I figure the closer they are, the more likely they are to make your blood boil. My parents were over today, with my brother who lives in the States. Something about seeing me and all the relatives/family friends in this area. It was going ok till my mother said something which set my blood steaming.
Over the years I've realised that I get intensely angry very fast but very few things get me that angry. My family though can set me off like a shot. SO is another one and with him the outcome is usually thorough as well.
So there we were, sitting in my flat and I brought up the removal of a piece of woodwork which my parents had installed when they bought this flat. They really like it and probably feel sentimental about it. All fine, but I live here now and the more I look at it, the less I want it. I just want a normal wall there, that I can paint any colour I want and hang stuff on etc. So again I brought it up and my mother's suggested that I remove the stuff that's inside it to see if I can really do without it. If I can, apparently 'it's a matter of a day's work to remove that and give me a wall'. Give me a wall???
I've been a hanger on, I agree. I've not appeared financially responsible and a lot of stuff like that but I'm getting much better at it. I find the more I discuss finances with my mother, the more it seems like I can't manage by myself. The sad thing is, this is their flat. I don't feel like making a change without their approval but when they say stuff like this, I just want to move. Right now I'm so angry that I'm planning to move out after I get married. Just leave this place to them and find a place that I can do almost what I want with.
Parents and children... they're completely unwilling to accept that we can move on with our lives, even move on without them. Sometimes I think that would be easier, but I know that I owe them a hell of a lot. I wish they wouldn't see it as buying a right to my life though...
I wish there was an easier way.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Tongue Tied
I suddenly realised that visitors make my shy :) Please don't go away people, but I hope that nobody expects much from me.
I was just talking to a friend (it's his birthday) and the conversation went around to the new Titan Fastrack watch ad. It involves a collection of watches (CW) in a circle being approached by a solitary watch (SW). SW in a masculine voice says numerous x's. CW in a shrill female voice says 'y' (or my friend would have me believe 'why'). I always thought this ad related to procreation and CW was insisting only on a Y chromosome. My friend on the other hand, believes that the numerous 'xs' utterred are supposed to be 'sex' and CW is actually asking why. It's plausible... but I'm not convinced. It may be that both of us are reading way too much into the ad, but I prefer to see it as a sexist ad that makes little sense. Surely there are easier ways to convey that Titan has new watches for men and women? Maybe it's the same ad agency that came up with 'From 9 to 5 I'm not your fairer or weaker sex', probably believing that it as liberal.
I was just talking to a friend (it's his birthday) and the conversation went around to the new Titan Fastrack watch ad. It involves a collection of watches (CW) in a circle being approached by a solitary watch (SW). SW in a masculine voice says numerous x's. CW in a shrill female voice says 'y' (or my friend would have me believe 'why'). I always thought this ad related to procreation and CW was insisting only on a Y chromosome. My friend on the other hand, believes that the numerous 'xs' utterred are supposed to be 'sex' and CW is actually asking why. It's plausible... but I'm not convinced. It may be that both of us are reading way too much into the ad, but I prefer to see it as a sexist ad that makes little sense. Surely there are easier ways to convey that Titan has new watches for men and women? Maybe it's the same ad agency that came up with 'From 9 to 5 I'm not your fairer or weaker sex', probably believing that it as liberal.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Feminism
It's interesting how many feathers this word ruffles. Some people get angry at being called feminist, some love it, some... don't care either way. My education gave me a lot of exposure to feminism. In my college, it was fashionable, it was elite and it was sometimes rabid. I for one, found the theory somewhat interesting, but overwhelming. I found the rabidity... silly. The excessively rabid feminists are the ones who say all men are... well not fit to live basically. For fun I've said stuff like that myself. But then what makes us different from guys who talk about women being chained to the kitchen?
Of the various guys I know, their attitudes towards women in general is different from their attitude towards a particular woman. Depending on who that woman is, the sensitivity is different. I've often been called 'one of the guys' and participated in many a risque conversation. Actually participated, without getting offended.
My friends may well be 'guy' guys when there are no girls around and by this I mean they may talk about women as being meant to stay at home, in the kitchen or not able to change light bulbs or punctures or whatever. But they're good people. Who interact with other people without taking their gender into account.
I guess that's what it is all about to me. I refuse to be judged based on my gender.
Of the various guys I know, their attitudes towards women in general is different from their attitude towards a particular woman. Depending on who that woman is, the sensitivity is different. I've often been called 'one of the guys' and participated in many a risque conversation. Actually participated, without getting offended.
My friends may well be 'guy' guys when there are no girls around and by this I mean they may talk about women as being meant to stay at home, in the kitchen or not able to change light bulbs or punctures or whatever. But they're good people. Who interact with other people without taking their gender into account.
I guess that's what it is all about to me. I refuse to be judged based on my gender.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Satisfied Mobius Strip!
 Your movie star name: Chips Rajagopal Your fashion designer name is Aarathi Brussels Your socialite name is Baby Bombay Your fly girl / guy name is A Che Your detective name is Horse Sophia Your barfly name is Biscuits Rusty Nail Your soap opera name is Raman Your rock star name is Dark Chocolate Thought Your Star Wars name is Aarleo Cheana Your punk rock band name is The Satisfied Mobius Strip |
Abhiwarya? or Aishekh?
I just found out the Rediff has decided to dub the Aishwariya Rai - Abhishekh Bachchan 'relationship' Abhiwarya, along the lines of TomKat and Brangelina. I didn't think they were actually seeing each other. Not that I really care at all, just that I don't much like Aishwarya Rai. Don't think she's much of an actor. Still everybody deserves someone right?
Abhishekh Bachchan? I thought he was really cute. Loved his interviews with Simi Garewal, seemed like a fun guy. Thought he deserved better than Aishwarya. Thought Rani Mukherjee was a good choice. They actually shared quite a bit of chemistry in Bunty or Babli. So... that was it I thought. He makes movies with Aishwarya, he does poojas with Aishwarya... so what? They want to get married... so what?
Then I find that there's more. Like a family negotiation for a year almost. Both families have agreed, reports say. But this new movie Dhoom2, in which Aishwarya kisses Hrithik and wears skimpy clothes has upset the Bachchan clan. Abhishekh didn't like the kiss and his family didn't like the clothes. But he goes around kissing women all the time no? One can imagine his mother asking him, 'Uska image bilkul theekh tha, phir yeh sab karne ki kya zaroorat thi? Sab jante hai ki woh achchi dikhti hai to phir ye chote chote kapde kyun pehna usne?' I mean!
I thought it would be easy to be born into a family like that. Sure there's paparazzi but surely the're liberal right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they're a traditional Indian family that insist on Bahus being Bahus. They may be excited and excitable young ladies, but after marriage, they take care of the house and children. So what if they are talented and capable in their own right? So what if they have dreams and ambitions?
And then there's Abhishekh. Is it ok for him to have his fiance give up things which are important to her so that she can 'fit in' to his family? Would he draw the line somewhere? What if his wife (whoever she is) wants to continue working when she has children? Would he say it's her choice, I'll stay home with the children? Maybe he's so well brought up that the ambitious girls stay away from him, knowing that when it comes to a choice like this, they will lose.
I know I wouldn't take it. Even if my most favourite hero professed his undying love for me. I guess I'm quite glad that I'm born to a life where I can choose a partner without fear or favour.
And as for Abhiwarya... I prefer IceShake!
Abhishekh Bachchan? I thought he was really cute. Loved his interviews with Simi Garewal, seemed like a fun guy. Thought he deserved better than Aishwarya. Thought Rani Mukherjee was a good choice. They actually shared quite a bit of chemistry in Bunty or Babli. So... that was it I thought. He makes movies with Aishwarya, he does poojas with Aishwarya... so what? They want to get married... so what?
Then I find that there's more. Like a family negotiation for a year almost. Both families have agreed, reports say. But this new movie Dhoom2, in which Aishwarya kisses Hrithik and wears skimpy clothes has upset the Bachchan clan. Abhishekh didn't like the kiss and his family didn't like the clothes. But he goes around kissing women all the time no? One can imagine his mother asking him, 'Uska image bilkul theekh tha, phir yeh sab karne ki kya zaroorat thi? Sab jante hai ki woh achchi dikhti hai to phir ye chote chote kapde kyun pehna usne?' I mean!
I thought it would be easy to be born into a family like that. Sure there's paparazzi but surely the're liberal right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they're a traditional Indian family that insist on Bahus being Bahus. They may be excited and excitable young ladies, but after marriage, they take care of the house and children. So what if they are talented and capable in their own right? So what if they have dreams and ambitions?
And then there's Abhishekh. Is it ok for him to have his fiance give up things which are important to her so that she can 'fit in' to his family? Would he draw the line somewhere? What if his wife (whoever she is) wants to continue working when she has children? Would he say it's her choice, I'll stay home with the children? Maybe he's so well brought up that the ambitious girls stay away from him, knowing that when it comes to a choice like this, they will lose.
I know I wouldn't take it. Even if my most favourite hero professed his undying love for me. I guess I'm quite glad that I'm born to a life where I can choose a partner without fear or favour.
And as for Abhiwarya... I prefer IceShake!
Monday, November 27, 2006
A New Voice
I went quiet some time ago mainly because I was leaving a job and office... and moving to a new one. It was quite hard, given that at my old job I did a lot of stuff pretty much by myself and had to properly hand it all over... and that I really liked the team there. The handover wasn't 100% smooth, but it was not bad I believe. There was one issue that came up about two weeks ago that had me a bit worried, but it wasn't a failure to perform a task, it was a failure to record performance. As crucial, but less traumatic.
Then came moving to a new organisation, learning about the organisation, fitting in... it took some time. From not knowing anybody to actually having a lunch group, it's been interesting. These are fun people as well... just that I've to get to know them :)
I met one of my old colleagues last weekend. He was a colleague at my first job, then a friend, then a colleague again, and now just a friend. At some ways, in the job I just left, I felt he was one of my hurdles. He was smart and hard working and all that, but so was I. And he was in my path upwards, and unlikely to move out of there. I guess when I was recruited, I thought my role was important. Soon I learnt that it wasn't that important so wanted to do something that really contributed to the company. I started doing that but it was rather boring... and to get the interesting work, I'd have had to fight quite hard. And there was a hell of a commute to and from work.
My friend would be traumatised to hear that I think he was a hurdle, but maybe he knows. He joined that organisation about two years before me, and naturally had precedence. He was also naturally, doing better than me in terms of salary and position. But I felt at points that there was no room at his level. At points when I felt comfortable with my own abilities, my own skills and believed I could handle what he was handling, I knew that would never happen. Was it because of him, no. What happened to me was that I was in a grey zone. I felt I was as competent, but I was and would always have remained his junior. That as not something I was comfortable with and given all the other factors, it was pushing me out of there.
Maybe my point here is that in some senses, he was competition. Not just competition, but a rival who had a 2 year headstart. Honestly, when I joined I was happy to be his junior and go to him for responses, but eventually I outgrew that and my boss wasn't as useful or helpful. My friend was helpful, but very busy and... well I was as good wasn't I? Yet he was doing high profile work and I wasn't. He had his favourites and I was... on the fringes. He liked me, he liked my work, but I guess the grey zone worked for him as well. I was not a proper junior cause I had almost as much experience as him and I wasn't on-par cause I wasn't very old in the organisation.
His favourite though, was whom I've previously described as the 'hardest worker'. I think that was also an attitude she'd inherited from my friend. Paranoia in all its forms. Jealousy as well. As I said before, I'm happy to do my work and proceed with my life, without worrying about what other people are doing. I think it's a waste of energy to want to work harder than anybody else, I also know that I'm not capable of working more than a reasonable amount. At crunch times I'll work long hours, but it's not something I can or want to do every day. The 'hardest worker' types absolutely have to kill themselves working. It's either training or pure paranoia that somebody will overtake them.
I had this absolutely amazing conversation with a friend of mine recently. Friend from college who's single now and working very hard... and doing the same kind of work or at least willing to talk about it. I'd told my really close friends that I was afraid I was leaving my job because I've made mistakes. She asked if it was 'routine' mistakes and honestly I didn't know. I met her recently and discussed all of this. Turns out it's all the same and some of us obsess about it. Everybody makes mistakes, some of us take it personally. Some of us tell the world about our mistakes and feel terrible about the fixing process. Some of us believe that nobody else makes mistakes because we never hear them talk of it. And when I say mistakes, I mean things we consider hugely serious, but which are actually routine.
Her experience was very akin to mine. Making a major error and not knowing why you made the error. Losing confidence in your abilities for a while and then picking up the pieces. Knowing that we have to go on by ourselves because our bosses don't want to hear that they've to supervise us. And we do, we carry on but are always afraid of the next mistake. When I found out that it's not just me, I realised that looking over my shoulder is counter productive. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I've to trust myself. Mistakes might not even be errors of judgement, cause almost every boss I've had would overlook an error of judgement but not carelessness.
Wow! I just realised that I've always considered myself careless. When I was a child, I probably was. I made careless mistakes in maths tests, I lost stuff... Now, I still wouldn't call myself careful. Food for thought!
Then came moving to a new organisation, learning about the organisation, fitting in... it took some time. From not knowing anybody to actually having a lunch group, it's been interesting. These are fun people as well... just that I've to get to know them :)
I met one of my old colleagues last weekend. He was a colleague at my first job, then a friend, then a colleague again, and now just a friend. At some ways, in the job I just left, I felt he was one of my hurdles. He was smart and hard working and all that, but so was I. And he was in my path upwards, and unlikely to move out of there. I guess when I was recruited, I thought my role was important. Soon I learnt that it wasn't that important so wanted to do something that really contributed to the company. I started doing that but it was rather boring... and to get the interesting work, I'd have had to fight quite hard. And there was a hell of a commute to and from work.
My friend would be traumatised to hear that I think he was a hurdle, but maybe he knows. He joined that organisation about two years before me, and naturally had precedence. He was also naturally, doing better than me in terms of salary and position. But I felt at points that there was no room at his level. At points when I felt comfortable with my own abilities, my own skills and believed I could handle what he was handling, I knew that would never happen. Was it because of him, no. What happened to me was that I was in a grey zone. I felt I was as competent, but I was and would always have remained his junior. That as not something I was comfortable with and given all the other factors, it was pushing me out of there.
Maybe my point here is that in some senses, he was competition. Not just competition, but a rival who had a 2 year headstart. Honestly, when I joined I was happy to be his junior and go to him for responses, but eventually I outgrew that and my boss wasn't as useful or helpful. My friend was helpful, but very busy and... well I was as good wasn't I? Yet he was doing high profile work and I wasn't. He had his favourites and I was... on the fringes. He liked me, he liked my work, but I guess the grey zone worked for him as well. I was not a proper junior cause I had almost as much experience as him and I wasn't on-par cause I wasn't very old in the organisation.
His favourite though, was whom I've previously described as the 'hardest worker'. I think that was also an attitude she'd inherited from my friend. Paranoia in all its forms. Jealousy as well. As I said before, I'm happy to do my work and proceed with my life, without worrying about what other people are doing. I think it's a waste of energy to want to work harder than anybody else, I also know that I'm not capable of working more than a reasonable amount. At crunch times I'll work long hours, but it's not something I can or want to do every day. The 'hardest worker' types absolutely have to kill themselves working. It's either training or pure paranoia that somebody will overtake them.
I had this absolutely amazing conversation with a friend of mine recently. Friend from college who's single now and working very hard... and doing the same kind of work or at least willing to talk about it. I'd told my really close friends that I was afraid I was leaving my job because I've made mistakes. She asked if it was 'routine' mistakes and honestly I didn't know. I met her recently and discussed all of this. Turns out it's all the same and some of us obsess about it. Everybody makes mistakes, some of us take it personally. Some of us tell the world about our mistakes and feel terrible about the fixing process. Some of us believe that nobody else makes mistakes because we never hear them talk of it. And when I say mistakes, I mean things we consider hugely serious, but which are actually routine.
Her experience was very akin to mine. Making a major error and not knowing why you made the error. Losing confidence in your abilities for a while and then picking up the pieces. Knowing that we have to go on by ourselves because our bosses don't want to hear that they've to supervise us. And we do, we carry on but are always afraid of the next mistake. When I found out that it's not just me, I realised that looking over my shoulder is counter productive. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I've to trust myself. Mistakes might not even be errors of judgement, cause almost every boss I've had would overlook an error of judgement but not carelessness.
Wow! I just realised that I've always considered myself careless. When I was a child, I probably was. I made careless mistakes in maths tests, I lost stuff... Now, I still wouldn't call myself careful. Food for thought!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Skull Crusher Busty Bertha??
| Your Pirate Name Is... |
 |
Did it a few times and got different answers but the first one was ... appropriate :) Most of my male friends through my late teens and early twenties found me remarkably intimidating. I've chilled out rather a lot and now don't crush skulls that easily... but have gained a lot of weight so other parts of the name are appropriate :)
Blogthings is a wonderful way to waste time without thinking that you're wasting time. Maybe more later.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The Moving Finger
I've forgotten if I've mentioned this before but some time ago I got a job offer. I wasn't looking but this one found me. Also, I wasn't having a great time at my present job so I looked a bit harder. Then it went on till I was made a formal offer, with sufficient money (as in, as much as I asked for). I can't think of a great reason to leave my present job. I like it when it's low stress but of late its been really busy. I'd made a few mistakes and recently found that I've lost some documents. Now I'm not very organized so I've evolved systems to ensure that I never lose stuff, but I've managed to. And some of it is not replaceable. I'm quite concerned but such is life. One makes mistakes, one takes the flak for it and life goes on.
In the mean time, I've quit a job and can't talk about it... feels weird.
In the mean time, I've quit a job and can't talk about it... feels weird.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Oh No!
I can't believe I'm messing up as much as I am. Two things that I'm dealing with show signs of going horribly wrong. In each of them I have excuses but they're just that ... excuses. I should have been more careful in the first place. I'm very worried about myself now. Usually I make a mistake, I go through hell for a while and then I recover confidence. In these two... I really don't know what to say. One is a horrible horrible mistake, but with some finger pointing I can get through it. I don't want to engage in finger pointing as it serves no purpose. I'd much rather just grovel. I fully plan to as well. Grovel till I can go no lower. Fortunately the people I'm working with have been supportive to some degree. They also have to face the flack for this and we're all in together - sink or swim.
The problem is that these mistakes have shaken me quite badly. I don't want to do any more work for fear of what I'll miss. I know that I'm not incompetent. I also know that I am not stupid. But when I make mistakes, they're not missing full stops or bad capitalization. They're things that make people very angry. They make me very nervous because they're mistakes. They're not wrong decisions that I took. I can live with those also. I thought about something and got it wrong... somewhat scary. But I just got something wrong? Way scarier!!
Just now I discovered that there are some other mistakes with regard to the same piece of work. Not mistakes I made, as I asked questions and got the wrong answers. But I guess this means that next time I will not ask questions with regard to that. I'm very horrified with the mess I'm in.
The problem is that these mistakes have shaken me quite badly. I don't want to do any more work for fear of what I'll miss. I know that I'm not incompetent. I also know that I am not stupid. But when I make mistakes, they're not missing full stops or bad capitalization. They're things that make people very angry. They make me very nervous because they're mistakes. They're not wrong decisions that I took. I can live with those also. I thought about something and got it wrong... somewhat scary. But I just got something wrong? Way scarier!!
Just now I discovered that there are some other mistakes with regard to the same piece of work. Not mistakes I made, as I asked questions and got the wrong answers. But I guess this means that next time I will not ask questions with regard to that. I'm very horrified with the mess I'm in.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Crossroads
Life has been somewhat exciting of late. I've got a job offer, without looking. It seems interesting and I've applied formally, but nobody in my present office knows that I've done this. At some point, I've to break the fact of applying to my main friend here. To ensure that he's not caught off guard if I leave. Because of this excitement, I'm not very enthusiastic about work and am quite looking forward to leaving. This is forcing me to clean up stuff here to ensure completion before I leave... if I leave. Not altogether a bad thing.
Apart from that a very close friend is in India and I've not met her for about 4 years. Imagine that! 4 years. Fortunately email is an option, but 4 years is really long! Anyway, I get to see her this weekend, for just about a day, but such is life. The tough part is that she's going through a crisis with her husband and is not very excited about it. We'll see how it works out, but basically, it's not a happy thought. She was amongst the first of us to get married and we thought it was all very romantic. Now, 7 years later, if she's not happy... I doubt any one of us will tell her to hang on to something that's causing more pain than pleasure... But where does that leave the concept of marriage? All of us got into relationships and then got married. This one took the least time over it, but still, she knew the man fairly well before any knots were tied. However, she didn't know herself very well. The rest of us... 4 years+ on the relationship followed by marriage. Even then it's not easy so I can't imagine what it's like to find yourself and then find yourself in a relationship that you no longer want... or are not sure that you want.
Cafe Mondegar, here we come!! Maybe I will attempt a little Leopold's as well...
Apart from that a very close friend is in India and I've not met her for about 4 years. Imagine that! 4 years. Fortunately email is an option, but 4 years is really long! Anyway, I get to see her this weekend, for just about a day, but such is life. The tough part is that she's going through a crisis with her husband and is not very excited about it. We'll see how it works out, but basically, it's not a happy thought. She was amongst the first of us to get married and we thought it was all very romantic. Now, 7 years later, if she's not happy... I doubt any one of us will tell her to hang on to something that's causing more pain than pleasure... But where does that leave the concept of marriage? All of us got into relationships and then got married. This one took the least time over it, but still, she knew the man fairly well before any knots were tied. However, she didn't know herself very well. The rest of us... 4 years+ on the relationship followed by marriage. Even then it's not easy so I can't imagine what it's like to find yourself and then find yourself in a relationship that you no longer want... or are not sure that you want.
Cafe Mondegar, here we come!! Maybe I will attempt a little Leopold's as well...
Friday, August 04, 2006
and then...?
To anybody who's seen Dude Where's My Car, a very recognisable line. But frankly, it could be the main line of my life. Is this all there is to it? Is there no glory to my days? Do I want glory? All glorious lives have oodles of drama and pain. Suffering, rising above odds, that sort of thing. My thougths just run together and run on and on. Where's the suffering? Where are the overwhelming odds? Maybe I have complex... there's probably a term for it as well. Only those who've truly suffered deserve to succeed. Something Christian there I believe. I remember when I was a child we saw this movie in school (a convent school in case you hadn't already guessed). It was about this nun in a convent who saw visions of Mary smiling at her. Another nun in the convent was very upset that she, who prayed hard and did more penance did not see the visions. Why, she asked, did the other nun deserve this honour? At some later point a doctor informed this second nun that the first nun had a degenerative and very painful hip condition which meant she would soon not be able to walk. The second nun was mortified because nobody knew that the first nun was so afflicted, she bore it all without a trace of discomfort. To make up for her jealousy and to serve the lord better, she took to carrying the first nun once she could no longer walk.
In short, to earn a glimpse of heaven, you need to be in more pain and agony than your fellow people. And am I? Somebody once said that creative souls are oversensitive. Maybe that's my excuse. I'm creative :) Cause I certainly am oversensitive. But will it ever amount to anything?
I'll do my job, I'll proceed with my life. Hopefully I'll acquire new skills along the way and keep learning some more about life and people in general but somehow, I miss the creative life. I want to write, I want to express but it gets harder. Sometimes because I don't have time and sometimes because it would be hurtful to others. Does it count? Can you explain to friends and family that though you made their pain public, you provided insight... and others love it. Is that good enough? Can I claim that I'm an artist and therefore a free spirit? That I should be free to follow my fancies? Can't one be a responsible artist?...
I guess everybody has questions and is looking for answers. I've my own questions and sometimes I find answers. Every so often I wonder what's better... to renounce all responsibility and abandon myself to life completely, or to be ... well, adult. To think things through and decide about a course of action based on the action and the possible consequences. Boring what?
In short, to earn a glimpse of heaven, you need to be in more pain and agony than your fellow people. And am I? Somebody once said that creative souls are oversensitive. Maybe that's my excuse. I'm creative :) Cause I certainly am oversensitive. But will it ever amount to anything?
I'll do my job, I'll proceed with my life. Hopefully I'll acquire new skills along the way and keep learning some more about life and people in general but somehow, I miss the creative life. I want to write, I want to express but it gets harder. Sometimes because I don't have time and sometimes because it would be hurtful to others. Does it count? Can you explain to friends and family that though you made their pain public, you provided insight... and others love it. Is that good enough? Can I claim that I'm an artist and therefore a free spirit? That I should be free to follow my fancies? Can't one be a responsible artist?...
I guess everybody has questions and is looking for answers. I've my own questions and sometimes I find answers. Every so often I wonder what's better... to renounce all responsibility and abandon myself to life completely, or to be ... well, adult. To think things through and decide about a course of action based on the action and the possible consequences. Boring what?
Monday, June 26, 2006
Unlikely Idols
Or ideals or whatever... Working as I am, somewhat linked to information technology and fairly strongly linked to intellectual property, Bill Gates has been a villian in some way or the other. If you look for stories, there are endless ... how he took DOS, made some changes and called it his own, how Windows is full of bugs and is unweildy but just had a large market share so we're stuck with it... Enough and more. But when you're not looking, suddenly you find the person.
He was in India some time ago and was interviewed with NR Narayan Murthy. NRN and Infosys have been compared to Bill Gates and Microsoft due to some parallels in creation and functioning. I now believe that the comparison is favourable to both. As I said, earlier, Bill Gates was this big bad mogul who was continuously making money off a bad product. In the initial stages, it couldn't have been his fault. If anybody else was enterprising enough or had a good enough product, they would have come up anyway. The market itself was developing so it probably would have been difficult for Microsoft to monopolise anything. However, once it was somewhat established, claims of anti-competitive activies seem well founded. It appears from trial transcripts that part of their business strategy was suppressing their rivals.
But now, Bill Gates seems to have moved beyond that. By some quirk of fate, today I read something that makes me think that he's still the inventive geek who's excited by a new idea and somewhat depressed by the behemoth that his organisation has become. The first is a snippet of an interview that he gave to Wall Street Journal where he admitted to watching stuff on YouTube. Outrightly a crime in itself. A crime which the Microsoft Corporation has exerted international pressure to stamp out. One that still concerns them in China. And Mr. Gates is guilty himself :) Must give him pause. I believe that now he sees greys. When Microsoft was growing, there was black and red. Do what you need to to stay in the black. Now, it would be tremendously hard for them to fold up immediately. They've reached the status of an IBM or whatever was their main target when they started out. They're the big guys now, all the little innovators are lining their sights up on MS, hoping to be the David in this battle... as undoubtedly MS was when it started out.
Forgive a minor digression... do you think that when a little guy starts out, he sees turning into his enemy as success? Google was a young entrepreneurial bunch who were exciting and fresh. They had a great idea and wanted to beat the pants off the MSs and Yahoos of the world. They have, and now have become one of them. Do they think that's success? They're no longer on the other side, trying to get in, now they're working to keep people out... Will consider this much much later.
Back to MS. I believe that BG (got tired of typing his full name, don't know him well enogh for Bill and can't really call a person Gates, now can I?) has turned a corner. Till now it was about how well MS is doing, how much money he's making, what's the latest project etc. But now I think he's slowing down. He's realised that the future of MS is more than just his life span. It's more also, than the people he's groomed to run the company the way he would. The Gates Foundation, that was always active in social work, has begun a committed effort to improving the standard of education in America. Another post sometime may be about how America's greatest wealth at one point was its intellectual capital and now they find that most of it is imported. So they run the risk of everybody suddenly going home. Where would that leave the US? In a rather sorry state. What's the obvious solution? Find talent in schools, make it worth a student's while to stay in school and go to college and... basically contribute to the economy rather than be a daily wager.
In those terms, MS and Infosys have shown tremendous value generation both for themselves and their country. Infosys to a much less extent in cash, but a rather large extent in good will... and MS may be the reverse :)
So now, BG seems focussed on moving his country forward in some concrete way, without joining politics. I believe that in some ways, joining politics will be a step down for him. In a country where lobbies are strong and available, he doesn't need to get personally involved with that. What he does need to do is to make people use their mind... and not just those that work for him. Which brings me to the second thing I read... though it sounds like a rip off of Spiderman, "I believe that with great wealth comes great responsibility, a responsibility to give back to society, a responsibility to see that those resources are put to work in the best possible way to help those most in need." Three Cheers for BG!!!
Why? Cause this is the way I see it as well. Those that come up in society have been given some breaks and opportunities. It's their duty to see that society receives something back. I don't suppose I can explain it coherently but I definitely believe that if you have more than you need, then you're blessed and you've a duty to see that in some way, you help those that don't have what they need. In India... it's not difficult to see those who have nothing, but somehow, we're just not there yet.
He was in India some time ago and was interviewed with NR Narayan Murthy. NRN and Infosys have been compared to Bill Gates and Microsoft due to some parallels in creation and functioning. I now believe that the comparison is favourable to both. As I said, earlier, Bill Gates was this big bad mogul who was continuously making money off a bad product. In the initial stages, it couldn't have been his fault. If anybody else was enterprising enough or had a good enough product, they would have come up anyway. The market itself was developing so it probably would have been difficult for Microsoft to monopolise anything. However, once it was somewhat established, claims of anti-competitive activies seem well founded. It appears from trial transcripts that part of their business strategy was suppressing their rivals.
But now, Bill Gates seems to have moved beyond that. By some quirk of fate, today I read something that makes me think that he's still the inventive geek who's excited by a new idea and somewhat depressed by the behemoth that his organisation has become. The first is a snippet of an interview that he gave to Wall Street Journal where he admitted to watching stuff on YouTube. Outrightly a crime in itself. A crime which the Microsoft Corporation has exerted international pressure to stamp out. One that still concerns them in China. And Mr. Gates is guilty himself :) Must give him pause. I believe that now he sees greys. When Microsoft was growing, there was black and red. Do what you need to to stay in the black. Now, it would be tremendously hard for them to fold up immediately. They've reached the status of an IBM or whatever was their main target when they started out. They're the big guys now, all the little innovators are lining their sights up on MS, hoping to be the David in this battle... as undoubtedly MS was when it started out.
Forgive a minor digression... do you think that when a little guy starts out, he sees turning into his enemy as success? Google was a young entrepreneurial bunch who were exciting and fresh. They had a great idea and wanted to beat the pants off the MSs and Yahoos of the world. They have, and now have become one of them. Do they think that's success? They're no longer on the other side, trying to get in, now they're working to keep people out... Will consider this much much later.
Back to MS. I believe that BG (got tired of typing his full name, don't know him well enogh for Bill and can't really call a person Gates, now can I?) has turned a corner. Till now it was about how well MS is doing, how much money he's making, what's the latest project etc. But now I think he's slowing down. He's realised that the future of MS is more than just his life span. It's more also, than the people he's groomed to run the company the way he would. The Gates Foundation, that was always active in social work, has begun a committed effort to improving the standard of education in America. Another post sometime may be about how America's greatest wealth at one point was its intellectual capital and now they find that most of it is imported. So they run the risk of everybody suddenly going home. Where would that leave the US? In a rather sorry state. What's the obvious solution? Find talent in schools, make it worth a student's while to stay in school and go to college and... basically contribute to the economy rather than be a daily wager.
In those terms, MS and Infosys have shown tremendous value generation both for themselves and their country. Infosys to a much less extent in cash, but a rather large extent in good will... and MS may be the reverse :)
So now, BG seems focussed on moving his country forward in some concrete way, without joining politics. I believe that in some ways, joining politics will be a step down for him. In a country where lobbies are strong and available, he doesn't need to get personally involved with that. What he does need to do is to make people use their mind... and not just those that work for him. Which brings me to the second thing I read... though it sounds like a rip off of Spiderman, "I believe that with great wealth comes great responsibility, a responsibility to give back to society, a responsibility to see that those resources are put to work in the best possible way to help those most in need." Three Cheers for BG!!!
Why? Cause this is the way I see it as well. Those that come up in society have been given some breaks and opportunities. It's their duty to see that society receives something back. I don't suppose I can explain it coherently but I definitely believe that if you have more than you need, then you're blessed and you've a duty to see that in some way, you help those that don't have what they need. In India... it's not difficult to see those who have nothing, but somehow, we're just not there yet.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
It's morning and all's well...
There's an interesting sense of well-being today. I have some work but it's not going to kill me cause I've enough time to do it. Some new furniture is to be delivered today. New is a term I use loosely cause though it's new to me, one piece is my mother's and another belonged to somebody else for a long time. The latter is a frightfully expensive chest of drawers that my mother absolutely loves and that I've grown somewhat fond of. It'll serve a purpose and I'll be glad to have it. But as I said, it's frightfully expensive.
I also ordered a new fridge yesterday. I've been promised it today, but I'm also certain that there's no way it'll be delivered today. I've been looking for this fridge for a long time, refusing to buy it sight unseen, but yesterday this shop near my house convinced me that it was worth it. Since I've been looking, I know that there's no stock in the city and that this chap's promise of delivery today will not be met, but I'm intrigued :) I'm also excited.
So I'm going to work hard and then run off as early as possible to play house :)
I also ordered a new fridge yesterday. I've been promised it today, but I'm also certain that there's no way it'll be delivered today. I've been looking for this fridge for a long time, refusing to buy it sight unseen, but yesterday this shop near my house convinced me that it was worth it. Since I've been looking, I know that there's no stock in the city and that this chap's promise of delivery today will not be met, but I'm intrigued :) I'm also excited.
So I'm going to work hard and then run off as early as possible to play house :)
Monday, June 19, 2006
Twists and Turns
Last week was interesting. I didn't have too much work so had time to ponder and muse and other such interesting past times. One of my colleagues had announced her decision to quit and strangely, about two weeks ago, had several hush-hush meetings with senior team members. Turns out they made her a reasonably fabulous offer to stay. It seems fabulous to me cause they've offered her a transfer to a foreign location with slightly different scope of work and more money. Is she the brightest penny in the team? Not really, so why this special treatment? I'm not completely sure. It seems that it's largely a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease.
When I heard this, I was quite worried about my colleagues as the promotee is one of the most junior and some of the more senior ones, I felt, deserved the break more. Additionally, the promotee would be doing work that's currently handled by my colleague who believes she works the hardest. So I wondered how it would affect her. But another colleague said that the 'hardest worker' was offered the same position before but had turned it down. So I was no longer concerned about her and this morning spoke with the 'more senior' colleague. She was actually very cool about it and happy that the promotee is still with us. She realised that all her trauma over the past few months was not reaching the right ears and she'd need to fix that. So there we were, all hunky-dory till the 'hardest worker' discovered that the promotee's been promoted. It seems to have pissed her off. Her first reaction was of slight shock followed by an assertion that there won't be enough work. I'm not sure whether it's insecurity, because they did make her the offer first right?Did she just turn them down the first time for the sake of form?
Ah well... Whatever will be will be. The promotee won't be reporting to the hardest worker and probably will be competing but what the hell... It's not my bonfire. I'm fairly certain that it will be a bonfire though :)
When I heard this, I was quite worried about my colleagues as the promotee is one of the most junior and some of the more senior ones, I felt, deserved the break more. Additionally, the promotee would be doing work that's currently handled by my colleague who believes she works the hardest. So I wondered how it would affect her. But another colleague said that the 'hardest worker' was offered the same position before but had turned it down. So I was no longer concerned about her and this morning spoke with the 'more senior' colleague. She was actually very cool about it and happy that the promotee is still with us. She realised that all her trauma over the past few months was not reaching the right ears and she'd need to fix that. So there we were, all hunky-dory till the 'hardest worker' discovered that the promotee's been promoted. It seems to have pissed her off. Her first reaction was of slight shock followed by an assertion that there won't be enough work. I'm not sure whether it's insecurity, because they did make her the offer first right?Did she just turn them down the first time for the sake of form?
Ah well... Whatever will be will be. The promotee won't be reporting to the hardest worker and probably will be competing but what the hell... It's not my bonfire. I'm fairly certain that it will be a bonfire though :)
Sunday, June 11, 2006
The Upside of Anger
There's a movie named this... I've seen bits and pieces but not enough to figure out why it's called what it's called. One other blogger whom I visit (mainly cause he rants violently) says that pain lets you know you're alive. I agree upto a point. Pain lets you know you're alive by making you wish you weren't. Anger on the other hand, can be a very positive emotion. It makes you want revenge. To show the world that you are better than they think you are.
Am I angry? Yes, in several ways. There's no rage involved, no intense anger that would make me say and do very extreme things but there's simmering discontent. Simmering strangely. I'm a little miffed with one of my colleagues who believes that she's the hardest working of the bunch. Yeah, sure, of course she is, but why be insecure about it? She actually feels bad if others stay in office longer than her. I never complain about the hours I work because I usually pfaff and then catch up in the evenings. If I did my work properly during the day, I would be able to leave at some reasonable hour of the evening. But on the days when I do actually need to work late, I'd like not to have to defend my need to stay late. I'd like not to feel like a usurper of the 'Hardest Worker' title. I don't ask about pay hikes and the like. I understand that people like to believe that they're achievers. Sure. And they are as well. I'm not a rising star, I'm a plodder. I'm happy to do my work contentedly and go home. And till now I didn't do the same work as my colleagues (being somewhat specialized) and so egos weren't an issue. I could have opinions on the work they did but they weren't important opinions since I didn't have the experience that they did. Now, sometimes I feel like there's a competition on. There are others that do the same work but thanks to some sort of 'favouritism' shown by certain superiors, this one colleague seems to see me as her competitor. I don't enjoy competition. I don't particularly care either way. I'm always worried that I'm going to make a gigantic mistake. This doesn't really help. I'm kinda glad I got all this out here, cause I've to work with this girl. I've to be nice to her even though sometimes I don't feel like it. I like my colleagues but don't really want to be all their friends. So venting here means I'm normal with them.
Apart from this, a friend's brother recently committed suicide. He went missing a while ago and his family was very upset. Now they know that he'd committed suicide soon after he went missing and since he had no identification on him, his family had no idea. They're very happy to blame his girlfriend. Who can really tell? What his family saw of her didn't impress them much. She's a young girl who had a boyfriend who disappeared one day. Maybe he did genuinely have some grouses against his family which he couldn't tell them and she tried to get him to break free? Then she would be a bitch as far as the family is concerned and now that he's no more, it's all her fault. Maybe she's stupid and has railed at them from time to time. Maybe she did give him stress. But I've done that to SO. Told him he doesn't have the guts to stand up to his family for me, that they're more important to him than I am, etc. If one day, in a blue funk, he decides that he's had enough of this life... I could be looking at a jail term. I don't know this girl. She could be all the family says and more, but I don't believe it's all that simple.
And that's what I mean by the upside of anger. If SO were to leave me, for whatever reason, including that I'm a sick dog, I would get very very angry and live to prove him wrong. Who said? The best revenge is living well. You can hurt me, but you can't make me less. I will be upset and a lot of other things, but I wouldn't end things over SO. Callous what?
My friend's family is in such a mess. They've been missing the boy for 3 months and now they know where he is. But they don't know why. Everybody is blaming themselves thinking that they could have done more. They don't know, but they believe that the girl is not thinking that. They believe that she could well have another boy friend by now. They believe that she may have decided not to marry their boy, or that she was two timing him, because of which he decided to end it all. Maybe it's true, but it strikes me as strange that a grown man, with a job, who's had girlfriends in the past, found it necessary to lie down in front of a train. What would have driven him that far?
I've been sad and depressed and all, suicidal even but never had the guts to do anything about it. And even if I did work up the energy, not a chance that it would be train related. It angers me at several levels. The waste of a good, young life. Not even by some accident or quirk of fate or ill health, but because he chose it. The anxiety that his parents are now going through. Why? What was so horrible that he couldn't tell anybody? Not his parents, not his brother, not grandparents. Was it one part of his world playing him off against the other side of his world? Would that be enough to want to end it? Surely you could talk to one side or the other? Like SO's told me that at some level his parents come first. I can like it or lump it. I guess if he didn't want to tell me that, he could have told his parents that I come first, and they'd have to like it or lump it. Maybe he really didn't want to do either of these and saw no way for his life to improve. Wow. That's quite sad.
I guess the anger has dissipated quite a bit... enough for me to lead a normal life. Still... I wonder why people do wht they do.
Am I angry? Yes, in several ways. There's no rage involved, no intense anger that would make me say and do very extreme things but there's simmering discontent. Simmering strangely. I'm a little miffed with one of my colleagues who believes that she's the hardest working of the bunch. Yeah, sure, of course she is, but why be insecure about it? She actually feels bad if others stay in office longer than her. I never complain about the hours I work because I usually pfaff and then catch up in the evenings. If I did my work properly during the day, I would be able to leave at some reasonable hour of the evening. But on the days when I do actually need to work late, I'd like not to have to defend my need to stay late. I'd like not to feel like a usurper of the 'Hardest Worker' title. I don't ask about pay hikes and the like. I understand that people like to believe that they're achievers. Sure. And they are as well. I'm not a rising star, I'm a plodder. I'm happy to do my work contentedly and go home. And till now I didn't do the same work as my colleagues (being somewhat specialized) and so egos weren't an issue. I could have opinions on the work they did but they weren't important opinions since I didn't have the experience that they did. Now, sometimes I feel like there's a competition on. There are others that do the same work but thanks to some sort of 'favouritism' shown by certain superiors, this one colleague seems to see me as her competitor. I don't enjoy competition. I don't particularly care either way. I'm always worried that I'm going to make a gigantic mistake. This doesn't really help. I'm kinda glad I got all this out here, cause I've to work with this girl. I've to be nice to her even though sometimes I don't feel like it. I like my colleagues but don't really want to be all their friends. So venting here means I'm normal with them.
Apart from this, a friend's brother recently committed suicide. He went missing a while ago and his family was very upset. Now they know that he'd committed suicide soon after he went missing and since he had no identification on him, his family had no idea. They're very happy to blame his girlfriend. Who can really tell? What his family saw of her didn't impress them much. She's a young girl who had a boyfriend who disappeared one day. Maybe he did genuinely have some grouses against his family which he couldn't tell them and she tried to get him to break free? Then she would be a bitch as far as the family is concerned and now that he's no more, it's all her fault. Maybe she's stupid and has railed at them from time to time. Maybe she did give him stress. But I've done that to SO. Told him he doesn't have the guts to stand up to his family for me, that they're more important to him than I am, etc. If one day, in a blue funk, he decides that he's had enough of this life... I could be looking at a jail term. I don't know this girl. She could be all the family says and more, but I don't believe it's all that simple.
And that's what I mean by the upside of anger. If SO were to leave me, for whatever reason, including that I'm a sick dog, I would get very very angry and live to prove him wrong. Who said? The best revenge is living well. You can hurt me, but you can't make me less. I will be upset and a lot of other things, but I wouldn't end things over SO. Callous what?
My friend's family is in such a mess. They've been missing the boy for 3 months and now they know where he is. But they don't know why. Everybody is blaming themselves thinking that they could have done more. They don't know, but they believe that the girl is not thinking that. They believe that she could well have another boy friend by now. They believe that she may have decided not to marry their boy, or that she was two timing him, because of which he decided to end it all. Maybe it's true, but it strikes me as strange that a grown man, with a job, who's had girlfriends in the past, found it necessary to lie down in front of a train. What would have driven him that far?
I've been sad and depressed and all, suicidal even but never had the guts to do anything about it. And even if I did work up the energy, not a chance that it would be train related. It angers me at several levels. The waste of a good, young life. Not even by some accident or quirk of fate or ill health, but because he chose it. The anxiety that his parents are now going through. Why? What was so horrible that he couldn't tell anybody? Not his parents, not his brother, not grandparents. Was it one part of his world playing him off against the other side of his world? Would that be enough to want to end it? Surely you could talk to one side or the other? Like SO's told me that at some level his parents come first. I can like it or lump it. I guess if he didn't want to tell me that, he could have told his parents that I come first, and they'd have to like it or lump it. Maybe he really didn't want to do either of these and saw no way for his life to improve. Wow. That's quite sad.
I guess the anger has dissipated quite a bit... enough for me to lead a normal life. Still... I wonder why people do wht they do.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Rashly Negligent
I acquired a rash a few weeks ago. Almost a month ago actually. Having been to doctors very very rarely in my life, I had not clue what to do with it. I tried leaving it alone, but it didn't go away. By some quirk of fate, last weekend some calamine lotion was applied on it and it subsided a bit. So yesteray I plied it with tons of calamine and today it's almost gone :)
Is that all I really wanted to say? No!! :) It's actually that I have a lot of work but almost none of it is creative. Most of it is redoing something I'd done before, so not very exciting. It's very important to the people that need it done, but to me, it's just something else that I have to do. I guess I like believe that I'm creative. In some senses, I do my best work when I've to think about it and not just redo something or make sure that something is consistent with what my organization does.
It's been quite a while since I wrote, which is, in itself, odd for me. I've started a couple of posts but didn't complete any of them, mostly because of work. I got a bit busier in the begining of April and had some sort of conflicts at work. Again, i don't do too well when politics is involved. I believe everybody should be professional and just do their job. That's what I try to do without letting egos and other such interfere. You don't have to like everybody that you work with, but you've to work with them. I'm quite fortunate that I've a good team to work with (or at least sit with in the office). But then I've had to work with some incompetents who try to pass the blame onto others so that they can continue to do nothing at all. I guess it takes all types.
It's my birthday tomorrow and currently the thought makes me sad. I guess cause it's a Saturday and it's going to be hectic cause I've to meet people and be nice when what I really want to do is to curl up and sleep and laze around my poor neglected house. It's all very weird. Sometimes I want to go out and be exciting and excited but sometimes I want to be an ostrich. Maybe it's just cause I've got a lot of work which is not inspiring me.
Can completing work be inspiring in and of itself? It doesn't matter what you have to do, but you're driven to finish it. Let's try...
Is that all I really wanted to say? No!! :) It's actually that I have a lot of work but almost none of it is creative. Most of it is redoing something I'd done before, so not very exciting. It's very important to the people that need it done, but to me, it's just something else that I have to do. I guess I like believe that I'm creative. In some senses, I do my best work when I've to think about it and not just redo something or make sure that something is consistent with what my organization does.
It's been quite a while since I wrote, which is, in itself, odd for me. I've started a couple of posts but didn't complete any of them, mostly because of work. I got a bit busier in the begining of April and had some sort of conflicts at work. Again, i don't do too well when politics is involved. I believe everybody should be professional and just do their job. That's what I try to do without letting egos and other such interfere. You don't have to like everybody that you work with, but you've to work with them. I'm quite fortunate that I've a good team to work with (or at least sit with in the office). But then I've had to work with some incompetents who try to pass the blame onto others so that they can continue to do nothing at all. I guess it takes all types.
It's my birthday tomorrow and currently the thought makes me sad. I guess cause it's a Saturday and it's going to be hectic cause I've to meet people and be nice when what I really want to do is to curl up and sleep and laze around my poor neglected house. It's all very weird. Sometimes I want to go out and be exciting and excited but sometimes I want to be an ostrich. Maybe it's just cause I've got a lot of work which is not inspiring me.
Can completing work be inspiring in and of itself? It doesn't matter what you have to do, but you're driven to finish it. Let's try...
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
Aastha!
This morning I was watching Swami Ramdev expound about Pranayama. The endless benefits of it and how it cures almost every disease known to man. Then he took off on how women have no right to give birth to disabled children. Like one would choose to have a disabled child. I don't remember the exact detail but I know that he blamed the disability on the mother's lack of proper breathing. Maybe it's just a for of political correctness, but I felt very offended at his claiming that the disabled are any less than the fully abled. I understand if it's mental disabilities but most physical disabilities are overcome by the person concerned. How dare he suggest that the disbled have no right to live? It's all rather horrifying. Fortunately this man is not yet right wing fundamentalist, but is he far away from being that? I'm not so sure. It's a short step from where he is and I'm expecting him to take it fairly soon.
In other news, yesterday was 59 months and mid-April will be 5 years. 5 whole years. One of those 'questions' emails recently asked whether I've ever loved someone so much that I cried. Everybody I sent it to that replied said yes. I can't wrap my head around that. I love you so much that I cry? I've loved several people and dogs so much that things they do or their mortality made and makes me cry, but not just that I love them so much. I guess I've never been moved by the enormity of the emotion. I've always believed that love is overwhelming and overpowering. You're supposed to be awestruck by what you feel. And once you expect that, you won't be taken by surprise and won't be moved to tears.
Or maybe it's just me. When my dog was quite young... like 5 years old or so, I would cry because I knew that one day he would die. It helped then that he was still alive and I could be nice to him. Looking back, I'm glad that I mourned a bit when he was alive becase I wasn't around when he died. My absence is not something I'll be able to forgive myself for, but I'm very philosophical that way. It's past and nothing I can do can change that. Even then, there was nothing I could do. I could have booked tickets to return earlier but when I booked my tickets he was fine. And he died the day before I returned. The irony always upsets me, but as I said, nothing can/could be done.
Similarly with SO. From time to time I used to imagine that we would break up and naturally cry several buckets. Every time I've come close to breaking up, I can see what a mess I'll be if it happens and know that the preemptive mourning will help me not lose it altogether.
Confused and rambling? Always!
In other news, yesterday was 59 months and mid-April will be 5 years. 5 whole years. One of those 'questions' emails recently asked whether I've ever loved someone so much that I cried. Everybody I sent it to that replied said yes. I can't wrap my head around that. I love you so much that I cry? I've loved several people and dogs so much that things they do or their mortality made and makes me cry, but not just that I love them so much. I guess I've never been moved by the enormity of the emotion. I've always believed that love is overwhelming and overpowering. You're supposed to be awestruck by what you feel. And once you expect that, you won't be taken by surprise and won't be moved to tears.
Or maybe it's just me. When my dog was quite young... like 5 years old or so, I would cry because I knew that one day he would die. It helped then that he was still alive and I could be nice to him. Looking back, I'm glad that I mourned a bit when he was alive becase I wasn't around when he died. My absence is not something I'll be able to forgive myself for, but I'm very philosophical that way. It's past and nothing I can do can change that. Even then, there was nothing I could do. I could have booked tickets to return earlier but when I booked my tickets he was fine. And he died the day before I returned. The irony always upsets me, but as I said, nothing can/could be done.
Similarly with SO. From time to time I used to imagine that we would break up and naturally cry several buckets. Every time I've come close to breaking up, I can see what a mess I'll be if it happens and know that the preemptive mourning will help me not lose it altogether.
Confused and rambling? Always!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
:D
My cousin is pregnant!! She's a year younger than me and has recently got married for the second time and is pregnant! :) She'll become a mother by the end of this year.
What did I tell you about the baby boom? Is it my turn now?
What did I tell you about the baby boom? Is it my turn now?
Sorry?
Is it strange that the world is just chugging along? There have been bomb blasts in what is one of Hinduism's most sacred spots and my colleagues and I didn't even discuss it at lunch. Shortly after 9/11 I was fascinated by how paranoid Americans had become. A majority believed that being in a public space might expose them to a terrorist attack.
In India, we have bomb blasts every day. True they're mostly in areas known to have insurgent activity but there are actually lives lost to violence every day. When did this stop affecting us? How come it doesn't afect me at all? Is it cause human life is fairly cheap in India? How is it that violence doesn't shock? Isn't that a warning sign? Shouldn't we be concerned that we're all able to shrug off terrorist acts and death... just?
I just read a live jounal maintained by a guy who was my classmate for 1 year. Somewhat a friend... about ten years ago. He'd written about the Babri Masjid demolition. Earlier this week, a panel concluded that the fire that sparked off the Gujarat riots was accidental. Did any of us really feel that the Babri Masjid demolitions and the riots in Gujarat or any communal riots were justified?
When people that we all know, reasonable, sane people, argue that the policies of the government are 'appeasing' in nature, what do we do? Does the majority owe a duty to the minority? I believe we do. In any society, the laws and policies should attempt to protect the weakest, because they can't protect themselves. Call it a colonial hangover, but where an underdog is left to fend for itself 'it's just not cricket.' So where does that leave us?
As a country, India is not really multiracial though we would like to be able to discriminate on this ground as it appears more legitimate than a pure colour test. What we are is multi-cultural and... I guess heterogenous is the word I'm looking for. Hindus from one part of India may have very little from Hindus in another, except that they may be from the same caste. I guess what I'm trying to do is identify why we're able and willing to discriminate against Muslims. Are they so obviously different?
You could argue that all Muslims dress alike but then... so do most Indian Hindus. So do most Chinese. In advanced Muslim countries, western clothes are as popular as they are in Western countries. So dress cannot be the reason. What then?
I don't have an answer. Muslims are ... Muslims. They're not Hindus but they're Indians. Strangely enough I had this discussion with a friend of mine in Singapore. Of late, Singaporean Muslims have adopted styles of dress that are... odd for the climate. Her explanation was that people are generally worried because no other religion owes it's allegiance to a specific region. Hindus in the US don't claim that they will support all Indian causes. But would many Muslims in India (free of any fear of retribution for an honest reply) answer that they're not Indian?
If they would, the problem is much much larger. If they wouldn't, then are policies that promote their welfare wrong? The examples cited to me were grants for poor Muslims to go on the Haj. Why don't poor Hindus get such grants? Becuase their politicians don't care. I met a Hindu lady corporator once who explained that her ward contained Muslim slums but they're supportive and she's managed to work with them and improve the conditions they live in. So basically, if your politician cares about your real problems, religion cannot be an issue.
I've rambled on a lot, I know. I'm stunned at my own apathy about the blasts and quite worried that there will be a backlash of a horrific nature. All we need is for some report to be released claiming it's the work of Islamic terrorists and some short-wearing, lathi-weilding hysteria. I'm hoping though, that enough people will be able to tell the overgrown schoolboys where to shove it.
In India, we have bomb blasts every day. True they're mostly in areas known to have insurgent activity but there are actually lives lost to violence every day. When did this stop affecting us? How come it doesn't afect me at all? Is it cause human life is fairly cheap in India? How is it that violence doesn't shock? Isn't that a warning sign? Shouldn't we be concerned that we're all able to shrug off terrorist acts and death... just?
I just read a live jounal maintained by a guy who was my classmate for 1 year. Somewhat a friend... about ten years ago. He'd written about the Babri Masjid demolition. Earlier this week, a panel concluded that the fire that sparked off the Gujarat riots was accidental. Did any of us really feel that the Babri Masjid demolitions and the riots in Gujarat or any communal riots were justified?
When people that we all know, reasonable, sane people, argue that the policies of the government are 'appeasing' in nature, what do we do? Does the majority owe a duty to the minority? I believe we do. In any society, the laws and policies should attempt to protect the weakest, because they can't protect themselves. Call it a colonial hangover, but where an underdog is left to fend for itself 'it's just not cricket.' So where does that leave us?
As a country, India is not really multiracial though we would like to be able to discriminate on this ground as it appears more legitimate than a pure colour test. What we are is multi-cultural and... I guess heterogenous is the word I'm looking for. Hindus from one part of India may have very little from Hindus in another, except that they may be from the same caste. I guess what I'm trying to do is identify why we're able and willing to discriminate against Muslims. Are they so obviously different?
You could argue that all Muslims dress alike but then... so do most Indian Hindus. So do most Chinese. In advanced Muslim countries, western clothes are as popular as they are in Western countries. So dress cannot be the reason. What then?
I don't have an answer. Muslims are ... Muslims. They're not Hindus but they're Indians. Strangely enough I had this discussion with a friend of mine in Singapore. Of late, Singaporean Muslims have adopted styles of dress that are... odd for the climate. Her explanation was that people are generally worried because no other religion owes it's allegiance to a specific region. Hindus in the US don't claim that they will support all Indian causes. But would many Muslims in India (free of any fear of retribution for an honest reply) answer that they're not Indian?
If they would, the problem is much much larger. If they wouldn't, then are policies that promote their welfare wrong? The examples cited to me were grants for poor Muslims to go on the Haj. Why don't poor Hindus get such grants? Becuase their politicians don't care. I met a Hindu lady corporator once who explained that her ward contained Muslim slums but they're supportive and she's managed to work with them and improve the conditions they live in. So basically, if your politician cares about your real problems, religion cannot be an issue.
I've rambled on a lot, I know. I'm stunned at my own apathy about the blasts and quite worried that there will be a backlash of a horrific nature. All we need is for some report to be released claiming it's the work of Islamic terrorists and some short-wearing, lathi-weilding hysteria. I'm hoping though, that enough people will be able to tell the overgrown schoolboys where to shove it.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Baby Boom?
As I knew he would, SO read the last post. I fought with him the day before I blogged, about the same stuff. How was he to know that it didn't go away but hung around in cyberspace. I'm sorry dear. I know it upset you.
I wish I could say it's all hunky dory now and we're shiningly happy. We're happy. I'm quite happy, but I won't' be completely happy till we're together. And even then... it'll take a while to get used to being together again.
This year is baby filled in my life. A cousin of mine had a baby last week, a colleague of mine the week before that. Another colleague has announced that he's going to be a father in September this year. If I cared to think about it... I'm almost certain that a number of children are born in the vicinity of 9 months from their parents' wedding anniversary. But let's not speculate too much :)
Again I got to thinking about how I'd like to have a kid and that even if I do it'll be only 4 years from now. I'll be 33 at the very least. By the time my kid is old enough to learn to cycle, I may not have the energy to keep up. One could go into whether it's fair to have a kid under those circumstances but one won't. One will say that there are several children in this world already and by the time one is financially and socially ready to have a child, one will consider the mode.
SO, one is very sorry :)
I wish I could say it's all hunky dory now and we're shiningly happy. We're happy. I'm quite happy, but I won't' be completely happy till we're together. And even then... it'll take a while to get used to being together again.
This year is baby filled in my life. A cousin of mine had a baby last week, a colleague of mine the week before that. Another colleague has announced that he's going to be a father in September this year. If I cared to think about it... I'm almost certain that a number of children are born in the vicinity of 9 months from their parents' wedding anniversary. But let's not speculate too much :)
Again I got to thinking about how I'd like to have a kid and that even if I do it'll be only 4 years from now. I'll be 33 at the very least. By the time my kid is old enough to learn to cycle, I may not have the energy to keep up. One could go into whether it's fair to have a kid under those circumstances but one won't. One will say that there are several children in this world already and by the time one is financially and socially ready to have a child, one will consider the mode.
SO, one is very sorry :)
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Of Swollen Eyes and Lingering Sighs
One of the perils of a long distance relationship is that one doesn't get enough sleep. This week, for the most part I've been sleep deprived and not cause of the relationshp. I think it's a change of weather. It's getting hotter and for some reason, that's been throwing my sleep off. So though I'm in bed for about 7 hours, I just don't feel I've slept enough.
This morning it was an immense struggle to get myself out of bed and into the world. Since my commute to work is roughly an hour in the morning, I sleep on the bus as well. I got off the bus and met a colleague of mine who though I've got a really bad cold cause my eyes are swollen :)
Well I do have a cold... but nowhere near that bad.
Another weekend approaches and I'm not very sure what I want to do. Last weekend (and the one before that) I wanted to go out very badly. Just to hang out in some public space and soak in the world. My workmates though, didn't have any plans, my friends... I met on Saturday night and had quite a good time actually. But somehow it wasn't enough.
Lately it seems like nothing is enough. My work's going well but my house isn't clean enough, I don't cook enough, I don't spend enough time with family, I don't save enough... I guess the list could go on forever. Basically I'm feeling unfulfilled and I'm not sure why. Is it a lack of exercise or hobbies? Is it a lack of anything outside work and house? But that's not true. I do watch movies and read books. I do have several friends and read the newspaper and stuff.
Maybe it's that my world is closing in around me. My world is finally, just me. I've thought about this before and known that I don't really have the skills to deal with this. When I just have to think about myself, I become fairly selfish. That doesn't leave much room for anybody else in my space except as guests. That visit for a limited duration and leave. They can impose on my personal space but it's clear that they're imposing. Before this, SO was also a part of my personal space. In fact, it was our space. Now, no longer. I did know this would happen, subconsiously. Known it since I started working and earning and doing up the house the way I want. Considering it's my house and I'm the only one that's going to live in it for a while longer, it's only fair. But then my personality includes this space. And I find it difficult to have another personality in the same space. Does this make sense? Guests don't impose their personalities on the house. They visit, maybe admire, and leave. SO would definitely do more than that. I didn't think it would be so hard for me. For a year I shared spaces with other people but I guess it was different. While I shared a flat, my room was mine alone. When I shared my friend's flat (without paying rent) even if I didn't appreciate the arrangement, I did nothing cause it wasn't mine. I'm not sure how I'll react if SO wants to change something or move something around.
Though, to be fair to him, it's not like he wants to do anything to the space. He may suggest other arrangements and stuff but that's not the area of concern. It's that firtly the space will be shared and no longer just mine, and secondly... his quirks. I guess over time I've forgotten how to adjust to quirks. When he visited me, it was nice exept for when I got irritated by the quirks. I know it's my fault. He is who he is and I've to accept that. I guess what freaks me out the most is that I won't want to accept the quirks.
I remember telling him sometime last year to marry me as soon as possible as I may not want to get married later. As time goes by this possibility grows stronger. Its not that I don't want to get married at all, just that I've forgotten what it was like when we were together or why I was anxious to get married to him in the first place. Sure it would be nice to have him around but I'm forgetting how to talk to him and how to be with him. Is it my fault? Definitely. I live in the here and now. I guess I've always know that distance is difficult for me but I've no real idea of what to do. The situation that exists now has to continue for another year and a half. How do I keep myself 'engaged' for this time? What if I can't?
At least now I know why I have lingering sighs...
This morning it was an immense struggle to get myself out of bed and into the world. Since my commute to work is roughly an hour in the morning, I sleep on the bus as well. I got off the bus and met a colleague of mine who though I've got a really bad cold cause my eyes are swollen :)
Well I do have a cold... but nowhere near that bad.
Another weekend approaches and I'm not very sure what I want to do. Last weekend (and the one before that) I wanted to go out very badly. Just to hang out in some public space and soak in the world. My workmates though, didn't have any plans, my friends... I met on Saturday night and had quite a good time actually. But somehow it wasn't enough.
Lately it seems like nothing is enough. My work's going well but my house isn't clean enough, I don't cook enough, I don't spend enough time with family, I don't save enough... I guess the list could go on forever. Basically I'm feeling unfulfilled and I'm not sure why. Is it a lack of exercise or hobbies? Is it a lack of anything outside work and house? But that's not true. I do watch movies and read books. I do have several friends and read the newspaper and stuff.
Maybe it's that my world is closing in around me. My world is finally, just me. I've thought about this before and known that I don't really have the skills to deal with this. When I just have to think about myself, I become fairly selfish. That doesn't leave much room for anybody else in my space except as guests. That visit for a limited duration and leave. They can impose on my personal space but it's clear that they're imposing. Before this, SO was also a part of my personal space. In fact, it was our space. Now, no longer. I did know this would happen, subconsiously. Known it since I started working and earning and doing up the house the way I want. Considering it's my house and I'm the only one that's going to live in it for a while longer, it's only fair. But then my personality includes this space. And I find it difficult to have another personality in the same space. Does this make sense? Guests don't impose their personalities on the house. They visit, maybe admire, and leave. SO would definitely do more than that. I didn't think it would be so hard for me. For a year I shared spaces with other people but I guess it was different. While I shared a flat, my room was mine alone. When I shared my friend's flat (without paying rent) even if I didn't appreciate the arrangement, I did nothing cause it wasn't mine. I'm not sure how I'll react if SO wants to change something or move something around.
Though, to be fair to him, it's not like he wants to do anything to the space. He may suggest other arrangements and stuff but that's not the area of concern. It's that firtly the space will be shared and no longer just mine, and secondly... his quirks. I guess over time I've forgotten how to adjust to quirks. When he visited me, it was nice exept for when I got irritated by the quirks. I know it's my fault. He is who he is and I've to accept that. I guess what freaks me out the most is that I won't want to accept the quirks.
I remember telling him sometime last year to marry me as soon as possible as I may not want to get married later. As time goes by this possibility grows stronger. Its not that I don't want to get married at all, just that I've forgotten what it was like when we were together or why I was anxious to get married to him in the first place. Sure it would be nice to have him around but I'm forgetting how to talk to him and how to be with him. Is it my fault? Definitely. I live in the here and now. I guess I've always know that distance is difficult for me but I've no real idea of what to do. The situation that exists now has to continue for another year and a half. How do I keep myself 'engaged' for this time? What if I can't?
At least now I know why I have lingering sighs...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Who's yer daddy?
Have you ever felt let down by the blogs you read because they're not updated too frequently? I've always known that I'm voyeuristic and blogs are a wonderful way to satisfy my need to probe into other people's lives. Yet from time to time they clam up, or do nothing exciting or say nothing interesting. Is this fair? As bloggers who know they have visitors and blurkers... how dare they?
:) Fortunately I have no such pressures personally but am generally a bit bored. There's something about having work and knowing that you will and can do it... and just not wanting to. Maybe it's just chronic laziness in my case. I like my work, some parts of it are even interesting and yet there's the need to procrastinate. Notice that I call it a need, not an urge. I'm too far gone! Help!!
:) Fortunately I have no such pressures personally but am generally a bit bored. There's something about having work and knowing that you will and can do it... and just not wanting to. Maybe it's just chronic laziness in my case. I like my work, some parts of it are even interesting and yet there's the need to procrastinate. Notice that I call it a need, not an urge. I'm too far gone! Help!!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
What was that again?
I wanted to post but I'm not sure why. There was some amount of restlessness. Thoughts that just wanted to get out and weren't finding suitable expression. I logged in and opened this page but then got down to work (which I was avoiding by planning to post) and forgot :)
Maybe that's what I was looking for, a distraction to remind me of why I'm here.
Maybe that's what I was looking for, a distraction to remind me of why I'm here.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Life and Times
The past two weeks have been... interesting. Last week this time SO was with me and I had a car. Today I have neither. It's weird to go from a long distance relationship to a normal relationship back to a distance thing. I'm sure I didn't make it easy for poor SO fighting with him yesterday. The issues with living alone and then actually trying to share my life and work.
Before this, I lived with other people but didn't share any of my work except cooking. We would each do our own washing and ironing and folding and such like. So there were no questions of things not being done the way I like them. I guess overall 2005 was just hard. I was very angry with him for the most part of it. I'm still a bit angry with him but much less now. Hopefully he'll make it to my city for 2 months at a strech later (as is presently planned).
I always believed that I'd want to share my life with someone. That's still true but I've learnt about myself that it's a very 'here and now' sharing. If I want you around and you're not, there's a price to be paid. Of course, this only happens with SO, with my other friends I'm absolutely fine. Maybe it's been so long since I've been with SO that I've forgotten that I was always like that with him. Or maybe I'm just nuts.
Before this, I lived with other people but didn't share any of my work except cooking. We would each do our own washing and ironing and folding and such like. So there were no questions of things not being done the way I like them. I guess overall 2005 was just hard. I was very angry with him for the most part of it. I'm still a bit angry with him but much less now. Hopefully he'll make it to my city for 2 months at a strech later (as is presently planned).
I always believed that I'd want to share my life with someone. That's still true but I've learnt about myself that it's a very 'here and now' sharing. If I want you around and you're not, there's a price to be paid. Of course, this only happens with SO, with my other friends I'm absolutely fine. Maybe it's been so long since I've been with SO that I've forgotten that I was always like that with him. Or maybe I'm just nuts.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Every So Often
This week has been rather bad because of two late nights punctuated by strange hypocrisy. The weekend before was a bit worse because I spent a lot of money on sub-standard beautification treatments and missed out on meeting the family on a whole. Just as I was mentally making a list of things to be done this weekend, I got an email from my mother about how my parents only get to see me once a month. And work is sitting around because I'm very tired and sleepy so I decided to get it all out of my system.
Things to do:
1. Meet grandmother.
2. Call uncle in Madras.
3. Meet parents.
4. File Tax Returns for last year.
5. Finish the process for fellowship which was completed in August 2005.
6. Clean parts of house.
7. Wash clothes (in machine).
8. Practice saxophone.
9. Wash vessels.
10. Continue knitting sweater.
11. Buy vegetables.
12. Cook.
13. Iron.
It doesn't seem so bad but this is what needs to be done outside work and therefore can only be done on weekends. Also, on weekends I need to catch up on the sleep I miss during the week. So on an average I manage to do 6, 7, 9, 11, 12 and 13. Then if I meet a friend or two, the weekend's gone and I've not met family at all. And my parents stay in the middle of nowhere off some really terrible road. And they fight so much and are so generally depressing that when I do see them I just get more depressed. Do I dare tell them that? Not a chance in hell. When SO's around, it's much easier cause he's nice to them and I can relax a bit.
I guess it's all about perspective. I can't keep everybody happy and I have admitted that to myself. Currently my parents are well and able to take care of themselves. I do feel guilty but as their child, I don't believe it's my responsiblity to see that they are entertained. Currently I've to build my own life and future. I guess I can explain myself to anybody else but my parents. I'm not the most affectionate child but I'd like to believe that I'm dutiful. Then from time to time I slip up on the duties and feel bad.
I'd love to be one of those super organised people who can make timetables and stick to them thoroughly. I would love to be able to schedule my life and frankly, there is a rough schedule. Wake up, come to work, work, go home, eat, sleep. I guess I believe in broad flexible patterns rather than rigid micro-management.
Fortunately next week is very relaxed cause I've 2 days off at the end of the week and I've taken Wednesday off as SO will be here. this means that this weekend will be a little more chilled on the cooking and cleaning and ironing front. Besides there won't be any friend meetings so parents or at least grand mother should feature. And hopefully I'll get 4 and 5 done as well.
Things to do:
1. Meet grandmother.
2. Call uncle in Madras.
3. Meet parents.
4. File Tax Returns for last year.
5. Finish the process for fellowship which was completed in August 2005.
6. Clean parts of house.
7. Wash clothes (in machine).
8. Practice saxophone.
9. Wash vessels.
10. Continue knitting sweater.
11. Buy vegetables.
12. Cook.
13. Iron.
It doesn't seem so bad but this is what needs to be done outside work and therefore can only be done on weekends. Also, on weekends I need to catch up on the sleep I miss during the week. So on an average I manage to do 6, 7, 9, 11, 12 and 13. Then if I meet a friend or two, the weekend's gone and I've not met family at all. And my parents stay in the middle of nowhere off some really terrible road. And they fight so much and are so generally depressing that when I do see them I just get more depressed. Do I dare tell them that? Not a chance in hell. When SO's around, it's much easier cause he's nice to them and I can relax a bit.
I guess it's all about perspective. I can't keep everybody happy and I have admitted that to myself. Currently my parents are well and able to take care of themselves. I do feel guilty but as their child, I don't believe it's my responsiblity to see that they are entertained. Currently I've to build my own life and future. I guess I can explain myself to anybody else but my parents. I'm not the most affectionate child but I'd like to believe that I'm dutiful. Then from time to time I slip up on the duties and feel bad.
I'd love to be one of those super organised people who can make timetables and stick to them thoroughly. I would love to be able to schedule my life and frankly, there is a rough schedule. Wake up, come to work, work, go home, eat, sleep. I guess I believe in broad flexible patterns rather than rigid micro-management.
Fortunately next week is very relaxed cause I've 2 days off at the end of the week and I've taken Wednesday off as SO will be here. this means that this weekend will be a little more chilled on the cooking and cleaning and ironing front. Besides there won't be any friend meetings so parents or at least grand mother should feature. And hopefully I'll get 4 and 5 done as well.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Happy New Year!!
And here we are, in the early stages of another year. Just as we were, one year ago. A whole year of opportunities, many of which will go unnoticed, some of which will be wasted, and the rest of which, hopefully, will be made the most of.
Last year had its fair share of those for me. Job opportunities that I didn't look for, job opportunities which weren't properly followed up... and general life type things. The year itself was great. I did a lot of stuff that I'd never have done at home, watch an F1 race and see Sting live. Now, I feel that I want to visit on F1 race a year.
Personally the year was rather messy but seems to have resolved itself. In all these years, there's never been one in which I knew I would not get married. When I was younger it wasn't a formed thought. I didn't think at the start of the year that I won't be married this year. As I look back I realise that most of those years I didn't want to get married. But from 2003 I've been wanting to get formally engaged and married. I hoped that 2004 would be the year but when it didn't seem like it I went to study. Then I hoped 2005 would be the year and it was quite traumatic that it wasn't. I know right now that 2006 will definitely not be the year and... it feels quite fine.
It appears that 2006 will be the year of me. I get to do exactly what I want, when I want and not worry about much else. Naturally all this 'my way' will be tempered by my job, but personally, there's nothing I'm working towards. Is that good? I sure hope so :)
Last year had its fair share of those for me. Job opportunities that I didn't look for, job opportunities which weren't properly followed up... and general life type things. The year itself was great. I did a lot of stuff that I'd never have done at home, watch an F1 race and see Sting live. Now, I feel that I want to visit on F1 race a year.
Personally the year was rather messy but seems to have resolved itself. In all these years, there's never been one in which I knew I would not get married. When I was younger it wasn't a formed thought. I didn't think at the start of the year that I won't be married this year. As I look back I realise that most of those years I didn't want to get married. But from 2003 I've been wanting to get formally engaged and married. I hoped that 2004 would be the year but when it didn't seem like it I went to study. Then I hoped 2005 would be the year and it was quite traumatic that it wasn't. I know right now that 2006 will definitely not be the year and... it feels quite fine.
It appears that 2006 will be the year of me. I get to do exactly what I want, when I want and not worry about much else. Naturally all this 'my way' will be tempered by my job, but personally, there's nothing I'm working towards. Is that good? I sure hope so :)
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