Not so Afeared

My body cooperates at its own pace. Clearly I was not pregnant and after holding out for many weeks, it confessed that it wasn't either. Now to see if I can school it into submission to my will, or will be forced to acknowledge the Horrorscope.

Rene's the Man

It runs away with me,
My errant brain.
Leaping from thought to mood
From word to phrase.
Caffeine induced or crazed,
With the need to speak my mind.


It's agitated, I am agitated.
But not in a bad way,
Not troubled or sad.
I've been here before,
Words and thoughts tumbling out,
No coherence, just a cascade.
I miss it when it's absent,
This churning of thoughts within,
My creation of something...
Worthwhile or otherwise,
Completely mine.

He was right you know,
Right about me at any rate.
I think, therefore I am.

Afeared

I was good about exercise through April, 3 days a week through the month. I was feeling better, body was getting a little better. May has been bad, maybe 2 days of exercise in the whole month - though I'm re-motivated now. Why? Because Aunty Flo has been missing!! 45 days and no sign of the woman! I was eating better and exercising, I expected my standard cycle, which was about 35 days but no sign. The depressing side is that I cannot even remotely be pregnant, so it's just that my insides are not working. Which is making me mighty afeared!

Something I want to Remember

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Baby and Horrorscope

No, it's not a spelling mistake. SO's just quit his job (one that he's not happy at) but he doesn't have anything in hand, so naturally his family is upset/worried. Some people are able to understand that if there are two earning members in a household, one can quit without plan, and the world doesn't end. Those that aren't able to understand panic a bit. My mother-in-law chose to panic a bit, the panic taking the form of contacting an astrologer. Again, I have nothing against astrologers, except that they trade in fear. The MIL is convinced that she has to have some pujas done to spare SO from the painful effects of his own short-temper. An aside that the astrologer lady told her, is that we (SO and I) are not having children because we are not interested. The SO heard this from his mother, and didn't tell me till it came out in some random conversation.

To say I was upset would be a tad understating it. I bawled a few buckets and got slightly more upset when SO said that my date and time of birth are required to ascertain how bad his situation is. While the information is collected for purposes of job assurance, what if it is used for fertility analysis? And what if random astrologer person swears that the 'khot' is in my horrorscope and not SO's? This is more distressing because I want a child much more than SO does, and I suspect SO has a more serious medical condition than my self-diagnosed PCOS. What if my horrorscope shows none of this but declares that I will not have children? He's already presumed able, and I'm declared feeble!

On the up-side, I spoke to my MIL recently and she didn't ask me for any time of birth, so I'm hoping that she's either given up or forgotten, so this question is either dead or postponed. The angst it caused me though, is quite significant. I'm not sure it's done with (considering SO and I have been wed for 2.5 years), but hopefully I will not hear of it again.

Diplomacy and Politics

I was travelling for a while and am experiencing a vague sort of dissatisfaction with my life, which is why I've not expressed any opinions about Shashi Tharoor and his downfall. When he entered politics, like all citizens who are looking for new brooms, I was hopeful. Then came the reckless tweets and now this.

My opinion is that he's a diplomat, but hasn't realised that there is a difference between diplomacy and politics. Diplomacy seems to be about deciding what truths to tell, politics appears to be about how well you can weather filth. Nobody has a blameless existence, but Indian politicians appear to first learn how to ensure that no blame attaches to them, then they learn how to make innocent acts appear vile and filthy, then they learn about how to accumulate power, and finally, how to retain power. Governance, good or otherwise, doesn't appear to feature too much.

Looking at it from the bewildered eyes of Mr. T, it seems like he made a few calls to help someone who asked for help, and they offered him a reward. He refused the reward because he is a public servant, but upon being pressed to accept their 'generosity' he directed it towards a friend, in what he thought was another good turn. What an expensive set of favours it has proved to be for him.

I'd like to think I'm good at recognizing opportunities for doing and seeking favours. This, I think, is the basis of politics. Everybody has convictions and beliefs, but building consensus and coalition depends as much on people believing that you can help them, as it does on people believing in you and your convictions/beliefs. The mass of voters need to believe in you to cast their vote, but the people who will help you reach the masses need to believe in your ability to help them. The fine line is the help you are willing to provide. You could help a legitimate project get legitimate clearances with all procedures followed, so that social good is done, or you could help an illegitimate project get clearances so that the entrepreneur is enriched, or somewhere in between. And you must be aware that your enemies can make one look like the other, with no effort at all.

When I was younger, I recognized that politics was a very dirty game and thought that the most easy way to uplift India was through the Civil Services. However, not being fond of examinations and fairly confident that the life was not for me, I didn't pursue that route. Now, I still think it's the best way to work.

Coming back to Sashi Tharoor, he confused diplomacy with politics and has learnt that the two are very different. He has the rest of his term to serve out his constituency and try in little ways to make improvements to the daily lives of his people. Not a mean task if he manages it, but not as impressive as what he could have achieved, if he spent some time learning the ropes first?

Confidence

For a variety of reasons, I wasn't the most confident of children or young adults. This carried though into my twenties,and with each year of my thirties, I find that I'm growing in confidence. Professional first, and now personal. It's about knowing that I'm a good person and slowly working on myself till I'm happy with me and my body. I'm quite happy with me, and for the past 3 weeks, I've been exercising at least 3 days a week for half an hour a day, meaning I'm growing more happy with my body. It's a minor thing but it helps a lot.

The thing is, that for many years I believed that no man that I liked would like me. My first boyfriend was not one that I had a crush on, though my second was and SO certainly is. Insecurity about this 'liking' thing, always meant that I was afraid of ending up alone. Something that I certainly do not want. So now If I'm on a path away from that insecurity, what does it mean? Just that I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. I may never be super-fit, or have a flat stomach, but I can control my health and look the way I choose. This is rather a key realisation for me, as till now I believed that the way I looked was beyond my control. This might be one of my biggest personal achievements for 2010!

Mid-30s Drama Queen

I am having an email fight with my father in which I'd like to believe I appear slightly more mature. It's interesting, but makes it clear to my why I'm such a drama queen. I inherited the talent from my father. My mother does fly off the handle and overreact, but she's much better these days. My father has the 'rage'. He's the one who'll go quiet and cold waiting till he gets the apology that he wants. I do almost exactly the same with SO, regularly. I used to think that my mother had a bee in her bonnet about being right, I'm slowly learning that my father is worse, but less communicative, so it's harder to explain or pacify etc.

In the recent past, my father has done a lot more of the 'being childish' bits. Maybe he's always been like that and when I was a child I didn't notice it and for some years my mother handled it. The real fear I have is that my father will not mellow into maturity, taking offence at everything that his children say to him, or don't say to him. Forgetting that they are very much like him, hot-headed and slow to forgive.

For today though, I'm a child who's hurt her father and doesn't want to apologise because she doesn't think she's wrong. It would appear that my father is throwing a tantrum, but maybe I am.

Come On People!

So now it's Sandra Bullock's husband. Ok, Jesse James if you must. Explain something to me, it's not bad enough that her husband cheats, but she needs to have the entire country know about it, because somebody offered the other woman money for the story? Isn't that at least a little disgusting? If I'm not wrong, Tiger's girlfriends also got money for their stories.

What's the thinking here? They have a story, they might as well get some money from telling it? Why encourage them to tell it at all? Has the country absolved these women of any role in an affair with a married man? Is it now all down to the man to stand firm and reject any form of temptation?

I'm not defending cheating, not at all, but it does take 2 to cheat doesn't it? Is their logic 'he would have cheated with someone, why not me?' Do they expect the world to believe that the fact that these guys are celebrities had nothing to do with it? What's the next step? For a media company to launch a sting operation where some chick tries to seduce a happily married celebrity?

There's something wrong with the world today!

Thank You!

Thank you
For each time you were cold
And I tried to warm you up
For each time you were distant
And I tried to build the bridge
For each time you snapped
And I looked on bewildered,
For all the times you were you
And I was unsure

Over the years
I've built myself over
Learning to know me
A me you don't see
Or don't see all the time
A me that is special and fabulous
A me that is independent of you.

Thank you
For showing me me.
Now I know it's not me, it's you
And one day, it may be only you.

Agony Aunties

I had always fancied myself being one, till I decided that it caused more problems than it resolved. Then I firmly got out of the business of giving advice except when asked, when I would say 'what I would do is...' to make it clear that it's only my opinion.

Over the years though, I've apparently become known for having a cool head and making sensible decisions, so people sometimes as me for opinions. And some people ask me for opinions all the time. In this latter category falls the friend who I unwittingly recruited into my organization. I'm guessing her work is still ok, so I don't need to feel guilty, but it sometimes causes more work for me :)

She's in a very different position in life - she has 2 children who are 5 and 2, she hasn't worked full-time in a few years and wanted to re-join the full time work force, though she was doing useful part-time work. So she did, but has throughout been conflicted about her children. The older one had a tough time because at the time when she chose to go back to work, her husband took a job in another city (after having been home for 8 months). That got resolved eventually, with the husband returning to this city with a new job. Now, her younger child is ill. And for some reason, she thought I might have suggestions about what she could possibly do. 'What if the doctor says my child shouldn't stay at day-care?' she asks me.

The only answer I could think of for a few minutes was WTF? How on earth am I supposed to know? I'm not her, I have no children, nobody's ill, and I'm not the kind that worries about getting stuff done, I typically just get down to doing it.

Anyway, I directed her to her boss, who would certainly have some guidance on this and really should have been her first port of call. I honestly could not care less that her child is ill. I sympathize, but it's not something that I can do anything about and it doesn't affect me.

I guess it struck me as being a tad weird - maybe I'm not as nice as I thought, but honestly - it doesn't count as 'bad news' in my life if my friends or their children are ill. It counts as bad news if they've broken something (the friend) or the child is hospitalized, or some family member is critical, or someone lost their job etc. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch :)

Disposition and Predisposition

Personalities are based on numerous things we're told. Genes, upbringing, conditioning etc. In my case, I'd have to agree - all these play a part. I react sometimes based on innate responses (like anger), sometimes based on principles, and sometimes based on mood. Maybe there are more classifications - but you get the drift. A lot of these can be attributed to my genetic structure and a lot to the way I was brought up. But can all of it? At some point I broke with 'family' I had my own experiences and thoughts and could make up my own mind. But maybe that just means that I'm 'hardy'.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene A cousin-in-law posted this article on Facebook and I loved reading it. It suggests that people who are hurt the most by the slings and arrows of a difficult upbringing, also have the most to contribute to society. Not by virtue of their upbringing, but by virtue of their sensitivity, creativity, or other such trait. They feel more strongly, so they may do more. It suggests that the personality type they call 'orchid' would die when not treated appropriately, but when in 'optimal' circumstances, would blossom spectacularly.

What I find special about this article is that there are no value judgements about parents, and there are no excuses for children. Stretching the 'orchid' metaphor, they are not only found in hot-houses. So, the circumstances for the 'orchid' child to develop completely could be completely naturally occurring. I just read 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch (after having seen it on YouTube a few times), and one of the points he made is that he 'lucked out on the Parent Lottery'. I've also recently read 'Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman' which is an eclectic collection of life incidents, but what stood out for me, is that his parents were completely supportive of his experiments and curiousity. It was dangerous on occasion, but he survived, their house survived, and he went on to be very useful.

I'm contemplating becoming a parent and (as I've stated before) I think I'll be ok at it. What I'm learning though, is that we need to be sensitive to the individual child as well. I have 'principles of child rearing' that I occasionally discuss with OA and we tend to agree, but where we sometimes disagree is how much to 'curtail' a child. Especially with little boys, sometimes they're not very careful. They hurt themselves, they break stuff and such-like. This is not true of all boys, but assuming we have a child like this, is the right answer that we restrict their curiousity and movement to ensure minimum damage to themselves and property? Say we think the right approach is to scare the child into immobility, how would that help? It might ensure the child lives to adult-hood, but with a significant amount of fear. Is there a middle-path? Where we're able to evaluate risk in a split second, and allow some activities, but disallow others? Will a small child be able to evaluate these or understand the difference (i.e. using an electrical device v. putting nail into electricity socket)?

And moving along to the other issue that I wanted to write about. Now that I've read the article, I think my brother is an 'orchid'. There are some 'optimal' settings for him, which he may not have had for most of his life. Now he's an adult, and it seems sometimes like he's not able to get beyond this, probably for the same 'orchid' related issues. If this is true, I'd also like to know if professional help would work, I'd really like him to get it if it works.

Professionalism

I think I blogged about this once before, years ago. A senior colleague was telling his super-boss, that someone who had left our organization, was being a thorn in the side of some senior executive. The senior executive was passing the pain along to this senior colleague. The super-boss said, 'don't fight with a pig, you'll both get dirty and the pig will enjoy it' and then said 'that was advice'. Very good advice I thought.

Through my working life, I've not encouraged gossip. For whatever reason, nobody tells me anything. I have friends in the office, people I hang out with during the work day, but not a single one tells me that 'x' is seeing 'y' or that someone said something about me or somebody else, etc. Ever. In about 9 years of working, that's pretty odd wouldn't you say? I wondered whether to feel left out. Now... I think it's better.

A friend has joined the organization that I work at and has had a very different experience. Given, she's a part of a team and I'm an individual contributor, but I'm still amazed at the situation she finds herself in in 4 months. She's so pissed off with one of her colleagues, that she's willing to tell anybody who'll listen, even people who are in the same team. Naturally they reciprocate very willingly, leading to this wonderfully unhealthy working situation. Sure, it's hard to work with a colleague who seems out to get you, but what's the solution? It's gotten to a stage where this other girl who has the same boss as me, asked me today to do something about it (tell our boss basically).

Instead I called my friend who vented majorly. Sure, there may be things that are upsetting, the other person's behaviour may not be appropriate, but surely there's a 'mature' way to handle this? Not bitching behind her back, even if she does the same? Not complaining about how she doesn't know how to act etc.? Sure, the other woman may be a perfect bitch herself, but we're back to the 'pig' story aren't we?

I think whatever else I may be, I maintain my equanimity. I may not want to, but I'll be damned if someone makes me lose my self control, in a professional interaction. I just thought about it some more, and I've had remarkably agressive interactions, I've been troubled, I've had my credibility questioned etc., but I managed to get through, get the job done and let that speak for me. I'm not perfect, but I'll ensure that people mainly say that I'm 'professional'. Something that my friend has not managed to do.

I'm trying to understand why I felt the urge to write this down, probably because she's my friend, and that had something to do with her getting the job. And now I've another friend considering whether she should join. The key difference between these two? The one who's only considering worked for a long time at a competitive office, where she had to deal with this kind of stuff regularly, and clearly managed. She has another minor advantage though, the woman who's causing the first friend trouble is changing roles, so should have very little left to do with this team at all.

The saddest thing? I have a great professional relationship with the 'trouble-maker'. I think she's smart and sensible. She's had bad luck with team members in the past, maybe that bad-luck is continuing, maybe she's finally met someone who's as competent as her, maybe she's insecure, I'm not sure what it is, but I am sure that it could have all been handled differently.

Random Voyeurism

I used to read this blog earlier, written by a girl who was in love with a neighbour, who broke up with her. One day she protected her blog, and then deleted it. I found today that she'd started another one. So I've spent some hours today reading the new one. She's still as depressed (about 1.5 years after breaking up) but maybe things are looking up in her life. This post is not about that though.

It's about how I think marrying one person when you're still in love with another is the worst thing you could do to your spouse. I know that several people have done it, some have resulted in happy marriages even, but only due to the great strength of the spouse. I personally believe that for a person going into a marriage, expecting a loving spouse, the worst thing you can find is a kind stranger whose thoughts and heart belong to another. Worse, because they agreed to marry you (and they're honest about the choice they made), they try really hard to be good to you but their heart isn't in it. And you try to be a good spouse, you appreciate their contributions, you want to hold hands while walking and they flinch. You try to hug them impulsively and they freeze. Imagine that? Imagine not knowing why the person you're now ready to build your future with is only polite with you. Not being able to understand why they look troubled or sad and when you ask them, they snap or avoid or worse, tell you that they didn't want to get married to you in the first place.

And now imagine the reverse. You're in love with one person but have agreed to marry another. You're expected to have a 'wedding night' and be affectionate with a person you barely know when all you want to do is to be with someone else. Or even to take some time to get over someone else, and be free to fall in love with your spouse, but you don't have that time. You're already in a relationship in which you have multiple duties.

A totally toxic situation, but much more cruel to the one who wasn't expecting it.

Another part of the 'random voyeurism' is that the girl with the blog comments that her friend walked in on her father kissing the cook, 2 years after the friend's mother had died. The situation is not what intrigued me. The kissing is what did. I'm more than willing to admit that for Indian men, the help is the first line of attack. What I found surprising in that story is that the pair were kissing. An activity that I only associate with affection. Much like holding hands. Not like sex or groping, for both of which the other person could be irrelevant, as long as they are of the right sexual pursuasion.

I have also come to the conclusion that this is just me. I watched a movie yesterday - a French film named the Bay of Angels about a man and a gambler. The man learns how to gamble and along the way meets this woman who is a gambler. She seems to be using him, but I could never be sure that that was it. And he seemed besotted enough to be used and not want to let her go. He could see that at times she only wanted his money, not his affection and it hurt him, but he was willing to continue. And I couldn't understand it.

For all my willingness and self-proclaimed ability to see multiple sides of an argument, I'm unable to believe that men feel as strongly as women. Most definitely because I am not a man and have had my fair share of heartache from men. Maybe it's the indepth socializing that men go through that I'm not able to pierce the veil of it and see their true feelings or appreciate that they feel pain as well. Maybe it's that I've not understood many men. The men I've had the opportunity of interacting with (father, brother, husband) have all been reserved. Maybe now I'll get to know more of the sensitive ones. The ones who talk openly about what they think and feel. Maybe they'll get hurt, but hopefully not. And hopefully I'll be privileged enough to see some thinking and feeling.

My Own Fallibility

I know that I'm only human and I make mistakes, yet each time I do, I'm scared solid. When I say solid, I mean frozen. I panic, I shut down, I shout at myself wondering how I could have been so stupid etc.

Now the challenge is, these are mistakes that cost somebody something, right? If they only thing they cost is me to lose face, I'm fine with that. I can go back and be shouted at and explain that I personally made a mistake, that's all fine.

I know I'm not alone in this, and I hope I will never make a mistake that ends my career, but how do you prevent making the rather large ones? At present, there's enough and more blame to go around but some of it is rightfully mine. And I care about having it fixed. Unfortunately, we cannot have it fixed, because to do so would need the other side to be 'gracious', something that they're not inclined to be. And may never be inclined to be.

I'm concerned, and nervous, but apparently I'm not alone in this. Google has 32 Million results for 'leaning to cope with making mistakes'. More importantly, I have to remember that the voice that shouts at me, is not my conscience, it is my ego.

My conscience is clear, I missed this thing, but I did a lot, I covered a lot, I took care. Maybe someone else would not have missed this, but I did. And hopefully, I never will again.

Gran Torino

My introduction to Clint Eastwood was through Spaghetti Westerns. My brother loved those movies and I watched as younger siblings are wont to do. I didn't 'feel' much for him because he was the 'man's man'. Then he grew older and I grew up. I didn't watch several movies of his, but eventually I saw Million Dollar Baby. And then about two months ago I saw Gran Torino.

When I saw Million Dollar Baby, though I loved the movie muchly, I hated the end. Hated it because that's not the way we want to see our heroes go. Because I'm romantic at heart and believe strongly that every end must be happy. I hung on to this 'displeasure' for many years. Till I saw Gran Torino. Another unhappy ending... but not quite. I guess both of them are actually happy endings in their own way.

Gran Torino specifically is one of the most happy movies I've seen. A man who's lived his life, has no relationship with his family, but is a man. A person who can see right from wrong, and is on the side of right. Uncompromisingly. It doesn't matter that other people think he's crazy and that the people he's supporting aren't like him, they're supported because they are right.

I'd like to believe that that was what was right with the USA. It had a reputation of being one of the few places in the world where merit matters. Where what's right is right and there's no two ways about it.

http://www.life.com/image/50375673/in-gallery/35762/sexiest-men-of-the-50s-60s-70s

I love Randall Munroe

Let me just state, in case I never do otherwise. I love him! He's a math nerd and has worked with Nasa, I'm an averagely intelligent human being who's many miles away. I will probably never meet him, and if I do, I'll probably make a gigantic fool of myself, but nevertheless, I love Randall Munroe.

This India That India

I spent a good amount of time reading a series of comments triggered by a post about Chennai. I'm not from Chennai but have a few million relatives there. I spent many summers of my childhood there in a conservative family so have very limited happy memories. But I love the beach. And Chennai to me, is like any other city in the world. It has its up-sides and its down-sides.

But this post is not about Chennai. It's about whether there is indeed a cultural difference between people from one part of India and another. When I was younger, I went to a sort of elite college. It's now much more elite than it was then (but that's a different post), and even back then, we had people from all over India. My friends to date, are not all from a single place. Some of us speak Hindi fluently and still get made fun of, and some of us speak Hindi badly despite having lived in Delhi for years. Is that even an issue? A cousin of mine is married to a girl who grew up in Chennai though her family is from North India. She is so fond of Chennai that she actually loves the weather! I guess one could safely call her a Chennai-ite.

Of late though, in my professional life, I've run into many people from other parts of India. And I've had to resist the temptation to brand/stereotype. I don't believe it's cultural, but I do see a tendency for people from Delhi to try to beat the system. This has taken on a slightly personal tone for me, one that I'm grappling with.

A colleague of mine is from Delhi. We didn't have much interaction due to work, but we began hanging out because the women in my office are few and far between. She's sweet, dil-se. But she's very... brash, full of herself and willing to do jugaad. And I no longer respect her. She's been very sweet, said I've made her respect Tamilians more, understand Tamilians more, she's bought me gifts for no reason... and I don't want to speak to her any more. And when I don't want to speak to someone I become snarky. I've had to watch myself, because she's a nice person, but it's getting harder. I felt especially offended when she proudly announced that the highlight of a shopping trip was gypping a parking attendant of some amount, by pretending that she'd just come out of the shop that maintains the parking. This is mainly because I've been wrongly accused of the same and been all righteously indignant, but how does one fault a parking attendant? He can't keep track, and she knew that what she was doing was against the rules. Yet she did, not just unrepentantly, but proudly.

This is what I see growing, an attitude that 'getting what you want' matters more than abiding by rules/norms etc. And that is the India that I abhor.

I Hurt!

I dind't want to come to work today cause I had a bit of a mishap on Friday. I realised that I'd missed something and it caused some ripples. It's all been smoothed over, mainly because there's a lot at stake here, but I woke up this morning, severely depressed about work. The thing is, that I missed some little stuff, and some big stuff. Overall, it was something that I thought was going well, but at the end of it, I'm totally depressed! It's not turned out the way we needed though the people I've worked with on it are sort of ok with it.

In general, my enthusiasm for work is zero today and I'm just afraid. I usually get like this after making mistakes at work. Afraid to do anything for a while in case I get something wrong. I mostly know that I won't get the day to day stuff wrong, but the fear is still quite crippling. I could have chosen to work from home, but didn't because I thought I should come to the office - for the soothing company of other people. Except, there's nothing soothing about it at all. There are many people, all of whom are busy, so there's a lot of noise. I'm feeling very jumpy, overwhelmed.

Added to this is that SO returns in the middle of the night today. I've missed him terribly, but this trip has been awful in terms of communication. We've spoken maybe 10 times through the trip and exchanged very brief emails. It may be that the trip itself was short and though I was at home, there was stuff going on, but I'm slightly pissed. Probably exacerbated by excessive stress at work, leaving me feeling very alone.

Oddly, work has been very 'rewarding' with great news on bonus and awards... I guess I've been working very hard without realising it, and now it's catching up with me.

Mother-in-law-hood

The last post, though titled Motherhood, was triggered by a post by a mother-in-law, and for some time I've been wanting to write about in-laws. I know I've written a lot of stuff about this complicated relationship, but there's currently a little more.

Maybe there's no more, just that I want to understand a little more about what this relationship is to me. I'm a daughter who grew up in a cosmopolitan city with a liberal mother. I learnt to have opinions and speak my mind. I also have modified my relationship with my family to the level where I'm comfortable with it. As selfish as that is, what it means is that I get to interact with my parents on my terms. I meet them somewhat often, but I speak to them at length at least once a week. I also ensure that when I speak to them I'm as patient and tolerant as I can be. I also share and answer as much as I can. I make this statement because my parents, in an attempt to feel connected to me and my life, want to know how so-and-so is doing, how their children are etc., but usually forget what I say. Or I just don't want to tell them because it's none of their business or something. With advancing age, I do have a little more patience with my parents. And they've been my parents my entire life.

Which brings me to my in-laws. They've been SO's parents all his life, but their relationship with me has been... patchy :) I won't repeat what I saw as slights, but there were a few. Added to that are personalities. It took me from adolescence to real adulthood (late 20s) to come to terms with my parents personalities. Probably the time it took for me to stop seeing them as rulers who knew all the answers, and get to know them as people. Which I do now. I'm not sure I know my in-laws as people yet, but that's growing a bit. I've spent a little more time with them this year, and before the year is out, would have spent a little more time. Incremental growth is better than none at all I guess?

I guess the issue with both parents and in-laws is the same. You may not like the personality, but they're yours for life. With parents, you've had your whole life to learn and adapt/adopt. With in-laws, it's incremental. Also, I'm trying to understand what the rules are. With my parents, I've felt free to tell them when I don't like something they've said or done, for the past 5 or so years. I'm nice about it, I try to use humour and sensitivity, sometimes I fail, but I try. With in-laws, I don't yet have that relationship... what if I never do?

As with everything I do, let me try and flip this around. Say I have a son who gets married and his wife is not enamoured with stuff that I do. How would I like it handled? I'd like to believe that I'll have a close and honest relationship with my children, but realistically, that kind of relationship will only exist when they're adults. So if I do turn out to have the average, speak to you once a week relationship with my son, I'm guessing it won't be closer with his wife. In which case, I would probably appreciate it most if she said nothing at all, unless whatever it was, was driving her so insane that just telling my son is not enough.

Which means that it's the son's lot to be a buffer, whether he likes it or not. I try not to make SO that and encourage all my friends to vent with their girlfriends, rather than with their husbands, because it's rather cruel. The man may understand, may even sympathize, but can't do anything at all. And if the venting is regular and even slightly justified, he feels worse and worse.

How did it work before do you think? Did joint family daughters-in-law get together and discuss how things were different in this one? How people have their quirks and the best way to handle them? From serials and stories, it kind of appears that the mothers-in-law were cruel and the daughters-in-law bore whatever was meted out. Sons and husbands don't feature, or if they do, it's as mute and tortured spectators. Maybe there is some truth to the whole 'syndrome' and I'm being ambitious in thinking I have a solution.

Though I do think I have a solution, it's called mutual respect.