What is Wrong with Me?

I want to shout at SO, tell him to leave me, because it feels like he does not want me. That he's being a dog in the manger... he's not going to treat me like I deserve, and he's not letting me go either.

But clearly this is a projection of my thoughts. I want him to leave me, because I am not strong enough to leave him. I am able to say this... that I am not strong enough, but what does it mean? What am I not able to cope with?

Earlier, even earlier this year, there was a profound sadness at even the thought of leaving him. Like there was a part of me in him, that losing that part was not an option. Now it seems like it's just the societal pressures, the pressures of the families, the explanations to the world at large. In a few months, maybe that won't matter any more either.

Do I blame him? Can I blame him? I'd like to blame him... I'd love to say that he's not listening to me, he's not willing to do stuff that he clearly can do. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.

One of the rules of living successfully, is that you stop depending on others for your emotional well-being. If I can understand my parents and forgive them, then I can also understand the SO and forgive him. I can understand that he is incapable of giving me the kind of affection that I am looking for. It seems currently, that he may not even be able to give me the kind of companionship that I am looking for. Which doesn't mean that I have to look to others for companionship, just that I have to look to myself. That I have to continue doing things that I enjoy, that I find fulfilling. And let him look after himself and his part in this relationship. I cannot do more.

Do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? I do respect him, he is a good man. I trust him to continue to be a good man, and do the right thing for himself and his family. At present, I'm afraid I don't love him. At times, I think I hate him, but I know that's too strong a categorization of what I feel. I hate how he makes me feel, helpless and stupid. I hate begging for his attention and affection. I hate feeling at the mercy of someone else, and all of these are within my control. All things that I can stop.

I don't want to cheat on him, I don't yet want to leave him. Given this potential situation with a child, maybe it will all become better when the child arrives. Maybe it won't. I think he'll be a good father. Probably a better parent than a husband, and maybe I'll be a better parent than a wife. I'm trying to resign myself to a future without the glories of love. I don't want to, but if we have the child, then that will have to be it.

I'm a mess about this... let's see what 2012 is like.

...

So much to say and so little to say.

So far, we are all progressing on the assumption that it will end the way we planned. The baby will be born and s/he will come home with us. Yesterday though, I discovered how hard this is for my friend.

Her parents are against the idea, and her in-laws, who seemed supportive, are also against it. So much that they are actively trying to change her mind. She is... conflicted and really doesn't need this additional stress. Could they bring up a second child? Sure! Do they want to? Not really. Can they be bullied into it? Probably.

I want to help her, I want her to feel free to change her mind if it means that all the relationships that she has to manage will be more harmonious. I want her to be happy, but I also want the baby that I've begun thinking of as my child.

It makes it slightly hard for me to be completely supportive and sympathetic to her, but I know I have to be. I know I have to tell her again, formally, that she should feel free to change her mind if she feels like. That I know that she will not do so lightly, but that she must not feel that she owes us anything and the only thing we care about is what is best for the child.

It's been slowly poisoning me, but SO's been great about it and reading it now, it makes sense. Focus on doing what is right for the child, and give her the freedom to do what she needs to without guilt.

I'm going to be a Mother!

We decided (3 weeks ago) that we would take my friend up on her offer. My baby is now 10 weeks old. S/he will be born in end-May or early June.

A Very Special Day

The weekend was quite crap. I was terribly upset with SO who seems to register this but doesn't seem to know what to do about this. So... it wasn't a fun/easy weekend, me on the edge, him trying to keep me from crying and not succeeding for the most part.

Today, I had planned to work and then go meet a school friend, who's changed rather dramatically since I last knew her. But I got a call from another school friend this morning. I met her, her husband and their 2 year old on Saturday. She called to tell me that she's expecting their second child.

For a few minutes, I could not understand why she would call to tell me this, till she went on to say that they don't want a second child, they're strongly considering termination but if we want the child, they will give the child to us. When she said this, I knew I was not going to be working today.

I told SO and he's actually quite excited. I don't think he understands what is involved, but he's excited. All set to tell his parents so they can prepare the broader family. We're basically adopting, and he's quite happy with that.

The day has been... insane I think. I went to bed, I got up and ate lunch, I cried and cried, I read some stuff online, I'm writing this post. I wanted to write it for a number of reasons.

The main reason is that I wanted to record my friend's offer. She trusts us enough to offer to carry a child to term, so we can have a baby, she trusts us enough to bring up their child. I'm extremely touched. Thank you!

I'm also conflicted as hell, and like with several other major decisions in my life, I'm looking for a sign from God that this is for me, it would be fun if there was actually a sign :)

Incidental Lucidity

I'm still navigating through my own minefields, trying not to create craters or trip wires, and trying hard not to pre-judge where SO and I will end up. This morning, I was attacked by a deep sadness. I was struck by this sadness because my past has always led me to believe that there will be a reward for me in this life time.

When I say 'my past' it's a situation of child sexual abuse that I had to cope with all by myself. When I was coping, I believed that my reward would be a loving, stable romantic relationship. Now that I'm 10 years in my romantic relationship and it seems like it will not help me fulfill parts of my dreams for myself, I guess I feel profoundly let down.

That's not to say I blame the relationship or SO for this. My marriage will be with SO and I can make of it, and if we can't make much of it, that's all on us. What I'm now grappling with is the death of a separate hope. The hope that getting myself through some pretty dark times would be rewarded in this life time.

I guess we all believe what we need to, to get us to where we need to go. The question is, was it all worth it. I'm pretty damned sure that I'll make it all worth while. I've not fought to get to this stage of myself without making something of my life that I will be happy with. I may never write a book or inspire great deeds in others, but I'm not giving up on myself. Whether or not others give me what I feel I deserve, I will give it to myself.

Time Goes By...

Didn't realise it had been 2 months! Have these months been specifically busy? Probably not, but they have been confusing. I'm going to be quite chaotic, once again lulled into a sense of security by the lack of readership.

One: Pepper is the greatest spice in the world! Pepper cures throat problems for me, without any need for medication. I add pepper to milk, food, honey and warm water and I'm almost miraculously cured.

Two: My life is in a whirl. I don't know why or for how long but things are slightly messed up. It began in August when I found myself getting depressed for not very good reasons, picking fights with SO, not wanting to work, etc. It didn't get better through September and I'm probably going to look for a counsellor. I have though (as of a few days ago) decided to chill a bit. To stop looking for instant answers and to stop trying to rush through life aiming to achieve goals that may not be for me.

In this year so far, I've taken several steps forward personally, I have a few more to take, but I'm more 'put together' in appearance than I was last year. I'm healthier and more content in my own skin. Just not in my own mind.

It is likely that making these steps (which I had earlier thought were impossible) has led me to think that I can achieve anything (including getting pregnant) or basically, to push for having children. A rather ironic mission given that SO is rather adamant that he wants none. This on the eve of turning 35, is more stress than I have known how to cope with. There was also some work stress, but the combination was killing me.

I found myself turning excessively self destructive, willing to damage a relationship that I've built over time, willing to damage my professional life, just so I could crawl into a hole and hide. I'm coping by avoiding difficult decisions/conversations, or postponing them and then taking what appears to be a reasoned approach. When I realised that my actions were tending towards destructive, I was able to calm down and not do anything spur of the moment. To take stock, if you will.

I also realised that with this whirling going on, I was again contemplating suicide very seriously. The last time I contemplated it this seriously was when I felt I was letting everybody down. At present, I feel like this again. I'm letting family down by not having a baby, I'm letting SO down by wanting things that he cannot give me, I'm letting work down by slowing down decisions and even making wrong decisions, surely the most sensible way out of this is to end it all?

I just read an article by someone I know (he's a psychiatrist) and his view is that the urge to commit suicide is not rational or logical. Given that I believe I'm both, and that the only rational and logical answer to this world of pain I find myself in presently, is to end it, I was intrigued. He's right of course, there are 'emotional forces that are sabotaging the normal workings of the mind'.

If only I could fix these emotional forces, or if I knew what it would take for them to go away. The most depressing part of all this is, that with my new found 'put togetherness' I cannot confess this level of depression to anybody. Which is why I need a counsellor.

While I want to rave and rant about what I'm thinking and feeling, I'm actually thinking and feeling a lot more clearly currently, and I don't want to vent unnecessarily. Suffice it to say, I'm going through some reinvention processes. This may mean that things in my life change, whatever it is though, it's not fun.

Ninja Assassin

I watched this movie yesterday, completely by chance. I was blown away by the male lead. He looked amazing! I wondered what he did for a living and how I'd not heard of an action star named 'Rain' so Google came to the rescue. Now a quip from the movie makes more sense.

What I'm more curious about is, did they intend this movie for action audiences or for female audiences? The fight scenes apart, Rain rarely has a shirt on and looks fabulous (after working out 6 hours a day for 6 months, I'd showcase my body too) and thanks to all the fighting is sometimes sweaty, sometimes has water thrown on him... just making me appreciate the hard work even more. Oh yes! Sometimes speckled in blood...

Kind of like Jason Stratham. I'd watch a Jason Stratham movie anytime, he takes a lot of trouble with his body and likes to show it off, and I appreciate it :)

I'm wondering if this is something producers/directors are on to? Making action movies that couples watch, the men for the action, the women for the star?

Vacation!

I had made a promise to myself early this year. I promised that I would improve myself. I planned to get healthy, to travel and to learn some new things. The healthy part seems to be working, and due to some quirks of fate, travel translated into me going to VietNam for a week. Initially, I was supposed to meet a friend and then maybe go on by myself, I wound up going completely by myself, which was also good.

I think vacationing by yourself is great! Gives you a lot of head space, helps you feel/think about whatever you want. In my case, it was about having children, and my options around this. I want to get pregnant, SO... not so much. I'm 34 now and had thought that I only have till 35 to make this happen. Maybe I don't? Maybe I have till 36 or 37 or some later point?

If that's the case, and SO is reasonably clear that he doesn't want to have kids... does that change our relationship? This and other less stressful things are what I spent the head space on.

I also had a great time wandering around cities and towns, buying stuff, not buying stuff, seeing, feeling, etc. It was an excellent vacation though stressful in its own way. I've done it now, I'm looking forward to doing more such trips!

Just for Posterity

I'll forget that this happened in a few days, or weeks, or maybe years, but it has me upset enough that I want to write about it. Our house has a utility area leading off from the kitchen, where we keep our washing machine. This area has a loft, and as long as we've been here, there have been pigeons. We have some plastic blinds for the opening, which are usually pulled up, so we have sun coming in. The blinds have a cord, which we try to keep neat.

Today, a bird got caught in the cord. They've flown into the cord before, but they've unentangled themselves and gone on with their lives. Today's bird got it's wing caught, struggled, got more entangled and was trapped, in the cord, hanging off the side of the building. I was at home and heard some fluttering, but didn't pay any attention. God knows how many hours later, somebody rang my doorbell and asked if we had kept a bird tied up. That's when I realised what had happened.

I hoped the bird wouldn't choke, which it didn't, but then I had to unwrap the cord. I thought of cutting the cord, but didn't want to let go of the bird. I unentangled it after some effort and am still scarred. The bird flew away, and is slightly injured, but maybe not lastingly. It left some blood on the cord, but it didn't peck me at all when I was struggling with it. I hung on to it's legs and was quite afraid that it would try to attack me, but it didn't.

I thought I was fine after this, but I'm still crying. Not because I had to free it, but because it was stuck like this, trapped and afraid for got knows how long. I don't know why I'm so upset by this, but I am. Stupid bird!

Progress

I know I've had views on in-laws, specifically mothers-in-law, those views haven't changed. but having belonged to another family for nearly 4 years now, I notice that they also make efforts for me (including my mother-in-law) and that makes me fonder of them than before.

My mother-in-law has been difficult for me to handle because her personality is bossy and shrill. She's got a heart of gold, she means well and loves her family greatly, but her perspective on life is quite different from mine. She loves to talk and cook, and while I love to talk, I can't talk to her about much stuff that interests me and I'm an indifferent cook. She's tried to bond with me I think, but has met disinterest and maybe even aloofness. I've never been rude to her, but it's probably safe to assume that she knows I'm not 'fond' of her. This time though, I noticed that she eased up on the talking at points as it was getting to me. I was also allowed to participate in the cooking (a first!) so maybe we're making progress!

An Anniversary

Of sorts. Today (20th April) 10 years ago, SO and I 'hooked up' I guess? We met each other in December 2000, met each other again in March 2001 and spent a good amount of time chatting (MSN)and on 20th April, spent some exclusive time together and clarified our attraction to each other.

Since then it's been a long roller-coaster of a journey and here we are. 10 years later, married, co-owners of a house, co-signatories on a loan. Our lives are now more mingled than they were then (obviously) but I'm not so sure about our selves.

On Display

http://www.gettyimages.com/Search/Search.aspx?contractUrl=2&language=en-US&family=editorial&assetType=image&ep=3&p=mallika+garden

I used to think Mallika Sherawat was pretty and that she had a decent body. She, however, seems certain that her breasts are her main asset. She showcases them and flaunts them consistently. What's the point I say!

Hobbies

I'd like to think I have hobbies, but apart from reading, I don't really have any firm ones. I embroider a bit (but have started only giant projects, so haven't finished any), I knit, I own a digital camera and have taken some good pictures, but haven't taken any in a while, etc.

Beginning recently and taking a serious step forward today, SO and I have begun a new hobby, gardening. Our mothers are avid gardeners (which made me somewhat averse to it) and I was sure I had a brown thumb (after killing a couple of plants in my youth) so I'm not sure how this one will go. We were gifted a plant in September (house-warming) and we bought 3 on the weekend (2 Jasmines and one Marigold) and we bought some pots and did some re-potting today. It's a strangely fulfilling thing, to see pots holding green plants and not leaking (though the sides are damp). I'm hoping that these will live (if not flourish) and we'll get braver and move to more plants.

What's Right for You

Might just be the death of me.

I went to visit relatives this weekend, just so I have the rest of the year free to travel for myself. The relatives in question being my father's brother and his sons. His sons, both older than me (one by 14 years or so, and the other by 4 years) have daughters who are 3 years old. The older one had them with help.

I've made no secret about the fact that I'd like to have children, but that's on this blog. My space, a space that my family knows nothing about. My parents, for instance, have no idea what I want and have been told to mind their own business. However, that's not what parents do. And I know that my father expresses his angst about this to his brother and his niece (aforementioned older cousin's wife). As she had help, she suggested that I meet her doctor.

I agreed, expecting a general chat about what infertility means and what options are. That's not what I got. Added to that was the feeling that my cousin-in-law now has, that I've agreed to start on the process of treatment for infertility. Which I certainly have not done. I want to know if my insides are working fine and the same for SO. If they're not, then we'll evaluate options. If they are working fine, then we have nothing to do but keep trying, right?

Well right or wrong, the whole process depressed me. I'm not sure I want to be 'treated' for infertility. If SO and I cannot get pregnant, then I'm fine to adopt. I do not need to have a biological connection with a baby to raise it. Parts of what depressed me are the hopes of my father and uncle, and maybe of SO's family as well, though they do not say anything. I know they'd like for us to have children, and if we cannot... maybe it'll break their dreams? Yesterday, I felt the weight of this responsibility. Today, I'm refusing to. Today I'm even willing to tell my own father that I'm not going to put myself and my marriage through the stresses of infertility investigation so that his bloodline lives on. Sounds cruel I know, but surely my life and choices cannot be held hostage to his dreams?

Choices

I have two blogs and the other one is about weight loss. I've struggled with my weight through life. When I was a teenager, I wasn't fat, but was convinced I was as I had a paunch. As a result, when I got fat, I didn't realise for quite a while. Then I lost some weight with healthy living and exercise, but gained it back and then some more in a couple of years. Over the past 2-3 years, I've lost a bit then gained more back at least once a year.

This year, I made a pact with a friend that we would both exercise and eat right, and help each other. Email is a great help as we mail each other twice or so a day, with updates on food and exercise and just telling someone else has made it easier for me to eat right. And eat smaller portions.

It's been nearly 2 months now and I've lost weight and fat. Every year, I'd hold the flab and feel I was wearing a fat suit, which I wanted to unzip and step out of. Now, the fat suit is almost off and I feel great!

I've been able to eat smaller meals, so now eat 4 meals a day, but have not had to slow down on any of my daily activities and have been able to add 30 minutes of exercise a day, which doesn't bore me and has made a tremendous difference!

Ultimately, it's about choices. You can choose to eat healthy, you can choose to exercise etc. You can also choose to give yourself a day off for good behavior.

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up so that nobody else could tell me what to do. Now that I'm grown up, I find that I want to do all the things that I was 'told' to do while growing up. That's not bad :)

I also realised yesterday that the answer to 'What is all this about' is that life is a series of experience-fruit that you get to squeeze the juice out of. There are only 3 rules:

1. Stay sane;
2. Stay healthy;
3. Have fun.

And the older you grow, you even get to pick your own fruit, from anywhere in the world! How awesome is that?

Furious

I'm very angry right now, with a cousin. She's in her second marriage with 2 children, knew the guy months before she got pregnant with the first child. They're in the middle of their second separation and she just sent him a long mail about what she wants/needs and how she doesn't think she's going to get it from him, and if so maybe they should see a lawyer. I'm BCC'd on this mail because of the 'lawyer' bit I think, to let me know that we might need to call on the lawyer again. I went with her the first time.

That's not why I'm furious, I'm sad that it seems like the marriage has no hope. I'm furious because she chose to copy my on this mail, presumably to let me know where things stand and incidentally to let me hear 'her side'. I'm not in the least bit interested in 'her side' or indeed 'his side'. I've reached the stage where I know that marriages have a lot of 'he said, she said' and the only real issues are violence, cruelty, insane jealousy etc.

How do I know this? Because I've been in a relationship for nearly 10 years and know that we have enough 'he said she said' of our own. Each of us could claim that the other has been violent, dismissive, horrible, vicious, etc., and it would all be true. I have lost my temper, SO has lost his temper, I've been lazy, he's been bored, whatever! These are not reasons to call it quits on a marriage! If your friend was like this, would you immediately stop talking to them? Your parents? Your colleagues?

Then why do we expect more from a marriage when we put in less? If we're consistently more courteous, gentle, punctual, responsible, cheerful, etc. to people we work with than our spouse, why would we expect our marriage to be better than our relationship with our colleagues? Because we have sex with our spouse?

Added to this strange expectation, is a list that she has of what she expects and what she will do. She expects unconditional love and devotion and will apparently give the same. Clearly she's not willing to give unconditional love and devotion as she expects it first, and who's to say that her husband isn't waiting for exactly the same? So now is it a case of chicken? Who blink first?

Maybe I'm most furious because the past few months with SO haven't been the bestest. We're great companions, we enjoy food, we enjoy a certain type of comedy but of late there have been stresses. Anyway, I've been contemplating the future myself, and not in a very happy way. There have been days when I've been very close to calling it quits but 10 years of being together, building bonds with each other and each other's families etc., means that it's not a simple up and leave scenario. Even though I think I could be well justified. Suffice it to say, it's not something that I'm going to do, and maybe what's upsetting me the most is that she can up and leave so easily with children.

Is it a systematic severing of ties? Slowly you cut yourself off from his friends and family, and then from him, so there's no strings left attaching you to him or his, except the children that you share?

Why am I compelled to write about it? Because the tone of her mail is that she's making a reasonable request that it's totally within his power to grant, and if he chooses not to grant it, then nobody can blame her for not having tried. And as a viewer of this email, I want to point out to her that there's nothing reasonable about her request and that he would never be able to grant it, even if he wanted. Which means, she's writing the death warrant for this relationship, but she's forcing him to sign it.

Love Is

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin