Just for Posterity

I'll forget that this happened in a few days, or weeks, or maybe years, but it has me upset enough that I want to write about it. Our house has a utility area leading off from the kitchen, where we keep our washing machine. This area has a loft, and as long as we've been here, there have been pigeons. We have some plastic blinds for the opening, which are usually pulled up, so we have sun coming in. The blinds have a cord, which we try to keep neat.

Today, a bird got caught in the cord. They've flown into the cord before, but they've unentangled themselves and gone on with their lives. Today's bird got it's wing caught, struggled, got more entangled and was trapped, in the cord, hanging off the side of the building. I was at home and heard some fluttering, but didn't pay any attention. God knows how many hours later, somebody rang my doorbell and asked if we had kept a bird tied up. That's when I realised what had happened.

I hoped the bird wouldn't choke, which it didn't, but then I had to unwrap the cord. I thought of cutting the cord, but didn't want to let go of the bird. I unentangled it after some effort and am still scarred. The bird flew away, and is slightly injured, but maybe not lastingly. It left some blood on the cord, but it didn't peck me at all when I was struggling with it. I hung on to it's legs and was quite afraid that it would try to attack me, but it didn't.

I thought I was fine after this, but I'm still crying. Not because I had to free it, but because it was stuck like this, trapped and afraid for got knows how long. I don't know why I'm so upset by this, but I am. Stupid bird!

Progress

I know I've had views on in-laws, specifically mothers-in-law, those views haven't changed. but having belonged to another family for nearly 4 years now, I notice that they also make efforts for me (including my mother-in-law) and that makes me fonder of them than before.

My mother-in-law has been difficult for me to handle because her personality is bossy and shrill. She's got a heart of gold, she means well and loves her family greatly, but her perspective on life is quite different from mine. She loves to talk and cook, and while I love to talk, I can't talk to her about much stuff that interests me and I'm an indifferent cook. She's tried to bond with me I think, but has met disinterest and maybe even aloofness. I've never been rude to her, but it's probably safe to assume that she knows I'm not 'fond' of her. This time though, I noticed that she eased up on the talking at points as it was getting to me. I was also allowed to participate in the cooking (a first!) so maybe we're making progress!

An Anniversary

Of sorts. Today (20th April) 10 years ago, SO and I 'hooked up' I guess? We met each other in December 2000, met each other again in March 2001 and spent a good amount of time chatting (MSN)and on 20th April, spent some exclusive time together and clarified our attraction to each other.

Since then it's been a long roller-coaster of a journey and here we are. 10 years later, married, co-owners of a house, co-signatories on a loan. Our lives are now more mingled than they were then (obviously) but I'm not so sure about our selves.

On Display

http://www.gettyimages.com/Search/Search.aspx?contractUrl=2&language=en-US&family=editorial&assetType=image&ep=3&p=mallika+garden

I used to think Mallika Sherawat was pretty and that she had a decent body. She, however, seems certain that her breasts are her main asset. She showcases them and flaunts them consistently. What's the point I say!

Hobbies

I'd like to think I have hobbies, but apart from reading, I don't really have any firm ones. I embroider a bit (but have started only giant projects, so haven't finished any), I knit, I own a digital camera and have taken some good pictures, but haven't taken any in a while, etc.

Beginning recently and taking a serious step forward today, SO and I have begun a new hobby, gardening. Our mothers are avid gardeners (which made me somewhat averse to it) and I was sure I had a brown thumb (after killing a couple of plants in my youth) so I'm not sure how this one will go. We were gifted a plant in September (house-warming) and we bought 3 on the weekend (2 Jasmines and one Marigold) and we bought some pots and did some re-potting today. It's a strangely fulfilling thing, to see pots holding green plants and not leaking (though the sides are damp). I'm hoping that these will live (if not flourish) and we'll get braver and move to more plants.

What's Right for You

Might just be the death of me.

I went to visit relatives this weekend, just so I have the rest of the year free to travel for myself. The relatives in question being my father's brother and his sons. His sons, both older than me (one by 14 years or so, and the other by 4 years) have daughters who are 3 years old. The older one had them with help.

I've made no secret about the fact that I'd like to have children, but that's on this blog. My space, a space that my family knows nothing about. My parents, for instance, have no idea what I want and have been told to mind their own business. However, that's not what parents do. And I know that my father expresses his angst about this to his brother and his niece (aforementioned older cousin's wife). As she had help, she suggested that I meet her doctor.

I agreed, expecting a general chat about what infertility means and what options are. That's not what I got. Added to that was the feeling that my cousin-in-law now has, that I've agreed to start on the process of treatment for infertility. Which I certainly have not done. I want to know if my insides are working fine and the same for SO. If they're not, then we'll evaluate options. If they are working fine, then we have nothing to do but keep trying, right?

Well right or wrong, the whole process depressed me. I'm not sure I want to be 'treated' for infertility. If SO and I cannot get pregnant, then I'm fine to adopt. I do not need to have a biological connection with a baby to raise it. Parts of what depressed me are the hopes of my father and uncle, and maybe of SO's family as well, though they do not say anything. I know they'd like for us to have children, and if we cannot... maybe it'll break their dreams? Yesterday, I felt the weight of this responsibility. Today, I'm refusing to. Today I'm even willing to tell my own father that I'm not going to put myself and my marriage through the stresses of infertility investigation so that his bloodline lives on. Sounds cruel I know, but surely my life and choices cannot be held hostage to his dreams?

Choices

I have two blogs and the other one is about weight loss. I've struggled with my weight through life. When I was a teenager, I wasn't fat, but was convinced I was as I had a paunch. As a result, when I got fat, I didn't realise for quite a while. Then I lost some weight with healthy living and exercise, but gained it back and then some more in a couple of years. Over the past 2-3 years, I've lost a bit then gained more back at least once a year.

This year, I made a pact with a friend that we would both exercise and eat right, and help each other. Email is a great help as we mail each other twice or so a day, with updates on food and exercise and just telling someone else has made it easier for me to eat right. And eat smaller portions.

It's been nearly 2 months now and I've lost weight and fat. Every year, I'd hold the flab and feel I was wearing a fat suit, which I wanted to unzip and step out of. Now, the fat suit is almost off and I feel great!

I've been able to eat smaller meals, so now eat 4 meals a day, but have not had to slow down on any of my daily activities and have been able to add 30 minutes of exercise a day, which doesn't bore me and has made a tremendous difference!

Ultimately, it's about choices. You can choose to eat healthy, you can choose to exercise etc. You can also choose to give yourself a day off for good behavior.

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up so that nobody else could tell me what to do. Now that I'm grown up, I find that I want to do all the things that I was 'told' to do while growing up. That's not bad :)

I also realised yesterday that the answer to 'What is all this about' is that life is a series of experience-fruit that you get to squeeze the juice out of. There are only 3 rules:

1. Stay sane;
2. Stay healthy;
3. Have fun.

And the older you grow, you even get to pick your own fruit, from anywhere in the world! How awesome is that?

Furious

I'm very angry right now, with a cousin. She's in her second marriage with 2 children, knew the guy months before she got pregnant with the first child. They're in the middle of their second separation and she just sent him a long mail about what she wants/needs and how she doesn't think she's going to get it from him, and if so maybe they should see a lawyer. I'm BCC'd on this mail because of the 'lawyer' bit I think, to let me know that we might need to call on the lawyer again. I went with her the first time.

That's not why I'm furious, I'm sad that it seems like the marriage has no hope. I'm furious because she chose to copy my on this mail, presumably to let me know where things stand and incidentally to let me hear 'her side'. I'm not in the least bit interested in 'her side' or indeed 'his side'. I've reached the stage where I know that marriages have a lot of 'he said, she said' and the only real issues are violence, cruelty, insane jealousy etc.

How do I know this? Because I've been in a relationship for nearly 10 years and know that we have enough 'he said she said' of our own. Each of us could claim that the other has been violent, dismissive, horrible, vicious, etc., and it would all be true. I have lost my temper, SO has lost his temper, I've been lazy, he's been bored, whatever! These are not reasons to call it quits on a marriage! If your friend was like this, would you immediately stop talking to them? Your parents? Your colleagues?

Then why do we expect more from a marriage when we put in less? If we're consistently more courteous, gentle, punctual, responsible, cheerful, etc. to people we work with than our spouse, why would we expect our marriage to be better than our relationship with our colleagues? Because we have sex with our spouse?

Added to this strange expectation, is a list that she has of what she expects and what she will do. She expects unconditional love and devotion and will apparently give the same. Clearly she's not willing to give unconditional love and devotion as she expects it first, and who's to say that her husband isn't waiting for exactly the same? So now is it a case of chicken? Who blink first?

Maybe I'm most furious because the past few months with SO haven't been the bestest. We're great companions, we enjoy food, we enjoy a certain type of comedy but of late there have been stresses. Anyway, I've been contemplating the future myself, and not in a very happy way. There have been days when I've been very close to calling it quits but 10 years of being together, building bonds with each other and each other's families etc., means that it's not a simple up and leave scenario. Even though I think I could be well justified. Suffice it to say, it's not something that I'm going to do, and maybe what's upsetting me the most is that she can up and leave so easily with children.

Is it a systematic severing of ties? Slowly you cut yourself off from his friends and family, and then from him, so there's no strings left attaching you to him or his, except the children that you share?

Why am I compelled to write about it? Because the tone of her mail is that she's making a reasonable request that it's totally within his power to grant, and if he chooses not to grant it, then nobody can blame her for not having tried. And as a viewer of this email, I want to point out to her that there's nothing reasonable about her request and that he would never be able to grant it, even if he wanted. Which means, she's writing the death warrant for this relationship, but she's forcing him to sign it.

Love Is

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Rashomon

I'd heard of this story in concept in my mid teens; when I was 16 to be precise. The idea of 4 people who each have different versions of what happened. I bought a VCD some time ago and finally watched it maybe 3 weeks ago on a lazy rainy weekend. SO was bored silly, it's not an action movie, nor is there much dialogue. But here's the thing.

Anybody who reads this probably has already read the plot summary on Wikipedia so I'm not spoiling anything I hope? The fact is that a man is dead, and there is an enquiry on how he died. There are 3 people involved, the dead man, his wife and a bandit. Each of whom has a version. Interestingly, all versions involve admitting guilt, and yet, they're contradictory. So the bandit says he killed the man, the wife says she killed the man and the dead man says it was suicide. There's a by-stander who says that the bandit killed the man.

As a lay human being, who knows she's watching a movie, I can say it doesn't matter. All the people involved agree that the man is dead and that a bandit had sex with his wife. How does it matter who killed him or why?

But as a part of society, if this were to really happen, there are several decisions which would become very difficult. For instance, if it was suicide, then nobody else needs to be punished, except if the sex was a rape. If it wasn't suicide and the wife killed him in a fit of rage (after having been raped by the bandit and insulted by her husband), then it's not premeditated murder and she might be able to claim temporary insanity due to rage. If the bandit killed him in a duel for the woman, then it's still not premeditated murder, but the wife is also guilty for having urged the bandit on.

In each of these scenarios, the 'truth' is only the judge believing one person's version of events, or looking at the versions that corroborate each other the most. In this case, the story itself does not allow for much corroboration around the killing or indeed the reason for the killing.

So... what would we do in a civil society? Who would we punish and for what? This is the question that Rashomon leaves me with.

That's the Man

I want...

I want a man who knows that at the end of a difficult day/week, I want to be cuddled. Properly cuddled, to have him wrap himself around me so the only thing I can hear is his heartbeat and breathing and the rest of the world recedes away into silence.

The voices that clamour daily about how I need to do stuff are silent, the voices in my head telling me I'm not doing enough are silent. The voices that tell me that it's all going to hell are silent. And I can only hear him, as he tells me that it will all be ok. And I believe him.

I want a man who knows how to love. Who knows that sex is one part of it, the release of a specific tension, like eating for hunger, but that making love is much more. An expression of an emotion, a very special emotion, that needs special expression. Who is willing to take the time it takes to let me feel his love. Who appreciates that I start things up, that I keep things going, that I do what I do, to show him my love. That sometimes it's hunger, but sometimes it IS love. And when it's rejected, it hurts the love.

But hey, everybody wants stuff...

Another Something

I use this blog sometimes as a personal dumping ground, for thoughts and notes that I want to keep around me. This is another one of those, like Rudyard Kipling's 'If'. It's about men, but this is what I aspire to be - a thinking human being:

"The mark of the man of the world is absence of pretension. He does not make a speech; he takes a low business-tone, avoids all brag, is nobody, dresses plainly, promises not at all, performs much, speaks in monosyllables, hugs his fact. He calls his employment by its lowest name, and so takes from evil tongues their sharpest weapon. His conversation clings to the weather and the news, yet he allows himself to be surprised into thought, and the unlocking of his learning and philosophy." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Take Your Breath Away

I'm not young anymore,
Except in my mind.
I'm not fit now,
But maybe in a while.
I'm not new anymore,
Maybe less enticing,
But I'm still me.

I'm not just smart now,
I'm wiser,
I'm not just goofy,
I'm humourous.
I'm not just good,
I'm kind,
And I love you.

Maybe I never did before,
But now more than ever
I need you to tell me
I take your breath away.

I'm older but better
Sometimes in every way.
I can tell myself this,
But it's better when you say,
I take your breath away.

Falling Is Like...

I'm working on a slightly newer me. the same person and personality, but fixing my external appearance to match what I feel inside. It started with a hair cut, which all viewers agree has shaved several years off my appearance. I'm working on exercise to make my body feel its true age, but I'll wait a while before I confirm the success of that program.

Maybe it's related, maybe it's the weather, but with this comes the feeling that I want to be 'in love' again. Falling in love is easy, it's fun and it's beautiful. Falling out of love... happens painlessly when you're not looking for a relationship. When you're in a relationship, or the relationship ends prematurely... I had to force myself out of love. It was very hard. It's not something I want to do again, fall out of love. Listening to the songs I listened to then, triggers the same responses, deep sadness at having to end something that was special, and had potential. That one, only had potential for me and not for the man I was with, so it had to end, but that didn't make it any easier.

Every so often, I fall in love with my husband again. Not because I've fallen out of love with him, but because he's changed a bit, or I've changed a bit, or because I've forgotten little bits of what he's like or something. Maybe it's also the weather, but now, I'm looking for my husband again - to fall in love once more, like trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists that love is like falling, and falling is like this (Ani DiFranco).

There's Something Wrong with the World Today

I was disturbed when I heard about Switzerland banning minarets, there's ongoing discussion about banning the Burqa in a few countries in Europe, and now this http://sify.com/news/opposition-to-mosques-in-us-on-the-rise-observers-news-international-khvnafgjbig.html.

What ever happened to the Freedom to Practice Religion? Isn't it something that we've all been told is important and must be protected? Do you then start checking people at your borders, asking what their religious views are before you'll let them in? Isn't it blatant hypocrisy to allow their money in without any questions, but not to allow their faith?

And where have all the voices gone that constantly warn that one day it will be your turn (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came...) that authoritarian rule is never the answer, that people are people.

At times, I didn't know what to say, whether I had a right to say anything, but this is going too far. We have got to stop having knee jerk reactions to things that we've not considered before. People who are rational and sensible in their dealings with work and family turn oddly rabid when they discuss religion, believing that somehow a religion is responsible for the quirks of an individual. Surely we have thieves of every religion and denomination? We have the corrupt, the wife beaters, the child abusers, none of these can be separated out due to religion and it's even likely that every religion will swear that it is indeed the lack of religion that made them so.

Why have we all turned into this weird bunch of reactionaries? Demanding that Islam be limited to countries that are willing to declare themselves 'Islamic' and that Muslims in any other country hide their faith? Do we require that Hindus not wear caste marks? Do we force Christians to put away their rosaries and other signs of faith? Why are we becoming intolerant of an entire religion because of a few people? I've said this once and I'll say it again we have terrorists of all religions. I know of Hindu terrorists, Christian terrorists, Sikh terrorists and Muslim terrorists. Yet nobody is prohibiting the construction of temples or churches.

We need to stop and think. What are we setting ourselves up for here? A culture of hate and intolerance? Is that the future we want to leave our children?

Romance

I've called myself a romantic, incurable at best and implacable at worst, but of late, I'm wondering more and more what that means. I grew up in a practical family, where parents didn't have time for grand gestures of love for each other, but have stayed together nonetheless. Is that romantic? Perhaps not. So what was I looking for? Someone to sweep me off my feet? Not really - or at any rate, not any more. I quite like my feet and making my own decisions. I guess the part that appealed to me most was that someone would unexpectedly be drawn to you, and would want to be with you, no matter what. Disaster, disease, disability, disdain, none of this would push them away. In retrospect, completely stalker-ish.

So what is it? What do I want? I'll confess, I still miss the romantic, and at some level believe there are romantic men, but if a non-romantic man asked me what it is, what does he need to do? Indeed... what?

After much analysis, it turns out that it's what a man does that makes his woman feel special. Parts of it relate to her being a woman (therefore probably applicable across the board) but most of it relate specifically to her. For instance, most women like a man who opens doors for them, not because they cannot do it, but because it shows consideration. I do it myself, because it shows consideration. But If my husband gets to the door before me and opens it for me when I'm on the phone, that's romantic. When my husband knows that I don't like a particular vegetable much so ensures there's an alternative when it's prepared at his parents' place, that's romantic. Yes?

There's still something niggling, something that I only felt once in my life. I was in a bit of a flap due to some circumstances, and a person I was hanging out with (he is 3 years younger and I had very strict rules about these things those days) said to me, 'don't worry, I'm there.' He couldn't have done much to remedy the situation or anything, but it was just an assurance that he would be there through it. I felt more special than I wanted to in that situation, and whether he meant it or not... I began avoiding him.

I guess to me, given my various relationships, insecurity is the biggest challenge. I usually feel alone and when things start stacking up, that's the biggest fear - that I'll have to deal with it all alone.

So in the ultimate analysis, romance is what makes the other person feel special, and for me, the ultimate in romance is knowing that I'll never be alone. Now, if only my subconscious would react appropriately :)

Fingers Crossed

My cousin, the one who's in her second marriage, with two babies, is due to meet her husband this evening. Apparently they met by chance on the weekend and clearly had a civilized conversation, and they're going to have another one today. There were some tensions in the middle, with emails flying fast and furious, copying people who had no business knowing what was going on between the two of them (like my parents, my brother and I) but maybe that's all at an end.

I am very afraid for her because she's head-strong and pampered to a large extent. I'm head-strong too, but have learnt over the years to recognize that I can be wrong, and to listen to a few people in some degree of detail. These people are friends and family, but they're also my weather-vanes, showing me myself. I'm afraid that my cousin, like our family is wont to do, has pushed away people like that from her life, making the rest of us afraid to point out that she can be wrong. Again, this is not to say that her husband is correct, he is deathly wrong in his own way, but he is probably right in some ways. My cousin has a blind spot when it comes to money, never having to earn a living, or having to survive by what she earned. Where I'm comfortable in the knowledge that my education and experience will see me through the rest of my life comfortably, she cannot say that at all. On the flip-side, she's very comfortable spending. She thinks she's aware of money, but she's probably penny wise, pound foolish. She feels entitled to an evening out every week, spending money that she's not earning. While she is a full-time mom, and I can understand that that is frustrating and tiring, asking your mother to baby-sit, so that you can have an evening out with your friends, spending a fair bit of money that your parents are giving you... feels wrong. But again, who am I to judge?

Her husband has not been the most mature about any of this, and at some level, neither has my cousin. The best case is they decide to start with a clean slate with each other, hopefully remembering the affection, but putting all the unpleasantness behind them, never to be referred to again. The worst case is they try again and fall into the same traps of anger, frustration, passive-aggression etc.

Families are what they are, imperfect, but loving at best. Parents are people, but when children are very young, they need to put aside their personalities and concentrate on the children. This is not something I've seriously thought about, but something that now makes perfect sense to me. The parent who is the primary care-giver, doesn't have any time or mental space, for anything apart from care-giving for the first few years of the child's life. Given the way life is these days, several people have children with a gap of two years or so. This means, in the parents' lives, there is a lull in personal relationship for something like six or seven years. The time during which children need full time care (the elder one gets this for 3 years, then the second one gets their 3 years), is the time when parents need to be very secure in the relationship - which is technically the security that marriage provides. The security that though you don't have time for each other just yet, you will find that time, because you have the rest of your lives. The insecure spouse will feel ousted by the child/children, and after a few attempts at date-nights or some other contrived experience to reclaim what existed before, will move on. The secure spouse will participate in child-rearing, realising that this is a way for the relationship to grow and mature, a new phase of marital life, which has its own ups and downs.

I'm not saying anybody is justified in completely ignoring their spouse or indeed themselves, but the secondary care-giver must understand how difficult it is, and what a toll it takes. Several people do this without thinking, decide to have children, stay at home to take care of them, then wonder why they're fighting more with their spouse etc., without realising that the situation is fraught with various tensions.

Though I've been waiting to have my own children, every year that I don't adds some insights that I believe will make me a better parent if I get the opportunity, but insights that will make me a better person in general.

For my cousin, I've my fingers crossed that all will end well for the time being, and being adults, they can work on their relationship to take it where they want.

100% Pure Lust!

Aaah... Cristiano Ronaldo.... thank you Google Image Search!

In Which I Confirm that I'm Stoic

When I was in school, we had to learn Julius Caesar. Our teacher took some trouble to explain philosophies and the like, because, if I remember correctly, Cassius was Stoic. The explanation and the definition at that time, made them sound cold and unfeeling. The philosophy was being separate from events, so that you aren't destroyed by events, but if you're untouched by events, my sixteen year old self reasoned, you've to be cold and unfeeling.

Then my life happened, I studied more, I worked hard, I had set-backs in my personal and professional life and I stopped and thought. People behaved incomprehensibly, things happened that had no business happening at all! And I thought about all of this, about how angry I was with these people and these things. People that I otherwise liked and even loved. What's the option, I thought. How do I reconcile that people whom I like and love, and will continue to love, do such incomprehensible things? And the only complete answer I could find, is that they will do what they do, I can only react to those things. And my reaction does not need to be incomprehensible. In fact, the one thing I take trouble to do, is to process thoughts and feelings before voicing them, because my reaction is now a 'thing' for someone else. Do I think people are wrong? Often. Do I shout from the rooftops that they are wrong? Almost never. Why? Because I cannot choose what happens, I can only choose how I react to the happenings.

How Low Can You Go...

I had expected that life would have a trajectory. Upto some point, I would be learning, and after some point I would be teaching. If you assume the average person lives about 80 years, then you learn roughly upto 50-55, and then you teach. Maybe this is true?

The cousin-in-law may have learnt much from his mother, and I'm in shock. At the meeting with his estranged wife, the meeting in which my father-in-law saw an over-aggressive girl and an apologetic boy, the cousin-in-law also alleged that his wife had tried to seduce his own cousin. He said that his mother had said her sister-in-law (the boy in question's mother) had told her that the girl was behaving inappropriately with her son. Now, those of us that know the mothers in question, know that they would never have this conversation. The girl's family promptly called up 'the boy in question's mother' and she swore up and down that she had said no such thing. Her husband was present, heard this, and said nothing at all. My father-in-law, who was present, said nothing of this incident to anybody.

The net result being that the cousin-in-law and his mother now have my father-in-law's support and are being painted many shades of white within the family. Those of us that know his mother and his ex-wife, know which side is what colour. The pain here is, that they used my father-in-law very thoroughly. Used him, knowing that he would not be able to see their machinations, that he would listen to the words, not the tone, that they lucked out when the girl's family lost their temper and he couldn't understand their rage.

They used a man who has only their welfare at heart, who only wanted to see if a family could be re-united and if a disabled child could get the support he needs. Used him to re-establish some sense of respect that they had in a family that they meet occasionally. Apparently humans are plumbing new depths every day.