, it is her choice. If the other woman has been coerced and chooses to speak out about it, I would support her. At present, I support him as a victim of a rights violation, which is going uninvestigated because he is famous and has apparently given up a right to privacy.

Who I am and What I do

I am enjoying my 30s. I'm young and healthy, earning well and working smart. Also, I seem to have attained some kind of internal balance. I understand myself so much better, my moods, my triggers, what upsets me and why, all good things, because I can do something about fixing issues.

I will not currently post about relationships, because those are impacted by this confidence and awareness and are all coping in their own ways.

What I do want to say is that I still find Sufi music the most comforting. I'm not sure whether it's the music or the lyrics, but it seems to work well. I'm curious about this because I have experience with hymns, which express very similar feelings, in very similar words (albeit in English) but I'm seeking out my Sufi songs and not hymns. I'm also intrigued by the lack of Hindu religious music in my head. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but I don't want to discriminate :)

It's only April and actually a lot has happened this year. A lot more promises to happen and I'm growing as a person. I'm happy with this growth.

Update of sorts

So we went for counselling and it was pretty good. SO said stuff to her that he hasn't said to me and I could see how I am shortchanging him at times. A promising start. He also made an appointment with a doctor for tests and put himself through the humiliation of a physical exam. The actual tests will only be on Monday but it's another step towards me.

And he bought me this kick-ass phone! It is a HTC One X and is not yet a phone because it doesn't have a sim card, but it is now my computer and is great fun!

SO if you read this, I love you. I know I've been a bitch to you lately but I do love you. I don't want to leave you but still don't understand what will keep us together if we don't have children. I am sorry.

Counselling

Tomorrow, we go for our first counselling session. I've never been, and when things with SO are going well, I see no need. We actually talk to each other, have fun in each other's company, are nice to each other, show respect etc. And then one or the other of us makes the mistake of bringing up children, or sex, or travel or one of the many hot button issues, and it all falls apart from there. On days when we're both relaxed and willing to try to keep tempers in check, we find some way around this, but it's killing me at some level to have to avoid topics and things.

What's killing me the most is that I'm going to be 35 and I've spent 11 years with this man. If he's not able to see a future for us that's at least related to what I see, then I'll probably want out (will take a few months to figure that out). By then, I'll be even older, and my chances at finding happiness and maybe a family with someone else will be very low.

Do I want to leave him? No, not really. I do love him, I enjoy his company, but it's hard to get his company and though it's been better in the last 2 months, the lack of sex was also very difficult to deal with. I don't want to have to beg for conversation and affection in my marriage, I believe it should be a part of the package.

However, I also believe that SO can't give me these things easily. For him, it's a real effort to engage with someone else, even if that someone is me. And I'm tired of forcing him to engage.

I don't know what we'll get out of tomorrow's session, but I suppose it's a good start.

Updates in General

As anticipated, my friend and her husband have decided to keep the baby. So, as of 23rd March 2012, I'm childless again. It is not really a big deal, except that I am still convinced that I want to be a parent. SO... seems convinced or at any rate, interested, but whether that will translate into any action remains to be seen.

This 'baby' thing has caused SO and me immense stress. To the extent that it still has the ability to break us up. Maybe it's purely stereotypical but I have always thought that I want to be a parent. Discussions with SO have also typically included children in the future. And yet here we are, I'm going to be 35 in 2 months and not pregnant. He... doesn't seem to care. I don't need to be pregnant, but I want a child/children. And his doing nothing about it hurts me. It also reminds me about the time he took to marry me and the drama we went through then.

At present, I am very angry with SO and every day is a test for him, most days he passes, but on the days he fails, I feel miserable and consider separating. I'm trying to contact a therapist so I can go talk about this. Why am I angry?

1. Because I try hard to do all the things that I think he appreciates (cooking/cleaning, giving him space, letting him play, not bugging him etc.) and he snaps at me on a whim;
2. He won't commit to either having children or not having them;
3. He won't commit to improving himself or his life;
4. He doesn't seem to care about a 'future'.

I need to work out some of this stuff for myself, i.e. if he doesn't do any of 2, 3, or 4, would I still want to be with him? How long do I continue trying to be the 'good wife'? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations?

Also, I think I need to work out some anger in the baby process. I feel hurt and well... not cheated, but not treated very fairly. I know my friend feels bad, but I'm also angry with her and SO for putting me in this position.

I think I need a proper vacation, where unfortunately the only one I can see coming up is with SO's family, where I will actually have to maintain a check on my temper and be as patient as possible with all of them, including SO.

Clearly I'm currently feeling very sorry for myself. Time to remember faya kun.

Fayakun

I watched Rockstar a while ago and was hopelessly confused. I didn't understand the purpose, I didn't understand what the characters were doing, didn't understand why a music company was sending artists to the Czech Republic... but I liked some of the songs very much.

I thought that I like Sufi music a lot, and in my stupidity, assumed that Kun Fayakun was a Sufi song. Finally today I decided to look it up. It may be, but the words are from the Quran and reflect that God is supreme, when God says 'be', it is.

I am trying to accept a few things these days, as God's will. I wish I could be as a thing, be because God decrees it, and not have to think about why/how/why me etc.

I have to remember that I can get there. When it is decreed to be, it is. As am I.

Dararein hai Maathe pe Maula

I appreciated the sentiment before, but now I'm a follower. I'm religious in a weird way. I believe in God, not religion. I'll pray to any God, any time, I thank God regularly, I try to do the right thing all the time, so I'm not offending God.

I'm not a perfect person, I don't think I will ever be one, but right now, my muqadar could use some marammat.

Baby Update

I've been working through my baby-related angst in real life, so didn't put too much on here, but that's beginning to change. My friend is now 25 weeks pregnant and it all seemed to be going swimmingly, but apparently we've hit a roadbump.

She was keen that I breastfeed the baby, and I'm not opposed, but I'm also not opposed to bottle-feeding. I'm working to get my body ready to breastfeed, so that's also not the problem. The problem is that my friend wanted the baby to be exclusively breast milk fed for 6 months, and given that my milk will be produced by fooling my body, I'm not sure how much I'll have. Her solution was then, that she'd pump milk and make it available so the baby would have access to as much breast milk as it could require.

Is she correct? I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't know. Do I care? Not really, because I don't believe there is an objective right or wrong here. Is breast milk advisable, certainly. Is it essential? I haven't seen any proof on that, so I still think it's not. Am I willing to do what it takes to have milk for the baby? Yes, to the extent of taking medication to make this happen. This is not something SO is comfortable with, and frankly I'm not completely comfortable, but I have the necessary parts, so should be able to do this, and the medical intervention isn't horribly messy (just birth control pills for a while).

Does she see my commitment, certainly. Is it enough? No, cause she has guilt about how this child will not get what she thinks is an optimal start to life. Can I do anything about this? Nothing, apart from give her time and space to work through this. She may come out of this, deciding to keep the child, and that would also be ok.

Why am I not keen on the fetching and carrying of milk? Partly because I don't see the need rationally, and partly because I feel that this is the beginning of issues around 'ownership and control'. Emotionally, I'm concerned that she still sees this child as hers and has a stake in deciding what is best for this child. The baby is inside her, she is currently deciding what is best for this child, and I have left that completely to her, because I trust her to do what is right for the baby. I'm concerned that if we give in on the breast milk issue, I will be forced to do the fetching and carrying, and then expose myself and a child (that I'd like to think of as mine) to maybe more such issues?

Initially it seemed like when the baby is born, SO and I would take him/her home, and then we'd figure out the paperwork. So I was working with a perspective that post birth, all decisions about the baby would be made by SO and me, and the breast milk thing is a 'post birth' thing, so it was our decision.

She and I never discussed this dividing line, but the conversation about what interactions would be after the baby is born were to happen in a group. Maybe I should tell her this? I'll think about it some more. I don't want to bombard her with information on what I'm thinking, why I feel a certain way, because she's working on her own feelings currently and I don't want to muddy the waters further.

But how do I feel? Not too concerned. It seems like she had convinced herself that the baby would be fine with SO and me based on an expectation that we would do almost exactly what she would do. That cannot be true, because neither of us is her! But maybe she didn't consider that. Maybe this is the issue that triggers the thinking about why she should not give this baby up, instead of why she should. And maybe she'll discover that their challenges are not as daunting as they thought they were.

The end of this list of maybes is that they decide to keep the baby, would that upset me? Yes, but would I be angry? No. I would have to once more, grieve the loss of a child, but that's still a real risk (albeit small) and in life, there's always the risk of the loss of a child. So... I'll be ok with it, in a while. Personally, I'd much rather have this happen now, than after I've held my child in my arms.

I'm increasingly more zen about things. Not untouched, just unaffected. The entire post is distressing, but within me, I'm at peace. I'm also being more calm about SO and me (though he is being nicer to me) and maybe the dark days of the recent past are going to stay there. Maybe I'll have more dark days, but for now, I'm going to revel in this zen-ness.

Loving Life

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, that wasn't surprising, it comes along every year. What I want to talk about though, is how I'm doing. Yesterday, I worked hard, did a lot of things, was pleased with progress. I did more work than I technically needed to, got a few small things out of the way as well (always pleasing).

Went home with SO rather than with the company transport, and I was in an excellent mood. The world was beautiful, I was happy. Inside, I was smiling. I was also smiling outside because of the love all around. Everywhere, there were couples, happy in each other's company, heading out for the evening. I felt... absolutely at peace. I could have died right then, and I'd have been fine with it.

It only got better post that, SO bought me a yoga mat and dinner (pizza) and we bought some dark chocolate. :) love is a strange thing.

2012

I was chatting online and was asked if I believed the world was going to end in 2012. I'm not sure, but if it is going to end, I'd like more notice please? To find out in November that the world is actually going to end is not enough. Could I have a few more months notice? Like 6-8?

What would I do though... very difficult question. Why? Because I think I'd go completely selfish. I'd stop working, take out all my savings, divorce SO and travel the world. I might be more healthy as a result of the travel and maybe I'll attract more attention, maybe from a hot Spaniard...

What do I have to look forward to for 2012? Maybe a baby, a relationship that is... well, is, I guess. We're friends, we hug and sometimes kiss every day, the affection is warm, but no passion. In short, no sex. No sex in 2012 yet and since I've decided not to push it... maybe no sex at all?

What is Wrong with Me?

I want to shout at SO, tell him to leave me, because it feels like he does not want me. That he's being a dog in the manger... he's not going to treat me like I deserve, and he's not letting me go either.

But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?

Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.

Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.

One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.

Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.

I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.

I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.

...

So much to say and so little to say.

So far, we are all progressing on the assumption that it will end the way we planned. The baby will be born and s/he will come home with us. Yesterday though, I discovered how hard this is for my friend.

Her parents are against the idea, and her in-laws, who seemed supportive, are also against it. So much that they are actively trying to change her mind. She is... conflicted and really doesn't need this additional stress. Could they bring up a second child? Sure! Do they want to? Not really. Can they be bullied into it? Probably.

I want to help her, I want her to feel free to change her mind if it means that all the relationships that she has to manage will be more harmonious. I want her to be happy, but I also want the baby that I've begun thinking of as my child.

It makes it slightly hard for me to be completely supportive and sympathetic to her, but I know I have to be. I know I have to tell her again, formally, that she should feel free to change her mind if she feels like. That I know that she will not do so lightly, but that she must not feel that she owes us anything and the only thing we care about is what is best for the child.

It's been slowly poisoning me, but SO's been great about it and reading it now, it makes sense. Focus on doing what is right for the child, and give her the freedom to do what she needs to without guilt.

I'm going to be a Mother!

We decided (3 weeks ago) that we would take my friend up on her offer. My baby is now 10 weeks old. S/he will be born in end-May or early June.

A Very Special Day

The weekend was quite crap. I was terribly upset with SO who seems to register this but doesn't seem to know what to do about this. So... it wasn't a fun/easy weekend, me on the edge, him trying to keep me from crying and not succeeding for the most part.

Today, I had planned to work and then go meet a school friend, who's changed rather dramatically since I last knew her. But I got a call from another school friend this morning. I met her, her husband and their 2 year old on Saturday. She called to tell me that she's expecting their second child.

For a few minutes, I could not understand why she would call to tell me this, till she went on to say that they don't want a second child, they're strongly considering termination but if we want the child, they will give the child to us. When she said this, I knew I was not going to be working today.

I told SO and he's actually quite excited. I don't think he understands what is involved, but he's excited. All set to tell his parents so they can prepare the broader family. We're basically adopting, and he's quite happy with that.

The day has been... insane I think. I went to bed, I got up and ate lunch, I cried and cried, I read some stuff online, I'm writing this post. I wanted to write it for a number of reasons.

The main reason is that I wanted to record my friend's offer. She trusts us enough to offer to carry a child to term, so we can have a baby, she trusts us enough to bring up their child. I'm extremely touched. Thank you!

I'm also conflicted as hell, and like with several other major decisions in my life, I'm looking for a sign from God that this is for me, it would be fun if there was actually a sign :)

Incidental Lucidity

I'm still navigating through my own minefields, trying not to create craters or trip wires, and trying hard not to pre-judge where SO and I will end up. This morning, I was attacked by a deep sadness. I was struck by this sadness because my past has always led me to believe that there will be a reward for me in this life time.

When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.

That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.

I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.

Time Goes By...

Didn't realise it had been 2 months! Have these months been specifically busy? Probably not, but they have been confusing. I'm going to be quite chaotic, once again lulled into a sense of security by the lack of readership.

One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.

Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.

In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.

It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.

I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.

I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?

I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.

If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.

While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.

Ninja Assassin

I watched this movie yesterday, completely by chance. I was blown away by the male lead. He looked amazing! I wondered what he did for a living and how I'd not heard of an action star named 'Rain' so Google came to the rescue. Now a quip from the movie makes more sense.

What I'm more curious about is, did they intend this movie for action audiences or for female audiences? The fight scenes apart, Rain rarely has a shirt on and looks fabulous (after working out 6 hours a day for 6 months, I'd showcase my body too) and thanks to all the fighting is sometimes sweaty, sometimes has water thrown on him... just making me appreciate the hard work even more. Oh yes! Sometimes speckled in blood...

Kind of like Jason Stratham. I'd watch a Jason Stratham movie anytime, he takes a lot of trouble with his body and likes to show it off, and I appreciate it :)

I'm wondering if this is something producers/directors are on to? Making action movies that couples watch, the men for the action, the women for the star?