Of Swollen Eyes and Lingering Sighs

One of the perils of a long distance relationship is that one doesn't get enough sleep. This week, for the most part I've been sleep deprived and not cause of the relationshp. I think it's a change of weather. It's getting hotter and for some reason, that's been throwing my sleep off. So though I'm in bed for about 7 hours, I just don't feel I've slept enough.

This morning it was an immense struggle to get myself out of bed and into the world. Since my commute to work is roughly an hour in the morning, I sleep on the bus as well. I got off the bus and met a colleague of mine who though I've got a really bad cold cause my eyes are swollen :)

Well I do have a cold... but nowhere near that bad.

Another weekend approaches and I'm not very sure what I want to do. Last weekend (and the one before that) I wanted to go out very badly. Just to hang out in some public space and soak in the world. My workmates though, didn't have any plans, my friends... I met on Saturday night and had quite a good time actually. But somehow it wasn't enough.

Lately it seems like nothing is enough. My work's going well but my house isn't clean enough, I don't cook enough, I don't spend enough time with family, I don't save enough... I guess the list could go on forever. Basically I'm feeling unfulfilled and I'm not sure why. Is it a lack of exercise or hobbies? Is it a lack of anything outside work and house? But that's not true. I do watch movies and read books. I do have several friends and read the newspaper and stuff.

Maybe it's that my world is closing in around me. My world is finally, just me. I've thought about this before and known that I don't really have the skills to deal with this. When I just have to think about myself, I become fairly selfish. That doesn't leave much room for anybody else in my space except as guests. That visit for a limited duration and leave. They can impose on my personal space but it's clear that they're imposing. Before this, SO was also a part of my personal space. In fact, it was our space. Now, no longer. I did know this would happen, subconsiously. Known it since I started working and earning and doing up the house the way I want. Considering it's my house and I'm the only one that's going to live in it for a while longer, it's only fair. But then my personality includes this space. And I find it difficult to have another personality in the same space. Does this make sense? Guests don't impose their personalities on the house. They visit, maybe admire, and leave. SO would definitely do more than that. I didn't think it would be so hard for me. For a year I shared spaces with other people but I guess it was different. While I shared a flat, my room was mine alone. When I shared my friend's flat (without paying rent) even if I didn't appreciate the arrangement, I did nothing cause it wasn't mine. I'm not sure how I'll react if SO wants to change something or move something around.

Though, to be fair to him, it's not like he wants to do anything to the space. He may suggest other arrangements and stuff but that's not the area of concern. It's that firtly the space will be shared and no longer just mine, and secondly... his quirks. I guess over time I've forgotten how to adjust to quirks. When he visited me, it was nice exept for when I got irritated by the quirks. I know it's my fault. He is who he is and I've to accept that. I guess what freaks me out the most is that I won't want to accept the quirks.

I remember telling him sometime last year to marry me as soon as possible as I may not want to get married later. As time goes by this possibility grows stronger. Its not that I don't want to get married at all, just that I've forgotten what it was like when we were together or why I was anxious to get married to him in the first place. Sure it would be nice to have him around but I'm forgetting how to talk to him and how to be with him. Is it my fault? Definitely. I live in the here and now. I guess I've always know that distance is difficult for me but I've no real idea of what to do. The situation that exists now has to continue for another year and a half. How do I keep myself 'engaged' for this time? What if I can't?

At least now I know why I have lingering sighs...