Just what the truth is...

I'm 'disturbed' today. Maybe I was disturbed yesterday as well, but I definately am today. Some part of this may be PMS. I get more frustrated than usual as a part of my PMS. And maybe the bio clock isn't helping.

I'm going to take great comfort in the fact that nobody reads this blog to vent somewhat. I've never been 'thin'. Even when I was quite ok, my body image was of being 'fat'. As a result, I almost never felt attractive. There were moments, but nothing with regularity. I was never one of the girls who boys were 'interested' in. I was one of the 'safe' ones. I still am. In some ways, I enjoy this - I'll never need to be worried about being hit-on at work. But I'm still a girl, I would like to be hit on!

I met SO and he wasn't drawn moth-like by my amazing beauty. He does love me, very much. Sometimes I feel relieved that my looks are not as important to him as looks sometimes are to men.

I'm learning though, in a few years, I'll be polished and elegant. Well turned out for all occasions (except for my hair) and probably be admired for my 'togetherness' but still not hittalbe on. Some part of this may be my resistance to exercise.

And there you have it. The mood has turned. I'm not too upset, I still (at 32) have good skin, and decent bones. I would change my nose if I could, but as long as I groom decently and moisturize well, That stuff won't change too much. Which leaves exercise... but that's another blog ;)

Now I know why I'm a fatty... I'm too comfortable being fat.

The Fine Balance

There's a book, isn't there? Rohinton Mistry I think - called A Fine Balance. I've no idea what it's about.

Just that I'm in office today and have no inclination to work, but have a bunch of stuff. Some of it is not hard work, just high visibility. So, though I don't really care, and can't get it really wrong... I also cannot put it off.

My heart is paining and my mind wants to sleep.

In the middle of this (need for a vacation basically)is my personal desire to have a child. A desire that I believe my husband subscribes to. One that requires participation from both of us. The challenge of course is, the lives we lead and the way the system of conception works. A window of two days, alignment of items inside the body and alignment of stars and galaxies.

Given the challenges in my personal life, I'm not hoping for much. What challenges you ask? If I think over it, nothing in my personal life has come easily. I've had difficult relationships with myself, with my family, with SO... I've had a challenging time getting married... Why should having a child be any different?

The only area where I've had it relatively easy is in making friends. I have a truckload of em and I'm very glad. Not that it's simple to make and keep friends, just that it's not tied to my daily existence. It's not tied to my innermost feelings of worth and stuff. This is odd, I'll admit. The only places where it becomes tied to my idea of self-worth, is where I feel unattractive since I have several good male friends, who are purely platonic friends.

So... I'm worried about not having children, because I do want to get pregnant. I'm open to adoption, but I'm very worried about how the relationship with the husband will survive this. Survive my wanting to get pregnant and no efforts being made in that regard. Maybe it's true, we're degenerating into platonic friends as well...

Ranty?

There are some things I want to say. Some part of it relates to a cousin of mine, who wrote a note on Facebook about her maid.

See, now we all have maids. Ladies who clean our houses, cook our food, take care of our children - whatever it is that they do. And we always have complaints about them. Why? Because we 'expect' them to be different. Why would we expect them to do what we do? If they could do what we do, why would they be our maids? And in a world where everybody is equally skilled, we could well be their maids.

I guess this is where the 'feudal' mindset still prevails in this country (India). We still think there are people to 'serve' us. Why on earth? We employ them to do a job, and they do that job with as much sincerety as one who's paid a pittance to do it will. I work long hours, I work hard - I work smart... Whatever I do, it's my job. I enjoy it, but there are times when I hate it. If I apply the same logic to them, they probably hate their jobs a lot more. And worse than me, they're compelled to do precisely that job. There's no scope for change, no 'different role', no 'more money'... nothing. A sustenance job that they can't do anything about because they have homes to run.

And this is probably what depresses me about Slumdog Millionaire and White Tiger. The lives of the families described, will never end the way they've been fictionalized. If that chance existed, this country would be very different.

It's a disgusting kind of cynicism. I hate the self-perpetuating nature of society, and yet there's absolutely nothing I can do. I try to let the lady that cleans my house know that money for studies will always be avaialable, but is that enough? The way I see it, the only way up is to ensure that every child has a shot at a future - through education and nutrition. And what kind of country cannot assure that?

Follow Up

So, it's a new month, and I'd like to get pregnant :) Will I? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm going to stress about it. Not about how often SO and I 'baby-dance' but about whether I'm physically ok or not. About whether my body is able to get pregnant, about whether I did something horribly wrong in my past life or in this one, which will mean that I can never have children.

And through all this, I've not ruled out adoption. I do know that I want to have children in my life, but I also want to be pregnant. And it would be nice to have a little 'us'.

Life...

So, my period did arrive and clearly I'm not pregnant. What I am though, is remarkably calm. Last week was not a lot of fun, but it ended well. Well-ish I would say. Friday was a lot of fun. Saturday was - stressful as I had a lot of rushing around to do. Sunday was relaxed.

And here I am. At work, knowing what i need to do and not afraid of any of it. But I'm amazed by how much things... work out. I've been working very hard and need a vacation. I wanted a couple of days off to just relax. But then I saw this program on TV of a riding school that has camps for children. I asked them if they have camps for adults, and they do! So if I can do that for a few days, I know it'll be perfect!

I'm excited about it as it combines two things that I really enjoy - relaxation with horses! I hope it works out! SO may not be with me, but I think it will be fine. It's near where his parents' house is. So he can come along for the weekend and we can return together.

I'm very thankful for my life!

Aaaargh!

So i took a test today and failed it. Now I'm just pissed off. I've had a bunch of symptoms which are not normal PMS things for me. And yet, here I am, failing tests! It's just wrong!

I'm going out for a short walk, to spend some money and get some bank work done. Maybe my period will arrive, to complete the shittyness of of all!

Save Me!

I'm going insane trying to figure out whether I'm PMSsing crazily or I'm .... well... i don't want to say it in case i jinx it.

Today, the breasts are feeling better, but the moodiness is more. there are some gross issues - like gas, leading to constipation? not really constipation - just difficulty.

I'm feeling tired/sleepy - but i always feel sleepy! I'm also feeling thirsty - but it's summer!!

I read someone else say on a board "I hate pregnancy, the symptoms are so 'everyday'" I totally second this!

Irritating!!

So, we decided that we've been married long enough, we should think about children. This was last year in May. As per the plan, I was going to get healthier between May and November and begin trying in earnest in November. The archives have a post from October, when I though I might be pregnant... Then I started working like a bit of a maniac. Right through till March. Around that time, SO also travelled (Feb to March). So our earliest bet was April.

In April, I did some bodily research and think I got the timing right. It was last week. From Saturday, I've been feeling the following:

1. Crabby - have violent mood-swings with things upsetting me much more than they normally would.
2. Painful breasts and nipples - TMI for some, but hey - nobody else reads this blog right?
3. I guess bloated? I feel full most of the time, don't realise that I'm hungry, can't eat too much.

Yesterday I had slight back pain - like I get with my period (again TMI I guess)

Today, I've a new one - fluttering in the lower abdomen. Not sure if it feels like period cramps or what. It's all rather confusing.

I'd like to believe that I'm pregnant - but what if I'm not? Apart from these, I see no symptoms. No food cravings or aversions, no fatigue (though I'd certainly like to sleep), no nausea, no bleeding.

I'd like to tell someone other than SO that this is going on - just cause I'm very excited. He's excited - but much more cautious. Doesn't want to get too hopeful in case I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I've a lot to worry about. This is rather kick-ass PMS!

Shammi Kappor and Mohammad Rafi

Have a lot to answer for! I grew up listening to Mohammad Rafi and spent significant amounts of time watching Shammi Kappor movies. All romantic, with intensely romantic songs. Small wonder that I'm incurable!

He's Back!

I may not have mentioned it, but I think I did. SO was traveling for 5 weeks. Added to this was my own travel and slightly hectic life. And added to both these were some slightly traumatic events - illness in family. The net result is that I was missing SO terribly. Oddly, it was not in a confused way of enjoying being by myself - it was in the way of missing someone who was a part of my every day. It sank in only yesterday when I returned home and found him sitting the way only he does, doing something. I realised only yesterday how much I missed his quiet presence. When I say quiet, I mean the times when we may be doing different things - but are both in the same place at the same time.

Just got some more family bad news... so glad SO's back!

Anoop Desai

So we have another American of Indian Origin in the American Idol. Anoop Desai. Unlike Sanjaya Malakar, this boy can sing and is more mature (hopefully won't rely on propos and shock value). But I'm confused... is he in because he can sing? Or because he appeals to a bunch of 'demographics'?

He's No. 13, he came back on a Wildcard. That's approximately twice that America didn't vote him through. Did the judges let him back in because they trust his talent? Or because they were told that he appeals to many American demographics and the Indian Amercian demographic?

Come to think of it, there are absolutely no Indian-American recording artists in the US. Though India is a gigantic market, and a good consumer of other American music.

Am I being psycho?

Of Friends...

Apparently Oscar Wilde said 'Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.' Several people have said stuff like this. To me, this means one of two things:

1. They're wrong; or
2. I'm not a woman.

When I was little, I had mainly male friends. Might be just because I have an elder brother who's just a year older. For a really long time we hung out together and had the same group. I went to an all girl's school, so made female friends along the way. Then to a co-ed school and college and now have many friends of both sexes. I also continue to make more friends of both sexes. What I've just (literally, just) realised is that it's easier to make friends with women on an on-going basis. With men/boys, you've to make friends at some strategic point.

Most of my male friends (and they're good friends) are from school and college. Times when we had plenty of bonding opportunities not related to technical discussions or alcohol. I will confess that in college sometimes it did relate to alcohol, but often times it was just talking. And after many years of talking, you apparently build a bond that's impossible to break.

I say apparently because last weekend I met a bunch of my friends, mostly male. I've not met some of them for 8+ years. But we're still the same. We still have fun together, are able to talk without inhibition, without taking offence. I miss them! And there's no passion, enmity or worship. Only friendship.

On a slightly different point, one of my friends from college is... treating himself badly. He's a dear friend, a boy's boy. I hadn't met him for absolutely ages, but I still feel for him like I did in college. Which is that he's a good friend and I enjoy spending time with him. I had an absolute blast, but he... drank way too much. Apparently he's also been very ill in the recent past. He'll do what he wants to, but I feel like asking him to keep himself going, for his friends and family. I don't want to lose another friend, especially where it is completely avoidable. I'm not sure how I communicate this to him, without completely pissing him off.

I also find that guys think it's easier to do stuff that their wives disapprove of in hiding, rather than either change or have a frank conversation with their wives. I wouldn't put it past SO to do the same, but I'd like to think I have given him enough security to tell me that he wants to do something (play video games all night, smoke cigarettes, drink like a fish, smoke dope, etc.) I may not agree with him, but my view is that it's his life and his health. I refuse to take responsibility for it, just like he refuses to take responsbility for mine (being fat, eating wrong, not exercising, etc.) I think this works and am not sure whether the other way is because it's convenient...

I guess the upshot is, I'd like to think that I'm a better wife than some others, but I'm fairly certain everybody's only doing the best they can for their own marriages... and I'm not a woman :)

On Roger Federer

So he lost yesterday. It was a very sad thing to watch, I thought he'd win all the way upto when he lost. Just one break down after winning the 4th set convincingly. I thought Rafa's tiring, Federer's still strong. Then came the break and eventually the break down. I believe that Federer handled last year because it was a bad year. Every athlete has bad years, times when things aren't going the way you need them to. He honestly believed this year would be different. He had a dream run upto the finals. He had a tough match that just suddenly fell apart.

And hats-off to Rafa. He knew that he had made Federer cry. The way Steffi Graf made Jana Novotna cry all those years ago. Federer watched Rafa snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It hurt him cruelly, but he pulled himself together and made a speech.

What I'm hoping for now is that he can pull himself together and get through the year without a monkey on his back. Without thinking that Rafa's just better than him. But thinking that Rafa had a good day, a couple of bad calls, a couple of errors and it could have been Federer's good day.

What I took away from that match was that the two players, though different in style, are so well matched that it comes down to the last set, to who has a better game, to who has the better calls/challenges. I am indeed privileged to be living in the age of these players. To watch true sportsmen and athletes battle it out with all they've got. I just wish their hearts didn't break when they lose.

News and News

Roger Federer is now in the Australian Open Finals!! Though this may not affect anybody else personally, it affects me. I care that this man, who had an appalling year last year, has come back to win the quarters and semis in straight sets. Now let's watch the finals.

In other news, my brother's been 'let go' from his job. He's in the US and his employer has been forced to cut jobs. It is shocking to have this happen to someone I know. I know things are bad out there, people are losing jobs and all that, but I honestly didn't expect someone I know to be affected. Especially someone who was told by teachers that he 'would go far in life'... I'm slightly afraid for my brother.

Free Flow

I'm in a meeting on a Sunday afternoon. The discussions going on don't interest me in the slightest so I'm listening to music. It's strange when there is a room full of conversation going on that you cannot hear. And what you're listening to flits across your face. I wonder if anybody else is looking at me, so I look up. I catch your puzzled eye, wondering what I'm thinking. Why I look excited, then wistful, then the secret smile.

The world is a scary place, we're so much 'out there'. I give my all to my work and the people I work with - well, if I like them. I don't lie, I don't hide, I don't pretend. I expect the same from them and most often I get it. Scary because if we're seeing each other more than family... we become closer to each other than family sometimes. This is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.

Its at times like this that I miss SO a great deal. I don't want other people knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, trying to keep me entertained or cheer me up when I've had a rotten day. So far, I've managed to not let that happen, but this week was bad. A few days ago, I was very unjustly accused of not doing my job well enough. I was wounded, to say the least. I had to keep a professional air about it and I did for the most part. I cried my eyes out. But my colleagues didn't see that part (well not everybody). I could have looked to my colleagues, and if I was angry with SO for being distant I might well have, for support and reassurance.

This time, given the way I'm feeling about SO, I walked away, called him and bawled like a baby. It was amazing how much I cried, first time I've ever cried like this about work. Hopefully the only ever time. I've been upset because of mistakes I've made, but not offended violently because of an undeserved comment.

I miss my husband!

Johnny Cash

And this song called Hurt - http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related

A colleague sent a bunch of us this. It's a Nine Inch Nails song (http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=gjwgYvzQWS4). It is Johnny Cash's confession. His telling God that he repents, and now he's ready to die. This is all I'll say because anything more makes it less.

Why I love being Married

So I never thought I'd get to this stage, but here I am. I'm away from SO again, but just before I travelled, I spent about 10 days almost completely with him. I had just come back from one trip and a few days of work which were rather harrowing but the upside is that it was very Honeymoony. I was just so happy to be with him that I didn't fight with him at all. I think we made it through the entire period with only him getting angry with me once. And I absolutely loved it.

To my mind, this is what a Honeymoon would be like. You spend time just being with that other person, when you're at a stage that you're happy to be together, enjoying each other's company. No other stresses, no tensions apart from what to do for the day (in our case where to eat). I loved it and I love him. I also think this is why Honeymoons are important, they help the couple bond as a couple. To understand what they mean to each other and how they think about certain things. I've not had this time with SO in a really long time. We try on weekends and stuff but the growing together takes some concerted time and bonding.

And so now, we're an 'us'. We have opinions, we have likes and dislikes, we also have fights but at least 'we' exist.

And Men will be Boys

So... the more you work, the more you realise that you're the only girl/woman in some situations. Not a bad thing, but guys sometimes forget this. Leading to an overdrive of testosterone and a higher level of irritation. Irritation because men are boys. In large groups where they are not close friends they discuss the most mundane stuff. Cars, watches, girls... I can stomach the cars and watches, having some interest in cars myself. The girls part upsets me greatly. It upsets me as a woman, and it upsets me as a person who works fairly hard.

Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of the guys I'm working on this project with. They're fun and stuff, enjoyable to hang out with, but constantly checking out women. Ok, so you get past that and say to yourself that they're appreciating, what's the harm in that. Then we go to a club. There are several girls there who are dressed to party, and are clearly girly girls - slim and sexy. I'm trying to put down what I found offensive. Why don't I start with the setting. It's a club in a city outside India. A club that shuts down at 3:00 a.m. or so. There is a band that performs here, with a 'lead' singer who's Canadian. She's hot, and a lot of people hit on her. Apart from that, she's got all these men who want to be close to her. Married men, out for an evening of fun with their friends. They may go regularly, or they may go off and on. I also have no clue about whether she has any objections, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't. They're out of shape, they're Asian, they're short and have children who may be this girl's age. They put their hands on her waist and their heads on her shoulder. Maybe she enjoys it... It would be like Bar Girls in Bombay or the Thai Bar Girls. Maybe she does.

Then there are all these other girls. Girls that go out to clubs, well dressed, in gorups of girls only, accepting drinks from men, dancing with men, giving men their phone numbers. Men that they just met, men that maybe they meet regularly at these clubs. The understanding appears to be, I'm young and pretty, you havemoney and want company, let's get together. Maybe some of these go on to be more, but it all seems so shallow. The guys feel happy because they're in the company of pretty girls, the girls feel happy that they went out and partied, without spending much money. And yet, all these men are married. I doubt very much their wives are thinking 'Thank God he's gone out with other women to dance, I so don't want to dance with him!'

So the trauma for me is twofold. The first is that one day, SO will be like this, or in this position. Senior enough to be working like a dog and want to party hard when he's done for the day. Maybe it'll be different because SO hates dancing... so maybe it'll never be him.

The second is what is a working woman to do? I work hard as well, and I love to dance. But dancing requires either supreme confidence in yourself (i.e. not caring how you look) or a very safe environment. Partying with the people I work with, when I'm not in the best shape physically, is not much fun. I had a bit of a blast yesterday, 2 of the men I was with are good dancers. Meaning, if you let them lead, you have a pretty good time. You know how it is? Their upper arms are locked, so there's that pull, you'll only go so far out, they've got you. Both of them are married and I'm fairly certain their wives would love to dance with them. Just that this dancing, their night-out-on-town dancing, is not for themselves, it's for work. So, when they're with family, they won't do this.

But back to me now... What am I to do? These guys are my colleagues, I don't want to become a party girl for them, but I do like to party (i.e. dance). Does that mean I've to find other friends? The other irritation is that they're all so Male!

What is a girl to do?

The Woman and the Mind

So I've never pretended to be anything apart from a woman. And this woman, she's part atavistic and part... well, I want to say refined, but that might be too strong a word. Maybe evolved is the right word. I'd like to think that I'm a good person. A person who can see beyond animal urges. But then... maybe I'm not. I've met a couple of men recently. They're so 'man'ly that it borders on chauvanistic, but they're hot.

So here I am. The 'Woman' thinks that these men are hot and likes their company. The 'Mind' thinks that they're chauvanistic and... well problematic at many levels. An additional problem is that I work with these men. So they can't know what the Woman is thinking. And I need to watch how I communicate what the Mind is thinking.

Ah, the absolute joys of being a working woman! I guess there is a genuine upside to this. The various pheromones that the Woman gets, keeps the Mind relaxed and functioning effectively. The downside is that the Mind is constantly checking the Woman.

I guess I was unaware or unwilling to acknowledge how strong the Woman is. I'd like to spend some time on this. The Woman adds a very useful dimension to my job. There is a lot of empathy and patience that she brings. She also brings some genuineness. But at some bottom line, she's very elemental, reactions are very immediate. The Mind is able to bring some balance, actually a lot of balance. And even in this situation, they get to work together... to keep Me standing.

Of Friendship and Death

It seems odd that in the aftermath of the horrendous 4 days in Mumbai, I'm talking of friendship. I guess the real advantages of an anonymous blog is that nobody knows who I am, so if I say a friend died in that episode, it doesn't matter to anybody but me.

The reasons I'm talking only of my friend are many, but the core is that while the insanity was unravelling in Mumbai, I was rather blase in Bangalore. I knew that some strange shit was going down in Mumbai, but what the heck, it's Mumbai right? Far away from me, etc. But wait a minute... suddenly I found out my friend died. So here's the scene, I'm Blase in Bangalore, I've another set of friends in the US. They're even more blase, because what the hey, Mumbai's soooo far away. But then our friend dies.

In some senses it feels like a play. We're all happy, hunky-dory living our lives and suddenly we hear this. I could write a school play, where one by one, several characters go on about what this particular individual meant to them. Some good friends, some acquaintances, some loved him, some hated him... all of which is true. But does this mean that we've reached a state where we only feel, when something touches us directly? So all this empathy that I thought I had is actually nothing?

Quite apart from that, my friend and I had this weird bond. He would keep in touch a lot. I would reciprocate but never initiate. For some time because the amount of attention I would get made me uncomfortable, for some time because he married a person I wasn't too fond off, for some time because he divorced her and the reason why made me wary of him. And now, he's not around anymore.

I guess in some way I want to say goodbye to him. To the person that he was, steadfast. I remember a lot of things about him, but I think this piece was paramount. My friend was steadfast. If he thought something was right, he would tolerate no less, and he would appreciate 'right-mindedness' in everyone, everywhere. I will miss him a lot.