Random Voyeurism

I used to read this blog earlier, written by a girl who was in love with a neighbour, who broke up with her. One day she protected her blog, and then deleted it. I found today that she'd started another one. So I've spent some hours today reading the new one. She's still as depressed (about 1.5 years after breaking up) but maybe things are looking up in her life. This post is not about that though.

It's about how I think marrying one person when you're still in love with another is the worst thing you could do to your spouse. I know that several people have done it, some have resulted in happy marriages even, but only due to the great strength of the spouse. I personally believe that for a person going into a marriage, expecting a loving spouse, the worst thing you can find is a kind stranger whose thoughts and heart belong to another. Worse, because they agreed to marry you (and they're honest about the choice they made), they try really hard to be good to you but their heart isn't in it. And you try to be a good spouse, you appreciate their contributions, you want to hold hands while walking and they flinch. You try to hug them impulsively and they freeze. Imagine that? Imagine not knowing why the person you're now ready to build your future with is only polite with you. Not being able to understand why they look troubled or sad and when you ask them, they snap or avoid or worse, tell you that they didn't want to get married to you in the first place.

And now imagine the reverse. You're in love with one person but have agreed to marry another. You're expected to have a 'wedding night' and be affectionate with a person you barely know when all you want to do is to be with someone else. Or even to take some time to get over someone else, and be free to fall in love with your spouse, but you don't have that time. You're already in a relationship in which you have multiple duties.

A totally toxic situation, but much more cruel to the one who wasn't expecting it.

Another part of the 'random voyeurism' is that the girl with the blog comments that her friend walked in on her father kissing the cook, 2 years after the friend's mother had died. The situation is not what intrigued me. The kissing is what did. I'm more than willing to admit that for Indian men, the help is the first line of attack. What I found surprising in that story is that the pair were kissing. An activity that I only associate with affection. Much like holding hands. Not like sex or groping, for both of which the other person could be irrelevant, as long as they are of the right sexual pursuasion.

I have also come to the conclusion that this is just me. I watched a movie yesterday - a French film named the Bay of Angels about a man and a gambler. The man learns how to gamble and along the way meets this woman who is a gambler. She seems to be using him, but I could never be sure that that was it. And he seemed besotted enough to be used and not want to let her go. He could see that at times she only wanted his money, not his affection and it hurt him, but he was willing to continue. And I couldn't understand it.

For all my willingness and self-proclaimed ability to see multiple sides of an argument, I'm unable to believe that men feel as strongly as women. Most definitely because I am not a man and have had my fair share of heartache from men. Maybe it's the indepth socializing that men go through that I'm not able to pierce the veil of it and see their true feelings or appreciate that they feel pain as well. Maybe it's that I've not understood many men. The men I've had the opportunity of interacting with (father, brother, husband) have all been reserved. Maybe now I'll get to know more of the sensitive ones. The ones who talk openly about what they think and feel. Maybe they'll get hurt, but hopefully not. And hopefully I'll be privileged enough to see some thinking and feeling.