Way Cool!

If you happened to be bored enough of avoiding work hard enough, you might have run into this on Rediff today. Consider if you will... that Subhash Ghai's lowest point is Yaadein, Vidhu Vinod Chopra's is Kareeb, Ramesh Sippy's is Zamaana Deewana... and Maniratnam's is Yuva!

Aastha!

This morning I was watching Swami Ramdev expound about Pranayama. The endless benefits of it and how it cures almost every disease known to man. Then he took off on how women have no right to give birth to disabled children. Like one would choose to have a disabled child. I don't remember the exact detail but I know that he blamed the disability on the mother's lack of proper breathing. Maybe it's just a for of political correctness, but I felt very offended at his claiming that the disabled are any less than the fully abled. I understand if it's mental disabilities but most physical disabilities are overcome by the person concerned. How dare he suggest that the disbled have no right to live? It's all rather horrifying. Fortunately this man is not yet right wing fundamentalist, but is he far away from being that? I'm not so sure. It's a short step from where he is and I'm expecting him to take it fairly soon.

In other news, yesterday was 59 months and mid-April will be 5 years. 5 whole years. One of those 'questions' emails recently asked whether I've ever loved someone so much that I cried. Everybody I sent it to that replied said yes. I can't wrap my head around that. I love you so much that I cry? I've loved several people and dogs so much that things they do or their mortality made and makes me cry, but not just that I love them so much. I guess I've never been moved by the enormity of the emotion. I've always believed that love is overwhelming and overpowering. You're supposed to be awestruck by what you feel. And once you expect that, you won't be taken by surprise and won't be moved to tears.

Or maybe it's just me. When my dog was quite young... like 5 years old or so, I would cry because I knew that one day he would die. It helped then that he was still alive and I could be nice to him. Looking back, I'm glad that I mourned a bit when he was alive becase I wasn't around when he died. My absence is not something I'll be able to forgive myself for, but I'm very philosophical that way. It's past and nothing I can do can change that. Even then, there was nothing I could do. I could have booked tickets to return earlier but when I booked my tickets he was fine. And he died the day before I returned. The irony always upsets me, but as I said, nothing can/could be done.

Similarly with SO. From time to time I used to imagine that we would break up and naturally cry several buckets. Every time I've come close to breaking up, I can see what a mess I'll be if it happens and know that the preemptive mourning will help me not lose it altogether.

Confused and rambling? Always!

:D

My cousin is pregnant!! She's a year younger than me and has recently got married for the second time and is pregnant! :) She'll become a mother by the end of this year.

What did I tell you about the baby boom? Is it my turn now?

Sorry?

Is it strange that the world is just chugging along? There have been bomb blasts in what is one of Hinduism's most sacred spots and my colleagues and I didn't even discuss it at lunch. Shortly after 9/11 I was fascinated by how paranoid Americans had become. A majority believed that being in a public space might expose them to a terrorist attack.

In India, we have bomb blasts every day. True they're mostly in areas known to have insurgent activity but there are actually lives lost to violence every day. When did this stop affecting us? How come it doesn't afect me at all? Is it cause human life is fairly cheap in India? How is it that violence doesn't shock? Isn't that a warning sign? Shouldn't we be concerned that we're all able to shrug off terrorist acts and death... just?

I just read a live jounal maintained by a guy who was my classmate for 1 year. Somewhat a friend... about ten years ago. He'd written about the Babri Masjid demolition. Earlier this week, a panel concluded that the fire that sparked off the Gujarat riots was accidental. Did any of us really feel that the Babri Masjid demolitions and the riots in Gujarat or any communal riots were justified?

When people that we all know, reasonable, sane people, argue that the policies of the government are 'appeasing' in nature, what do we do? Does the majority owe a duty to the minority? I believe we do. In any society, the laws and policies should attempt to protect the weakest, because they can't protect themselves. Call it a colonial hangover, but where an underdog is left to fend for itself 'it's just not cricket.' So where does that leave us?

As a country, India is not really multiracial though we would like to be able to discriminate on this ground as it appears more legitimate than a pure colour test. What we are is multi-cultural and... I guess heterogenous is the word I'm looking for. Hindus from one part of India may have very little from Hindus in another, except that they may be from the same caste. I guess what I'm trying to do is identify why we're able and willing to discriminate against Muslims. Are they so obviously different?

You could argue that all Muslims dress alike but then... so do most Indian Hindus. So do most Chinese. In advanced Muslim countries, western clothes are as popular as they are in Western countries. So dress cannot be the reason. What then?

I don't have an answer. Muslims are ... Muslims. They're not Hindus but they're Indians. Strangely enough I had this discussion with a friend of mine in Singapore. Of late, Singaporean Muslims have adopted styles of dress that are... odd for the climate. Her explanation was that people are generally worried because no other religion owes it's allegiance to a specific region. Hindus in the US don't claim that they will support all Indian causes. But would many Muslims in India (free of any fear of retribution for an honest reply) answer that they're not Indian?

If they would, the problem is much much larger. If they wouldn't, then are policies that promote their welfare wrong? The examples cited to me were grants for poor Muslims to go on the Haj. Why don't poor Hindus get such grants? Becuase their politicians don't care. I met a Hindu lady corporator once who explained that her ward contained Muslim slums but they're supportive and she's managed to work with them and improve the conditions they live in. So basically, if your politician cares about your real problems, religion cannot be an issue.

I've rambled on a lot, I know. I'm stunned at my own apathy about the blasts and quite worried that there will be a backlash of a horrific nature. All we need is for some report to be released claiming it's the work of Islamic terrorists and some short-wearing, lathi-weilding hysteria. I'm hoping though, that enough people will be able to tell the overgrown schoolboys where to shove it.

Baby Boom?

As I knew he would, SO read the last post. I fought with him the day before I blogged, about the same stuff. How was he to know that it didn't go away but hung around in cyberspace. I'm sorry dear. I know it upset you.

I wish I could say it's all hunky dory now and we're shiningly happy. We're happy. I'm quite happy, but I won't' be completely happy till we're together. And even then... it'll take a while to get used to being together again.

This year is baby filled in my life. A cousin of mine had a baby last week, a colleague of mine the week before that. Another colleague has announced that he's going to be a father in September this year. If I cared to think about it... I'm almost certain that a number of children are born in the vicinity of 9 months from their parents' wedding anniversary. But let's not speculate too much :)

Again I got to thinking about how I'd like to have a kid and that even if I do it'll be only 4 years from now. I'll be 33 at the very least. By the time my kid is old enough to learn to cycle, I may not have the energy to keep up. One could go into whether it's fair to have a kid under those circumstances but one won't. One will say that there are several children in this world already and by the time one is financially and socially ready to have a child, one will consider the mode.

SO, one is very sorry :)

Of Swollen Eyes and Lingering Sighs

One of the perils of a long distance relationship is that one doesn't get enough sleep. This week, for the most part I've been sleep deprived and not cause of the relationshp. I think it's a change of weather. It's getting hotter and for some reason, that's been throwing my sleep off. So though I'm in bed for about 7 hours, I just don't feel I've slept enough.

This morning it was an immense struggle to get myself out of bed and into the world. Since my commute to work is roughly an hour in the morning, I sleep on the bus as well. I got off the bus and met a colleague of mine who though I've got a really bad cold cause my eyes are swollen :)

Well I do have a cold... but nowhere near that bad.

Another weekend approaches and I'm not very sure what I want to do. Last weekend (and the one before that) I wanted to go out very badly. Just to hang out in some public space and soak in the world. My workmates though, didn't have any plans, my friends... I met on Saturday night and had quite a good time actually. But somehow it wasn't enough.

Lately it seems like nothing is enough. My work's going well but my house isn't clean enough, I don't cook enough, I don't spend enough time with family, I don't save enough... I guess the list could go on forever. Basically I'm feeling unfulfilled and I'm not sure why. Is it a lack of exercise or hobbies? Is it a lack of anything outside work and house? But that's not true. I do watch movies and read books. I do have several friends and read the newspaper and stuff.

Maybe it's that my world is closing in around me. My world is finally, just me. I've thought about this before and known that I don't really have the skills to deal with this. When I just have to think about myself, I become fairly selfish. That doesn't leave much room for anybody else in my space except as guests. That visit for a limited duration and leave. They can impose on my personal space but it's clear that they're imposing. Before this, SO was also a part of my personal space. In fact, it was our space. Now, no longer. I did know this would happen, subconsiously. Known it since I started working and earning and doing up the house the way I want. Considering it's my house and I'm the only one that's going to live in it for a while longer, it's only fair. But then my personality includes this space. And I find it difficult to have another personality in the same space. Does this make sense? Guests don't impose their personalities on the house. They visit, maybe admire, and leave. SO would definitely do more than that. I didn't think it would be so hard for me. For a year I shared spaces with other people but I guess it was different. While I shared a flat, my room was mine alone. When I shared my friend's flat (without paying rent) even if I didn't appreciate the arrangement, I did nothing cause it wasn't mine. I'm not sure how I'll react if SO wants to change something or move something around.

Though, to be fair to him, it's not like he wants to do anything to the space. He may suggest other arrangements and stuff but that's not the area of concern. It's that firtly the space will be shared and no longer just mine, and secondly... his quirks. I guess over time I've forgotten how to adjust to quirks. When he visited me, it was nice exept for when I got irritated by the quirks. I know it's my fault. He is who he is and I've to accept that. I guess what freaks me out the most is that I won't want to accept the quirks.

I remember telling him sometime last year to marry me as soon as possible as I may not want to get married later. As time goes by this possibility grows stronger. Its not that I don't want to get married at all, just that I've forgotten what it was like when we were together or why I was anxious to get married to him in the first place. Sure it would be nice to have him around but I'm forgetting how to talk to him and how to be with him. Is it my fault? Definitely. I live in the here and now. I guess I've always know that distance is difficult for me but I've no real idea of what to do. The situation that exists now has to continue for another year and a half. How do I keep myself 'engaged' for this time? What if I can't?

At least now I know why I have lingering sighs...

Who's yer daddy?

Have you ever felt let down by the blogs you read because they're not updated too frequently? I've always known that I'm voyeuristic and blogs are a wonderful way to satisfy my need to probe into other people's lives. Yet from time to time they clam up, or do nothing exciting or say nothing interesting. Is this fair? As bloggers who know they have visitors and blurkers... how dare they?

:) Fortunately I have no such pressures personally but am generally a bit bored. There's something about having work and knowing that you will and can do it... and just not wanting to. Maybe it's just chronic laziness in my case. I like my work, some parts of it are even interesting and yet there's the need to procrastinate. Notice that I call it a need, not an urge. I'm too far gone! Help!!

What was that again?

I wanted to post but I'm not sure why. There was some amount of restlessness. Thoughts that just wanted to get out and weren't finding suitable expression. I logged in and opened this page but then got down to work (which I was avoiding by planning to post) and forgot :)

Maybe that's what I was looking for, a distraction to remind me of why I'm here.

Life and Times

The past two weeks have been... interesting. Last week this time SO was with me and I had a car. Today I have neither. It's weird to go from a long distance relationship to a normal relationship back to a distance thing. I'm sure I didn't make it easy for poor SO fighting with him yesterday. The issues with living alone and then actually trying to share my life and work.

Before this, I lived with other people but didn't share any of my work except cooking. We would each do our own washing and ironing and folding and such like. So there were no questions of things not being done the way I like them. I guess overall 2005 was just hard. I was very angry with him for the most part of it. I'm still a bit angry with him but much less now. Hopefully he'll make it to my city for 2 months at a strech later (as is presently planned).

I always believed that I'd want to share my life with someone. That's still true but I've learnt about myself that it's a very 'here and now' sharing. If I want you around and you're not, there's a price to be paid. Of course, this only happens with SO, with my other friends I'm absolutely fine. Maybe it's been so long since I've been with SO that I've forgotten that I was always like that with him. Or maybe I'm just nuts.

Every So Often

This week has been rather bad because of two late nights punctuated by strange hypocrisy. The weekend before was a bit worse because I spent a lot of money on sub-standard beautification treatments and missed out on meeting the family on a whole. Just as I was mentally making a list of things to be done this weekend, I got an email from my mother about how my parents only get to see me once a month. And work is sitting around because I'm very tired and sleepy so I decided to get it all out of my system.

Things to do:
1. Meet grandmother.
2. Call uncle in Madras.
3. Meet parents.
4. File Tax Returns for last year.
5. Finish the process for fellowship which was completed in August 2005.
6. Clean parts of house.
7. Wash clothes (in machine).
8. Practice saxophone.
9. Wash vessels.
10. Continue knitting sweater.
11. Buy vegetables.
12. Cook.
13. Iron.

It doesn't seem so bad but this is what needs to be done outside work and therefore can only be done on weekends. Also, on weekends I need to catch up on the sleep I miss during the week. So on an average I manage to do 6, 7, 9, 11, 12 and 13. Then if I meet a friend or two, the weekend's gone and I've not met family at all. And my parents stay in the middle of nowhere off some really terrible road. And they fight so much and are so generally depressing that when I do see them I just get more depressed. Do I dare tell them that? Not a chance in hell. When SO's around, it's much easier cause he's nice to them and I can relax a bit.

I guess it's all about perspective. I can't keep everybody happy and I have admitted that to myself. Currently my parents are well and able to take care of themselves. I do feel guilty but as their child, I don't believe it's my responsiblity to see that they are entertained. Currently I've to build my own life and future. I guess I can explain myself to anybody else but my parents. I'm not the most affectionate child but I'd like to believe that I'm dutiful. Then from time to time I slip up on the duties and feel bad.

I'd love to be one of those super organised people who can make timetables and stick to them thoroughly. I would love to be able to schedule my life and frankly, there is a rough schedule. Wake up, come to work, work, go home, eat, sleep. I guess I believe in broad flexible patterns rather than rigid micro-management.

Fortunately next week is very relaxed cause I've 2 days off at the end of the week and I've taken Wednesday off as SO will be here. this means that this weekend will be a little more chilled on the cooking and cleaning and ironing front. Besides there won't be any friend meetings so parents or at least grand mother should feature. And hopefully I'll get 4 and 5 done as well.

Happy New Year!!

And here we are, in the early stages of another year. Just as we were, one year ago. A whole year of opportunities, many of which will go unnoticed, some of which will be wasted, and the rest of which, hopefully, will be made the most of.

Last year had its fair share of those for me. Job opportunities that I didn't look for, job opportunities which weren't properly followed up... and general life type things. The year itself was great. I did a lot of stuff that I'd never have done at home, watch an F1 race and see Sting live. Now, I feel that I want to visit on F1 race a year.

Personally the year was rather messy but seems to have resolved itself. In all these years, there's never been one in which I knew I would not get married. When I was younger it wasn't a formed thought. I didn't think at the start of the year that I won't be married this year. As I look back I realise that most of those years I didn't want to get married. But from 2003 I've been wanting to get formally engaged and married. I hoped that 2004 would be the year but when it didn't seem like it I went to study. Then I hoped 2005 would be the year and it was quite traumatic that it wasn't. I know right now that 2006 will definitely not be the year and... it feels quite fine.

It appears that 2006 will be the year of me. I get to do exactly what I want, when I want and not worry about much else. Naturally all this 'my way' will be tempered by my job, but personally, there's nothing I'm working towards. Is that good? I sure hope so :)

At Last

I discovered some details about Kunal Ganjawala today. It took some fairly mundane google searching but still. From my childhood, one ad that I really loved was the milk federation ad "Doodh Doodh". I loved the ad overall and the music. Then I grew older and really liked "O Humdum" from Saathiya. Also, Bheegay Honth. I guess you see where this is going. I never realised there was a connection till I found out that O Humdum was sung by Kunal Ganjawala. Since then I've been intrigued by Kunal Ganjawala and today discovered that he's sung some other songs that I really like. In short, I've liked his voice for a long time without knowing whose it is.

:) Finding out makes me feel really happy.

Relationships

No... this is not another post about my poor SO. Actually it's a post about a colleague/boss/friend of mine. I've known him for a few years and we're not incredibly close but have one good friend in common and enjoy each other's company. I guess it helps that I get along with his wife.

He has absolutely the most energy I know. He finds enough time to chat with all the people he works with closely so that they feel included in his world and happy. It's not like he's plotting to spend x amount of time with each person over a week but he manages it awesomely well. Beyond that, he manages to put enough effort into his relationship with his ex-girlfriend so that she never feels out of it. He practically calls her every day, he definitely calls when she's ill. It's quite awesome. I don't do that much for my friends, let alone ex-s. I personally am of the opinion that he married a girl who would suit him socially but not completely intellectually and he needs his ex in his life for that.

However, I am in awe of his ability to invest in relationships to such a huge degree.

Bright Bright Sunshiny Day!

The weather nowadays is awesome when it's sunny. Bright blue skies with cottony clouds and lovely sunshine. And it's officially winter so it's cool and pretty. I love my city :)

Life is looking up. Work isn't killing and SO and I are doing ok. Not as wonderfully well as I'd like but that's cause we're not in the same place. Still... I guess now it's his turn to sweat and take my tantrums ;)

I was wondering earlier how to make new male friends without seeming 'interested' in them. I already have several male friends and it's great fun hanging out with them. Recently I met another boy whom I'd like to get to know better but I was quite worried about sending him the wrong signals. Then yesterday SO needed some help so I sent out a mail to all my colleagues, including the new friend material boy asking for help for SO. I got a bit of grief for the funny part of it and got a bit of probing to see if I was telling people to back off but now it's all great :)

The only bad thing about yesterday and today is this slight nagging headache. It's hovering around and gets worse from time to time. I'm hoping it's lack of sleep and I can go home and pass out sometime today. Working life sucks in some ways. Somebody wants me to take a call late tonight. Not late like 11:00 p.m. but late in terms of the working day. I mean, my employer doesn't own me. I do have a life! I promise I do! ;)

Maahi Ve

Teri yaad aati hai re :)

Hindi Song Title: Maahive Teri Yaad Aati
Hindi Movie/Album Name: MANTRA
Singer(s): FAAKHIR

jaan hain kya dil cheez kya
main tera sab kutch tera
suna suna mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
o chandan si dhup mein o badli ki or se
maahive o teri yaad aati hain re
ek sundar pyar ka sapna laati hain re
maahive - 2


hosh ho na khabar ho
shab dhale na sehar ho
ek aaisa safar ho aur tum saath ho
raat jugnu siataarein , rang khusbu nazaarein
pyar ke ho ishaarein aur tum saath ho
suna suna mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
chandan si dhup mein o badli ki or se
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
o ek sundar pyar ka sapna laati hain re
maahive - 2

rooth jaane mein kya hain
maan jane mein kya hain
dil jalane mein kya hain, ab tum jaan lo
mukhtasar hain fasana main hu tera deewana
dil na mera dukhana ab tum jaan lo
suna suna mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
jaa hain kya dil cheej kya
main tera sab kutch tera
suno suno mera jeevan mere najdeek aa
maahive ho teri yaad aati hain re
o chandan si dhup mein o badli ki or se
maahive o teri yaad aati hain re
o ek sundar pyar ko sapna laati hain re
maahive - 2

Ad Last

Yesterday I saw an ad that made me cry. It had an elderly gent whose doorbell rang. He answered it and saw a box of laddus outside with a lit candle. Then he saw his even older sisters singing "Happy Birthday Chotu". Man, it still moves me. I guess when I'm old and grey and my mother calls me baby, I'll be as moved. Currently though the epithet is embarrassing.

Another ad I've been wanting to blog about is the new Moods condom ad. Moods have always had agressive ads, with men who are not embarrassed to be buying condoms. The new ad is definitely sexually aggressive. Women who are openly touchy feely? What's happening to this country? ;)

Time to go

The weekend is merely hours away and I'm unable to finish the two tasks that I absolutely have to before I can go. I'm trying to work myself into finishing the stuff but absolutely don't feel like. The compromise is, if I finish, I don't take work home. If I don't, I get to lug the monster.

And India's playing as usual...

Someone Like You

I've often said that relationships aren't easy. The fraudoo couples who act like everything is always hunky-dory ought to be shot. That said, relationships can be absolutely amazing when both people are on the same page.

There is absolutely nothing like the closeness I feel with SO (when we're on talking terms). I think he's finally got the plot :) For years I went around with the bemused, in-love feeling and wondered if I was nuts because he's so awesomely special to me. He's slow off the blocks but he's finally there. :D

What can I say dearest?
yours.
me.

Days of Thunder

Last week was quite exciting. Had an official training/bonding session which ended in some unofficial fun. After the session some of us hung on and saw Mysore and had some fun. I got to go-kart! The last time I went was Valentine's Day, 2003. It was great fun and I knew I'd be good at it but didn't get too much time in. This time was a super blast!! I got the fastest time of the week and would quite like to go back to Mysore to take a picture of my name up. Then we saw some other sights and sounds and had an overall good time.

In other interesting news, the story of the male student allegedly molested by the head of orthopedics in Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital, Delhi, caught my eye. At first I didn't know whether the student was male or female and was surprised that such a hue and cry was being made over the molestation of a female student. When I discovered that the student was male, I figured it made sense.

Long ago once someone asked (regarding some nonsensical incident in college) whether I didn't feel angry that women were treated a certain way. I remember lashing out at that poor chap (who was trying to be sensitive) because I had already lived about 6-7 years with random people looking you up and down, mutterring things as they passed you on the street and being roadside romeos. Where was this dude's righteous indignation then? Where is it when a girl walks along the road looking down lest some goon decide that she's interested in him just cause she happened to look at his face?

And where is all the anger when girl's are molested by superiors?

French Gboy?

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs. You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

These tests are almost too easy to cheat on!

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?