To anybody who's seen Dude Where's My Car, a very recognisable line. But frankly, it could be the main line of my life. Is this all there is to it? Is there no glory to my days? Do I want glory? All glorious lives have oodles of drama and pain. Suffering, rising above odds, that sort of thing. My thougths just run together and run on and on. Where's the suffering? Where are the overwhelming odds? Maybe I have complex... there's probably a term for it as well. Only those who've truly suffered deserve to succeed. Something Christian there I believe. I remember when I was a child we saw this movie in school (a convent school in case you hadn't already guessed). It was about this nun in a convent who saw visions of Mary smiling at her. Another nun in the convent was very upset that she, who prayed hard and did more penance did not see the visions. Why, she asked, did the other nun deserve this honour? At some later point a doctor informed this second nun that the first nun had a degenerative and very painful hip condition which meant she would soon not be able to walk. The second nun was mortified because nobody knew that the first nun was so afflicted, she bore it all without a trace of discomfort. To make up for her jealousy and to serve the lord better, she took to carrying the first nun once she could no longer walk.
In short, to earn a glimpse of heaven, you need to be in more pain and agony than your fellow people. And am I? Somebody once said that creative souls are oversensitive. Maybe that's my excuse. I'm creative :) Cause I certainly am oversensitive. But will it ever amount to anything?
I'll do my job, I'll proceed with my life. Hopefully I'll acquire new skills along the way and keep learning some more about life and people in general but somehow, I miss the creative life. I want to write, I want to express but it gets harder. Sometimes because I don't have time and sometimes because it would be hurtful to others. Does it count? Can you explain to friends and family that though you made their pain public, you provided insight... and others love it. Is that good enough? Can I claim that I'm an artist and therefore a free spirit? That I should be free to follow my fancies? Can't one be a responsible artist?...
I guess everybody has questions and is looking for answers. I've my own questions and sometimes I find answers. Every so often I wonder what's better... to renounce all responsibility and abandon myself to life completely, or to be ... well, adult. To think things through and decide about a course of action based on the action and the possible consequences. Boring what?
1 comment:
Boring - Nyet.
I don't think you've ever written anything which cannot be interpretted in the way you put it. Yes, its hard to swallow for friends and family at times, but write you must. Its you, and your literary talents ooze so well for you.
At times its better to leave some "adult" decisions to others.
Post a Comment